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Visitors after birth

87 replies

WinkyWinkola · 19/10/2006 11:38

Is it unreasonable not to want visitors immediatly after the birth of your baby, even if say you're in hospital for three or four days after a C-section?

I had a C-section with my first child and the in-laws piled down straightaway. I felt very weak and grey and not able to cope even in hospital. Various visitors followed in the next few weeks expecting tea, cake, etc.

This time around (due date April 2007) I'm aware I may have to have a C-section again and even if I don't, would prefer not to have visitors for at least three or four days after the birth. I'd also like to be at home and not hospital to receive them.

Is this unreasonable?

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franca70 · 20/10/2006 11:32

not unreasonable at all. it's your choice and can't believe that visitors expect to be waited on by someone who's just given birth!
However, when I had my second child here in England (we aren't english, so not many friends unfortunately and no family here) it felt really depressing not having anyone coming to see me and meet my new baby in hospital and later at home. I'd have loved to share my happyness with the my loved ones.

ZacharyZoo · 20/10/2006 12:27

Definitely put your foot down, and have the time for you and the baby. My MIL turned up, outside the delivery suite demanding to see us! Then my DH's ex turned up with his DS who wanted to see his new brother. So i am laid there after an epidural, attached to a drip and a catheter, with my MIL, Step Son and DH's ex partner all nattering away and cooing at the baby! Never again!

naughtymummy · 20/10/2006 12:37

Agree totally with whats been said already. Just had no 2 and had DH's rellies all weekend (DD was born 0040 12/10 ) JUst recovering now. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT IN 1st 24 hrs. Next time i would extend it to at least 2 or 3 days. I make exception for my wonderful mum and dad i wanted mum there asap. But in laws no way forget it. Good Luck

sallyrosie · 20/10/2006 12:38

NOOO it isn't unreasonable.
I refused to see anyone other than close family for days after my DS was born cos I just wasn't up to it.
If they don't understand - tough. After giving birth I think you deserve to have things the way you want for a while.

And if they come and visit without being asked I suggest you put on a dressing gown and sit in bed, making it blindingly obvious that you won't be making tea OR cake

Bigmerlin · 20/10/2006 13:30

I'm still emotionally scarred by this issue actually. I had a C-section, and despite me telling my mum in advance that I would not be up to seeing her until the next day, she arrived on the postnatal ward while I was still in recovery. So she had actually spent more time with my newborn than I had by the time I came out of recovery. Added to that, she had her partner with her, and there was no way I was trying bf in front of him. By the time we were alone and I tried it, hours and hours had gone past. It took weeks to get going properly. Looking back, I have absolutely no idea why we didn't just ask them to go, and I will always regret those "lost" first few hours. I have put on my birth plan this time round that if I have another C-section, staff are not to allow visitors access to the baby before I'm back. (And have given dh permission to be as rude as he wants to his ILs!)

So do what is best for you, dh and your new baby, and sod everyone else!

Rumpel · 20/10/2006 13:31

My DH was warned well in advance no one was to be called until after the birth, no one was to visit me in hospital (my parents were with us) and everyone was told well in advance not to visit unless they had called to 'make an appointment'. Just as well as it took myself and LO a while to recover from birth and ages to establish BF. Don't let anyone pressure you - the 2 people who matter most at the time are yourself and your baby - good luck!

castlesintheair · 20/10/2006 14:02

With DS I had visitors crammed round my bed until about 10pm on the night of his birth, whilst I was merrily vomitting away. The next 2 days are a complete blur of people filling my room from dawn 'til dusk. I do remember having to ask my DM & step-father to leave after EIGHT hours. Felt especially uncomfortable as he was taking a particular interest in my b-feeding. Then when we got home it was one visit after another all expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I suppose it's flattering, but ...

With DD I insisted NO VISITORS except my DH, MIL (who was looking after DS) and DS. I had such a lovely rest, sleeping whenever she did, I felt great when I got home. However, as much as I would recommend doing what I did 2nd time round, be prepared for fall out esp if you have family like mine. My DM got on the bush telegraph telling everyone there was something seriously wrong with DD - she was fine. So I had to let them come for HALF AN HOUR only just to shut her up and put a stop to all the concerned phonecalls from my family. I also had to put up with oggling step-father again

Currently 32 weeks pg with no.3 and it will be same as last time but step-father can stay at home!!

Ilovemyboy · 20/10/2006 14:05

My DS1 is due in 5 weeks.

I live in London and all my family live in Manchester. Usually whenever family visit they stay on an airbed on my living room floor (I live in a 2 bed flat - one bed is DS's nursery). I told my mum that whenever anyone visits after the birth then it can't be for long and they will have to stay in a hotel or something. She went bloody mad!

