MIL meeting new baby and DM (long!)

[CaleyThistle]

I'm due to give birth over the next few weeks and I'm starting to get stressed about visitors - especially my partner's mother.
My own mum lives 9 hours away so will be staying with us for around a week once baby arrives. She's a retired nurse so will also be helping me / baby out with breastfeeding in that time.
My MIL lives an hour away. She doesn't drive but she's arranged with a friend to give her a lift to see baby. She won't stay over because she doesn't much like our house. Apparently the stairs are too steep and the kitchen isn't bright enough.
Fair enough, entitled to her opinion, (I'm still a bit grrr about her comments) but she announced today that she intends to travel back and forward over several days to spend time with baby, and to get to know my mum. We are not married, so they've never met and I see no reason why they particularly need to.
I really just want to limit visitors, especially in the first week, while DP and I get to know our new arrival.
Can I try and ask her not to visit until my DM has gone home, and we're slightly more settled into being new parents or do I just have to facilitate her visiting whenever she wants / can get a lift?
We are starting an extension to our kitchen in May, so I'll be moving in with her for at least 2 weeks when that's going on so it's not like I'm withholding baby from her, I just want to slob about my own home in my tatty pjs with leaky boobs, and unwashed hair and head off to try and sleep whenever I can without having to facilitate chit-chat between her and my mum!!

I think you probably need to give her an afternoon in the first week. If you have your DP and your mother around maybe your MIL's friend could drop her off and your DP could take her home? That way you won't have the friend around all afternoon. Once the baby is here you might feel like you can deal with more but for now you can start dropping hints about leaking nipples and sitting around with your breasts out getting feeding established.

So even though your MIL is great, you will deny her the enormous pleasure of meeting her new grandchild for more than a week?

When people talk about MILs inviting themselves to stay for weeks on end or waiting outside the delivery room shouting through the door or expecting to be made cups of tea by a newly delivered mum I can understand the MIL hatred resentment on here. But this poor grandmother just wants to come and meet the baby and then go home - and you don't see why she needs to.

Of course she doesn't need to. She wants to. She's excited . She is happy for you all. She loves you and wants to share your joy. Is that unreasonable?

If you're worried about leaky breasts or whatever, then just let her know that as you're not sure how things will be you can't promise to be out of bed when she comes and you wont be entertaining her.

When we had our babies dh was as excited to introduce his sons to his parents as I was introducing them to mine. But he didn't need to either. Surely you wouldn't want to deny your dh that very very special moment?

Why does your DM need to be there for the first week? Why doesn't she come & visit in week two, or even week three once your DP is back at work and the cumulative effect of sleepless nights is taking its toll? I have to confess that I am someone who never understands the "no visitors other than, of course, my mum" but I really wouldn't someone in my house for an entire week when we first got home with the DC as I wanted to figure this out for myself with DP.

What I never understand is that people who accuse others of excluding their mils often seem to forget that women are often treated differently by their mums than they are by their mils. My mum is dead but when I had my dd I would have loved to have her to stay for a week because she was my mum. She would have come to look after me and spend time with me. Cuddles with dd would have been an added bonus. However my mil made it clear that she was only visiting to see her dgd. So no, I didn't want her to visit for a week when my baby was born.

How is it unfair that a daughter/dil treats her mother/mil differently when she is turn is treated completely differently by her own mother/mil?

OP yanbu. And you sound like you're more than willing to let your mil get involved. There's more to a grandchild than the first week of its life.

I get what you're saying, completely. In an ideal world, it should be ok to do what you're suggesting - because it's your baby, because your well-being (and baby's) come first - you can insist your DP takes that line with your MIL if you want to.

But it doesn't sit right with me. You know that you won't be excluding MIL in any way, but what is she supposed to think? Nothing you can say will speak louder than the fact that you don't want her around, or to get to know your mum (though it does sound like an excuse!). If your partner genuinely would love it to be just the two of you for those first precious days, I would be inclined to honour that - and have no visitors whatsoever. You don't need a nurse on hand, unless she's a midwife and even then, not really. Two hours of concerted effort in the kitchen would give you a fortnight's worth of freezer meals; you don't need her to cook.

I have a slight bee in my bonnet about maternal grandmothers being around straight away because say what you like, it means that you're not interacting as a little family unit of three at a crucial time. Your DP needs the chance to come through for you in those early days. It may be reassuring now to think of your mum being somewhere in the house within earshot but I'm a firm believer in the importance of feeling like you're each other's back-up. It's pretty much the only role your DP may have for ages - once you're confident breastfeeding, he may not get much of a look in for weeks or months. Don't take this from him when a week/ten days is all it takes. You won't get it back. Your DP will also welcome your mother with open arms when she does arrive - win-win.

