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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Don't know if I want a child....

78 replies

splitheart · 27/04/2015 20:45

Hi everyone. I'm new here and really hoping you can share your thoughts and experiences with me.
I am 31, happily married, work full time and really don't know if I want children or not. It is on my mind CONSTANTLY. My OH has said it is up to me and maybe try to stop thinking about and just see how I feel but I can's just not think about it. So many of my friends are pregnant or trying and it's also on my mind that I'm not getting any younger.

FOR - making a family with my OH, fun at Christmases etc, having that special bond, not being left out if everyone else has children.

AGAINST - not having time to myself, having to share my OH, worry about the childs health, how they're doing at school etc (there are SO many worries), cost, coping with still working, being tired all the time, all the additional jobs - cleaning more, cooking more often etc, it changing my relationship with OH for the worst, not liking the child, having to have other peoples children round for playdates, needing to take them to football practice etc rather than a lazy morning on the sofa.

I know that many of my reasons will come across as selfish but I am being honest as I really am struggling with this. If I don't have a child, will I regret it in 10-15 years time. If I do, might I still regret it?.....

All thoughts and experiences welcome. Thank you.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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yummymango · 27/04/2015 21:03

I was 36 when I had my first, and although I felt ready I was still worried about all of those things. There is no point in me saying they are not real because they are - all your 'againsts' are describing my life! However, I would not change a thing, my daughter is worth all of that and more. I am glad I waited until later though as I didn't want to resent my decision but honestly I don't even look back and wish I had what I had before as the positives more than outweigh the negatives. Maybe wait a couple of years and see how you feel? There's no need to rush into anything at 31.

Original poster

splitheart · 27/04/2015 21:07

Thank you yummymango. What made you decide that you were going to try and get pregnant then? Do you have any trouble conceiving? Do you think you want another child? Another one my worries is that if I wait too long for the first then the clock is ticking for a second - as if I did go for it then I would hope for two.

OP posts:

backsoon · 27/04/2015 21:08

Would you feel differently if your DH could make the balance of for/against different? i.e. could he commit to staying at home or going part-time when your child is young and taking responsibility for day-to-day things like play dates?
You have described my life too :-) but I am very happy, and don't regret it ever. I had my first at 40, and whilst risky to leave it so late, you do have time, don't feel rushed.

Original poster

splitheart · 27/04/2015 21:19

Thank you backsoon. It's nice to hear others say that they didn't know automatically if they wanted children or not - even my doc said that it was odd that I wasn't thinking about pregnancy (as I was getting my pill prescription!) My OH (I don't know what DH is?! ;) ) has said that I could reduce my hours a bit at work which we could afford to do and I know that he would be great with helping out with things. We have had numerous discussions about it and he too sees both the pluses and negatives. It's such a MASSIVE decision. We deliberated for year (no joke) about whether we could commit to a cat (we got one) but obviously a baby is a life changer.

OP posts:

Whatabout · 27/04/2015 21:23

To be honest I don't think I ever felt ready or the right time. I had a close friend who had a miscarriage and I thought I really shoukd just go for it.

Original poster

splitheart · 27/04/2015 21:26

Hi Whatabout. And was it the right decision? One of my close friends said she saw a colleague struggle to get pregnant and that pushed her into trying but to me that feels like the wrong reason to do it....

OP posts:

Whatabout · 27/04/2015 21:28

Yep. I needed the nudge to get over the cliff. I found I was paralysed by indecision and just couldn't decide what was for the best. We thought it would take ages but j fell immediately. I'm now pregnant with DS2 due in September. Wouldn't change a thing.

Original poster

splitheart · 27/04/2015 21:35

You're description is exactly how I feel - paralysed! Glad to hear you made the right decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

splitheart · 27/04/2015 21:36

Oops - *your.

OP posts:

Focusfocus · 27/04/2015 21:43

I have met many who had a child by accident or, went with the flow without really thing about it. But I am yet to meet someone who has regretted having a child.

Much of what you say could be said about having or not having a partner.

PRO - single space, freedom to go whenever wherever, not having to have fights, tears. No in laws to ever deal with. End less bathroom time.

CONS - opposite of pretty much all of that. Worrying about them, the risks of break ups, the risk of loving someone and risking being left for someone else.

But we make choices. Take risks. Yes, you need to be really sure of your choice, and whatever you choose would be valid.

Whatabout · 27/04/2015 21:45

A baby is a life changer, but so is a lottery win. Changing your life doesn't necessarily mean for the worse and you will still be you. It's intense and tiring and bewildering at first, but you learn and suddenly your two year old is telling you he loves you and drawing circles and playing happily in the garden whilst you are on Facebook and its magic.

girliefriend · 27/04/2015 21:49

I think having a child is something you will not ever regret whereas not having one may come with some regrets.

Having a child is tough however the pros still outweigh the cons imo.

