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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Why am I getting these comments for 3rd pregnancy/baby?

27 replies

QueenMolotov · 16/03/2016 20:28

I've recently started to tell friends and people we know that we're expecting another baby. We have 2 dds aged 7y and almost 4y and the baby is due in September.

Already I've been hit with a few 'was the baby planned?' questions, as well as 'do you want a boy?' and 'I'd try and get the baby out in August; it's difficult being the eldest in the class'. (Yes, baby was planned/Not trying for a boy/baby is just due in September and the dates have not been planned that way).

Obviously, I've had lots of congratulations, too, and I'm sure these kinds of questions/comments are common. But I wasn't particularly prepared for them! It's also stuff I'd never dream of asking.

Anyone got similar experiences?

OP posts:

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Northernlurker · 16/03/2016 20:33

It's a third baby/age gap/have two dds thing. I had exactly the same with dd3. dd1 was 8 and dd2 5 when we announced a long planned pregnancy (was waiting for 9 months mat leave to come in!) Most people assumed it must be an accident and/or we were desperate for a boy and were most disconcerted when we corrected them. The one that really annoyed me was our neighbour's girlfriend who we didn't know very well who looked at the new baby over the fence and said ' did you mean to have her?' I should have told her to sod off!
My grandmothers were both concerned we were disappointed when the baby turned out to be a boy but like the good eggs they are, they let it go once assured otherwise. So no - it's not just you.

SmallBee · 16/03/2016 20:33

I'm pregnant with my second and I've had both the first two asked. Baby is due in August and oddly I've had the reverse comments of 'keep your knees together! Summer babies struggle at school! '

I think it's partly because some people aren't parents or ttc so they don't appreciate how intrusive / insulting those questions are. Also partly because some people are dickheads.

amysmummy12345 · 16/03/2016 20:40

We've already got a DD and have had a few pitying head tilts when we announced DD2 on the way we're chuffed to bits and not at all disappointed but folks seem to think of you don't have one of each it's some sort of tragedy

baby3forme · 16/03/2016 20:46

We have two daughters already and I keep getting the 'oh do you think this is your boy' ... Really annoys me and actually we'd all love another girl!!!! Also due in September which we planned x

Crumbles12 · 16/03/2016 21:01

I'm currently pg with DC2 and know the feeling! 50% of the people we have told start off with 'so was it planned' DS is 4 so a bigger gap partly down to choice, but a bit longer due to a mc, all of these things are hard and obviously without them knowing about these struggles I understand they don't realise how offensive it is, but I can't see how it is ever anyone's business if you planned it or not?! Downright rude, we have also had comments of are you hoping for one of each, fingers crossed its a girl etc. I haven't thought of any witty comebacks as of yet!

Noappointmentnecessary · 16/03/2016 21:04

They are jealous!! Congratulations xx

Slothlikesundays · 16/03/2016 21:21

I am starting to think this is the norm. Every person, bar immediate family has asked if our baby was planned. Not really sure why it's such a shock to people as together 8 years. I must not look like mum material!

baby3forme · 16/03/2016 21:23

When people ask if it was planned say ' no we were product testing condoms for a new company.... Clearly they only got 1 star from us'

CutYourHairAndGetAJob · 16/03/2016 21:27

Congratulations. People just say daft things because they are trying to make conversation

Shesinfashion · 16/03/2016 21:27

Am surprised by the pop it out in August comments. DD2 was due early September but decided to make her way into the world very late in August. Everyone thought this was tragic for her.

Pinkheart5915 · 16/03/2016 21:28

This is the norm I think.

We have a ds (6months old) and I am currently pregnant again due in August with a girl

When we announced the pregnancy

Was it planned?
Your mad so close together?
Bet your hoping for another boy?
Oh born in August will be youngest in its class?
Why be pregnant in summer ?

Of course we did get many congratulations as well.

Shesinfashion · 16/03/2016 21:30

And there's 20 months between my girls and a lot of people expressed pity for me when I was pregnant with the youngest. Lots of comments "you must be mad".

CottonSock · 16/03/2016 21:31

Someone asked me if my pregnancy was planned and I was a bit stumped on how to respond politely.

sillysusan · 16/03/2016 21:36

Aw don't get offended!

People just making conversation. It's common questions to ask after someone tells you they are pregnant.

I have one of each, people have often asked if we're having anymore. We're not because of DH age, financial restrictions and my career. So just say no, DH had a vasectomy so this is my lot. Response is always "well you don't need to, you've one of each" like that was even a consideration! I could easily get offended but I recognise it's the 'done thing' ...these comments .

NataliaOsipova · 16/03/2016 21:37

A teacher friend of mine has the best story - apparently when she announced she was expecting one of the boys in the class asked "Does the father know?". Errr....!

HappyInL0nd0n · 16/03/2016 23:10

Congratulations.

Some people are just weird. I'm pregnant with our first, but I've been with my husband for 10+ years, so I guess some people assumed we weren't planning on having kids (we were - just waiting for the right time for us).

