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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Don't know if I want a child....

78 replies

splitheart · 27/04/2015 20:45

Hi everyone. I'm new here and really hoping you can share your thoughts and experiences with me.
I am 31, happily married, work full time and really don't know if I want children or not. It is on my mind CONSTANTLY. My OH has said it is up to me and maybe try to stop thinking about and just see how I feel but I can's just not think about it. So many of my friends are pregnant or trying and it's also on my mind that I'm not getting any younger.

FOR - making a family with my OH, fun at Christmases etc, having that special bond, not being left out if everyone else has children.

AGAINST - not having time to myself, having to share my OH, worry about the childs health, how they're doing at school etc (there are SO many worries), cost, coping with still working, being tired all the time, all the additional jobs - cleaning more, cooking more often etc, it changing my relationship with OH for the worst, not liking the child, having to have other peoples children round for playdates, needing to take them to football practice etc rather than a lazy morning on the sofa.

I know that many of my reasons will come across as selfish but I am being honest as I really am struggling with this. If I don't have a child, will I regret it in 10-15 years time. If I do, might I still regret it?.....

All thoughts and experiences welcome. Thank you.

OP posts:

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ch1134 · 02/05/2015 17:33

Oh my word OP, I just noticed your last post. I've never read anything so selfish or disgusting. Do not have children. You don't deserve them and such a selfish pair would make terrible parents.

Corygal · 02/05/2015 17:45

OP, I don't think you and your DH are at the right stage to think about having children. Really, no.

leanne963 · 02/05/2015 18:26

OP i really don't think getting pregnant then waiting to see how you feel then you can terminate is really the right attitude. What if you have terrible morning sickness (like a lot of women) is that gonna make you wave a white flag and go have a termination. Also i don't think you realise how much of a difficult decision having a termination is, it isn't just something that is done on a whim.

I would definitely wait, i don't think you really want to be a mum. I am 28, 37 weeks pregnant and i am over the moon. The only 'Con' i have is lack of sleep. The 'Pros' are limitless to me......

WillowB · 02/05/2015 18:30

You are thinking about getting pregnant and then having a termination. That is sick. You don't deserve a baby

Original poster

splitheart · 02/05/2015 18:55

Well, I knew that my last post would be taken badly by some people. I don't feel that if I were to get pregnant and then terminate that it would be a selfish act. The opposite in fact, I'm wanting to be sure that if I was to bring a life into this world that I would be ready to fully commit to it and do everything to ensure it had a good quality of life. Unlike some others who get pregnant by accident and then do a bad job of parenting - I stress some people; not all who fall pregnant by mistake. Also, personally I don't feel that having a termination early all on is bad, it's just a collection of cells and thousands of women everyday do it. I would much prefer an embryo be destroyed rather than an unwanted child being born.

For those saying it is sick/wrong I can see your point but this is probably because you are mothers and relate a termination to your own children so feel very emotional about it. I am in fact a very loving and caring person and I take big decisions very carefully.

OP posts:

WillowB · 02/05/2015 19:12

No, you are actually being very flippant about creating a life and I would actually find your attitude abhorrent whether I were a mother or not. I think you need counselling if you really think this is the course of action a rational person would take. Or even better, take the decision not to have children and leave it at that.

Original poster

splitheart · 02/05/2015 19:19

That depends on your view of what a 'life' is. At the stage of an early termination I don't consider it life. I am not being flippant at all. As I said in my initial post, I have been thinking for a long time.

OP posts:

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/05/2015 19:28

This may be a silly question and i don't mean to sound rude, but - why would you be a mumsnet member and commenting on a pregnancy thread if you don't have kids? it would never have occurred to me to look at mumsnet in a million years until i got a BFP!

I've been on MN for 6 years and I've only recently got my BFP. There's plenty of talk on MN that's not baby/child related.

gamerchick · 02/05/2015 19:31

Man your attitude sucks.

Out of interest, if you struggle to get pregnant and need medical intervention to get there would you take it as a sign to not bother and the choice has been taken out of your hands or would you go for it, spend all that money and then decide to abort if you can't handle the puking or the pissing around the clock as well as the bone crunching tiredness. Or would you wait till the scan or when you feel it move before deciding?

What you're thinking is a dangerous game to play and could wreck your relationship altogether.

You sound too immature to start creating life.. Both of you. Please don't bother for your own sake.

Psycobabble · 02/05/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

splitheart · 02/05/2015 19:48

Psycobabble.
C - I call troll ???? You're implying I'm saying this just to get a response. I am not.

gamerchick - Can I just point out that this is just a thought atm. But if I did struggle to get pregnant, yes I would take it as a sign that I wasn't meant to have children and I wouldn't seek medical help. If I was pregnant, then I would want to see if I felt that surge of excitement/love that women talk about. Some women say that as soon as they know they have a life inside them that suddenly it is the best thing ever, even though they weren't bothered about children before.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 02/05/2015 19:58

My last pregnancy was not planned... I was absolutely GUTTED .. Even went into a huff at the first scan because t was there. Wouldn't prepare and couldn't walk down the baby bit in the supermarket till 36 weeks. I hated the kicking and wished more than once that I had had a termination.

