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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Visitors after birth

87 replies

WinkyWinkola · 19/10/2006 11:38

Is it unreasonable not to want visitors immediatly after the birth of your baby, even if say you're in hospital for three or four days after a C-section?

I had a C-section with my first child and the in-laws piled down straightaway. I felt very weak and grey and not able to cope even in hospital. Various visitors followed in the next few weeks expecting tea, cake, etc.

This time around (due date April 2007) I'm aware I may have to have a C-section again and even if I don't, would prefer not to have visitors for at least three or four days after the birth. I'd also like to be at home and not hospital to receive them.

Is this unreasonable?

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bababoo · 23/10/2006 09:14

the best bit of advice our midwife gave us at antenatal classes was to tell everyone that the baby needs 4 days minimum to establish who mum and dad are through touch and smell, without being confused by other people, perfumes etc. She said if it was true or not was irrelevant but that we'd really enjoy not having visitors and she was so right!!Make a do not disturb sign for the door and has already been said, the baby will stillbe a baby in two weeks time.

bababoo · 23/10/2006 09:17

rae76 just read your post. Get your dp to tell them, tell them what my midwife told me, anything tio make sure your special time isn't intruded on if you dont wan t it to be. so long as you explain that you donyt mean any offence but that you want to have spavce then they have no right to get upset.it will be your spevcial time and you, dp and of course baby are the only ones who matter.

tallulah · 23/10/2006 18:03

franca70 no MIL is far from sweet! She thinks it's perfectly reasonable to visit at 7.30 pm on the day we come out of hospital and sit there for 3 hours. To phone constantly throughout the first day home asking pointless questions like "how do you spell his/ her name". To sit muttering phrases like "who'd ever hurt them" when you've been up for 6 nights on the trot with them screaming, or the classic "liar" when DH said that although DD was crying she was actually asleep. Oh and to arrive desperate to grab the new baby and totally ignore the 2, 4 and 5 year old siblings "hello nanny" in her haste to get to the pram . "Her grandchild" I think is the crux of the problem- she forgets the grand bit....

MadamePlatypus · 23/10/2006 20:52

rae76, just tell them the truth! It is your first baby, you don't know how you will feel or whether you will be up to visitors - your DH will phone when you are ready to see them. If they are offended by this that is their problem. OK they want to see the baby, but if you had just had your appendix out (trying to think of not too serious operation, apologies if this is not a good example) they would respect your need to recuperate afterwards.

diddle · 23/10/2006 21:01

nope not unreasonable at all, this is the one time you can really truly think of yourself.

micromummy · 23/10/2006 21:15

Luckily both DH and my parents had parents themselves who were banging on the door one hour after return home (and my Mum had arrested in labour and nearly died so really didn't feel like visitors!). Our parents came down a few days late to stay and while yes, we did look after them things were under control enough to cook them a meal by then... I really thank my MIL for this restraint as ds1 was a first and really wanted grandson and they were very keen to see him asap but didn't push at all ...( she has breast cancer so grandchildren v.emotive issue). Some of the posts have been pretty down on pushy inlaws so thanks again to my lovely inlaws
... maybe we're all a bit too reluctant to ask for what we want in the sea of post-birth knackeredness etc ?

franca70 · 23/10/2006 21:31

oh, talullah, I'm sorry, as I said, I didn't know her.... gosh she sounds inconsiderate! and actually that she ignored her older grandchildren, grandparents should be even more affectionate to the older ones when a baby arrives.

