Visitors after birth

[WinkyWinkola]

Is it unreasonable not to want visitors immediatly after the birth of your baby, even if say you're in hospital for three or four days after a C-section?

I had a C-section with my first child and the in-laws piled down straightaway. I felt very weak and grey and not able to cope even in hospital. Various visitors followed in the next few weeks expecting tea, cake, etc.

This time around (due date April 2007) I'm aware I may have to have a C-section again and even if I don't, would prefer not to have visitors for at least three or four days after the birth. I'd also like to be at home and not hospital to receive them.

Is this unreasonable?

I told people well in advance of giving birth that I'd be having no visitors for the 1st 2 weeks. The only people who saw me in hopsital other than DH was my mum and sister. The rest had to wait. Even after 2 weeks I still hated having visitors. Some people might love having everyone around, but I'm not one of them. Tell them now so they are clear from the outset

Maybe your dh could tell them how difficult you found it last time and promise to send a photo immediately.
Your m&d are one thing, but the ILs are quite another. Mine were incredibly gracious and said they would wait to be invited when we were ready. Only made them wait 2 weeks first time round, but with ds2 we visited them at 6 wks and mil cooked fantastic lunch.

Bless her - I do realise how lucky I am.

When I had ds1 I was in a dreadful state, C-section, infected wound, hardly able to move. I had visitors from almost immediately after the birth in a constant stream. The hospital at the time had this weird policy where visitors were allowed all day every day up till 9.30pm so it never stopped!
When I had ds2, dh wanted to avoid the same scenario and told everyone to stay away for a few days. BUT...
This time I felt much better, had a better surgeon, no infection was blithely walking around the ward with ds2 attached to my boob and would have loved some more visitors! There's no pleasing me!

No its not unresaonable and you've learnt from experience hat you will need your space to recover and get to know your baby after the birth.

I wish in hindsight I had been firmer.

After DS I was bombarded with people and felt terribly councious of having my boobs out etc; it just made the whole thing stressful.

After DD I told people I didn't want visiors for 2 weeks and yet my sister announced she was visiting after 7 days! She brought wth her her newish partner, plus my Dad, plus kids etc, so DH had to run round all day tidying the house and buying food to offer them (they had a two hour drive), rather than looking after us. It was stressful.

People visit you to fulfill their need.

My next baby is due in March and I think both you and I will have to be a lot firmer with people about visiting this time!!! Good luck

its not unreasonable at all when we had ds all the family came over even ones we hadnt seen for years but this time im not going to let it happen as well.
as ds is ASD everything will be caotic enough for him ie routine out the window for some days,a new person in the house that screams alot!!!
so it will be unfair on ds to have strangers in the house aswell.

when i had my bub anyone who arrived was expected to make their own tea and biccies and leave me alone!!! If anyone came at dinnertime they had to bring a homecooked meal or a takeaway. When my wonderful sister came to visit (lulumama) she did all my washing (about 9 loads), did my hair and makeup and looked after bubs with me in the night ... bliss and just what was needed. Also only allowed close family and friends - everyone else had to wait. Not unreasonable at all ... you will be shattered having had surgery ...
xxxx

When I had DS1 also by c-section my in-laws and all my DH's family came visiting right away every visiting slot - afternoon and evening (he has a very large family). At one point I even had his auntie, uncle and cousin in stroking my newborns face while I was breast feeding!! (curtains were closed but they just came on in). Baby was treated like an object being passed from person to person for a photo (with MIL asking "who wants a SHOT!!". By day four in hospital ds was throwing up all over the place and I still believe to this day it was all the handling.

Then to top it all off MIL invited six relatives through from Edinburgh to our new flat the day after we got home from hospital!! We had only moved in the week before ds was born and didn't even have a coffee table or anything. MIL said family wasn't coming to see our flat they were coming to see baby!!!

I was so upset with it all but didn't say anything or make a fuss just put up with it!

LESSON LEARNED!!

With DS2 (also section) I clearly stated weeks before birth that no visitors other than ds1 and DH on first day after birth then grandparents the following day then no-one until we had been home at least a week.

What a difference it made to our early days. You have every right to state who does and doesn't visit and when and especially when you already have a child who needs to get used to a new sibling and family unit.

I have just found out I am pg with no. 3 and will definitely be setting the same ground rules.

Don't be afraid to be really firm with everyone and if they take it badly then it's their problem. You won't get those precious 1st hours and days back again so I think it's well worth pissing a few people off about for the sake fo your sanity.

