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Original poster

Perhaps I'm just a snob, but isn't this a little grabby?

34 replies

LidlSoph · 12/09/2015 20:07

Hi all,

So a (distant) cousin of mine is having a baby shower, hosted by her Mum, and along with the invitation my own Mum recieved (it says [shall we call her Gwen) Gwen and family, I didn't receive any type invite), they've sent along with it a fucking gift list!

The top says "Price range? Not to worry, there's a different price category to suit!" Following this, is 3 different headings of "£0-5, £6-25 and £50"
To add further insult, there isn't a humble comment of 'please don't feel you need to bring anything along but if you want to etc"

I find baby showers insanely grabby in the first place (unless the Mum to be didn't know one was being sarcastic planned), but the girl does and won't shut up about it on Facebook

What do you think?

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Original poster

LidlSoph · 12/09/2015 20:08

*planned in the first place

OP posts:

beeecaaa · 12/09/2015 20:25

Maybe she wrote it as to avoid getting doubles? I, however, find that very cheeky. That's purely pressuring people into buying a gift and not everybody can afford to do that!

When I was pregnant, numerous people offered to throw me a baby shower but I point blank refused all offers as I didn't want one. I mean no offence to anybody who has one, but personally it's not my taste. I'm terrible at being put on the spot and having people hand me gifts would have made me very uncomfortable.

It was MY baby, so I bought everything.

I think what you've described is very rude and I'd personally be cheeky and turn up with either nothing, or something cheap that wasn't on the list.

I'm shocked someone could be so blunt.

She should be grateful for anything her guests can afford to buy.

LumpySpaceCow · 12/09/2015 21:06

I dislike baby showers at the best of times and agree this is grabby.
I just find it strange celebrating the birth of a baby before it is actually born and the ones I have been invited to just seem like an excuse to get presents x

sophiaslullaby · 12/09/2015 21:11

Baby showers are not for me either, if one was throw for me as a surprise I'd hate anything more than a small gathering with tea and cake(i would hate all the party games and even more so to be given presents).
Most people, if invited to a celebration party, will bring a gift and then the recipicent pretends surpise and polietness, as such is the British way, so to set up a gift list does seem rather rude. I think the same of wedding gift lists though, we didn't do one and only duplicates we got was wine - happy days!!

Do you want to go to this baby shower? If so take a card and just your best wishes and company :-D

bodenbiscuit · 12/09/2015 21:12

Baby showers are grabby full stop. What a bloody cheek. I never expected anyone to hand out presents for my newborn children even when they were actually born.

CarShare · 12/09/2015 21:39

If you would have bought her a gift when the baby's born anyway then you could just spend the amount you would have spent and think no more about it but if you're feeling pushed to buy a present she wouldn't have otherwise been given I would either decline the invitation or stick to the lowest price bracket just to avoid feeling awkward (or take nothing).
I agree with all of the comments on here- I hate baby showers and think they're really grabby and in poor taste.

newbian · 13/09/2015 02:21

Gift lists are a guide, they're not mandatory. If you don't want to buy her anything from it then don't. The reason people make them is to avoid getting duplicates or things they don't want or need. It's also cultural. I'm American and had my baby shower there, my list was very low cost basic stuff and guests complained because there wasn't enough to "nice stuff" on the list for them to buy!

Littleoakhorn · 13/09/2015 05:49

I was thrown a surprise baby shower. It was just my mum and some close friends, some cake and tea. It was an absolutely lovely way of catching up with my friends before the baby arrived and stole my brain and my ability to have more than two visitors at a.time... At least for the first few weeks.

As for gift lists, I think people just get carried away. Buy your own little present, or flowers, or nothing, and if the party is a bit over the top with games then find a quiet corner with a kindred spirit and eat all the cake while no-one is looking.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/09/2015 06:14

When did this baby shower thing start? DD is only 12 and no one had heard of them at that time. Quite the opposite. It was considered bad luck for anyone but parents to buy anything for a baby until it was born. Tempting fate!

And yes, it's yet another American grabby tradition along with bridal showers that we seem to have imported.

toohardtothinkofaname · 13/09/2015 08:14

I don't know why you're affected by it so much? Like you said, you're not invited & you're not going so why are you bothered what she's up to? In pregnancy & parenting there's already so much judging. Just let her have her party & get on with it. It's not like she's said she'll do anything negative to someone who hasn't bought something.

My pals are throwing me a shower & have ASKED me to make a list because it's easier for them, so I have (including an intro explaining this). Anyone who thought negatively about me for this I'm not sure I'd want to be around anyway because they're supposed to be close friends/family

Prizeplum · 13/09/2015 08:22

I'm another one who doesn't like tempting fate. A good friend had one (very small and a good excuse for a natter). Absolutely no way did she give a gift list. Some people brought gifts of their own choice, but, I took some nibbles along for the catch up. She knew my feelings on giving before the birth anyway. We both knew someone who suffered a still birth 6 days before due date so....

meditrina · 13/09/2015 08:25

"there isn't a humble comment of 'please don't feel you need to bring anything along but if you want to etc""

That's because it's a shower. The clue is in the name, it means 'shower with gifts' and so taking a present is the whole point. If you want to have a party to celebrate the coming baby, but without obligatory gift-bringing, then you don't call it a shower.