Whatabout · 27/04/2015 21:50

And being childless can be fulfilling and wonderful too, I'm certain. being a parent isn't everything and whatever you choose you will have a satisfying but different life.

acatcalledjohn · 27/04/2015 22:04

I am 29 and don't want children. The only thing playing on my mind is how society views me in light of that decision and as a result part of me has this niggling voice in the back of my head repeating that having a child is what I ought to do in order to fit in to society.

But I cannot imagine myself pregnant or with a child. Hell, I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant (not excited about it at all) and about to pop, but the hospital refused to give me a CS. So I refused to give birth and discharged myself.

Very odd but also very much how I feel IRL.

At the end of the day you should do what feels right. Like many have said, you have time. Whatever you do, don't let anyone force you to make a decision. It's all about you, and all in good time.

iniquity · 27/04/2015 22:57

I find my son easier to look after than my OH. I still get to lounge about on the sofa at weekends ( but maybe I'm a lazy parent!)

ColdCottage · 27/04/2015 23:02

I had your thoughts and more (have posted a reply to a similar question before) and although I'm only 12 months in to motherhood at it has been hard at times I've been surprised at how interesting and fun it has also been - more than I expected and on a daily basis. I was 31 when I decided to stop the pill and 32 when DS arrived.

Just follow your gut, wait a while and if you are just a little unsure and scared, take the leap. If you are terrified then speak to someone as well as your DH and review

24hourM0MMY · 27/04/2015 23:58

Hi OP, just wanted to say that the phrase "the things that are worth having are the hardest you have to work for" comes to mind reading your post. Having children is the hardest thing you might ever do, but the rewards are so many and the joy is so intense that regret is, imo, impossible. There are things you will never know or feel until you become a parent. Yes, all of those cons you have written are true. It's bloody hard work, and you give up a lot, but you gain back tenfold. This has been my experience, as i had my first at 35 and prior to that had a very carefree life. What puts a smile on my face is looking back and feeling glad i did so many fun things in my younger years, things that were all about me. So maybe you could leave it a couple of years, live it up a little and give it some thought a little later. You have lots of time.

tobysmum77 · 28/04/2015 06:41

I remember feeling as you do. I am now 37 and have 2dc. Truthfully do I ever wonder what my life would have been like without dc? Yes. Is relationship with dh different? Yes. All this it will be wonderful when they come along well yes in some ways not others as you clean crud off the dining room table for the third time that day.

Your DH isn't really being that helpful or supportive either. In one way he's obviously right as its your body. But it will change his life too (well unless he's going to be one of those who 'works long hours' and leaves it up to you). How much of an equal parent is he intending to be? How does he imagine family life?

tobysmum77 · 28/04/2015 06:42

And yes you do have lots of time. Personally though if I was going to have dc I preferred to have them a bit younger...... which factored in the timing (I had my first at 31)

2boys2girls · 28/04/2015 07:02

Honestly I think if you have for/against list then you shouldn't have

seriouslynonames · 28/04/2015 09:05

i remember feeling this way at around the same age.
i had often thought I might not have kids (so many worries, as you say!), but I knew my OH wanted them (although he was in no way pushy about it).
i agree with 24hourmommy - live it up a little over the next year or two, do some of the things you have always wanted to do, and then see how you feel. you have a bit of time, not loads, but enough. I know a few couples who have always known they don't want children and I do sometimes envy their lives, but i don't regret our decision to have kids at all. I don't think we ever made the most of pre-children years - so just have some fun for a bit, do some exciting stuff, and give yourself some time to come back to this decision later

Skiptonlass · 28/04/2015 09:18

You do have time ! I've never been dead set against having kids but I certainly didn't want one when I was 31! Everyone is different, and whatever your choice, it is valid.

If you don't have kids, that's fine, and if you do, that's fine too. Screw how society judges you - it's your choice.

What changed my mind, although I didn't realise it at the time I think, was a new partner and getting to a point in my life where I had a bit more career stability. Once I was with my dh I realised that my reluctance before was a lot to do with feeling that I wasn't safe in my job and my partner wasn't supportive enough. Now in my mid thirties and expecting my first... And really looking forward to it!

I think your oh is right. Stop thinking of it as a 'now' decision. Take the pressure off yourself. And make sure whatever choice you make is for the two of you, regardless of what society thinks you 'should' be doing

Skiptonlass · 28/04/2015 09:21

And the pp who said to go and live it up is dead right. I think one if the reasons I'm happy to launch into family life now is that I feel I've done some of the things I wanted to do ( travelling and living abroad etc, education)

scarednoob · 28/04/2015 09:25

i was exactly like this. i wanted children but i wanted my life to stay as it was. so i put the decision on hold for a bit. now i'm 37, i am beyond thrilled to be pregnant. but it could easily have gone the other way.

there is no right or wrong answer. all you can do is to think why you would do it and why you wouldn't, and see which is more compelling for you.

Choccyhobnob · 28/04/2015 09:38

I felt exactly like this until I was 27 then somehow magically at 28 I totally changed like someone had flipped a switch! 30 in June and 20 weeks pregnant so it took a year of trying but it's funny how you can just change (or not - not everyone has kids and that's fine!)

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