MIL meeting new baby and DM (long!)

[CaleyThistle]

I'm due to give birth over the next few weeks and I'm starting to get stressed about visitors - especially my partner's mother.
My own mum lives 9 hours away so will be staying with us for around a week once baby arrives. She's a retired nurse so will also be helping me / baby out with breastfeeding in that time.
My MIL lives an hour away. She doesn't drive but she's arranged with a friend to give her a lift to see baby. She won't stay over because she doesn't much like our house. Apparently the stairs are too steep and the kitchen isn't bright enough.
Fair enough, entitled to her opinion, (I'm still a bit grrr about her comments) but she announced today that she intends to travel back and forward over several days to spend time with baby, and to get to know my mum. We are not married, so they've never met and I see no reason why they particularly need to.
I really just want to limit visitors, especially in the first week, while DP and I get to know our new arrival.
Can I try and ask her not to visit until my DM has gone home, and we're slightly more settled into being new parents or do I just have to facilitate her visiting whenever she wants / can get a lift?
We are starting an extension to our kitchen in May, so I'll be moving in with her for at least 2 weeks when that's going on so it's not like I'm withholding baby from her, I just want to slob about my own home in my tatty pjs with leaky boobs, and unwashed hair and head off to try and sleep whenever I can without having to facilitate chit-chat between her and my mum!!

Another probably really trivial thing. Don't assume the greasy hair/old pjs thing. Do everything you can to ensure a shower every day. It will make an enormous difference to how you feel, physically and mentally. When I visit new parents, I always offer to hold the baby while parents have showers.

Indeed Hak... In 8 years as a community midwife, visiting parents for up to the first 28 days, I can't remember a specifically greasy head (except on those women who had greasy hair as the default pre baby....). You'll be keeping really clean in house first couple of weeks, caring for your stitches etc. Three months in, however, when DP back at work, squirmy wriggly baby not wanting to be put down and all your mates have lost interest, then the greasy hair makes an appearance!

Why can't you have the first week just your DP, you and the baby?

Then your mum could come the second week, along with MIL here and there to help out. I agree now is not the time for MIL to forge a relationship with your mum m, but she may be of help in other ways I guess.

So true Hak I lived 2500 miles from my family who did fly out for birth. And had MIL. Yet.... The one thing I remember clearly from first 4 weeks was a neighbour I'd known for a few months only, turning up, running me a bath, handing me a magazine, putting DS in pram and telling me she'd see me in an hour! She was an ex midwife and judged her helpful bossiness perfectly

Honestly, she's your child's grandma just as your mum is. She's not asking to be looked after / carted about and im sure is capeable of making her own tea / food.

Just because she thinks your stairs are too steep ( and maybe , think about this , this is a clumsy attempt to say " I don't want caleythistle to think she has to put me up, what with a new baby and all") you seem to have taken against her!

This lady is your MIL to all intents and purposes and she's never met your mum ? That's sad. They share a grandchild and, I hope will be part of your lives for pretty much ever.

yabu. you already have 3 adults looking after stuff in the house and your MIL would like to visit a couple of times and you think no. Surely when she visits your mom or your dp can ensure she has tea and whatever? Thats not too big a deal is it.

You know, lots and lots of people feel very much up to things after having a baby. They get up and shower and wear comfortabke clothes and take care of baby. everything else can wait. You will have 2 other people to do the everything else bit and take care of baby as well and you can't fit in time for the other grandmother to get to know her grandchild.

If I was your MIL I would feel very hurt and excluded and very much the second class grandmother - and it would be you who would be making me feel that way.

What I find most concerning about this is in your second post, your DP wants it just you and him bonding with new baby, yet your still going to have your DM there, whilst excluding his.

I did have my mom stay for the last week and a half of pregnancy and first 2 days home (I was overdue). but my DP wanted that too. He sees my mom as more of a mother to him than his ever was. My mom is very good at being invisible - it was like we had a cleaning fairy, who appeated and helped (practically or advise wise) with baby only when specifically asked. It was a real help whilst not interfering with our bonding time. Neither me nor DH liked any other visitors in that time - they were in the way.

Oh and you won't have greasy hair, you'll need showers to keep yourself clean so any stitches heal OK. Its once DP is back at work that showers become harder.

Wait and see I reckon. Surely it's best for your baby to have an extended family who know each other and can support as a group rather than two separate sides? Maybe your MIL wishes you were married and this is her way of making what she sees as a secure family for her grandchild?

I must say I have always liked my MIL but since having kids I properly LOVE her. Of course I love my mum but I find it useful to have two different approaches to things (as well as my own of course!).

