Don't know if I want a child....

[splitheart]

Hi everyone. I'm new here and really hoping you can share your thoughts and experiences with me.
I am 31, happily married, work full time and really don't know if I want children or not. It is on my mind CONSTANTLY. My OH has said it is up to me and maybe try to stop thinking about and just see how I feel but I can's just not think about it. So many of my friends are pregnant or trying and it's also on my mind that I'm not getting any younger.

FOR - making a family with my OH, fun at Christmases etc, having that special bond, not being left out if everyone else has children.

AGAINST - not having time to myself, having to share my OH, worry about the childs health, how they're doing at school etc (there are SO many worries), cost, coping with still working, being tired all the time, all the additional jobs - cleaning more, cooking more often etc, it changing my relationship with OH for the worst, not liking the child, having to have other peoples children round for playdates, needing to take them to football practice etc rather than a lazy morning on the sofa.

I know that many of my reasons will come across as selfish but I am being honest as I really am struggling with this. If I don't have a child, will I regret it in 10-15 years time. If I do, might I still regret it?.....

All thoughts and experiences welcome. Thank you.

I never wanted children and I'm glad every day I haven't had them. The sight of close friends I love as new mothers removed any doubt. Their universal exhaustion, their grinding tedium, their damaged bodies, weakened health and worn-out brains were all a nasty shock - to them more than me.

The new mothers I knew looked awful and felt worse. This period lasted until the kids started school - five years per child is a very long time to be knackered, broke, in dirty clothes and bored rigid.

The other thing that made me grateful I'd dodged the baby bullet was hearing friends being honest about how fulfilling they found their children. Most people said that they were happy having had children, but no happier than they'd been beforehand. A few said they loved their kids madly and their lives were complete. One woman regretted her choice (a disaster for both her children).

There's a huge pressure on women to say that kids are great - bear that in mind when you canvass so-called unbiased opinion.

this may be a silly question and i don't mean to sound rude, but - why would you be a mumsnet member and commenting on a pregnancy thread if you don't have kids? it would never have occurred to me to look at mumsnet in a million years until i got a BFP!

I had a lot of similar doubts as you OP. DH was really ready to try so I went off BC in April after I'd turned 30. I didn't get pregnant until the following February, my cycle was all over the place and it took much longer than we'd thought. In the interim I saw friends have kids and realized I was ready for it. So by the time the little one comes this November it will be more than 18 months from when I decided.

I don't mean to scare you but I guess I'd just say, you have no idea how long it will take. I know an OB and she's sent three kids to private school helping women who left it to their late 30s/40s get pregnant. I have a 36 year old friend who's being poked and prodded and placed on an ovarian reserve diet. Don't assume you'll be knocked up the minute you stop BC.

Scarednoob- I've always wondered that too! It just does seem a bit rude to ask but before I had ds mn was simply nowhere near my radar!

I have always wanted kids. But for a long time it was in a sort of abstract, one-day-we-will kind of way. We were plodding along generally having a fantastic time, both in jobs we loved, going out a lot etc. It's not like children were missing from our life or something we were desperate for. We watched a family member really struggle through years of infertility and that was the "push" we needed I suppose. There just came a point where we said if we want them, we simply wouldn't have the time to do all of that. We were very lucky in that we got pregnant quite quickly when I was 33, ds was born when I was 34 and he's now 16 months and I'm 29 weeks with number 2.

Having a child has been an enormous life change. I've given up work to be a SAHM and pretty much all of your "cons" list is true to some extent. I don't recognise the picture softandgentle describes though. Ds is the best thing that has ever happened to us. By miles. Dp and I have a different relationship to a degree but much of it is positive. I've met loads of new friends.

Only you know how it will effect your finances and this is (usually, twins and disability being among the exceptions) one of the more predictable aspects. I think that people can live totally fufilled and happy lives with and without children but it must be devastating to want them and not to be able to have them.

You're whole outlook in life changes once you have your child. You'll wonder why you had all these negative thoughts in the first place. Mother nature does something incredible it's called unconditional love.

