MIL meeting new baby and DM (long!)

[CaleyThistle]

I'm due to give birth over the next few weeks and I'm starting to get stressed about visitors - especially my partner's mother.
My own mum lives 9 hours away so will be staying with us for around a week once baby arrives. She's a retired nurse so will also be helping me / baby out with breastfeeding in that time.
My MIL lives an hour away. She doesn't drive but she's arranged with a friend to give her a lift to see baby. She won't stay over because she doesn't much like our house. Apparently the stairs are too steep and the kitchen isn't bright enough.
Fair enough, entitled to her opinion, (I'm still a bit grrr about her comments) but she announced today that she intends to travel back and forward over several days to spend time with baby, and to get to know my mum. We are not married, so they've never met and I see no reason why they particularly need to.
I really just want to limit visitors, especially in the first week, while DP and I get to know our new arrival.
Can I try and ask her not to visit until my DM has gone home, and we're slightly more settled into being new parents or do I just have to facilitate her visiting whenever she wants / can get a lift?
We are starting an extension to our kitchen in May, so I'll be moving in with her for at least 2 weeks when that's going on so it's not like I'm withholding baby from her, I just want to slob about my own home in my tatty pjs with leaky boobs, and unwashed hair and head off to try and sleep whenever I can without having to facilitate chit-chat between her and my mum!!

you can if you like, i felt quite pressurised into agreeing to visitors that first week - and in fact nearly crashed my car driving one of them back to the station after i'd had 72 hours without so much as a wink of sleep.

Yanbu - no one is entitled to visit your house whenever they like!
However, your mil may be feeling a little pushed out, and is making a clumsy attempt to establish connections.
Your mum gets to be in the inner sanctum after all, but she doesn't.
I understand entirely why you would feel far more at ease with your own mum btw - I think that's true for most of us, so I do sympathise with your plight regarding that.

It's a tricky one isn't it?

You may not be married but you have actually made a bigger commitment by having a child with your partner. While I understand its not ideal she is your partners mum. Get your partner to tell her she is more than welcome but will have to make her own cuppa and u and baby will be taking naps etc. I wasn't married when I had mine but I included the in laws as I did mine, they are grandparents too. Just to add my in laws make comments too but I think its called inlaw-itis

Surely as a nurse your mum has spent decades chatting to new people, is there a reason why you need to facilitate conversation?

I don't think it is fair your mum gets the first week exclusively with her new GC but your DP's mum gets told to stay out the way.

If you really want you and your DP bonding and getting into a routine then I suggest you don't have your mother to stay either. It'd be different if you had other DCs to look after but it is one baby and you and your DP.

Either that or have some compassion and realise, like it or not, this is your new baby's GM and allow her to be part of the first week. Maybe just a couple of visits and pre arranged times of course, so that you can shower if you don't want to be slobby in front of her. How does your DP feel about him playing gooseberry to you and your DM's first week of organising and getting to baby into a routine?

I think you need to play it by ear a bit and not be tied down to agreeing to visits. You don't know how you and baby are going to be, ie, if you're in hospital for a while, you may not be able to have many visitors.

Really, I think it's down to your partner to handle his mum and they should both respect your wishes. I agree it will be hard for your MIL not to get her share of baby cuddles if your mum is there, but that's kind of how it works when you're the mother or sons and at the end of the day, it's your baby, not her's. I think it would be fair enough for her to have one visit during week one, more if you're feeling relaxed and chilled about it, but you need time to get your strength back and sort feeding out in peace and it's natural that you should want your own mum there, she knows you best.

Do get your partner to handle MIL though. You don't want to fall into the trap of bring cast as meanie DIL denying grandchild access. He should be able to put your interests first and say "we would love to see more of you in a week or so mum". It's hard to get round the fact that MIL will want to be one of the first to see DC but she can't expect to keep turning up and taking root in your house if it's not what you want. I think grannies are the key people who get to show up for visits in week one, anyone else can do one until you're feeling up to visits in my view!

