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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

109 replies

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 13:07

I have my first midwife appointment next week Ill be 14 weeks and the midwife thinks that we will be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time... However my boyfriend (who is the baby's dad) doesn't think that he needs to be or should be there. He just keeps saying he can't get it off work (he hasn't even asked for it off).

Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to be there? Everyone one I know who has a baby the baby's dad has come along to hear the heartbeat.

He says that only if there is something wrong and there isn't a heartbeat that he can get out of work.

This is my first viable pregnancy and don't know if I'm being unreasonable by expecting him/wanting him to be there?

It's upsetting me that it's causing arguments between us.

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NeedACleverNN · 22/07/2016 14:24

I heard the heartbeat on a scan at 20 weeks but it was only a quick flash of one to check the blood flow through the placenta

beenaroundawhile · 22/07/2016 14:31

Good luck OP, hope it goes well

dylsmimi · 22/07/2016 14:35

Maybe your dp doesn't need to ask work to know it's not viable to take time off work. There are times when I know me or dp are unlikely to get time off just because of the time of year etc
He may also be saving his holidays and time off for the end of your pregnancy when you are ready to go into labour and the baby is here
As long as he is at the scans that's the main thing. Dh has never been to any of my midwife appointments (3rd oregnancy now) they are generally very quick - blood pressure, urine test then later on heart beat and a measure of bump. I wouldn't take time off to go if I wasn't the one pregnant!!
Maybe arrange to ring him as soon as you have finished so he can hear all about it?

eurochick · 22/07/2016 14:44

In my experience it's the norm for partners not to come to mw appointments. Mine didn't and I was fine with that. He came to scans and consultant appointments when problems developed in the third tri.

I'd also miscarried my first pregnancy so I understand the nervousness but I really don't think he needs to be there for every appointment.

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 15:04

It's not about everyone just my booking app.

OP posts:

TwirlyHoos · 22/07/2016 15:23

My DH didn't come to any MW appointments with me with DC1 (only scans). This time he came to my group 16 week appointment because he happened to be nearby. He was the only man there and felt really awkward!

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/07/2016 15:42

I don't think hearing the heartbeat should be more important than his work reputation. He will hear the hb at the 20 week scan.

Pixie2015 · 22/07/2016 15:52

Husband has come to scans but never MW apps can't see the benefit - I wouldn't want a MW to try to listen before 20w as very challenging and depends where placenta is - if you really want him to hear if it is possible record on a mobile x

MYA2016 · 22/07/2016 15:58

First time dh met my midwife was after my baby was born. Buy a doppler if you're desperate for him to hear the hb. Unfortunately men can be quite detached from these things till baby's in their arms

MYA2016 · 22/07/2016 16:00

The only men I ever saw at the mw appointments looked like they'd never done a days work in their life

zoeedge · 22/07/2016 16:04

My partner (baby's dad) only ever came to scans with our first child there's no way he could take time off for every midwife appointment as they get more frequent the further along you get!! I understand how special it is to hear baby's heartbeat but I used to just record it on my phone so he could hear it later so maybe you could do this x

HelloSunshine11 · 22/07/2016 16:06

My husband has never been to a single midwife apt with me - am now on my third pregnancy. He comes to scans but that's it.

I had my booking appointment yesterday for this one and dear god it's boring. It's nearly all form filling and nothing interesting happens. I would be really surprised if you have the Doppler at 14 weeks. I was given a leaflet yesterday saying that they no longer listen in at the midwife until 36 weeks and that the NICE guidelines state that it's more effective to ask mums to monitor movement.

minijoeyjojo · 22/07/2016 16:20

Honestly there really is no point making him take time off for your booking appointment. It's pretty much just a form filling exercise and as long as you ask your boyfriend about any family history of disease and genetic conditions you'll have everything you need to know. I'd be incredibly surprised if your midwife listens for a heartbeat. NHS practice is to do that for the first time at your 25 week check. Some midwives will do it at you 16 week check if you ask, but they are not obliged to.

user1463652193 · 22/07/2016 16:28

My husband didn't come to my booking appointment, he did come to my 16 week appointment, but only because I had answered a load of the questions wrong at the booking appointment (as I didn't realise they would ask about his health/history!) and I wanted to make sure if they did ask anything I wouldn't get it wrong. TBH it was a complete waste of his time. I can understand you wanting him to come with you and I think its a bit mean of him to not even ask but I agree with PP that there will no doubt be more important appointments he could/should attend with you.
And just an FYI, the fact I answered questions wrong at the first one wasn't an issue, she just updated my notes at the 16 week appointment and sent me new ones, so if he can't come and there is something you're not sure of just ask him later and get the midwife to update your notes later.

KickAssAngel · 22/07/2016 16:29

there's two issues here.

Whether, practically, he needs to be at the appointment - and the answer is no.
Whether he could be more involved/emotionally supportive - and the answer isn't clear. You obviously want more support, but also know that he is engaged and excited.

