Beyond despiar

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

32 weeks today and feel as if only responsible thing to do is find the bravery to end it. So, so, so convinced have harmed this child with my mood and weakness in being able to control that mood or making the wrong choice in not taking ads in case they hurt him, NHS told me can't help me, credit cards for private support maxed and in any case limit to how helpful that is anyway, feel like worst most useless person alive and just can't believe how far I've let this go. Feel so so sorry for this poor little boy and so desperate. Living with parents now who are so kind but broken hearted by me, not actually going to do anything to end it as would push them and dh over the edge but really feels like should. Can't be honest with anyone in rl about this as there's nothing they can say and so just venting here. Want to crawl away somewhere to hide forever or just die, never felt so stupid and worthless and alone.

You are not worthless, did they never help you after you went to A&E? I'm sorry I dont have much experience on this but holding your hand until someone more knowledgable comes along

Oh Sleepless. Maybe time to reconsider inpatient treatment. You've done so well and been so honest. Keep being honest with the people who are here to help you.

Weren't you being seen by a team at home? Call them

Please reconsider the ADs as well.

My gp has tried but the Barnet mental health team said no counselling or support available until some time after birth. Had one appointment with a psychiatrist who suggested googling together to see if cortisol harmed baby in utero and judged us for spending money on private treatment and some home visits from what I think were volunteers which stopped after my husband complained when one of the visitors told me to pull myself together as mood was harming baby which is biggest fear and hospital and perinatal psychiatrist had said was unfounded. Told them felt unsafe and wanted to be admitted or have some kind of support as was desperate and was refused.

In that case I think you should go to A&E again. They can't ignore you then.

sleepless I don't know your back story hun but you sound like you have severe antenatal depression. Why can't you get any help from the NHS?! I've suffered low mood in the past and I've been asked how I am throughout this pregnancy (I'm 27 weeks) and offered appointments with the psychiatric nurse. They can't leave you and your baby at risk like this! I'm glad you've said you're not going to 'do anything' as that's what I'm concerned about. There was that awful story in the news last year of that new mother who took her baby out of the hospital and jumped off the Clifton suspension bridge in my hometown of Bristol. I can't bear the thought of another waste of life, 2 lives! I thought the powers that be would learn from that tragedy and help ladies like you who are finding things hard. And don't worry your baby won't be affected by your feelings safe in your belly. I hope you get the help you need soon x

I'm so sorry to see your struggling sleepless. I wish there was something I could do to help you because your story has genuinely moved me.

You are so close to the end now, you have approximately 9 weeks left, you've done the vast majority of the pregnancy and your little boy will be here soon. You will see then that you haven't harmed him and you won't believe the love you will feel.

You are so strong and can get through this. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone else to talk to.

Contact the team and see if you can get inpatient treatment. You're so close to the goal now (and those last few weeks are physically tough, I know, I'm in them!) so let others look after you.

Please think about taking the ads as well - honestly, the benefit of the ads outweighs any tiny risk they have.

I think your dh (who sounds like an absolute rock by the way) needs to get back in touch and kick up some fuss. You need that treatment.

Your baby is NOT being harmed - but you are, so please, please get some help. I think inpatient treatment is the way to go. Go through the list of everyone who has advocated for you during this time and see if any of them can help you get what you need.

Thinking of you.

I am just so sure he will not be ok. And not with something like Down syndrome that can happen to anyone but something I've caused that he wouldn't have had otherwise, know am probably not thinking straight but seen so much on here about harm to child from mothers mood when pregnant let alone online. No doctor can say for certain it's not harmed him. Spending last money now on Accupuncture of all things out of some desperate hope may help but think too far. Have really really really tried at every stage to do the right thing and think truth is should have terminated months ago rather than put him through this. Ashamed to go into Accupuncture as crying. Really did used to be such a happy competent and together woman I can barely remember now, completely slid off the edge and feel so alone

Oh sleepless, I have never commented before but I've followed your posts. You've done so well getting this far, mental health provision is absolutely awful, I'm sorry you're not getting as much help as you could but please please reconsider the ADs, they really wouldn't offer them if they would harm your son.