I don't think I could have chosen to go for it first time round. Luckily my first was a happy accident and took all that worry away. I wish I'd had her a couple of years before, she changed my life in so many ways. For me she gave me a sense of being and worth that had been lacking all my life.

But that is personal to me and I know not all women feel that way.

Now having second who was planned and feeling more anxious because I've had too much thinking time!

I think you should go with the flow for a few more years and stop thinking about it if you are not sure. Have another think about it when you are a couple of years older (still got some time before you have to worry).

Splitheart I suppose I changed my mind over years and by 35 (after lots of partying and having fun) I knew I would regret not having the chance to have a child. And although it is a life changer, mine is mostly for the better. I'm proud of what I've achieved whilst still being able to do most of the things I did before. Still go out for meals, pub for drinks, meet friends at weekends etc just in a tamer version than before, which is actually great cos it's nice not to waste weekends being hungover and feeling rubbish! I also work full time and although my life is crazy busy that's how it works for me. And I'm actually pregnant now with number 2 at 39!
I would like to add that not all new mummies have 'damaged bodies', look like shit from lack of sleep and wear dirty clothes! From day 1 I was determined that I would always leave the house looking presentable and with makeup done and hair washed/done and it wasn't too much of a problem.
Life as a parent is what you make it. But I would have been very sad to have missed out on this. Like others have said, enjoy yourself, spend a couple of years enjoying your marriage and see you how you feel. Good luck whatever you decide.

I felt the same as you and spent the next few years having the best time - lots of holidays, nights out, cocktails etc. Now at 37 it seems a natural time for that kind of lifestyle to taper off - I can still holiday and enjoy a cocktail in the future but the lure of all night partying has lost it's appeal somewhat. Especially as almost all my friends have children - there's a different social life now. I am pregnant now and very happy - I still have all the same worries though, doesn't everyone!

I'd stop over thinking, give it a few years and see where you end up.

I am joining this thread, because I myself don't even know if I want a baby right now.

I been through so much to be with my husband. From my Chinese mother disapproval, to she disown me once I married him. ,
No, we didn't do anything sinful. I'm 30, husband is 29. We both are grown Adults. Single/Unmarried and No Kids. This is first marraige for both of us.
Morally we can be together. The only sin is because I'm Chinese and he is Black. His skin colo ris why my Chinse mother dislike him.

Well we married now and we are happy. Noen of us have any regrets, he said he is happy in our marriage and he wants to stay married. And uh... he have BABY FEVER!

I think he have baby fever even before we married. When he talked about marriage; everytime he see neighbors little kids running around playing in the playground, he always asked me when am I going to give him a son, when am I going to give him a baby.

We married for 3 months now and he still excited about want to have a baby. He knows my cycle, this month I was late and he was so happy, lol
He already kisses my stomach. He told me when I’m pregnant, he will kiss my stomach Everyday for 9 Months until the baby born.

I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, still in stomach not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday.
And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten. We have the talk about this before, and he said it himself that he will spoil his kids.

I don't know what to do with this husband of mine anymore, but for sure I am NOT ready to get pregnant this year.
I went through hell and back to with him, I do want some more time alone with him before we bring in a baby.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It is really good to hear what you all have to say. I did come off BC after turning 30, mainly to see if it made me feel any differently about having children as I'd been on the pill for 13 years with no break. It took 9 months before having a period. So if it took that long to get my cycle back I do think what it if takes a while to conceive....

It's odd as when I was younger until about 22 I always said I wanted my first at 25 and second at 30 but then I grew up and realised that life is busy and stressful and the time I do have to myself is precious but then I think if I didn't have children and missed out on the process of making another being and having all those experiences, then I would live with regret.