Some co-ordination to avoid duplicates is sensible, but a list is going a bit far (as it's normally a close friends do, and you'd expect the host to just talk to them). 'Shower-type' gift is US idiom for 'small' so it's a bit tacky to have suggestions going over the £20-25 mark (and actually £10-15 would be more typical) unless you are inviting only from very affluent circles.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/09/2015 08:34

Ah meditrina for explaining that! I didn't realise that the actual point was to 'shower' with gifts. Good grief then unless it is a total surprise for the mum-to-be or bride the whole point is grabbiness. "Please come to a party to shower me with presents"!! When did this sort of thing become socially acceptable?

Skiptonlass · 13/09/2015 08:42

Very grabby indeed, and there's something that makes me uneasy about doing it before the baby arrives. I'm expecting in a few weeks and have some serious complications which are potentially life threatening for the baby and me - the idea of celebrating before we are through this safe and sound disturbs me greatly.

I understand why it's done in the USA - there's no maternity leave so it's very expensive to have a baby with the loss of income and the medical bills. There it's more of a support thing but gifts are small

One U.S. Custom I hope we don't import!

sparechange · 13/09/2015 08:48

The 'tempting fate' comments are idiotic.
If you have a still birth, it is no easier or harder to come to terms with if you have or haven't had presents for the baby, and to suggest it is somehow the 'fault' of the mother that her baby died because she had a party is just downright offensive.

RiverTam · 13/09/2015 08:48

As far as I was aware, showers in the US are usually arranged by a friend of the mother-to-be and are just as much about a group of women of all ages getting together to share stories and experiences and food as getting something for the baby. All of which sounds very nice.

And can we stop with all the usual boring sneery snobby comments about American customs? It's so tiresome and predictable!

Prizeplum · 13/09/2015 08:56

Nothing idiotic at all sparechange. It's not a new thing, years ago you wouldn't even have the pram delivered from the shop until baby arrived. Nothing at all about it being the mothers fault for having a party. That comment is absolutely ridiculous and more offensive than what you're suggesting. Wind your neck in and get a grip.

damselinthisdress · 13/09/2015 08:59

I don't mind baby showers and although if someone were ever to plan one for me (it is insanely grabby to plan your own!) I would prefer they didn't put a list out, I can see why some people do. I wouldn't want people wasting their money buying doubles.

Agree the price range is odd though, especially as it has such a high range! When I go to baby showers I don't want to spend more than £10.

BikeRunSki · 13/09/2015 09:02

Grabby in the extreme.

docmcstuffins1 · 13/09/2015 09:09

I'm not a fan of baby showers personally, but nothing agains anyone who want's or has one. I just wish when it was imported from the U.S. we'd change the name! I think it's the expecting gifts that is the bit that doesn't sit comfortably with many people, the actual idea of a pre-birth gathering of family and friends for a chat and cake is lovely. My friend had one and called it a 'bump party' she asked everyone to bring some nibbles or cakes, but no presents! It was lovely. We all bought her a present after the baby was instead.

TendonQueen · 13/09/2015 09:20

The whole point of a shower is that it is a way of giving baby things to a soon-to-be mum. I've always been under that impression and it's been confirmed by meditrina and a bit of Googling. It seems to have taken off in America in the post war years as a way of helping people out when poverty was common (though also as part of the growth of consumerism). What it is is a custom that's quite recently been imported, so a lot of folk find it strange and a bit forward. It might help to think of it as just a rearrangement of the gift giving to before the baby arrives rather than after, though I know some people aren't comfortable with that, and also you may have to buy a less specific gift than you would like. But you could buy at the same financial level IYSWIM. Although I guess the difficulty comes if people are still expected to do gifts when the baby arrives, doubling everything up..

BrieAndChilli · 13/09/2015 09:27

We have had baby showers in my small circle of friends. Was for our 2nd or 3rd babies
Wasn't a big deal, about 5-6 of us go round to someone's house , have a takeaway curry and wine and play a few silly games. No gift list but we all take a small present - baby outfit or the such.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 13/09/2015 09:31

Hate them with a passion and decline any invites I receive. They are tacky and grabby, done with the sole aim of making others buy what the baby needs.

If they were just about a get together before the first baby arrives then they wouldn't be a shower but a meal out with friends or a dinner party at home.

newbian · 13/09/2015 10:02

Thanks RiverTam I'm American and lived in the UK for a decade. Very annoying that there are always silly anti-American comments as if British life is perfection on Earth! If OP doesn't want to go to a baby shower fine but no need to slag off a nation of 300+ million in the process.

sparechange · 13/09/2015 10:19

Sorry, prizeplum (what an apt name), are you actually suggesting there is a link between getting baby things before the birth, and 'tempting fate'? And that's why people used to wait (which I don't think is true because my grandmother told me about having to chase her cats out of the crib and pram before the babies arrived)

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