In your position, I'd get your DP to tell his mum you'd both love her to see the baby the day after you return home from hospital, for a (freezer) meal, and then after that it's going to be just the two of you for a week. In the same conversation, I would quickly add that your mum is coming for a visit at the end of the first week and of course you are planning to have her over too. Due to your being quite busy, that time is filling up, so the two times you would like her to come are x and x if it suits. Hopefully you can pepper her with so many plans and invitations that it glosses over the 'don't turn up uninvited' subtext. I would also say how much your mother is looking forward to meeting her for a coffee out, just the two of you, but then I do tend to get carried away :)

I get what you're saying, completely. In an ideal world, it should be ok to do what you're suggesting - because it's your baby, because your well-being (and baby's) come first - you can insist your DP takes that line with your MIL if you want to.

But it doesn't sit right with me. You know that you won't be excluding MIL in any way, but what is she supposed to think? Nothing you can say will speak louder than the fact that you don't want her around, or to get to know your mum (though it does sound like an excuse!). If your partner genuinely would love it to be just the two of you for those first precious days, I would be inclined to honour that - and have no visitors whatsoever. You don't need a nurse on hand, unless she's a midwife and even then, not really. Two hours of concerted effort in the kitchen would give you a fortnight's worth of freezer meals; you don't need her to cook.

I have a slight bee in my bonnet about maternal grandmothers being around straight away because say what you like, it means that you're not interacting as a little family unit of three at a crucial time. Your DP needs the chance to come through for you in those early days. It may be reassuring now to think of your mum being somewhere in the house within earshot but I'm a firm believer in the importance of feeling like you're each other's back-up. It's pretty much the only role your DP may have for ages - once you're confident breastfeeding, he may not get much of a look in for weeks or months. Don't take this from him when a week/ten days is all it takes. You won't get it back. Your DP will also welcome your mother with open arms when she does arrive - win-win.

In your position, I'd get your DP to tell his mum you'd both love her to see the baby the day after you return home from hospital, for a (freezer) meal, and then after that it's going to be just the two of you for a week. In the same conversation, I would quickly add that your mum is coming for a visit at the end of the first week and of course you are planning to have her over too. Due to your being quite busy, that time is filling up, so the two times you would like her to come are x and x if it suits. Hopefully you can pepper her with so many plans and invitations that it glosses over the 'don't turn up uninvited' subtext. I would also say how much your mother is looking forward to meeting her for a coffee out, just the two of you, but then I do tend to get carried away :)

I've been with my DH for 20 years and in that time we've had 5 DC. By MN standards his parents are very nice people but I don't like them and tolerate them because they are DH's parents.
One thing I have learnt over the years is that they are just as much DC's grandparents as my parents are and neither should get priority treatment. Both sets of parents are important to our DC.

I don't think my DM and my MIL consider themselves family!

Is this your first? Why is your mam there?

Maybe it's me but I think it's a bit weird they send each other Christmas cards!
We spend a weekend with MIL around every 6 weeks. DP obviously likes to check she's ok, and will do odd jobs around the house for her. I don't see that changing following baby's arrival. I also don't think I'll see my mum until Christmas. We live at opposite ends of the country - that's life.
My MIL will see far more of baby as he/she grows up. I get she's excited at baby's arrival, I'd just like to postpone her visit for a week!

If your dc is a boy does that make you less interested in your grandchildren by him than by a daughter?

Mil should learn to make her own tea in your house- or can't dp since he'll be off?

And I don't see why her being there should mean you have to wash your hair or get out of your jammies. Surely she remembers what it's like?

She sounds nice- letting you stay at hers for 2 weeks while you get work done- my own mother wouldn't do that for me! I think you owe her and are being precious.

What does your DH think? It's his baby as much as yours. My DH couldn't wait to show off his new babies to his DM.

You seem to have made up your mind, despite most people saying you are being unreasonable.

Your MiL will be very hurt if she can't see the new baby for a week and that will damage your relationship in the future. You may not be quite so welcome in May if you deny her the chance to see her new born GC in the early days. Babies change a lot in a week.

I think you are being very cruel, actually.

So your MIL is lovely and supportive and you see her regularly. She's letting you move in while you are having an extension built and is clearly trying to build a relationship with your DM. She only lives an hour away, so doesn't stay over when visiting. that seems perfectly normal - I would much prefer to go back to my own home if I was only 50 miles away

TBH, she sounds brilliant and it seems incredibly unfair that you want to deny her the chance to see the baby when it arrives.

