Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Termination for Anencephalic baby - am I doing the right thing?

204 replies

KatyH · 20/02/2007 21:34

We just found out today that our unborn baby (16 weeks) is anencephalic i.e. the brain and skull have not developed, it's a form of neural tube defect. We've been told that if we carry the baby to full term and if it is not stillborn then it will probably only live for a few hours. I am booked in for a medical termination but feel absolutely appalled at the idea of doing something to bring about the death of a much wanted baby. I know logically that it would be hastening the inevitable but I can't get the images of the scan out of my head, which showed an otherwise perfectly normal baby kicking its arms and legs. I think I would have coped much better if I had had a miscarriage.
Does anyone else have any experience of this, or at the very least, medical terminations (which also terrifies me)?

OP posts:

SmileysPeople · 20/02/2007 22:09

KatyH I am so so sorry that you are having to go through this.

I have 2 friends who have been through similar, medical terminations but for different from each other: 1 stopped thinking of it as a baby, just thought about the termination and wanted it over. The other wanted more to express her grief for her baby, she did look at her after and named her. Neither regreted the way they dealt with it, people find ways of getting through it, and you will too.

You have few choices with this, but it's so lovely that you want to do the best for your baby right till the end.

I'm really feeling for you it is so sad.

FioFio · 20/02/2007 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PrettyCandles · 20/02/2007 22:11

{{hugs}}. No-one should have to got through what you're going through. Wish I could help.

milge · 20/02/2007 22:11

Katy - I am very sorry you are in this situation. A colleague from work had a medical termination at 21 weeks for a different medical condition. She kept a memory box and went for private 3D scan so she could see as much of her baby as she could. She was back at work 2 months later and physically has healed. Her baby would have been due next week and its a bit tense as to what we should do at work to mark this. Good luck and courage.

saralou100 · 20/02/2007 22:14

so sorry katyH.

medical terminations don't have to be horrible, and at 16 weeks is less traumatic than the surgical option.

i'm a staff nurse on a gynae ward and i have delivered a baby with anencephally. the baby was perfect in every way apart from her head. when she was delivered, her mum got to give her a name, she got to hold her. we took handprints and footprints for her, weighed and measured her. medical photography took photo's and the pictures were taken so that her head could not be seen.

for the mum and her husband it was probably the best experience they could have in such an awful situation.

i suppose what i'm trying to say, perhaps badly, is that having seen her baby, i truely believe she made the right decision. she still got to have all the parts of her birth that she wanted, she laboured for a few hours before delivering, she chose not to use any pain relief, just as what she would have wanted if she had carried to full term.

it was'nt a terrible experience.

i'll be thinking of you.

PrettyCandles · 20/02/2007 22:14

Surely if you would be in a labour room with a midwife, there would be pain-relief available, epidural if need be?

CanSleepWontStarve · 20/02/2007 22:14

Katy. What a horrible decision to have to make. Hope you can find the strength to get through this. Another scan for pics sounds like a good idea. xx

Original poster

KatyH · 20/02/2007 22:15

That's the other horrendous aspect of it. Having to tell people what has happened is going to be awful. Really scared that I'll be judged by everyone. Also not sure when to go back to work. My colleague is currently off on leng-term sick and I've had to pick up his workload. How long would be reasonable?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 20/02/2007 22:16

Katy I am so so sorry

I have read stories of couples who have decided to go to term with anencephaly - I think this is more common in religious families so that baptism/last rites can be administered. Whatever decision you make is going to be tough. I'm so sorry for your situation and lots of us are thinking of you.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2007 22:16

Katy
I cannot imagine people not being understanding!

If it were my work colleague, I'd want her to have as much time off as she felt she needed.

FioFio · 20/02/2007 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wills · 20/02/2007 22:17

Oh KatyH - sorry honey.

As for amount of time. Be kind to YOURSELF. Work will NOT fall over. So take as long as you need to feel strong enough to be normal again! Most gps will support you in this.

mummylin2495 · 20/02/2007 22:17

wishing you the strength to make your choices
what a terrible situation to be in,i feel so sad for you.

morningpaper · 20/02/2007 22:18

(My post was a response to LadyMuck's - sorry, context lost in the cross-posting)

ComeOVeneer · 20/02/2007 22:18

Why would you be judged by anyone? You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, surely they won't judge just be hugely sympathetic.

Original poster

KatyH · 20/02/2007 22:18

Saralou, how far on was the baby that you delivered? would we be able to do something similar at 16 weeks? Although apparently the baby is also quite small for its dates and is closer to 13 weeks?

OP posts:

MrsGoranVisnjic · 20/02/2007 22:20

I don't believe any one will judge you poorly for this decision. It is extremely difficult to put oneself in your devastating position but I have to say that I too imagine I would choose an early medical termination .. I don't know whether that hypothetical decision would help or not

mummylin2495 · 20/02/2007 22:21

do not be concerned about people judging you,if they have any heart they will only feel great smpathy towards you and your DH.None of us are in your shoes.

Aloha · 20/02/2007 22:23

If anyone dares to judge you they are an utterly contemptible and worthless person. Do what is right for YOU, not anyone else. Nobody else is enduring what you are enduring right now.

AitchTwoOh · 20/02/2007 22:23

i just do not believe that the idea of judging you would enter a single person's heart. really and truly, try to put that thought to one side if you can.

morningpaper · 20/02/2007 22:23

I know this is very much a personal decision but I also agree with jimjams - this is the one condition that I would have to have a termination for. I'm so sorry KatyH.

hester · 20/02/2007 22:25

Katy, I am so very, very sorry you are having to go through this. I do not have personal experience but I have worked professionally in this area. First thing, i would endorse Aloha's suggestion you contact Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC): they have a good reputation and will understand what you are going through.

If you do opt for termination, you should go with your instincts on the method. Undoubtedly surgical termination is easier at the time, but if you will be haunted by the process then it may well not be easier for you in the long term. Also, it can be hard to find surgeons who are (a) willing to do it at this stage, and (b) have had lots of practice in doing so (and it is that practice that makes them skilled at it).

If you do have a medical termination, it shouldn't be a horrific physical experience. You will of course be very distressed, but you will be offered pain relief and sedation. With later terminations (20 weeks plus) you would be able to dress and cuddle your baby, if you want to, and to have photos. I don't know what practice is with a baby this age, I'm afraid, but do ask for all the details so you will know what to expect.

There is another good organisation called Support After Termination for Foetal Abnormality who can give you support afterwards.

Again, I am so very sorry you are going through this. A good friend of mine went through a similar experience recently and I know how very painful it is. I will be thinking of you.

saralou100 · 20/02/2007 22:25

the baby was 16 weeks, the same as you.

i don't see why you couldn't do the same, tell people what you would like done.

where i work we don't recomend people bringing in their own camera's, sadly for developing reasons.

painrelief will be very much available! gas and air is great. when labour is induced at this stage it's more like the early part of labour, not so painful as your cervix will not have to dilate so far (althoughit still hurts, if that makes sense)

Original poster

KatyH · 20/02/2007 22:25

I think I'm probably thinking others will judge me because I'm judging myself!

OP posts:

Aloha · 20/02/2007 22:26

Oh Katy, sadly your baby has no chance of life, so your job as a mother is to decide what will be the best thing to do. Nobody is judging you. Far from it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9