'Oh you expect people to pay £80 to stay in a Travelodge blah blah blah'.

WTF am I supposed to do? Put everyone up for a couple of days after I have just given birth? She said we live too far away for them to just come for a couple of hours so if they come down they will be down for the day and I just can't be arsed already so I don't know how I'll feel after I've given birth.

I am scared that those precious 2 weeks after the birth that DP has off work to spend with us as a family will be spoiled by either family demanding too much of our time or making us feel guilty for not letting them stay for the day or overnight.

I'm so glad his family live on the other side of the planet. LOL!

MKG · 20/10/2006 14:45

I loved having visitors. Everyone that came was usefull. My inlaws came to keep me company while dh went to do somethings. Friends came with gifts. That was in the hospital. When I got home it was great because my oldest friend popped by with food almost everyday. It was nice to have people want to take care of us. Friends from church brought enough food for a week. Everyone that came was helpful and understanding. They were also smart enough to come in the afternoon so I could have the morning to recover from a long night.

tribpot · 20/10/2006 14:52

Ilovemyboy - sounds like you might be better off asking them to stay away for the first two weeks (can it make them any more annoyed, after all?!) We had ds in with us to start off with, so I guess you might be able to put people up in the nursery room? Not that much more convenient than the living room really though. Perhaps sweetly point out to your mum that it will help her get a better night's sleep if she stays in the Travelodge as she won't be up for all the night feeds when you'll need to get comfy in the living room to give your dp a break (if breastfeeding, or him giving you a break if not).

madmarchscare · 20/10/2006 15:12

The lovely m/w made me a sign to put on my door to warn people off, which was great until they didnt bring my lunch because of it.

I did feel terribly guilty (and still do sometimes) afterwards though when I found out they had turned my elderly grandparents away after they had made a special journey (they didnt tell anyone they were coming), so I would make sure that you let people know well in advance.

Tommy · 20/10/2006 15:17

all very tricky isn't it?

when my nephew was born, my brother tried really hard to limit the visitors and so on but my Mum got really stroppy and told him she would come and visit her grandson whenever she wanted thank you very much

(typical of my Mum I'm afraid)

I felt it was all a bit out of my control tbh.

Want this one at home so hopefully won't have to tell them for at least a few hours after giving birth so they won't be able to come round too quickly!

TheBlonde · 20/10/2006 15:22

Ilovemyboy - tell your family you will be nesting for the first 2 weeks and they'll just have to wait

dollyjack · 20/10/2006 15:24

Iklboo I don't know how you managed NOT to kill them all! But really It's got to be said that surely this is the one time in your life when you can call the shots . Tell em to bugger off and then blame it on the hormones later if it puts any noses out of joint. I think some of these so called well wishers need to learn some manners and understand your needs. We spend so much time thinking about our birth needs maybe we need to be just as tough and demanding afterwards. Mind you once you are knackered after the delivery you are easy prey. I have a friend who is telling everyone her due date is in fact 2 weeks after her REAL due date. This stops folk asking when a. her baby is due and b. means that in laws/parents etc aren't waiting by the phone for the news of the birth and hot footing it down to the hospital.

dollyjack · 20/10/2006 15:28

Ilovemyboy I've just read your post and think it's perfectly resonable to ask parents to stay in a hotel just after you've given birth. If they don't like it they should help you buy a bigger house with more bedrooms!

MKG · 20/10/2006 16:06

I think allowing people to stay depends on their intentions. My mil lives in Mexico with most of my dh's family. Whenever her dils and dds have babies whether vaginal or c-section she stays with them for 3 months. She makes sure that cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of other kids is done that way the new baby and mom can bond and mom can rest. She can't travel to the USA and feels so guilty that two of my sil and I have had babies in the past year and she can't come to help us.

Ilovemyboy · 20/10/2006 16:55

Thanks for replying to my moan ladies.

I have spoken with my very understanding dad about this. He agrees that my mum is being and can be a pain in the bum so hopefully he will be the voice of reason when it comes to the crunch.

My sis is the same. My sis had saved holidays at work so she could come down and spend some time with me before the baby is born (like I know when he will exactly be born) and when DP goes back to work - without even asking me if she could come!! I know she means well but the thought of having to entertain someone in my house for days AND get to know and bond with my newborn seems somewhat taxing.

My sis is childless so I don't think she gets it. I've told her that I don't know whether I will feel like having anyone staying with me and I get the feeling she was peed off about it.

Oh well. You have to look after no 1 (and my new lil no 2) don't you!