My OH is great and I know that he would be very 'hands on' so that is not a worry of mine. In fact, I think he would deal with the changes better than me. I also have no yearning to live the fast life, I'm quite happy having a night on the sofa with a hbo series and seeing friends at their houses or on nights out - so that wouldn't be a big change. I admire those parents that do take their kids to swim class, dance class, language class etc but I really can't see myself doing that and rushing around continually. I think there are days when children should just play and the parent(s) can take it easier.

Hmmmm, guess I'm still in limbo.

You sound like I did. When I was with my exH, we both agreed we never wanted children. When we split, I was 35 and some chance comment from someone (not said to me) made me start to worry in case I changed my mind but was too old...

Anyway, fast forward 2-3 years, with new DH and all lovely, including becoming a stepmum, and we were finding every time we went out for dinner, we ended up having The Conversation, in which I did all the pros and cons just like you! In the end, one night I just got fed up of dithering, and we decided not to actually try per se but to not prevent (NTNP is the acronym in case you need it!). I just really didn't want to get to 60 and regret not trying (as so many PPs have said).

So it turns out it didn't take me long and I'm now nearly 30 weeks pregnant! Still nervous about the forthcoming lifestyle change but increasingly feel like I'm ready for it. I'm glad I waited till I was 39 and have got lots of things out of my system (travel, decadence, laziness etc) and it helped me to realise that life always changes anyway, and you can't control it - family ill health, redundancy etc... so why not make a change that most people don't seem to regret. I am aware of some parents who have (just like a PP above does) but it seems rare. And it is also up to you how embroiled in parenthood you became and how much of yourself you tie up in being a mother, to some extent.

However, I reckon you've got plenty of time. I just KNEW when I couldn't dither around anymore! Good luck!

I also thought to myself (rightly or wrongly) you don't really hear people who regret having a child however hard it is, but you do often hear about people who regret not having them!

It is a bit taboo to admit that you regret having children and as pp have said there's a lot of societal pressure. I was married for several years before having DS and often got asked by rude people why I hadn't had kids yet.
It's definitely not the right decision for everyone but for me, having my child has, so far, been overwhelmingly positive. I love having a toddler - don't find it tedious at all and aside from a small CS scar my body and brain are the same as pre-pregnancy. I never wear dirty clothes. The first year was tiring but that has passed now DS is 2. I'm not saying that other people don't feel the way softandgentle describes, I'm sure some do but having kids is a very individual decision so generalisations, positive or negative, aren't very meaningful.
I wasn't sure if I wanted kids in my 20s but by early 30s I'd changed my mind and was certain it was what I wanted before I got pregnant. I would say if you aren't sure, don't do it and carry on enjoying your life as it is.

D'you know what? I don't think you ever feel 100% ready. I was never broody or particularly interested in having children. DH and I made the decision to have a crack at it because I think that I would have regretted not doing it more than having a stab at parenthood. I am nearly 26 weeks pregnant now and STILL have moments of 'oh, fuck, what have we done?'.
I think that's perfectly normal and quite healthy to be honest, because it means that you're not naive about the massive impact that having a child will have on your life. I think that the people who get the biggest culture shock are the ones who have unrealistic expectations of parenthood.

I'm nearly 37 and this is my first. My midwife said that the majority of first-time mothers she sees these days are in their mid/late 30s. You have PLENTY of time to decide! I remember having the conversation with my DH when I'd just turned 30 and we were both firmly in the "NOT YET!" camp.

Essentially though, as someone said above, it doesn't matter what you decide!

Oh, and we had no problems conceiving- happened in 6 weeks- and thus far have had a very straightforward, unproblematic pregnancy. Not even any morning sickness! We are only planning on having one child though, that was always the plan taking into account what we could afford financially, etc.

I sat when I turned 30 & said similar,
Don't reallllly want kids & now Mother Nature has made the decision for me so that is that !

Turned 31 the following January & I was 7 months pregnant.

Complete accident but I can hand on heart say it's the best thing that's ever happened to me & I'm so glad it did as my little one is just past 2 now & so many things have happened already I wouldn't even have known I was missing out on!