DP would love for us to have the first week completely to ourselves. As my mum has to travel so far, and really has to leave her place first thing to get to us for tea time, depending on when I go into labour, we might get the first day to ourselves at least.
It's maybe a generational thing but MIL wouldn't feel comfortable making her own cup of tea in someone else's house - even though she's been here before. I think she'd rather go without than feel she's 'intruding'.
If it was just the one afternoon, I'd be ok - it was her announcement today that she planned to travel up and back several times, and really wants to get to know my mum, that threw me.
DP is taking a month off work, so I'm sure we could visit HER at some point during that time.

This is like that thread the other day about MILs.

So she wants to spend time to get to meet her grandchild, is planning on making an effort to get to know your mum, isn't insisting on you ferrying her about/staying etc. and this is wrong of her?

She sounds terrible.

Is your DM insisting on being with you for that first week? Do you not feel able to tell her you are keen to respect your partner's desire to be hands on with your baby in the first few days and her help would be much appreciated once your DP returns to work?

Your new baby will have two grandmothers. Unless one of them is nasty/evil/vindictive/abusive, then it is mightily unfair to exclude one in preference for the other.

Your DP will be there to help fetch brews and the like. Your DP whose wishes you have disregarded by allowing your own mother to come and stay so soon when he would rather have a week alone as a new family. So you have run roughshod over his wishes and also wish to exclude his mother until it suits you.

What a lucky man.

I think it's lovely that she wants to make the effort. It would be very unfair to welcome your own DM with open arms but keep MiL at a distance.

Both mums or no mums seems the only fair way. Maybe your DH feels as ill at ease with your DM as you do with his.

I think itt's lovely that she wants to get to know your mother.

It sounds like she's feeling a bit pushed out. Despite not being married, your DM and your partners DM will always share a grandchild so I think it's nice that she wants to get to know your mum. When you have children it becomes more likely that they will meet- birthday parties, Christmas, special occasions, school plays etc etc. I can understand why a few days seems too much but I can also understand why she wants to be around, especially knowing that your DM will be there getting to know their grandchild for a week.

I don't think it would be reasonable to ask her to stay away until your mum leaves (although obviously you're not obliged to have anyone in your house if you don't want), but think you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask her not to come every day.

If your Dp is taking a month off work, why on earth will you be facilitating chit chat?

Actually, why would you be facilitating chit chat between two adult human beings anyway?

By the way- be a bit careful about the retired nurse giving breast feeding advice- if she's not up to date she could well be worse than useless. Keep a sceptical ear open........! Better just to think her as your mum and a doting grandma than as a HCP.

Really can't wait to be a mil when my boys grow up! Imagine how it will feel for her, your mum is there for a week while your mil has to sit at home and wait for permission. She is just a part of the babies life as your mum.

Count yourself lucky. ..my ex mil would phone my dm making threats to her and kicking off about how "bad" I am and also barely acknowledges her grandchildren. ..im on dc 3 and she sounds disgusted if I bump into her around town (she usually whispers not very quietly to her friends how im pregnant again because I tried to trap her son...lol....and how she would kickbaby out of me if she didnt think I would phine the police) and the ex wonders why between this and other things I wont have my kids round there!.
Your mil soundd like she wants to be involved and genuinely wants to be a part of the extended family unit. I agree that she cant expect to turn up as and when but is it really so bad that she wants to see her gc? Maybe you coukd sort something out so that you have a bit of notice so you can go for a shower? Or maybe your dp can make her a cuppa, she can have cuddles and you can have a shower while she is there?

It sounds like you are excluding your mil whilst allowing your mum free access to baby! Why not have the first week or first few days at home with baby and your partner then get your mum and mil round. If you don't give them equal 'visiting rights' that's not fair.

your dh is there to support you and look after visitors sp you can chill out in pjs all day if you want to.

I think wrong to exclude MIL for the first week. Your mum can make MIL a cup of tea and chat with her, she can have a cuddle with the baby which is what she wants. It is OTT of MIL to want to come every single day and you will have to get DP to have a word if she comes all the time.

How well do you know MIL? If you are not close, I can understand that you don't want her visiting in the first week, with your leaking boobs, greasy hair/pjs. You will want your own DM, as you will probably feel more comfortable.

