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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To find out the sex or not?

37 replies

iloveberries · 31/05/2016 19:27

DP and I have our 20 week scan this week.
Praying for a healthy scan and to see baby developing properly.

Secondary to this is the question of whether we "find out".

DP has 2 DDs from previous and I have a DS. First baby together...

DP is keen to know as he's excited and wants to know for practical reasons. I'm not sure whether I want to or not! Both very happy with either gender. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to know but we have both agreed it ruins some of the magic of the day baby arrives!

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ShowOfHands · 31/05/2016 19:32

There is no right or wrong answer, only what suits you. Perhaps ask them to write it down in a sealed envelope and decide later?

Original poster

iloveberries · 31/05/2016 19:39

That's the thing! I'd love to know but equally want the surprise!

Tbh I just want to know baby is ok... Think that's why we haven't really discussed the gender thing till now!

OP posts:

bumblebee86 · 31/05/2016 19:48

I have a while to my 20 week scan (only 9 and a half weeks) but have been thinking about this recently and can't decide if I want to find out or not. I think I'd like to but kept hearing about people being told the wrong sex so that's making me think maybe a surprise is better.

Original poster

iloveberries · 31/05/2016 20:19

That's the other thing!!!

OP posts:

Eastend2015 · 31/05/2016 20:19

Of course it's a personal decision but I don't agree with finding out for "practical" reasons. It is nice to be able to finalise a name for the baby and call it him or her, so perhaps helps bonding. I'm 37 weeks now and so pleased DH persuaded me not to find out- it keeps a fantastic surprise until the end and TBH saves the fun of buying a few cute things that are gender specific (we have just gone for everything in bright gender neutral colours)

elvislives2012 · 31/05/2016 20:21

I didn't find out with either of my pregnancies. It made it fun. Lots of guessing and theorising and nothing beats the cry of "it's a girl!" When they come out.,

ShowOfHands · 31/05/2016 21:26

I found out for practical reasons second time round. Nothing wrong with that. I also bought only gender neutral clothes even though I knew.

There is no right way. If people tell you there's nothing better than the surprise or they bonded better because they knew, they're offering opinion, not fact.

The good thing is that because you can't decide, there probably isn't a right answer. You'll be happy either way!

skankingpiglet · 31/05/2016 21:27

With DD we didn't find out. DH wanted to know, but I wanted the surprise so pulled rank as the person who had to grow and birth her. (Although tbh I think if one doesn't want to know, whichever parent that is, you don't find out). It made no difference to me what sex it was prep-wise as I'm not a 'pink for girls, blue for boys' person anyway. She's nearly 2yo now and I still mostly dress her in primary colours. It wasn't the amazing reveal I expected when she was born really - she had her bottom unceremoniously dangled over the screen (cs), and DH and I stared, ummed, and said "I think it's a girl...?". Her bits were so swollen we weren't entire convinced they weren't testicles! We had to wait for the midwife to confirm it
The only downside to not finding out in advance for us was we hadn't picked out a boy's name in advance and DH was panicking as to what we do if it's a boy whilst I was being prepped for surgery. That was the main reason we found out this time, so we only have to pick out one name! I let DH decide whether to find out second time as I didn't mind either way as could see pros and cons to both. He decided not to, but then cracked just as we were leaving the scan room It has been equally nice knowing in advance, just different. It's really nice to tell DD her sister is in there.
I think if I was wavering between finding out or not I'd go for the surprise, especially if it was my first.

bippitybopityboo · 31/05/2016 21:45

I honestly think you don't get alot of suprises in life so if you can I'd wait!

That been said we couldn't wait but wanted to do something special so got them to put it in an envelope and had a cake made to cut on mothers day with close family it was lovely
Hope all goes well at your scan!

ermmm · 01/06/2016 11:35

I'm also undecided on what to do. We have one of each so not really fussed what we have. Do and hubby want to know but I want the surprise after the push lol.
Have scan in two weeks hoping can get hubby to be ok with surprise-

Luckystar1 · 01/06/2016 11:41

I have to say, of all the mentalness and tiredness and overwhelmingness (is that a word?!) of labour, I will never forget looking down at my beautiful baby and turning to my husband to tell him we had a little boy (I had a water birth so I was the first to see).

It was amazing. I can't promise you that, but for me, it certainly seemed nicer than a sonographer telling me.

I'm currently nearly 32 weeks with #2 and we haven't found out this time. Although the stupid sonographer said 'he' so I'm thinking our 'surprise' will be a little less surprising!!

ThinkPinkStink · 01/06/2016 11:44

We have our 20 week scan this week too (it's actually 22.5 weeks as that's when they do it in our borough). We're also scared, scared, scared and hoping hard for healthy-news! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you too! .

We're going to find out the sex (if we can) - largely because it'll narrow-down the name shortlist, but also because it'll give us something more concrete to get excited about (I am not a massive fan of surprises, I prefer planning).

Irrespective of the sex we don't plan to buy that many gender-specific items, a baby is a baby, but if it's a little girl I'll likely be sucked in by a tiny dress or two.

GOOD LUCK!!

FellOutOfBed2wice · 01/06/2016 11:50

Didn't find out and can honestly say after all the exhaustion and madness of labour the "it's a girl!" Moment was one of the best of my life.