Thank you for being so kind. Ive been warned that the only hospital I would be put in from a and e, St Ann's in Barnet, has a terrible reputation and would remove capacity and put me on drugs - this is from a psychiatrist I saw. In any case, when I tried to get a bed there two weeks voluntarily ago despite what I'd heard they refused. If I go to a and e the only way I will get in is under a section and won't be able to refuse the drugs. Hardly the easiest person to help here I know, just wish there was someone I could talk to a couple of times a week who could reassure me kindly and with medical evidence not to worry and hang in there. Cbt said shouldn't seek reassurance and really tried for long time but as not long to go feels like only thing would help other than drugs. Do understand doctors wouldn't recommend if significant risk of harm but also been told that no real evidence for risk of harm to him from my mood so feels irresponsible to take the drugs just so I feel ok. Plus agreed to start drugs straight after birth and they recommended a different one so not sure how that would work. I'm sorry, I don't know what I even want anyone to say, just miss my old self. Managed to convince dh doing ok so he could go on stag this weekend which he really has looked forward to for months as is best friend and he is best man just got to work out how to stay busy and distracted over weekend. Really want to limit impact on everyone else.

This must be exhausting for you. Good to see you have loving parents as well as your DH. I can't think what to say to comfort you but good luck.

I think refusing meds is your number one problem right now, truly.

Please take the ads, please. There's little risk to the baby from your mood in the direct way you're worrying about, but there's a risk to YOU feeling so bad. And your baby will need you (and late pregnancy is tough enough) so please, please, please take them. It is not irresponsible to take them - you're suffering horribly. If you'd slipped a disc in your back, you'd take the painkillers. If you had a uti, you'd take the antibiotics. Take them!

They're not a magic pill to make everything better but they should open up a little chink of light and give you just a bit of a lift.

You also need to get someone with you this weekend. Sister? Mum? Friend? Anyone who is non judgemental and can just be a second presence with you while dh is away. Or go to your mums and let her look after you. Just don't be alone.

You can do this - look how far you've come already.

Babies can come through so much, you need to think about yourself, the baby will be fine. Just want to send you support to get through the last few weeks.

You need to be feeling better once the baby is here so you can look after the little one. Take as much support from your husband and family as you can and keep posting on here .

Take the meds and keep ringing/ going to the docs/ a&e - it was the only way my husband got any physc help by calling the doctors each week...

You do need reassurance, it's normal to want that just ask on here if you want it

Sleepless I haven't really got anything helpful to add but just wanted to say I have had a number of scans during this pregnancy which use radiation. It was to diagnose blood clots in my lungs and although I don't have any kind of depression or feel like you do, I did feel terrible when I read the risks to my baby and almost refused the scans. I still worry in case it's harmed my LO but I had to just keep in mind that I was important too. Please don't feel bad if you have to take meds. You really do have to look after yourself too. Sorry I haven't anything more helpful to add. I hope you get the help you need to cope over the next few weeks

I know I can't make you feel better, but you are doing everything your baby needs you to do. The baby will not be harmed by your mood.

A friend of mine stopped taking her medication for Bipolar disorder when she was pregnant (it wasn't ADs) and has a beautiful little girl. It was a very difficult time for her, but none of that had any effect on her baby, and I'm sure yours is safe and sound too. I don't think ADs will have any effect on your baby, but you have not harmed him with your mood.

It's not at all the same thing, but I've been working really long days recently and only getting a couple of hours sleep a night - like 20 hours a day but sometimes working through the night so doing 2 days straight. I've inevitably been feeling pretty faint and had to go to the doctors. Without me having to ask they told me that the baby just gets on and takes what it needs so I shouldn't feel guilty about that, I'll just need to recover. I hope you can give relax this weekend and not be too hard on yourself.

You are almost there, but I know it doesn't feel like it. Please take your meds. Please reach out for real life support. Is your midwife offering you any support? Is inducing a bit early an option?

Hang in there. It will get better.

Oh OP I'm so sorry things are still so bad. I'm another person coming on to urge you to reconsider taking AD's. My own experience and thoughts were very similar to yours but the worst of mine were postnatally with ds1. I was on antidepressants throughout my second pregnancy (sertraline between 50mg and 75mg) with no ill effects to my son whatsoever. I'm currently pregnant with dc3 and so far I have been ok, but should any of those feelings return I would not hesitate to take them again during pregnancy or whilst breastfeeding.

Your baby does not need a perfect mother (no such thing) - he needs YOU. I know more than anyone the absolute torture of feeling like you are (or very close to it) it feels all encompassing and never ending but you will come through and out the other side, please, please believe me. I was terrified that I would somehow be altered forever and never get back to myself, but I did and so will you.

