Am I being unreasonable?

[Emilyyyy]

I have my first midwife appointment next week Ill be 14 weeks and the midwife thinks that we will be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time... However my boyfriend (who is the baby's dad) doesn't think that he needs to be or should be there. He just keeps saying he can't get it off work (he hasn't even asked for it off).

Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to be there? Everyone one I know who has a baby the baby's dad has come along to hear the heartbeat.

He says that only if there is something wrong and there isn't a heartbeat that he can get out of work.

This is my first viable pregnancy and don't know if I'm being unreasonable by expecting him/wanting him to be there?

It's upsetting me that it's causing arguments between us.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest. I'm on my second pregnancy and DH has only ever come to my scan appointments, and I think that's pretty normal. Yes it would be lovely if our DH's / DP's could go to the midwifes appointments too but he has work commitments so in reality it's impractical.

Agree with others yabu. There is really no need for a man to be at midwife appointments. They are routine and boring. My partner only came to scans and even then he missed one because of work.

Perhaps if you are anxious then you could talk to a midwife beforehand to make them aware. They are there to help you.

Let him go to work. He might be thinking of things more longterm like holding down a job or progressing up the career ladder and surely that's a good thing. Honestly I've got two kids and I never think of what happened at my booking in apps aside from Finding the first one frigging hilarious. He came and he goofed up big time in front of the stone cold faced midwife but that's a whole other thread lol.

Honestly OP as long as he's supportive he really doesn't need to be there at the booking in.

As I've said before - it's strange you're having your booking in appointment after your scan, however the scans been done, all was well and he attended that. He's seen baby and he's seen the heartbeat although hasn't heard it which is fab.

There is literally no reason for him to come to the booking in appt. Seeing as you had bloods done already you'll probably only need blood pressure and pee checked then all the questions.

You say you've got your notes at home which are blank, go through them at home with your boyfriend and jot his answers down on paper, then he's done his bit with regards to family history etc.

I understand you feel you need support but wouldn't it be better for him to keep his unpaid leave for any scans you may need later on?

I'm on Dc3. DH only came to the 20 week scan with DC1 and 2 as he had things on at work at the time of my 12 week scans both times that would have been pretty hard to change. I went to all MW appointments alone, except for having to take DC1 to a couple with DC2. It was fine, I didn't expect anyone to come to be honest and most women in the waiting rooms were alone. Later on with DC1 though, when I went to a routine MW appointment and she sent me as an emergency to hospital for a further scan because of serious concerns, he walked straight out of a client meeting he was half way though and got a taxi straight to the hospital. I'm glad he saved his "credit" at work for that as I really needed him that day, much more than I'd needed him at any other appointment.

He came to both scans with DC3 as he'd never been to a 12 week scan and that was his last chance. I've had additional scans this time round too but he hasn't come to those. Again, if I rang him asking him to come because something was wrong he'd be straight in the car, but they've all been pretty routine so no need. In short, you are being a bit unreasonable here.

My DH never came to any of my midwife appointments ever. He came to the scan i think (‘baby’ is 18 now so its hard to remember). As exciting as it is for you your DP would probably just be bored.

This is my third pregnancy and my DH has only ever been to scans and the first booking in appointment with the midwife (because we didn't know if he needed to be there or not).

Even if his work will give him the time off, it will be unpaid and maybe he wants/needs the money.

NICE guidelines also now say for midwives not to listen to the heartbeat at 16 weeks as it can be hard to find, so I am surprised your midwife is keen to listen at 14 weeks. It's also an unusual time to have a midwife appointment, or are you high risk? If so, I can understand wanting your partner there, especially since you have previously experienced a loss.

You might find you end up having lots of midwife/consultant/hospital appointments and extra or repeat scans, but in my experience many women go to these appointments by themselves although partners will more often attend the scans.

OP sand thing here. DH didn't come to any of my mw appointments just scans. I remembered the first one when the midwife asked for his date of birth and I was like hold on let me ask him
The look on her face. I'm sure she thought he was like a one night stand or something.
As others have said he works there and knows what his boss is like. He may have witnessed others loose their jobs or get in bad books for less in the past so not worth taking the risk.
Of course with your anxiety, you should speak to the midwives. I'd advice not evenlistenig for the HB at 16 weeks talkless of 14.
I also have families all abroad with mainly medic friends and occasionally felt if someone could be here. But then again, I know if it was really important and I needed any of them there, their find a way.

Quick update- turns out he was on nights this week and my app was literally before he went work so he managed to come with me. Just realised I said I was 14, I am 15 weeks today, 14 when I wrote the post, MW checked for heartbeat and heard it clear as day. So all is well and everything turned out just fine!

Thanks everyone for the the advice