Can you accept he isn't coming to the appointment, but talk to him more about other things and get him engaged & involved that way? e.g. ask about family history for the midwife, start talking about names, are you going to buy things for the baby? It's a bit crappy, but it can be hard to believe that there IS a baby on the way (I was in denial until 38 weeks), particularly for the dad who doesn't have any symptoms, so find some tangible things that he can get involved in.

If he's totally uninterested in the whole situation, you have a different problem altogether.

LondonGirl83 · 22/07/2016 16:44

Sorry, but I think you are being unreasonable too. A lot of trusts actually don't want partners at the booking in appointment as they sometimes ask about home life / domestic abuse issues etc.

It is extremely uncommon for partners to come to the the first (booking in) appointment. That he intends to come to the scheduled scans is more than reasonable of him. From what you describe he sounds like in general he is also being supportive.

If he doesn't want to upset work, you should try to respect that as you are both taking on an enormous financial responsibility in having a child. Given he's booked off for the scans I imagine his employers would find it very odd if he asked time off for a mw appointment as well.

Life is going to become much more stressful in short order so try to be reasonable and now row over essentially nothing early on.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 22/07/2016 16:51

I second not looking for the heartbeat if you have anxiety, they tried at 16 weeks with DD1 and couldn't find it- cue scan to check the baby was still alive, it was horrendous.

With DD2 the trusts policy was to check only from 20 weeks onwards, which was much better and found it straight away.

I'm 19 weeks with DC3 and was offered an appointment at 16 weeks to listen for the heartbeat, I declined and will go to my next routine appointment at 24 (I think!) weeks and let her try then.

I am prone to worry too following loss so won't put myself in the position of potential anxiety anymore.

As for medical history, look online at the areas they ask,which aren't actually many for the Dad, and ask your partner to jot it down before you go.

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 22/07/2016 17:29

Reading through the replies I get that most think I'm being unreasonable however I also see a lot of people with their first child did have their partner come with them the first MW appointment.

The way I have gone about it is unreasonable but I think if I feel like I need support for it its not unreasonable. Especially with a lot of other people saying they had their baby's dad their for their booking appointment which is exactly what I'm asking for.

OP posts:

LondonGirl83 · 22/07/2016 17:36

I don't believe a lot of people on this thread have said their partners were at their booking appointment. In fact the vast majority have said the opposite.

What exactly do you feel you need support with at the booking in? It is essentially a paperwork appointment and as others have pointed out its unlikely at 14 weeks you'll hear a heartbeat.

Perhaps if you could explain what it is you feel you need support with your partner could be more supportive.

OldFarticus · 22/07/2016 17:42

I think you are being a tiny bit UR. If he is unsupportive in other ways then it might be that his reluctance to come along is magnified to you? FWIW my DH has never come along to any appointments including scans - he is a consultant and can't cancel his own clinics. However, I have been able to pick up the heartbeat on an iPhone app for him to hear. He made an interested mumble and then carried on reading his blackberry the sod

(And the only bloke I have ever seen waiting in the MW clinic was wearing an offender tag!)

April241 · 22/07/2016 17:46

Genuine question - what do you feel you need support with at the appt? You've done the scary part which is getting the first scan, you've seen baby and there's a heartbeat. In my experience (I'm a FTM too) the scan was scary, I was terrified something had gone wrong etc. The booking in appt literally is just questions and if that had come after my scan I wouldn't have taken my OH with me at all.

pitterpatterrain · 22/07/2016 18:51

My DH didn't come to booking either time. I agree with a PP have a ponder about whether this is really about support for the booking appt or a more general thing, that you need to get more on the same page about support during pregnancy and beyond together

pitterpatterrain · 22/07/2016 18:55

Sorry I meant to say it is easy to feel unsupported and disconnected as it can be a scary, stressful time - and it is to start with just your life tbh that is changing. My DH admits that until the baby is actually out for him not much has happened - you go through all the appts, birth, mat leave if you are working so lots of stuff happening.

jcsc · 22/07/2016 19:18

I'm on my 3rd baby currently 37+1 and my husband has been to every mw appt with me apart from one. I booked them for his day off so he can come. I suffer from anxiety and always cry at my mw appts and it's nice to have him there afterwards for a cuddle. Everyone is different if you want him/need him there that's your choice x

Ilikegin · 22/07/2016 19:29

I'd not worry too much OP if he's been to the first scan and will come to the 20 week scan that should be enough, the midwife appointments are a bit boring to be honest, apart from hearing the heartbeat but there will be plenty of time for him to hear it, you could even ask if you can record it for him at your next appointment, my DH came with me to the first midwife appointment because I was so ill but other than that he hasn't needed to be there and he didn't hear the heartbeat, I wouldn't worry, there are plenty appointments you will need to attend towards the end you can't expect him to go with you to them unless there are complications, it's probably best to save his time off for IF anything happens further down the line where you really need him to be there! Sorry if that sounds negative it's just from my current experience!

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