I am certain that your husband and parents will want to know how desperate you are feeling - please tell them. If you want to pm me please do. I'm a nurse but not in mental health so can only talk from my own experience but if you want to talk I'm happy to. All good wishes to you

Oh sleepless I am so sorry to read this, you poor thing. I can only echo what others have said re please reconsider the anti-depressants. Please remember that YOU are important in this too, and how you are feeling can be helped. I've been on ADs throughout my entire pregnancy (now almost 34 weeks) with the wholehearted support of midwife/GP/consultant and all I can say is that I really think if you started taking them, even just a tiny dose, they would give you some respite from these thoughts. You'd be able to see the wood for the trees and be able to much better rationalise your fears about harming the baby. I know what's hard is that no one can say for absolute 100% certain that the baby will be 100% ok but the odds for ADs are high. And taking them might help reduce your fears if that makes sense. It's a vicious circle.
Thinking of you, and v happy to talk about my experience on ADs if it's helpful, just PM me. Lots of love from November ladies.

sleepless I also wanted to say you are not worthless or useless - you are a person doing your best under very very difficult circumstances. You are ill and it is your illness that is making you think these things and feel this way. You can get better and you will feel better.

I can't remember if I've suggested this on one of your other threads but is there a perinatal mental health team in your area? I think the NHS seem to have let you down badly.

Hiya, I read this earlier and have been thinking about you this afternoon. You have a maximum of 10 weeks left before this baby is born. Maximum, very likely less. Do you think you could try really hard to not make any decisions about you or the baby until this time has passed? Take each day (or hour) at a time and tick off how many you have left each night. Sometimes I think about an event in the future to help. So come Christmas what you are going through now will be done, finished, complete. Christmas comes every year, you know that and nothing will stop it coming. You will not be pregnant by Christmas.
Once the baby is delivered I hope you will feel differently, and actually I have every faith that you will. I totally understand what you say about missing your old self. Mental health is a total bitch in this respect. You will come back, the normal you is still here but just struggling at the minute.

For what it's worth I think you've had a shocking service and set of advice. But you aren't in a place at the minute to worry about that. I' taking anti depressants and a mild tranquilliser. Two gps and a obstetric consultant all know and have said it's fine. That might not be right for you, sorry to confused you with conflicting stories.
There is always the Samaritans if you want to actually speak to someone, I've found the, fabulous in the past.
So 70 days to go (I have 112 and am also counting down)!!

Big big love, Katy xxxxx

Sweetheart I promise you are not harming your baby. I suffered an horrific bereavement and lost my little brother when I was newly pregnant and I felt the same as you. My boy is 6 now and the sweetest, kindest little boy you can imagine. I broke down in his parents evening when his teacher confirmed the above because I was so worried that my moods in pregnancy would have effected his behaviour and development. I suffered awful depression after his birth, which reared its ugly head again during my second pregnancy. I wasn't given medication until after the birth but I really feel I should have been given something while I was pregnant.

Those horrible things you think of yourself are the illness talking, it's not the truth. If you were an awful mum you wouldn't be here posting about how worried you are.

Please, please reconsider the ADs. I would hate for your mood to get even lower after the birth like happened to me, if you can help prevent that and start feeling better now please do.

Keep talking to us, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat

Hello Sleepless it sounds like you are having a really tough time and need some assistance perhaps from ADS. Please take a look at this link www.nhs.uk/news/2009/09September/Pages/Antidepressants-and-pregnancy.aspx which was given to me by my consultant at my IVF clinic whilst trying to conceive on ADS. It seems that the risk to the baby is from heart defects affecting the septum and this is when the heart is developing in early pregnancy, not at your stage. Furthermore, by taking fluoxetine the risk of such a defect becomes no greater than that of women who are taking no ADS.
Taking ADS when you are depressed is a wonderful thing as it gives you a break from the relentless negative thoughts and anxiety. It seems to be that your baby would be safer if you took some ADS or received similar help than without them, as you are having suicidal thoughts. You have done so well to get this far, and will clearly make a great mum as you care so much for your sons wellbeing. Xx

Sleepless I am so sorry to read that you're still not getting the help that you need. I know it's hard but please try and focus on all the conversations you've had reassuring you that you aren't harming your baby.

Has there been discussion of inducing you a bit early? You are so close now and have done so well to overcome this anxiety so far.