With dd1 we actually had a 'babymoon' period and didn't have any visitors at home for a week, except MIL at our invitation. I'd been in hospital for 6 weeks prior to her birth and couldnt wait to be back home with dh and our new baby. When we felt ready we started accepting visitors but it was all at our own pace and it was great.

With dd2 we had to have a few more people around as we had different carers for dd1, but dh was still very good and headed people off at the door when they turned up unannounced.

i feel differently to most posters, i had a c/s too and after three days alone in a place i was not comfortable i would have loved for some one to bring flowers or even to see a friendly face, i was in for 10 days and i got one visitor besides dh and left hospital feeling alone and deserted

It's your time and your baby, WInky. Tell DH to ban all visitors until you're ready. I did that, and thankfully nobody came to see me in the hospital, you need all the bonding time you can get, specially if the birth is a bit more of a shock than you might expect. Then it all went pear-shaped when I got home, an hour after, while I was still extremely knackered and struggling to bf, there goes the doorbell, and it's MIL, FIL, and BIL SURPRISE! They had driven 4 hours down from Middlesbrough. Oh BIL decided to drive down and we couldn't miss the opportunity. You selfish old bat I thought to myself. They were going to go back that night, but managed to get me to say it was fine for them to stay since they had come so far. Thankfully they stayed in a hotel, which I had to book on the internet for them, while DH, FIL an BIL went to the pub and MIL hogged DS. DH knew nothing about it and was all apologies, but I think he was secretly pleased to show off his new baby. Things have never been the same since with the in-laws, I just cringe whenever she offers 'helpful' advice and I dread when they come to stay now, even though they claim it's to help out, they're just a nuisance.
Listen to me, this is turning into an anti-in-law rant, sorry!
Remember, it's YOUR baby, and You have just given birth, so do what's best for you and sod em all.
Good luck x

Haven't read all of your thread, but visitors after the births of all three of mine nearly drove me insane. Cups of bl**dy tea every two minutes (near my precious baby), and endlessly trooping in and out with advice I didn't want. I so wish I'd controlled it all more.

It was awful. They were even hovering about outside the curtain whilst I was trying to master BF for the first time saying,'Hurry up, it's late. Just give her a bottle.'

Interesting thread - I don't think I would let my mum visit me in hospital and not my MIL, but then my MIL doesn't have any problem respecting boundaries. I would feel quite guilty only letting my side of the family see a new baby. BUT! when I say see the new baby I mean see the baby for an hour while I am asleep, not get anywhere near me while I am breast feeding. Quite shocked that so many of you have relatives who expect to be entertained by somebody who has just given birth - would they treat you the same if you had just had just been in hospital for an operation?

I think one of the issues is that the way mothers interact with their new babies post birth has changed quite a bit since many of us were born. If you are breast feeding you need to have time with your baby alone to get established - this is very different to how things were when I was born and bottle feeding was the norm and babies were kept in a baby room. I think it can be quite difficult for new grandparents to appreciate what a new breast feeding mother is going through. Even the ones who did breast feed are probably suffering from post-children-amnesia syndrome.

When I had dd1 my mum was the problem. It was an extremely long birth ending up with emergency ventouse and poor dd1 being rushed to NICU for ventilation as she had meconium aspiration, so I didn't even see her for over 6 hours after she was born. Dp and I were both in shock, and we obviously didn't let anyone know until we'd actually seen her - although even then the drs wouldn't say if she would be ok.
So I phoned my mum that evening to say dd1 had been born, but left a message as they were out. Then I was woken at 5am by the midwives to say they tried to wake me earlier but I was fast asleep, and my mother had been on the phone and was terribly upset
So I phoned and said no she and step-father could not visit until the next day. She then called dp at home and said I'd said it would be fine for them to visit and they'd arrive at x time . Obviously dp thought this was odd, but if its what I'd said...
So I'd just held dd1 for the first time 24 hrs after her birth and was attempting to start breast-feeding in a busy NICU ward when we got told our visitors were here. Admittedly they didn't stay long and said dd1 was beautiful etc., but my mother did manage to say I looked awful - what did she expect!

I just had dd2 5 days ago and it was much better - my mother looked after dd1 so she felt a bit involved, but still was rather upset that I went home after 6 hours to be with my family, rather than stay in and let her 'take dd1 off my hands'

I thought this said Visions after birth

I had a few of those

I have just read most of your replies and decided I must be a bit wierd because I love having visitors when I've just had a baby. Giving birth leaves me on a high and a bit hyper and I just want to show off my family .

For me, it's about a month later that I really want to shut everyone out and just stay home with the family and no visitors.