When he was born I was instantly besotted with him... Had a coat wire gob for days.

Your way will not work and if you decide to abort and your bloke is not on board or visa versa then it will damage your relationship.dont count on a rush of something when you get that BFP it doesn't work like that.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/05/2015 20:10

Some women say that as soon as they know they have a life inside them that suddenly it is the best thing ever, even though they weren't bothered about children before.

Some women don't though. I'm carrying a desperately wanted baby and I feel like crap. I know it'll be completely worth it but if this was a baby I was unsure about, the feeling like crap wouldn't be so easy to deal with.

Original poster

splitheart · 02/05/2015 20:14

Thanks gamerchick. I take your point about it being problematic and myself and husband having different opinions. Like I said, I feel desperately torn and this was just one thing that was mentioned when we were discussing it.

So if you were gutted, why didn't you terminate? But then you say that you were besotted and it is that experience that I am scared of missing out on if I make the decision rationally due to all the negatives already discussed.

OP posts:

Plateofcrumbs · 02/05/2015 20:15

Well splitheart I was partially terrified I'd made a crazy mistake up until the moment I clapped eyes on DS so I don't think your plan is entirely foolproof (never mind morally questionable).

Having kids just isn't something you can decide to do by making a pros and cons list and seeing which list is longer.

Above all else it's about creating another human being that you are likely to love more than you thought possible and whose importance will loom over everything else in your life.

It was a massive leap of faith for me, but I utterly love it. I've found it like opening a door and discovering a whole new world of emotions and experiences - some good, some bad, but so far none I am not happy to have experienced (even if, in the case of the bad stuff, just to feel proud to have survived!).

I think for me I think it helped we left it quite late and I had pretty much done with the frivolous lifestyle - getting hopelessly drunk on a Friday night and sleeping off a hangover all day Saturday, gallivanting round on exotic holidays and so on. Not that I wouldn't mind a big piss up or a fancy holiday now (was just wistfully looking at old holiday snaps today), just that I was a bit unfulfilled by those things and hadn't realised that it was a baby-shaped hole that needed to be filled.

The thing that DH and I always aid which was the ultimately clincher was that, however hard it was to imagine ourselves now with a baby, we couldn't imagine ourselves at 60 or 70 without a family.

I still feel like 'me' only with an extra dimension that is being a mother.

Catsahoy · 02/05/2015 20:24

Hmmmm, OP, I would never normally say yes or no to someone on such a personal issue but from your last few posts......no, just please no.

Pregnancy might be wonderful, baby might be a frigging nightmare.
Pregnancy might be terrible then you will terminate a planned pregnancy....it's not a plate of food at a restaurant, you cant just order it then send it back.

If this is something you're considering then it screams "not ready".

Psycobabble · 02/05/2015 20:25

Sorry yes I did think that I see my post has been deleted though! It just seemed a bit of a harsh thing to say I literally don't know anyone who would ever do that I mean aside from anything else that could really mess you up doing something like that a termination is not something people take lightly
Also as I and others have said you may not suddenly become any clearer minded just because your pregnant if anything it would probably even harder to make a decision !

Original poster

splitheart · 02/05/2015 20:39

Yes, you're all right. It's a stupid idea. I think I'm driving myself crazy and just trying to think of ways to get myself out of my circle of not knowing. It's apparent I am not ready and may never be to be a parent and I won't do anything stupid. I'm sorry if I offended anyone but thank you to those of you who offered useful/non judgemental comments.

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 02/05/2015 20:44

You aren't ready op. Seriously go back to enjoying your nice life and revisit in a couple of years. You are still so young, enjoy it and your husband.

gamerchick · 02/05/2015 20:46

Thank god. Don't do it to yourself man.. Hormones suck at the best of times without doing that to yourself.

Brandysnapper · 02/05/2015 20:53

I was a lot like you OP (bar the scary views on abortion) and am very glad I made up my mind to jump in. OTOH if I remained child free I'm sure I would not miss them, though obviously I don't know.
I did not feel maternal during pg#1, but fell in love in the maternity ward and haven't looked back. What I came on to say was, for me I waited till I felt as sure as I could it was right, but that feeling never reached 100%. I feel I waited a bit too long (mid 30s) because although dc1 came along easily enough, dc2 took years and heartbreak to finally arrive. You are still young enough to give yourselves some time, just don't wait forever.

Psycobabble · 02/05/2015 21:15

It's ok to not be sure ! Carry on enjoying a good life with your dh try not to obsess over it as that won't help you at all and maybe over time it'll become a little more clear

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/05/2015 21:37

I wasn't sure at 31, broodiness hit me at 33, I'll be 34 when the baby comes

Roseybee10 · 02/05/2015 22:22

I think I knew I was ready when I still had all those fears and worries and things I wanted to 'do first' but my desire to be a mum and hold my child in my arms outweighed all of that and it just didn't matter anymore.
X

Catsahoy · 03/05/2015 08:36

good decision. Leave it now. Best thing to do is shelf it totally for a year or two. Life live, enjoy yourself then maybe after that reconsider. Best of luck.

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