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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

109 replies

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 13:07

I have my first midwife appointment next week Ill be 14 weeks and the midwife thinks that we will be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time... However my boyfriend (who is the baby's dad) doesn't think that he needs to be or should be there. He just keeps saying he can't get it off work (he hasn't even asked for it off).

Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to be there? Everyone one I know who has a baby the baby's dad has come along to hear the heartbeat.

He says that only if there is something wrong and there isn't a heartbeat that he can get out of work.

This is my first viable pregnancy and don't know if I'm being unreasonable by expecting him/wanting him to be there?

It's upsetting me that it's causing arguments between us.

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WellErrr · 22/07/2016 19:38

Surely your baby and hearing the heartbeat is more important than anything?

No, keeping on good terms at s good job is more important I'm afraid, especially if you're going to have a girlfriend and baby to support.

Imagine him going to his boss and saying 'I need time off as something is wrong.' No problem.

Imagine going and saying 'I need time off because I want to hear the baby's heartbeat.'

It's a bit wet.

I think he sounds pretty sensible tbh. Better this than him sitting at home refusing to work and wondering how to pay the rent.

And FWIW I'm 36 weeks into my third pregnancy. DH has never ever been to a routine midwife appointment. He's only made half the scans due to work.
It doesn't bother me. They don't need to be there.

I think YABU.

Pearlman · 22/07/2016 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 21:38

Thanks everyone for the advice etc...will take it on board.

And jcsc, glad it's not just me

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Original poster

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 21:47

This isn't about getting him on bad terms with his boss... This is about him just asking. His boss is actually really nice and he trys to make his boss out to be some d*ck when he can't be assed doing something.

My partner works hours and hours extra and doesn't get paid for it and I know his boss takes this into account because he's usually nice about stuff.

All he has to do is just at least ask and ill be happy because he's made the effort to atleast try, and if not then it's out of his control but his boss is not a mind reader and can't offer him the time off when he knows nothing about it.

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Original poster

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 21:51

Can I just add I think it doesn't help that I'm in a strange city where I don't have any family and all my friends who would come (who are like me, students) have gone home for summer but I havent because I live with my boyfriend.

Would be different if I had family and friends around the corner.

OP posts:

peggypineapple · 22/07/2016 22:13

Most people go on their own.

LondonGirl83 · 22/07/2016 23:34

Yes, Emilyyyy most people go entirely on their own without friends or family.

What about it is making you so anxious that you feel you need support?

AudreyBradshaw · 22/07/2016 23:38

My Dh comes with me to mw appt. He works nights so is available. And we live at the top of a large hill, and the doctors surgery is at the bottom, and I don't want to walk 40 minutes up a bug hill! I'm 22+2 and I haven't heard the heartbeat yet.

You're bound to be feeling out of sorts, pregnant, away from your home and family, it's natural to want some support.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 23/07/2016 00:30

I'm on my 3rd pregnancy, and DH hasn't been to a single one of my midwife appointments. He has been to scans when he could get off work, but not all the scans. I've only had family along to one scan - that was when I was called in for an emergency scan at too short notice for DH to get there after routine bloods threw up something that worried the midwives (all was fine, fortunately).

I've always been given a blank copy of the maternity hand held notes before my booking in appointment, and been asked to fill in as much information as possible before the booking in appointment. So I could see what family history would be needed from DH and be sure to write that in before the booking in appointment. Does the folder you were given have hand held notes that you can start filling in with family history etc?

Re the heartbeat - as with pp, the midwives round here won't even attempt to find a heartbeat on a Doppler at 14 weeks because it's so hard to find it that early. I had a midwife appointment at 16 weeks, and she said at my next appointment (24 weeks) she would see if we could hear the heartbeat for the first time. Plus, I know that you don't generally get to hear the heartbeat at scans, but you can see the heart beating on the screen. Did the sonographer point the heart beating out at your 12 week scan?

I can understand that it's annoying when partners won't ask for time off - DH was carrying on like that for the 20 week scan for DC3, all "oh, I can't ask, loads of people are on holiday, busy busy busy at work etc etc", although he did manage to turn up in the end - but is it possible that he's reluctant to ask because he knows it'll be difficult getting time off now, and he's worried it'll count against him at work? He may be more worried about his job security or job prospects than he's letting on, or wants to save asking for time off for scans and any emergency appointments later on?

TheCrumpettyTree · 23/07/2016 01:22

Sorry but I think YABU. My dh came to the booking appointment and the scans. He didn't need to come to the other appointments and he certainly couldn't have kept taking time off.

I'd be very surprised if the mw tried to find the hb at 14 weeks. Most areas now they don't even try until about 20 weeks, some at 16.

