Beyond despiar

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

32 weeks today and feel as if only responsible thing to do is find the bravery to end it. So, so, so convinced have harmed this child with my mood and weakness in being able to control that mood or making the wrong choice in not taking ads in case they hurt him, NHS told me can't help me, credit cards for private support maxed and in any case limit to how helpful that is anyway, feel like worst most useless person alive and just can't believe how far I've let this go. Feel so so sorry for this poor little boy and so desperate. Living with parents now who are so kind but broken hearted by me, not actually going to do anything to end it as would push them and dh over the edge but really feels like should. Can't be honest with anyone in rl about this as there's nothing they can say and so just venting here. Want to crawl away somewhere to hide forever or just die, never felt so stupid and worthless and alone.

Nearly 33 weeks Sleepless! The time is passing.

As SerendipityDooDah said, your illness is clouding every aspect of your life at the moment so it's hard for you to see past. But it won't always feel like that and your relationships will survive this.

Also, some people don't know how to deal with it. It doesn't mean they don't love you. My DM is a great example of this. She loves me and would do anything for me, I know that, but this is all just a bit beyond her. She got frustrated, but more at her inability to make things better i think. People are complicated.

In my experience some friends will stick with you, some will bugger off, most will come back again. Everyone has their own struggles, so their reaction is not necessarily about you IYSWIM, it's often more to do with them.

Well done with the CBT. It can be so hard and you're doing really well.

Thank you both so much :) Texted friends and they've texted back and think is ok - going to ease off the texts for a wee while if I can! Just wish wish wish could get on top of this and just believe the doctors like everyone else seems to, dh, family, friends - just convinced my case is different, but rationally can't make case as to why other than seems so unlikely could be confident about impact of constant anxiety throughout pregnancy as seems so rare, so under studied and also seen so many scary things about cortisol in pregnancy, xx

Hoping someone out there with something, anything really that can make me see sense. Bar odd meltdown combo of bed at eight and working hard at school kept me too distracted to worry and today had such such a lovely day out driving to seaside with dh and now staying here overnight and should be lovely and huge wave of panic and self loathing hit me like a truck. Tracked periods so closely for months why did I miss that one? When I did why didn't I just believe doctors who said it was ok? Why did I have to go so unbelievably terrifyingly crackers driving dh, friends, family mad? Why if I was so scared of all this did I not just terminate instead of pushing on through this cruel limbo dragging everyone down? Just cannot cannot cannot believe that have not harmed him with all my anxiety. Dh and family seem to have heard doctors say no risk I have, I have not heard this, I've heard there is a chance I have and can't tell if because judgement so skewed as so mad and sad or because this is what they've said but family more optimistic. He doesn't move much each day, more than ten times but wriggle more than kicks and worried this is a sign. Worried that whole feelings for past seven months a sign that something awful going to happen and just all all all my fault and when it does everyone now like
Family and dh saying won't do will realise and will see it is my fault. Knew this was coming as last few days just felt so detached and unreal and knew would have to be real again sooner or later. Praying fact have slept throughout pregnancy and eaten ok and sometimes felt ok means can't have had so much constant cortisol as to damage his brain or however this works. Going to try to go to sleep now but so scared dh will sleep first and will be awake with all my fears alone next to him. Please please someone tell me am being insane, feel so scared am only one who knows the truth.

Should add not suicidal and not going to do anything stupid just so so in need of comfort from here, found it so helpful before xxx

Oh Sleepless, I am sorry you are finding things very tough at the moment. How is the CBT going, are you finding it much help?

Feeling alone with scary thoughts can be terrifying, and there isn't anything easy to take that away. I wonder if the anxiety and conscious worry about getting pregnant in the first place is also still having some effects on you.

It is your perceptions that are skewed, and that aren't really able to bring the advice you're getting to bear rationally on your situation. There is no value to feeling guilty for having a lovely day out at the seaside, but I think your brain is finding it really hard to let go.

I'm about 33 weeks too, mine is definitely wriggling more than kicking - I think it must be running out of room!

You have and are being very brave with your fears, and you are really almost there. Take courage, you are already a wonderful mum.

Hi sleepless, have followed your story since your first post, you're doing amazingly!! From approx 34 weeks onwards my DD,'s movements were not kicks, I would mainly see bits of my bump looking funny as she would move herself into odd positions and as you described she would wriggle.

Anytime I was worried about her movements I went down to the MAU to be monitored, which put my mind at ease. My DD is now 17 weeks old, movements do change as they get bigger, as they can't flip as easily into different positions.

You're so close to the end of your pregnancy now, really hope that once your little one is in your arms, some of your fears will melt away x

Thank you both - that's really reassuring about movements and kind to share here, I appreciate it. I just can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong. Rationally, I know is only if there are physical signs eg movements which you've reassured me on, nothing to do with instinct, just feel have messed all of this up from conception throughout carrying him with anxiety and fear instead of love and warmth that it can't be the case it will go well, it's like I don't deserve it to go well even though it will be him not me that pays the price. That's why I asked for all those stories on another thread, trying to give self some evidence it could go right. This morning just numb again which is better than terrified! Thank you for your kind words and please, anyone out there with stories of coming through this and baby unharmed please share as find them so helpful!

Morning Sleepless, I'm glad to hear this morning feels a little bit less scary. Just wanted to say that, whilst your anxiety is clear, your love and warmth for your little one are too - no-one would think otherwise.

Go and get some breakfast and go look at the sea for a bit x

Thank you. Today was ok but was still hard... Am worried just going to get harder as due date gets closer and ability to distract self with cbt gets weaker going to feel more and more frightened and harm him more. Wish could believe doctors that not harming him but if feelings get worse then maybe I will.