Anyway, in response to the unflattering 'Was it planned?' question (which was asked at least 4/5 times), I responded: 'I'm thirty-fucking-six What the fuck do you think? You would hope I'd know how babies are made by this stage'.

Wishing you a very happy, healthy pregnancy.

HappyInL0nd0n · 16/03/2016 23:14

I should probably add that I said this in a jokey 'I can't believe you've just asked me that' way, not an aggressive 'Raaaargh, how dare you ask me?' way.

And I didn't curse at the older lady who asked me in work.

Jw35 · 16/03/2016 23:21

I have 2 dd's too and I'm due in July. My youngest dd will be 19 months when this ones born. So far I've had:

You must be mad!
Are you hoping for a boy?
Was it planned?

I'm not mad, I wanted a short gap! I'm not hoping for a boy as a girl would be nice for younger dd to play with (I don't mind either way)
Not only was it planned but I had mc a couple of months ago so the gap would have been even shorter! I also might have another one yet!

skankingpiglet · 17/03/2016 08:56

baby3forme that actually isn't far off the reason we have DD

I think people are just nosey tbh and don't think about how rude and intrusive their questions are. I've been asked both times (by many people) if it was planned, and this time I've had a lot of 'are you hoping for a boy?' (nope) or 'do you think you'll give it another try?' now we know it's a girl (no way). I can't get massively upset about it as often I think people are trying to be nice and interested. Also I think a lot of babies aren't exactly planned and a lot of couples would like one of each, so they are relating back to their own experience.

If you want to bat them away and stop further questions then the tmi responses are best I've found.

As for your age gaps OP, they are fairly similar between your three so I would assume it was planned like that.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/03/2016 09:03

Peopke are just making conversation. I'd wonder privately about those things but wouldn't ask.

One colleague who knew I'd just got married and bought a large house asked me if my pregnancy was planned. The mind boggles!

I think people compare your situation with their own. Personally I wouldn't have coped with a small age gap - we had 2 years and it was very hard work - - but I try not to react when others have dc close together. I also couldn't cope with a third dc so feel slightly horrified when anyone asks if I want another!

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 17/03/2016 09:11

Ugh I remember all this in my 3rd pregnancy. I had two boys so of course everyone seemed to assume we were trying for a girl. I did have a girl, and even the midwife was all "yes! You got your girl!" - Id never so much as hinted I had any preference at all, cos I didnt.

I also had a lot of "was it planned?" Comments which I think pissed me off mainly because I always imagined I'd be a hippy earth mother who gave off the vibe of loving babies and would naturally be someone who would have a big family - I guess I wanted "ah you were always going to have a big family" comments and instead I interpreted the "was it planned?" Comments as more of a - shit, she reckons she can cope with a THIRD?!

Original poster

QueenMolotov · 17/03/2016 11:34

Yes, I'm quite sure the comments are just general chit-chit and people showing interest, and rarely anything more is meant by it. I agree that some people can impart their own experiences when reacting to pregnancy news. I haven't taken the things said personally. It's more that reactions have been markedly different (in some ways) this time and it's surprised me a bit.

The strange thing is that dd1 took almost a year to conceive and dd2 took 2 years, fertility investigations and 6 cycles of clomid (unknown to anyone IRL except DH & I and my parents). I had thought about another baby for a while, I think we both knew our family wasn't 'done' yet, but to tell you the truth, I was scared of really wanting a baby to happen in case it didn't. After 3 months of not trying very hard at all, I conceived (and I'm inwardly extremely pleased about that!)

OP posts:

malvinandhobbes · 17/03/2016 12:06

Third baby here with a 10 year age gap between current youngest and baby .

Even the sonographer asked us if it was planned. I get that it is an atypical family planning decision. At our age, with two older children, most people don't decide to have more babies unless they have a new husband. I try to be patient.

It still drives me crazy every single time. I have yet to give a sarcastic response, but I do think them. DH rolls his eyes and answers "Yes, we are grown ups, we know how birth control works." He gets asked a lot less often than I do.

PenguinWatch · 17/03/2016 12:20

At 2 years married and aged 30 I got asked if DC1 was planned! People are very strange. When one of my friends was pregnant was DS3 she got told by a midwife and later a nurse, on the same day, how difficult her life would be. Why would you say that???

As for being a September baby, children born September - Feb statistically do better academically and at sport because they have the benefit of being older. Our DC2 is due end July and I am already considering holding him or her back to start school the September after they turn 5.

kiki22 · 17/03/2016 12:57

I had lots of are you pleased comments and people keep saying are you hoping for a girl this time (I have a boy) and most annoyingly did you mean to leave a big gap (4.5 yrs) mainly because we tried for well over a year which was hard for us so feels like twisting the knife a little.

Weirdly I never noticed many weird/cheeky comments when I was pregnant the first time I don't know if there were less or that I was so head in the cloud that I didn't notice.

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