Most mw appointments involve you doing a wee, and them checking your blood pressure and having a chat. Really no need for your partner to be there every time.

Sweetheartyparty76 · 23/07/2016 06:31

My partner also never came to midwives appointments either, he wasn't expected to.
For this pregnancy, I've had about 10 scans already due to it being ivf pregnancy, losing a twin and losing my first baby due to genetic abnormalities. I had to go to many of them on my own because my partner was working. I've been petrified at each one but I understand that the law doesn't enshrine the partners right to antenatal appointments like the women's. It's not fair but he's only allowed 2 appointments unpaid. There may be more scans where you'll need his support more but he has used his entitlement on the booking appointment which is very boring for the partner.
I can understand your anxiety but you might need him to be there more in the later stages x

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 23/07/2016 06:37

TheCrumpettyTree your dh came to your booking app and scans which is what I'm asking my boyfriend for.

Sweetheartyparty76 I see what you mean. At least people are understanding my anxiety.

OP posts:

SectionImperfection · 23/07/2016 07:34

I totally understand that you're anxious, but please don't take this out on him.

Most people do go on their own, and you have no idea how things will be for him at work if he starts insisting on time off to accompany his girlfriend to routine medical appointments.

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 23/07/2016 07:59

It's literally just the booking appointment not every routine appointment.

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CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 23/07/2016 08:06

My dh has never been to a mw or consultant appt. This is my second pregnancy. I've been to those appts alone (or with my 3yo ds).

The booking in appt is pretty dull. Forms, questions etc. The mw is unlikely to attempt to find hb as the baby is so tiny.

Why are you fixated on your partner attending the booking in appt? It's just what it says - an appt to book you into the system. I'd keep my powder dry and save any dh attendance until later in your pregnancy, if warranted.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 23/07/2016 08:13

Did you get given a blank copy of the maternity hand held notes, which would let you see what family history information you would need from your DP?

peggypineapple · 23/07/2016 08:26

It's clear you're never going to accept you may be being unreasonable.

MyBreadIsEggy · 23/07/2016 08:26

I'm with the majority on this, if he came to the scan with you, and all was well, then there's really no need for him to come with you to the mw app IMO.
The first app is literally just filling in forms, peeing in a cup, blood pressure and that's about it! I'm also surprised that they will listen to the heartbeat so early During my first pregnancy, I didn't hear it at any of my scans, and they only started checking with a Doppler at my 16 week appointment. But I'm now on my second pregnancy (fell pregnant when Dd was 8 months old, so not even that much time between pregnancies) and they no longer listen for the heartbeat with a Doppler until after the 20 week scan. I'm 26 weeks into this pregnancy and haven't heard my baby's heartbeat yet! There were way too many instances of them trying to find it with a Doppler, struggling because baby is still so tiny, and sending mums into a panic and then unnecessary scans.

peggypineapple · 23/07/2016 08:29

Seriously the booking in appointment is tedious, millions of boring questions, they'll likely ask him to leave for a portion of it aswell, if you're not asking him to come to every mw appointment then why this one? I think you've made it into a bit of an issue and you don't want to back down, but personally I think you should.

ShatterResistant · 23/07/2016 08:54

I'm with the majority on this. DH came to scans with me and that was it. It would have been a stupid waste of his time to come to more (plus it always took hours because they ran late every time.) I also think you might have to consider (wo)manning up about all this. You'll have to do a lot of the pregnancy stuff on your own, getting to and from hospital, potentially going into labour on your own, and at the end of it all, being at home on your own for long stretches with a tiny baby. It's a shame that your family are far away, but you can't rely on your partner for everything- much of it has to come from you.

Junosmum · 23/07/2016 08:54

DH only came to the scans. Midwife appointments are boring for you, let alone your partner!

Junosmum · 23/07/2016 08:56

And the booking appointment is longest and most boring of them all!

Sweetheartyparty76 · 23/07/2016 09:19

You also say that your boyfriends boss is really nice but why is he working lots of hours unpaid? Maybe he feels like he has to or feels obliged to. Many bosses appear nice but their expectations of their subordinates might be very different than how they appear to partners. I would accept what my boyfriend says as he is the one that could potentially be put in a difficult position x

seven201 · 23/07/2016 09:29

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable. He went to the scan. My husband didn't come to any midwife appointments with me which was fine by me. You mentioned that your partner is entitled to attend 2 antenatal appointments. He is, but it's not paid time off (unless his company choose to pay).

TheCrumpettyTree · 23/07/2016 09:29

Why are you having a booking appointment at 14 weeks?

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