NapQueen · 01/06/2016 11:53

We didn't find out with dc1 - I didn't need to know earlier and I wanted dh to be the one to announce the sex on delivery. It was something he knew before me. Even if just for a second.

With dc2 we found out. Mainly for dc1 so she knew if she was getting a brother or a sister. People kept asking her "what do you want? " - errrrrrr she's not even three stop harassing her! Dh also wanted to know. It is a boy.

Tbh I didn't bond with dc2 any more during the pregnancy than I did with pregnancy one.

If (we won't! ) we have another baby I'd not find out.

Thurlow · 01/06/2016 11:59

Surely it's the same surprise at 20 weeks as it is at 40 weeks?

I'm too curious so I found out, and will this time as well.

CountessOfStrathearn · 01/06/2016 12:02

"Although the stupid sonographer said 'he' so I'm thinking our 'surprise' will be a little less surprising!!"

That's a little harsh and if anything makes you look a little stupid, luckystar.

The "stupid" sonographer saying "he" (or "she" as the case may be) means nothing usually. It is just to avoid saying "it". Often the report uses female words for the mother and male words for the baby just to make it easy to distinguish.

Also, the "stupid" sonographer often won't go looking to find out the baby's sex unless the parents ask so won't actually know at the end of the scan.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 01/06/2016 12:03

We didn't find out either time, the idea has no appeal for me at all. I can't remember who found out first or announced at delivery though for either DC, so the surprise moment wasn't a big deal at all, it was more that I didn't want to know while I was actually pregnant.

CountessOfStrathearn · 01/06/2016 12:09

I can't think of any "practical" reasons for needing to know so I've (five DC later) no idea what those could be. I've never found out the sex and really like the surprise at the end. I think the knowledge that, despite best efforts, they can be wrong is enough for me and it gets me through difficult pregnancies! It has been fun to think of names for both.

ThinkPinkStink · 01/06/2016 12:15

It's such a personal decision CountessOfStrathearn some people love the surprise and romance of a post birth announcement, but I LOVE planning... I'm vehemently anti applying gender and heteronormative stereotypes to my child, so I have no plans to cover the house in pink plastic in readiness for a girl. But I'm keen to have a bit of direction for the planning.

I'm lucky in the DH agrees, if he was anti finding out, I'd go with his preference - because I love him even more than I love planning xx

MessyBun247 · 01/06/2016 12:20

I didn't find out either times. Loved the surprise! DP was annoyed this time as him and his family wanted to know, but I was the one going through all the pain so it was my decision. It's a lovely moment when you get to look down at your baby and see if you have a son or daughter!

Annarose2014 · 01/06/2016 12:24

I found out last time and this time. I found it amazing. My last pregnancy was stressful and getting that exciting news at 20 weeks was just the psychological boost I needed.

And this time we were struggling for names and it helped to find out. Also this will be our last so I wanted to know in advance what my final family would look like so I could get used to it. I also wanted a girl and was desperately afraid I'd have a sense of momentary gender disappointment if they announced at the end of a hard birth that it was a boy. And I'd find it very hard to forgive myself for that. So if it were a boy I wanted to have that time to preemptively fall in love with him before the birth so the only thing I felt on the day was excitement to meet him. (Ironically it is a girl anyway)

I find it helps hugely with the bonding experience - you refer to them by name for the second half of your pregnancy and they really become very "real". Not that you bond more than if it were a suprise on the day or anything, but it can definitely make the endless tedious rough later months of pregnancy a lot sweeter knowing what it is.

That said, I did experience quite a bit of backlash for finding out (& not only finding out but telling people what it was). Lots of "don't you think you get few enough suprises in life? I'd NEVER find out" from colleagues etc. That was tedious.

ShrimpNGrits · 01/06/2016 12:46

I always assumed I wouldn't want to find out and then we struggled so much with boys names I decided I wanted to know because I had visions of having an unnamed boy for weeks!

Turns out I'm having a girl For me the excitement on the day will be finally meeting her after all this time of wondering what she will look like etc but I totally understand people wanting the surprise of the sex on the day. It's a personal thing; sorry OP I've not helped at all!

MyBreadIsEggy · 01/06/2016 12:52

I found out with my first baby just "because"! I had no real reason for finding out, I just wanted to.
This time around we are finding out so I know what new things I need to buy, and what things left over from when DD was tiny can be used again ie girl's clothes, pink bedding etc.....plus it's always nice to be able to finalise a name. I think my mum is getting a bit sick of DH and I referring to this baby as "foetus"

OldFarticus · 01/06/2016 12:52

I agree with shrimp - totally personal. I found out at 10 weeks because I had NIPT testing and opted to know the gender. Was still gobsmacked when she said it was a bloody boy - but am now delighted! It's just practical - I bought some lovely "boy" things when I found out. (Not that I approve of gendering with tinies, but it's bloody hard to buy much that's "unisex" ime...)

Do what feels right.

Seekingmiracles · 01/06/2016 12:54

We found out but are keeping it quiet from everyone else so there's still the surprise element when the baby is born. We were both in two minds, but had our Dr write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. Then opened it a week or so later... That was at 16 weeks, confirmed this morning at our 20weeks scan.
There's pros and cons of both sides...

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