Am I being unreasonable?

[Emilyyyy]

I have my first midwife appointment next week Ill be 14 weeks and the midwife thinks that we will be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time... However my boyfriend (who is the baby's dad) doesn't think that he needs to be or should be there. He just keeps saying he can't get it off work (he hasn't even asked for it off).

Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to be there? Everyone one I know who has a baby the baby's dad has come along to hear the heartbeat.

He says that only if there is something wrong and there isn't a heartbeat that he can get out of work.

This is my first viable pregnancy and don't know if I'm being unreasonable by expecting him/wanting him to be there?

It's upsetting me that it's causing arguments between us.

April it is my first midwife appointment. Haven't got the foggiest about his family history.

My DH went to my scans but none of my midwife apts. There was no point, mainly they take 5mins check all is ok and off you go. Also it is not standard to check for the heartbeat until much later on so don't be disappointed if you don't get to hear it. If you do, record it on you phone and send it to him. I was happy for him to save his holiday for later on when I had a baby and needed his help.

Yes yabu

He came to the scan. Midwife appointments are more of a checkup on mum and maybe a small check on baby but it's more focused on you

Yabu, he came to the 12 week scan and is taking a day off for the 20 week scan, you're going to have lots of midwife appointments and I doubt he can afford to come to them all. They're quite boring anyway, hearing the heartbeat is lovely but as pp said you can record it on your phone for him.

Yabu - he came to the scan and it's unlikely the midwife will be able to locate the heartbeat for you to hear at 14 weeks. If you're going to 'flip out' at everything you're going to have a very long unhappy time being pregnant

You had your scan before your booking in appointment??? What a strange set up.

Ask your OH about his family history so you're prepared for any questions, perhaps he's content that he's seen the baby and heartbeat at the scan and feels his unpaid leave should be kept for more important appointments should they be required.

Mw will ask if there's a family history of previous problems with anaesthetics/pregnancies/births. Any lung/heart/thyroid/blood/kidney/liver/GI conditions, diabetes, genetic conditions, cancers, joint/bone problems. Any allergies, history of twins, learning disabilities and if you and the father are related.

Jot down anything related to those and you're good on that perspective. Don't get too upset about hearing the heartbeat, sometimes it difficult for dad's to be to get involved at this stage, perhaps your previous loss has affected him more than he's letting on.

My DH didn't come to every appointment he came to the first ones and all scans with all DC, but I wouldn't need him there every appointment, it's all boring urine tests, and how you feeling chat, and to be honest he probably didn't want or need to hear about the intimate details of the thrush I was dealing with.

My husband has only come to the scans ( of which I've had 4. First one was private and we heard the hb at that.
I wouldn't have thought of inviting him to the midwife appointments as all they're doing is blood pressure, measuring your fundal height, testing your wee for protein & glucose, doppler and the occasional taking of blood. They're really boring and if I'm honest it's unusual to see men in the waiting rooms.
I think fathers are only allowed 2 instances off work to attend appointments anyway so that would be your standard 2 scans.
When it comes to the antenatal classes nearer the end you should encourage him to attend them, my husband found them useful and it seems most partners attended them.

YABU.

If you are tetchy and have lost a baby, I would actually strongly recommend that you as the mw NOT to try to find a heartbeat until 16 weeks or later. It's perfectly normal not to find one that soon and the 12 scan was fine. You've no reason to think there are any problems at all but if she doesn't find it you will panic completely unnecessarily. Then there will be two appointments for him to go to because you will insist on booking in an emergency scan... Which will probably then show that all is fine.

You have a LOT of appts ahead of you. Towards the end of your pregnancy, each one will seem more important and your OH is not going to be able to get time off for all of them. It's unrealistic. Save the time off for when it might be needed, he was with you less than two weeks ago at the scan, there's absolutely no need for him to come this time at all.

Also, quite honestly I think it would also be worthwhile managing your expectations around his work. At his age, he can't be very senior in what he's doing nor earning a particularly high salary. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him taking his job seriously and wanting to make sure that he is able to provide for his family through a stable career for the future.

3 pregnancies here and DH has never been to a midwifes appointment, he came to the scans but nothing else. I wouldn't take him to a doctors appointment so not sure why I would take him to a routine midwife appointment.

If he finds getting or having time off work difficult, probably best not to use up any company good will at this early stage in an uncomplicated pregnancy and save it for if you REALLY need him at a later stage.

Sorry but I also think you're overreacting a bit My parter has only been to my 12 and 20 week scans with me, nothing else. He works away and even if he didn'ti wouldn't even think to ask him to a routine appt, I wouldn't bring him to a doctors appt so why the midwife? It's generally quick and uneventful. I had a GTT done last week and was surprised by how many people had partners with them, why do they also need to sit there for 2 hours, the mind boggles. Ask to record it on your phone and send it to him so he can hear it?

