Visitors after birth

[WinkyWinkola]

Is it unreasonable not to want visitors immediatly after the birth of your baby, even if say you're in hospital for three or four days after a C-section?

I had a C-section with my first child and the in-laws piled down straightaway. I felt very weak and grey and not able to cope even in hospital. Various visitors followed in the next few weeks expecting tea, cake, etc.

This time around (due date April 2007) I'm aware I may have to have a C-section again and even if I don't, would prefer not to have visitors for at least three or four days after the birth. I'd also like to be at home and not hospital to receive them.

Is this unreasonable?

Not unreasonable at all. I didn't have any visitors in the hospital (although was only in for a day and a half, not counting the day I was in labour! - ds born at 0157). I don't think I would have wanted visitors if I had been in for longer, though, it's difficult to entertain them on the ward, particularly when everyone is trying to get some sleep whatever the time of day. And if you're not up to a stroll round the garden or whatever (are you even allowed to leave the unit with a newborn?) it's quite tiresome.

I didn't have too many visitors who descended expecting cups of tea to be made, but I did have a few (mothers all, bloody cheek) but whenever next time comes, there's no way I'll be tolerating that. It'll be "the kitchen's that way, and if you could load the dishwasher while you're in there, that'd be grand".

Not at all.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want some time alone with your immediate family and not want to see the extended family or friends for 3 or 4 days. You need time to recover and adjust to the new member.

Assume it will be DH calling everyone to announce the birth? I would get him to make it clear then that you'll probably be ready to see people after x days - that's if you don't want to make it clear beforehand.

Everyone should understand you need some time to rest.

Hope it goes well.

Perfectly reasonable - get your dh to tell people if they want to visit it's for a set time only - no long stays or over nights.

At the hospital get the staff to tell people to leave for you.

I had my second baby at home so I could hide in my bedroom if I didn't want to see visitors. This was completely different to being in hospital when I had four lots of visitors all at once one rainy sunday afternoon when they obviously didn't have anything better to do. You're certainly not unreasonable not wanting to see to many people.

I only allowed my parents to visit in hospital, inlaws were no allowed Would have been very upset if anyone uninvited had just turned up. It's such a messy time - blood leaking everywhere, trying to establish breast feeding etc

God, yes - had forgotten that. I had to tell my BIL he couldn't visit even though he had come specially from a long distance (was staying with MIL) because I was desperately struggling with bf. On the other hand, dh isn't at all close with his family so he didn't care whether BIL ever saw ds - FIL never has.

tell them hospital policy says birth partners and baby's siblings only. actually its horrific if you are on a ward and 20 of the next persons closest friends and rellies turn up with balloons and toddlers.

debrett's says good manners dictate that visitors to new mothers should stay no longer than 20 minutes and decline even the offer of a cup of tea. i think you can make an exception if they take toddler out to play in the park or bring cooked meals for you all. and do your washing.

I had a c/s too and wouldn't allow anyone to visit me in hospital, felt far too sh!t, didn't want to be seen trailing a cathater (sp?) all over the shop, boobs out 90% of the time etc. We then had a day or two alone at home before accepting visitors when dd was a week old. No-one minded (or said they didn't anyway) It was very civilised when they did turn up we all had champagne and went out for lunch at the pub, I felt much healthier and more confident with b/f etc

Agree with MM about other people's visitors as well, they kept poking through my curtains, leaning on my stuff, blocking access to one side of my bed so I couldn't shuffle round and get my bags etc etc, awful.

Both sets of our parents turned up at the hospital and I found it too much, i was trying to breastfeed for the first time and i had mu MIL's face two cms from my breast to see if she was latching on ok!! I've never so much as bared an ounce of flesh in front of her before and suddenly i had an audience including my FIL looking at my naked tits!!!

I really wished people would remember how those first weeks are - i think their memory fades dramatically as they say stupid things like 'i was back in my size 10's at a family party straight after having you dear' when realistically they probably mean a few months as opposed to 'straight after'!!

I really want to be more firm with this next one as i got quite weepy with my first due to the amount of people handling my child as opposed to me, i felt we didn't bond as quickly as she was always being passed around to everyone when really i wanted to just hold her all thetime by myself but didn't speak up...

Completely reasonable. In particular (and I know this isn't the case with all babies) because some new borns sleep alot in the first few days. This is your chance to recover not entertain! I didn't have that many visitors after the birth and I didn't have a C-section, but although it was lovely to see people I found I spent alot of time with a strained smile on my face thinking "my stitches really hurt I wish I could just go and have a bath". I think the only people you want around after giving birth are people who you feel completely comfortable with and who can wait on you hand and foot.

I've also had 2 CS's, last one 2 weeks ago.