Sorry for moaning again.

loopybear · 20/10/2006 16:56

I only had DH, parents at hospital for short visit. My best friend came after 10 days. I told everyone in advance they could only come for 2 hours and I would text them in the morning to say whether it was still ok. I limited visitors for the first 4 weeks and have kept them spaces out much to DH relieve we don't have visitors every weekend.

saltire · 20/10/2006 17:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, and i wish i had been firmer when DS1 was born.
My mum had been up for two weeks, but baby was late. I got out hospital on the Friday and she had to go on the Sturday. To be replaced by MIL! for a week! (it gets better). DH took off on the Sunday for five days - to the RAF/Tri service/ whatever, rugby cup final as he was playing. I asked him not to go and his reply was
"This is the most important thing that will ever happen to me! You will be fine, my mum will be here". I hated every minute of it. She wouldn't let me near DS, she kept lifting him, she took hm out before DH and i had even had a chance to take him out. She moaned constantly, expected me to do all the cooking etc.
Don't give in!

Ilovemyboy · 20/10/2006 17:28

Saltire - that sounds awful! I would have kicked her out. LOL!

tribpot · 20/10/2006 19:13

Ilovemyboy - I think you've got an opportunity here with your sis. First, say "god, are you sure you want to be here when I might go into labour?" and then describe all sorts of horrific labour stories, MN has quite a few of these to choose from (not really reading for a first-timer, I must admit). This may put her off the idea of being around when that's happening.

As you can't know til it happens when dp's two weeks off are going to be, can you ask her to hold off on any plans for after the baby's born? Then simply don't answer the phone

I should add, my 'must have' newborn essential is a phone with Do Not Disturb. This means certain key individuals (in my case my mum) could phone when they wanted, but everyone else was directed straight to answermachine. The other key essential is a hard disk recorder, should be obtained a few months in advance so you can fill it up with the good daft telly of your choice - which fills the dual purpose of making you feel better when you are feeling like death and means you don't have to move off the sofa when you have finally got baby off to sleep and are too scared to so much as scratch your ear.

I know we have been quite negative about visitors on this thread, and MKG has - quite rightly - been trying to redress the balance. I've said this before but I'm sure my mum could have made a mint as a post-natal doula. She is brilliant (having had quite a lot of practice, to be fair!). She never tries to take over things with the baby, does all the cooking and cleaning and dealing with visitors whilst you lie limply on the sofa, and best of all she takes baby out for a gloriously long walk in the afternoon, leaving you to have a few blissful moments of kip without having to listen out for baby. She's also very pro-breast feeding but completely non-judgemental if you are struggling / choose not to.

She rocks! Visitors like her are more than welcome

At the very least, I hope you can rope your sis into taking the baby out in the afternoons. In fact, mention that now and she might run a mile, as I think I would if asked to take sole responsibility for a baby prior to ds' birth.

littlepiggieneedssomesleep · 20/10/2006 19:57

I told people we wanted a few days on our own when i came home as dh was only off work for a week so wanted time just the 3 of us.
The only people that came to visit at hospital were my mum, dad, brother and sister, mil, fil, sil as we told everyome else to stay away.
I do wish that i had asked the inlaws to stay away until ds was about a week as ds was very tired from been passed around and stuggled to stay awake to breast feed, did not feed very well untill we had quiet at home.

Mercedes519 · 20/10/2006 21:30

We didn't have any visitors until ds was 3 weeks old. My dh was off work so once we were home we had a week at home and ventured out the following week. Relatives weren't best pleased but I don't regret it for a moment.

We had a really special time finding our feet as a family and spending time getting to know him. Even after then we rationed the visitors so we could have lots of quality time. I feel vindicated because as soon as we had family round ds got a cold and found it hard to feed which made life really difficult.

Winky, get your dh to take assertiveness lessons as my mum and sis wanted to come to the hospital but dh told them not to. I'm glad he did because the evening they were going to visit I spent the whole night crying with the baby blues. Wasn't up for visitors AT ALL.

Ilovemyboy, all the ILs live far away and while we have a spare room we said quite firmly that they would not be welcome to stay. Like you say - stick to your guns. This is YOUR special time, you make sure its perfect.

Mercedes519 · 20/10/2006 21:31

Oh and if they say you're being unreasonable - just quote my example to make them realise how lucky they are to see your LO in less than three weeks!

littlepiggieneedssomesleep · 20/10/2006 21:38

totally forgot about that, my sister came round when ds was about 6 weeks old full of a cold, i got it and so did ds, made it hard for him to bf, and i felt really ill as he was still feeding 2 hourly round the clock. My mum just said 'well he will get colds', but she ff us, so has no idea how hard those first few weeks are, or how tiring, i could not just go to bed and let dh do the night feeds for a few days.