I thought you meant he wouldn't come to the scan which would have been unfair. But if he has been then he doesn't need to come to the other appointments.
My dp came to my scan yesterday and will attend the 20 week scan but I wouldn't expect him to come to my consultantion or midwife appointment. He would just get in the way.

My DH came to my booking in appointment to answer questions on family history (not that he knew anything very useful!). We also booked an early private scan as he knew he might be away with work by the time the NHS one came through. He hasn't been able to make it to any of my NHS scans or midwife's appointments since then due to work commitments - despite me having extra growth scans. He was overseas for the 20 week scan so my mum and sister drove 600 miles each way to be with me! If that hadn't been possible I'd have taken a friend. We booked a later private scan for him to see the baby again and he was frankly fairly underwhelmed - he says he doesn't think it will feel real until the baby arrives.
I'd be surprised if the midwife can find a heartbeat at 14 weeks, mine didn't even try until after 18 weeks. Even then it's reassuring but not that exciting if he's already been to a scan seen the baby and the heartbeat 'blip' on the screen.
My DH has agreed to come to the ante-natal classes with me, I think these are much more important for him to attend as he'll need to know the information in them for the birth and early baby days. I'd save your boyfriends time for those or any issues that crop up rather than routine midwife appointments personally.

My GP and midwife all said they wouldn't even attempt to find heartbeat until least 20 weeks as it is so difficult to do it causes more upset and worry than it benefits anyone.

My recent midwife appts have all been at home so OH has kind of been around. I would never have expected him to be at them though. There's too many, they're not particularly relevant or exciting, and he does have a job to do. It's bad enough I miss so much work!

He's been to the scans, that's important.

I think you and your boyfriend need to have a long talk about expectations and how you are feeling. I think you're being unreasonable but you're clearly emotional so you need to come to an arrangement or agreement that suits you both.

Beenaroundawhile honestly just want him at this one, the first one. Not asking or expecting him to come to all of them. His boss ain't that bad and would give it him off if he asked because of all the hours he's done for him and hasn't been paid for. He's on more than double the average wage in the UK and has been there a while, so is in a stable well paid job.
Just at least asking his boss would be sufficient for me, just for the first one. I suffer with anxiety really badly as well and just would appreciate the support especially seen as this is the first midwife app.

I don't think what I'm asking is unreasonable I think the way I'm dealing with it may be unreasonable e.g kicking off.

Thank you everyone for your advice

It's your first mw appointment? At 14 weeks after your 12 weeks scan?

I had an emergency scan at hospital at 10 weeks 2 days before my mw booking in appointment and still had my 12 weeks scan at 12 weeks.

How did you get a scan before you booked in?

DH came to the scans (for this and prior pregnancy) but not to any other appointments. They mostly seem to be peeing in a pot and BP.

Currently 24 weeks and haven't had any MW try to find the heartbeat using a Doppler yet. Heard it at the scans only.

I was under early pregnancy unit because of my last pregnancy and the pains and bleeding I was getting.

I had a massive debarkle with my midwife who refused to see me before I had had my scan and then when I got my scan they said that I should of seen my midwife prior but due to me going on holiday decided to scan me and take my blood's I just had to quickly see a hospital midwife who went through what the bloods were for and give me a folder (it's empty). I've now got a new midwife as my old one was rubbish so I got moved to a new one.

That's it in a nutshell anyway.

EPU gave me a slip to book my 12 week scan in when they discharged me

are you sure you haven't had your booking in appointment yet?

Do you have paperwork for your pregnancy? You get this at your booking in visit. Nothing happens. You just fill out the paperwork and provide a urine sample. Usually happens around 8 weeks

Should I of heard the heartbeat at my scan?

Op having said that I think it's unusual for partners to be at mw appointments and you've already acknowledged that you shouldn't have kicked off it does seem like it really means a lot to you.
Have you tried explaining to him that it's really important to you that he's there calmly? Although I haven't felt the need for him there I am sure that if for whatever reason I wanted my husband at an appointment he would come.

No only paper work I have is an evelope that early pregnancy gave me with all their notes in from my early scans. Haven't done a wee sample for anyone yet. Just had a few bloods done at hospital when I had my scan, oh and was given a folder when I was at my scan.

I know it's all been messed up because the head of the midwives has been involved, and has told me that the midwife shouldn't of refused to see me until after my scan as she needed to see me before.

I didn't hear hb at any of my nhs scans only my private early one at 9 weeks. Then didn't get Doppler at mw appointment until 16 weeks.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit U. You say your DP has a stable job but he might be worrying about taking time off and getting on the wrong side of his boss or losing work/contracts depending on his area and the weight of having to support a newborn is sinking in so he's trying to toe the line as much as possible.
I had a miscarriage and then problems in early pregnancy with the next so due to my anxiety I was on fortnightly MW appointments and they found the heartbeat at 14 weeks. They did say beforehand not to worry if they couldn't as it was really early but they found it really quickly and it was very clear.