I warned people well in advance that their would be no visiting in hospital and to phone if they wanted to visit at home in the first 4 weeks. I have a sign on the door requesting no visitors that I hang up every afternoon, primarily so that we can all get some sleep. DH is a bit twitchy about it as at least 2 sets of visitors have turned up and gone home becasue of the sign. However, 2 weeks of lack of sleep have changed his outlook slightly

You have to be tough and make the rules, cos no-one else will be thinking of your needs.

Visitors were a total nightmare after DD1 was born. Got home on the Sunday after lunch and out-laws kept turning up. FIL came round about 9-30pm All the following week they kept coming round it ruined the arrival of DD1.

Worried so much about the same thing happening when DD2 was born (27th June 06) that I made it clear that no-one was to visit the day we came home and the following days-no-one to stay longer than 1 hour and never visit at night. Worked very well thank goodness.

Good Luck!

xxx

I've had 2 babies, one 4 months ago and pregnant again already!!! (Planned) so I'm interested in this thread cos I got soooo tired with entertaining from day 1 when all I wanted to do was make sure my 4 year old was ok with his new brother.

I won't be making that mistake again, as I was in and out of hospital in less than 24 hours after having my son and an operation 10 days later due to placenta remaining...again just one day in hospital, but still felt obliged to have guests the next day (already had been planned...op was emergency).

This time round with no. 3, I'm gonna be selfish and take my time! A newborn still looks newborn at 2 weeks old if you need that long! The problem I had was that it was all my husband's rellies, I have a small family...so not the people you choose to slob around! Don't put any pressure on yourself...good luck!

Honestly what are people like?! I can't believe that vistors just pitch up without even letting you know, it's the height of rudeness. I'm 7 months pregnant and want to attempt(!) to start getting the baby into some kind of rountine during the first month so vistors will only be allowed once my dh and I feel ready. Honestly just don't answer the door/phone and email everyone to once you've had the baby to say, yes baby has been born, this is what he/she looks like, we will call YOU.

I found it hard as I didn?t really see my mum and dad and my sister as "visitors" - it was a a relief and pleasure to have them pop round. I didn?t need to worry about how I looked and they would automatically make me a cuppa and pop my washing on! However, DH thought that it was unfair - if they could visit, so could all of his rels and friends. How could he tell hs mum to stay away if my mum had been there every day for a week?!! Forget the heavy smoking, lazy expecting to be waited on hand and foot, full of unhelpful parenting advice that sounds like criticism... AAAAGGH
Be as firm as you can, get your DH to take control of the visiting rota and don?t feel guilty

FIL & his wife were in town the weekend I was going into hospital to be induced. He announced he'd call in the hospital on the Sunday afternoon then "cos you'll have had it by then". Er, suddenly a doctor are we? When DH told him not to come, he took a huff. As it turns out I didn't have DS until 1:05pm on the Sunday afternoon and the hospital wouldn't allow any visitors pn the Sunday (apart from DH) to give me time to recover.

The following Sunday FIL pays us a visit. DS is a week old, I'm breastfeeding & not getting a lot of sleep. DH has had to take our gorgeous pet ratties to an animal sanctuary because we hadn't got teh time to look afetr them properly and I was really upset. FIL turns up early while DH is still at the sanctuary. With him is is wife and his two elderly, infirm parents. AND A BUCKET FOT THEM TO PEE IN COS THEY CAN'T MAKE IT UP OUR STAIRS!!!!
FIL wonders why I'm so upset, asks me if I'm putting the kettle on - and then starts getting out sandwiches & cake they've brought with them, dropping crumbs & everything all over the floor. Grandad goes for a pee in the bucket and brings it back into the front room shouting "What do I do with this Tony?" waking baby.
A strained hour or so later and they make to leave. Ds is asleep. FIL's wife drags his blankets off saying "I want to see his feet. I love babies' feet" waking him up again.
I was MURDEROUS!

WinkyWinkola, yoú#re DEFINITELY not being unreasonable! I only wish I had known this before having my first! And with a second I will delay more than a few days!

winky i know what you mean i had an em c/s first time round and i was in hosp for 7days as i was also quite ill with blood loss. All dp parents,aunts,cousins and friends all piled in every afternoon and eve so that i wasn't on my own(i was only 17 so i think they felt sorry for me), but i was so knackered couldn't move for the first 2 days and i had it all again when i got home. When i was pregnant 2nd time round i told dp parents that i only wanted to see them at hosp and my sister, i had a normal delivery with no problems and i got to bond with the baby without everyone picking her up and when i got home i had visitors making arrangements to come and see the new baby rahter than them all standing round the hospital bed. You are not being unreasonable at all!