This time I found that lots of people didn't visit first because they thought the family would be (they weren't because we don't have a huge extended family) and they all wanted to see us about a month later, all at the same time .

I have just read most of your replies and decided I must be a bit wierd because I love having visitors when I've just had a baby. Giving birth leaves me on a high and a bit hyper and I just want to show off my family .

For me, it's about a month later that I really want to shut everyone out and just stay home with the family and no visitors.

This time I found that lots of people didn't visit first because they thought the family would be (they weren't because we don't have a huge extended family) and they all wanted to see us about a month later, all at the same time .

Oh no, not unreasonable at all. However, I wouldn't make your mind up before it all happens. I'd just see how you feel. You might feel lonely and want a few close friends to pop by. I remember I did at points. I got all visitors to arrange through DH first and most respected that. I didn't want anyone the first couple of days except close family and so nobody came. Towards the end, after I said yes to visitors, it did get a bit manic because I had had a C - section and my baby was also on the neonatal ward. I was trying to express milk for him and visit him a lot. Visitors would come in between and I'd actually feel like I had no rest at all. I was knackered. I remember a male friend just turned up out of the blue and I realised that I had a big wet patch on my nightie where milk had leaked all over the place . Second time around I felt much better and wanted lots of visitors.

cat64, you say "I can't see how you can say it's fine for one grandma to come, but not the other - seems a bit harsh to me"

My mum arrives, gets on with the washing, clears up the kitchen, asks if I'M alright and do I need anything. MIL arrives, grabs the baby, plonks herself down on the nearest chair and sits there for hours at a time cooing at the baby. If said baby is asleep when she arrives she actually keeps knocking the pram to wake it up

Can you see why I don't appreciate MIL visiting?

I think(or at least hope as the days gets nearer and the likelihood of my wishes being considered are low!) that this time I'll welcome having my MILs "help" as long as she focuses on firstborn,who she has idolised for the last three years. I need to have time to bond and get b/fing established and I do not want DS1 "pushed" out by the new little squishy one. She is very helpful, but I'm quite independant and really really want my family unit to be an established one.(but there's no bloody (pardon the pun) way they're coming anywhere near the delivery suite this time!)
I have the added complication that my mum died during my first pg and the time after the birth when she would be there(even if it was just on the end of the phone) are quite difficult for me.
I think the important thing is your DH/P knowing what you want (and also you knowing what he wants-it's his bub too although you've got the stiches/tear/sore boobs!) I think that may be where I had issues last time. DH had had only missed one nights sleep,hadn't been pg for ten months,given birth and had milk coming out of his nipples, so he was in party mode and invited all our neighbours around one evening "to wet the babies head",then all our friends,then some other friends,etc,etc,etc. I have to admit I ended up lying on our bed in the dark,tummy to tummy with my bewildered DS and only saw a few of my neighbours the rest of the "parties" are a blur.
You and your DH/DP/Birth partner/visitor co-ordinator need to have a chat way before due date and then inform those involved what you would like to happen post birth. If you do it early before people have booked hols( or worse still told their work collegues/neighbours/everyone at their golf club that they personally will be spending xxxxx ammount of time as your carer) then there're are less red faces/arguments(fingers crossed)

Good luck all.

I only wanted my parents and DH's parents for the visiting after birth. DH's friends completely ignored this and came anyway. All the grandparents went home because they felt in the way. Make sure you're clear with everyone. Tell them DH will tell them when to visit as you felt so bad the last time.

I had my Dd on the friday night and we were moving house on the saturday morning, so when i was laid up in a hospital bed my entire family were moving my house.

I couldnt wait for them to get up and see me, i loved showing off my babies!

And maybe im super woman or something but ive never understood the need to be sleeping in the day when you have a newborn. They arent that tiring!
(Waiting for the onslaught of exhausted mums!)

talullah, I don't know your MIL at all, and usually mothers understand our needs better, but she sounds quite sweet to me, by wanting to cuddle her grandson?

NOT AT ALL UNREASONABLE!!

Had heaps of visitors with DD1 and if I have another (I hope I do) there is no way I will do the same!! I think it is important for your DH to take the lead with this. Try and agree all this before the due date and get him to fully understand and be supportive. It is your special time, do it your way!!

I totally agree but don't know how I'm going to handle it. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and i know that both my mother in law and my husband's step-mum will be knocking down the door of the hospital. I went to visit MIL this weekend and she said that if I went into labour there that her and her husband would follow us to the hospital and if we took a long time would go and wait for us in our home! I really want my space when I give birth but don't know how to let them know without giving offence...any advice?