ELF1981 · 24/10/2006 06:54

I knew I was having a c-section, and was due in hospital on the 6th for the op. My mum was in hospital (a different one) having an operation herself on the 5th. I was gutted, knew mum would be in hospital for at least three days and therefore would not be able to see her first grandchild straight away.
I knew she was upset, and what would have killed her off would be my aunt visiting and then ALWAYS having the upper hand over my mum (she's that kind of person) and constantly referring to the fact she saw/held my DD first.
So I kept my section quiet. We told my two sisters the date and obv my mum and dad knew. My sisters were there on the day of the section, with DH but they did not stay long afterwards and gave me space. We didn't tell anybody else in the family that DD had been born. In-laws knew, and visited that night she was born / day after, which I found difficult as I was all puking everywhere etc. And MIL nosily eating an apple while I was unable to eat / on a drip / feeling like shite was not helpful.
Anyway, my mum was due to check out of hospital on the 7th so I planned not to tell the rest of the family til then, and plead that I'd not been feeling well or up to visitors to announce earlier. Unfortunately a passing comment made by a nurse at my mums hospital in front of my Aunt gave the game away. They didn't visit until the 8th (mum had been up the night before) but they descended on mass, I was b.feeding for the first time DD had shown any interest in latching on, in they walked, all gawping at my huge bazooker boobs, disturbed DD by stroking her on the head (so she stopped feeding) and then I got an hour long lecture about how I was selfish, how I should have ignored my mum, told my Aunt and Grandma so they could have been there on the day. How I made my young cousin cry when my Aunt told her I wasn't allowing her to visit. I cried all bloody afternoon.
I think it will be something that will get referred to in future arguments, but I maintain my ground. I'd had a baby, it was up to me and DH how we chose to announce that / allow people to visit etc etc.
It's up to the mother and father who they let visit and when, but be prepared for people not understanding.

coolblue · 16/02/2007 17:29

My In Laws decided to descend on us not even 24 hours after my daughter was born. I was not impressed, in all my mother in law, father inlaw, grandmother in law, two brother's in law and there girlfriends turned up, and then my MIL had the cheek to pass my daughter around to who she felt like without even asking me ! She never took a photo of me and my hubby with my daughter and couldn't even ask me how I was feeling. I'd had an extremley hard labour and was totally exhausted. My hubby was annoyed to, but wouldn't say anything, even now I still get angry when I think of it and it spoils happy memories I had. If I have another child I will make sure I tell them the hospital is off limits for everyone, except my hubby & daughter.

pinkranger · 16/02/2007 17:43

not un - reasonable at all, i had some famly come to visit me at the hospital the day after, on the sunday i was aloud home , we was living with my in laws at the time ( i get on with them better then my parents) which was fine but then my sister in law and partner turned up and stayed for 5 hours just holding ds, i lost alot of blood , felt very tired, etc etc and they were all there sitting drinking and chatting , just wanted to be with DS and dh , am 13 weeks now and have stated that NO vistors until i invite them!!!!!

WestCountryLass · 16/02/2007 22:43

DH rang everyone when I was in labour and the inlaws turned up an hour after DD was born. It seemed fine at the time but DH went back to work after 2 days and we had very little time together.

I have already told him not to phone anyone until I am ready this time. I would relaly like if if we could have one day on our own.

eidsvold · 17/02/2007 03:24

i guess it is each to their own. I felt better having visitors in the hospital - as visiting times were limited at the hospital in Aus ( 11 - 1 and then 3 - 8pm)and you can stay in bed and rest if you like - post c-section ( or that is how I felt) BUT when I got home with new babe ( dh did not have any time off - so i had newborn and 2yo with special needs to care for) things were different.

some visitors piled in to visit stayed for hours, expected me to be the tea lady etc. Very hard. By contrast a dear dear friend of mine arrived with afternoon tea for her two, my dd1 and both of us, popped the kettle on sorted out the children ( her kids are fab) and then let me have a shower and get sorted was very welcome.

I found my visitors to the hopsital were very considerate. They did not stay for very long, they were respectful of others on the ward etc.

Having said that - each time I have only had one side of the family to worry about. IN the UK when I had dd1 - it was the in laws and they waited for days as I had had an emergency c-section and dd1 was in ICU. Here in Aus - my family as in laws are in the UK.

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