Living at opposite ends of the country is not the barrier to visits that it used to be - there are regular planes, trains and coaches. If your DM can immediately travel when you go into labour it doesn't sound as if travel is much of an issue, either in terms of cost, availability or in having to pre-book time off work.

Just because your DM does not visit regularly is not a reason to ban MIL from visiting. You know she isn't going to be staying over and that she is a generous and helpful person who seems to go out of her way to be there for you. It's as if you are punishing MIL because your DM does not visit you more often.

If you want to maintain the current relationship you have with MIL, please just ask her to let you know when she is coming and don't make her feel unwelcome. She seems to be the one who gives you more support anyway.

Put it this way - what if your DH said "your Mum never bothers much, so she can just wait until the weather is a bit better and we're all settled into a routine before she visits. And we won't have the hassle of having anybody staying with us." Would you think that was reasonable?

I feel really sorry for your MIL. All she wants is to see a new born baby - it's a perfectly understandable reaction.

If you want to limit visitors then you both need to tell your mothers this. Not just one of you.

Or, to limit visitors you could tell your mother she can only come once for a couple of hours. Just like your MIL.

I think your PFB is very lucky to have all these people in his/her life to love him/her.

I have DD and DS and I would hate to read this sort of post about me on MN. I will love all my GC unconditionally no matter whether they are my DS or my DD children.

Remember you could be a MiL one day too!

I agree totally with Saturn. I think it can be very tricky having maternal gm moving in with new mum. That time was so precious to my dh - he did everything and more than my dm could have done to support me and dc. He would have been really inhibited if my dm (who I am v close to) had moved in.

Instead we had that time to learn together what to do with dc1 - we made mistakes, shared postpartum indignity and had a lot of fun. He felt acutely bonded to all our babies after this period and 9 years on is still a phenomenal dad. I am sure this early bonding was very important in forging the relationship he has with his 3dc.

I always feel sad when I hear that a dgp is going to take on this role - particularly as I know that my dm for one would have been rather matronly and seen all the newborn stuff as "woman's work". Please let your dh have the chance to muddle through this with you in privacy.

If your DH is having a month off work and would love the two of you with new baby to have time together, why is your DM coming to stay? Can't two of you manage on your own?
Maybe it's your DM that needs to be told to hold her horses too.

I also agree with Saturn. My mum lives 200 miles away and works full time and my IL's live abroad so we didn't have any help. DH had 2 weeks paternity leave and it was amazing bonding as a little family unit. I did the feeding (bf) and DH did the cooking/cleaning (and cuddling obviously!) and to be honest there isn't all that much else to do with a newborn other than changing nappies! It's when DH goes back to work that you need practical support IMO.

I would talk to her and say she's more than welcome but that she must feel comfortable enough to make her own tea/ snacks etc - as your own mum will be doing. A chance to get her to feel as comfortable and as wanted in in her GC life as your mum is.

Sounds an ideal time for you and DP to both disappear for a nap when baby is napping as there will be 2 people who've been there and understand on hand to help.

I'm firmly in the camp of understanding no visitors is your perogitive but also think its never fair to pick between GP.

You say you were happy for her to visit once, so surely there's a nice compromise to be had - maybe she could come a couple of times or maybe three but with the instruction that your DP is in charge of sorting out her drinks/needs etc.

I think it's really nice she wants to get to know your Mum.

Do you know whether you're having a DD or a DS? Because if you have a DS you may well be the MiL in 30 years time, and how will you feel if your counterpart gets to spend the whole of a first week with a baby and you get one visit. I get that DM/DD's can have a close relationship (I do with mine and my MiL definitely gets less GC time) but I'm very conscious of this and try and balance it out.

Unless you are having twins or DH isnt going to be around, I just dont understand why you need another adult living in the house to help.

I feel sorry for your MIL too. I dread having a son with a wife like this....

I'm so glad that people are sticking up for the MIL, has restored my faith in Mumsnet.

Can I ask you to read Saturn's post (third paragraph) very very carefully. It seems to be a decision made that your DM will be with you within 24 hours of your getting home. It is obviously yours and your DP's decision to make, but that first week is so important in creating they dynamic between the 3 of you. As Saturn said, your DP needs to be your back up, the person you discuss for hours with all the little noises/cries/ sniffles the baby makes, the person who knows where the spare muslins are, the person who walks up and down for hours trying to burp/settle the baby.... I could go on.

My point is i have seen several DMs visit and stay as you plan and it does change the dynamic and often for the long term too. Do think about that first week carefully.