Get DP to tell her come and see you after you are settled. Babies don't change much in a week anyway. It's all very well MIL "announcing" her plans. Did she ask what you wanted?

Yet another mother of a son who is being treated as the lesser grandmother.

So your mother gets to live with you and your new baby for a while but you ' see no reason ' why your dp's mother needs to meet her or see the baby. She's not even asking to stay. She just wants to be a part of the new family.

How sad

I agree with IThinkI'veBeenHacked - YABU. Either have a week alone with the baby or be fair to both mums.

Also you might not have 'greasy hair, leaking boobs' and be wearing PJs - it's not inevitable!

Also, I notice she is giving you free accommodation why your kitchen is being done.

Nice that you only want to have a relationship when it's convenient for you.

YABU and I don't even like my MIL.
Perhaps your DP would like to bond with the new baby without his MIL taking over - what is your DM actually going to be doing all day? As a former nurse, will she be hands on, pushing out your DP, who should be the one caring for your baby when you are resting?
In fact the more I think about it, the more unreasonable it seems and not about limiting visitors at all. You don't like your MIL so you don't want her visiting, you do want your own mum there.

So your mil can have her time with the baby while she is providing you with accommodation while your kitchen is being done in May? Right.

You've inflamed the MIL brigade!

I can totally understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable in pjs trying to BF in front of someone who won't even make themselves a cup of tea in someone else's house.

So your mother lives 9 hours away and your MiL lives an hour away and refuses to stay over because she doesn't like your house? It's understandable that you'll see your mother for a more concentrated period of time. That's what happens when family live such a long way away - you see them for a whole week because you might only see them three or four times a year. When family is an hour away you see them more frequently but for far shorter periods of time - three hours a week but every week.

I think your MIL is trying to reach out and make an effort to connect. I'd suggest telling your mother that and letting her take on the role of tea maker and conversation guider when your MIL visits. Your mother must be more than capable of it and then you don't feel pressured. You might have to do a couple of afternoons but you can always take yourself to bed and let your mother play hostess if you feel it is too much.

I'm always stunned by the people who think that if everything is not exactly equal you are being unfair to your MIL. When you've lived with her for a fortnight does that mean you'll have to go and stay with your mother for two weeks to make it fair? Or that you'll limit Sunday lunches with the ILs as though they're 8 hours closer to you than your mother it would be unfair to see them more frequently!

Could you perhaps have one week of just you and DP? I loved that time of us getting to know DD and working out gradually what we were doing, at our own pace, without bystanders.

it sounds to me like your MIL is being very reasonable and trying to fit in. I'd welcome her, but perhaps push both DM and MIL back by a week. But then I know lots of people who enjoy showing off new babies. I was keener to hide and nest and deal with hormonal waves in private. depends what sort of person you are, I suppose.

We didn't have any family within 300 miles but my parents stayed with friends an hour or so away so they could visit for tea one day when DD was about 10 days old. My MIL came for a month when DD was six weeks old (from the other side of the world) and was brill. but then my MIL is long on practical support (taking a howling baby for a walk so i could nap) and short on unsolicited advice.

My parents are often surprised by how much medical advice has changed and come out with very outdated helpful suggestions. How long ago did your DM retire?

My MIL is great and we spent 10 days with her for Christmas but I feel much more comfortable at her house than I believe she does at mine. I'm not trying to exclude her from seeing the baby, I'd just prefer her not to be here in the first week.
DP appreciates that my mum lives further away and needs to stay over, as well as the fact she's coming to help us out. When she actually arrives is still an open question - depending on how I feel after labour and the time of day baby makes an appearance.
With regard to staying with MIL in May, she suggested it and is really looking forward to it, as am I as I'll hopefully have started to sussed out what the heck I'm doing with my new baby!
I've seen my MIL loads during my pregnancy and she's been really supportive. I've not been able to see my mum at all. Both have been knitting jumpers and blankets, but when it comes to the crunch, yes I favour my mum over MIL. She coming for practical support, not just to meet baby.