I'm a single working Mum,
I'm quite often frazzled/ tired
I'm always skint

But

I'm laughing most of the time,
I have a new best pal,
I now know what unconditional love is!

Have just read softandgentle's post and have to say I don't recognise that description of a new mum with any of my friends. Sure it can be hard but they've always been happy, clean, positive and back to work with brain intact!

You ladies really are great! Making me feel a lot better hearing that a lot of you were not really sure and skeppers you have made me giggle with your comment about 'giving parenthood a stab'!! and also good to hear from those of you that are pregnant saying you are excited but also a bit scared at what is to come. I think it is so important that people are honest with their experiences. I do think I would regret not doing this thing that most people say is amazing and i am intrigued by what he/she would be like if I did have a child......maybe just not right now... and circle continues!!

RubyMay - you didn't know you were pregnant until 7 months?! What a shock and thank you for your honesty. You must struggle if you work and have to pay for childcare by yourself. Do you get any time for you?

Aw no sorry if that read wrong !
I meant I sat on my birthday thinking that's it I'm 30 now I'm never having kids & by my next birthday I was 7 months pregnant so what a difference a year can make !

Aw no sorry if that read wrong !
I meant I sat on my birthday thinking that's it I'm 30 now I'm never having kids & by my next birthday I was 7 months pregnant so what a difference a year can make !

Also I'm no more skint than I was before I just spend my money on childcare & things for my girl rather than on booze fuelled weekends etc

I know how you feel. I'm 36 and pregnant with my first, having spent last few years not knowing either way, and weighing up all the pros and cons. It might be worth talking to a dr and seeing whether you can get pregnant, if you have a family history that might affect you, but aside from that I agree with others here that you do have years to, if possible, try and not think about it actively, just let it mull in your mind. I think spending more time with your friends as they have children will be useful experience! Another thing that helped for me was consciously doing some things and going on a few cool holidays so that I'm not now wandering about thinking... well I never got to go to Venice just us, stuff like that...:-)

Good luck and try not to worry too much, in my experience it's very common to feel just like you do.

Not rtft but just scanned. One wee point - people won't generally go around saying they regret their children but there are people who feel like that.

There was a really honest thread on here recently and it might be worth a read.

The thing is that thre is no going back, giving it a go means you've committed forever. Sorry to be a moany Minnie.

I've never met anyone who regretted having a child and I really cannot imagine how anyone could. I think to have just one child doesn't change your life hugely for very long. My one parent family friends seemed to have relatively quickly got a quite civilised life back. I've got 3 and that is much more hectic because you're pulled in all directions as they get older. I had an only child until my first was 8 (and DD2 was born) and I found one child very easy - although it obviously depends on your child. I found that by the time she was school age, it was a doddle. I couldn't imagine a life without at least one child. I think it is so much more fun than life would have been but people do live their lives without children and not regret it. However, I do know a 2 people who definitely didn't want children and then accidentally fell pregnant (followed by a big panic). They both now say how lucky they were it happened and how they now can't imagine why they didn't want children.

Thanks castahoy. I have just found that thread - very scary about what people were saying.

My husband has suggested that; since we cannot make up our minds, that we try to get pregnant and 'see how we feel'. If it scares us to death then we could terminate......

You're joking right?

I've always wanted children but more than that I've always felt that having a family adds so much to life. I wouldn't want to be old and have no kids or grandkids. The thought if my friends dying and finding my support network shrink is the worst. For me, life is about who you share it with, plain and simple.
And I think change is good. Things staying the same is much more scary for me.
I also believe that life doesn't stop when you have children. You can still have fun, work, go out, travel. It's an attitude thing. Of course the balance changes as you don't put yourself first anymore, but you gain so much in return.
Having said all that, for me, wanting children was so natural that I can't imagine approaching it as a list of pros and cons! When / if they come, instinct will take over from rationale, and if you expect to be able to draw ip lists maybe you're not ready. You will be worse off financially, more tired etc etc, but you will have lots more fun and lots more love in your life. That's not quantifiable. That's what life's about...