I felt bloody awful after the birth of my ds - we did n't phone family straight away, but gave it a few hours before even letting them know. Despite dh telling my Mum that I was n't well and please could she could just pop in on her own - she turned up with my Dad and sister. I was still in the delivery room as the ward was full - there was still lots of equipment in the room, bloody sheets in the corner and people having babies in the rooms around me. To be fair, they made their visit really brief, but Dad's face was a picture! I don't know what he expected, but seeing as he was n't at my birth, my sister's or brother's, he was fairly shocked. He was n't even in the hospital when I was born!!! He only saw my Mum after she'd been cleaned up, brushed her hair and put some lipstick on!

Next time we'll give ourselves even longer before we phone the families and plan it so that they can't make it in visiting hours the same day. Also not going to let my FIL, his wife, and dh's Granny visit for at least a couple of weeks. Last time they came the following week, they sat on their arses, expected refreshement and just stared at the baby.

Be as selfish as you like...only allow visitors that cook, clean and iron!!

People are a nightmare aren't they? I 'm reading this thread with much interest. I'm due in 9 weeks with DS2. Except for the logistics of getting ILs to bring DS1 to hospital(but not be there when my two little boys meet(Got to figure that one out!), I intend to keep everyone except my immediate family(ie DH,DS1 and 2) away for at least a little while especially if I lose the amount of blood I did last time.

When I was still in labour, my naive DH phoned his family on Saturday morning to say the baby would be with us soon ILs were coming up on the Sunday anyway, because I was being induced at 4pm on Saturday. Double
Anyway thwy turned up at hospital while I still had hours left to go and paced around getting impatient. After DS1 arrived I had a whole half an hour before they piled in the DELIVERY SUITE with my BIL and SIL. They then stayed until I was brought up to ward hours later and finally left at about 10pm (DS1 was born at 3:30pm) At one point I was helped onto a chair next to the bed I'd popped DS1 out on and it was then I saw the ammount of blood on the floor.Not something I feel anyone (espech BIL and SIL who are childless as yet and I've prob put them off for life and frankly both rather immature)needed to see. I struggled for the next two days to be allowed anytime with my DH and couldn't even have a quiet word to ask him to just stay on his own or lose his parents for even an hour.I was fuming, but too tired and ill to speak my mind. This time(DS1 logistic issue aside) I AM going to get some time to ourselves and noone is coming into my delivery suite except DH,DS2 and me!!!!

In defence of my gormless DH I think hw eas in shock at arrival of DS1 and he recently expressed to some friends how wrong it was to allow us such a little ammount of time
after birth. WHether he'll manage to control his (lovely, but totally oblivious) mum will be interesting. I feel I might have to do some Preg Control Freak stuff. Still it's my body and my flipping labour so I'll be a bossy minx if ness. Rant over!

So NO it's not unreasonable to ask for some time alone IMO.

Not unreasonable AT ALL. It's your baby and your special time. You arrange things exactly the way you want them.
I personally don't enjoy passing my new baby around like a parcel (and I have 5).
When I had my first I had loads of visitors and thinking about it afterwards made me feel really angry because they stole those precious first few days.
Just make sure that your dh has the resolve to enforce your 'rules'.

Not unreasonable AT ALL. It's your baby and your special time. You arrange things exactly the way you want them.
I personally don't enjoy passing my new baby around like a parcel (and I have 5).
When I had my first I had loads of visitors and thinking about it afterwards made me feel really angry because they stole those precious first few days.
Just make sure that your dh has the resolve to enforce your 'rules'.

Oops! Getting impatient with my slow computer..

Im due in 3 weeks time and dreading it! I have a very active 16 month old and wondering how im going to cope in the 1st few weeks as i'm remembering what the constant stream of visitors was like. I had baby at 5.20pm by 7pm my mum and dad were there(didn't mind), by 7.30pm I had MIL, FIL and BIL! I was still in delivery suite with equiptment still laying around and blood on the floor and barely cleaned up myself as they was v. busy.
About 9.30pm they all left in 1 direction chattering about newborn whilst i was sent up to ward all on my own with not a clue to do with this new thing, not even my dh allowed as they was outof visiting hours!

Next day i had 6 vistiors in 2 hours and was struggling to establish bf. I was sent home at 6pm to have my brother and gf waitng to see us, them my mum and dad and mil and fil later!
In the few days that followed i had everyone from family to neighbours to MIL work collegues! consequently i never really got into bf as i always felt guily for "taking him away".

This time will be really different- yes close family can visit, but only the ones that will help me, others can wait and will come and go on my say so as i will have enough on my plate trying not to let my first born feel left out and to establish bf properly- ladies get strong! MIL are mothers themselves...they should no better.