If your mum is good socially I would be chatting to her about this so that when the time comes, if all the visiting is too much she can have a gentle word and perhaps make herself scarce with your MIL if you need some time alone with DH.

About the tea thing, it would be great if she felt free to cater for herself, but i personally would feel quite awkward about it in the house of someone who felt at best ambivalent about my presence.

Maybe it'd improve if you actually made her welcome?

I would also agree that the first week with just the two of you is a fantastic family experience and really sets the bonding experience. But then if my dh had asked for my mom not to be there whilst he (and I) got to know our baby I would respect that and give it a chance. If it was all too much after day 2 or so I would relook at having my dm over.

I think people read too much into it. I don't think the family bond is as easy to mess up as they seem to think; I certainly don't think the family dynamic for me, OH and DD was messed up by the fact that my mum visited to help out in the few days after the birth, or that she was present at the birth itself.

I think DP felt put out that I didn't ask his mum, but I explained things to him - a) that there was no way I'd ever have anyone but him or my mum at the birth, and b) that his parents seemed more interested in meeting DD and having cuddles when really my mum came up to look after me and enable me to do uni work, while OH could bond with DD and do some of his uni work too.

If OH had asked for my mum not to be there at the birth, I'd have really struggled - I think in the end I'd have gone with his choice, but we'd have both struggled at the birth without her.

I totally understand worrying about being burned out with too many visitors and not enough alone time, but I do think you're being a bit unfair by having your own mum constantly there for a week but not even letting MIL visit a few times for a few hours. And I think it's LOVELY that she wants to get to know your mum. Have you considered getting your mum to go out for coffee or dinner with your MIL for a few days? Then you and your other half would get some alone time with baby regularly, your mum and MIL could make friends, and you could ease the feeling of it all being unfair on MIL by getting mum to tell her "I have to stay because of the distance, but I know they don't want me here 24/7, they need to bond alone as a family, so why don't you come for lunch while I get out of their hair for a bit?"

You are so not being unreasonable about this

Of course you have a different relationship with your own mother and feel more comfortable around her, the time post birth is not all about the baby it is about you and your needs too. It is one of the most vunerable times of a woman's life and her wishes should be totally respected (and yes I say that as a mother to five boys)

I think as your mil sounds so lovely it would be nice to have her to visit one afternoon as soon as you feel up to it immediately after the birth so she is not waiting for that first meeting. But after that asking for a few days of space while you recover and adjust is fine and understandable

You are so being unreasonable about this.

One visit to bring a present and take photos in the first week for, let's say, an hour and a half is all MIL needs. You can sit in state on the sofa (in your dressing gown or glammed up to the nines, whatever you feel like) while the grandmothers make you cups of tea and coo over the baby and say he/she has Uncle Fred's nose.

Giving birth is bloody horrible (well it was for me) and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a day or two. But actually horrible as it was, by the third day or so, after a few showers and a hairwash I was perfectly capable of smiling in a photo and being delighted that my friends and family were excited to visit my baby.

Of course, if things are tougher than expected and you feel as if you're struggling I'm sure MIL would understand if you postponed her visit but planning for a week of total isolation and banning her visit is just mean.

Of course you have the right not to have any visitor you don't want. You have the right to cut all contact with MIL if you so choose. But is that really reasonable ? From what you've told us, no.

Visitors in the first week come to help.
Therefore both should do housework, cook for you and the freezer - if you're bfeeding a newborn you'll need easy to heat/eat one handed sort of meals.
They can do shopping / walk the dog / help you in and out of the chair if you're sore.
They may get to briefly meet the baby whilst you go to the loo.

i think you are being incredibly unfair on dmil. your mum gets to stay for a week and you want her to stay away? that baby is just as much her grand child as your mothers. as much as you might feel a bit less comfortable with her you have invited your mum for a week long stay so i think you should let dmil visit where she can. i have one dd and one ds and another boy on the the way and i wouldnt stand for being pushed out the way you are thinking of doing with your dmil. and if dd wanted to do that to her dmil when she is older she would get told a few home truths about how rude and entitled she is being

But MIL won't just be popping in for an hour for a photo and a cuddle. OP has said she lives an hour away and is relying on a friend giving her a lift (presumably there and back) and that MIL has announced she plans to do this several times in the first week. What is MIL's friend doing? Will she be expecting tea / biscuits too?
Going against the grain here, OP you ANBU. You seem to be concerned about when / how long for and how often your MIL is going to visit, as well as nervous about her meeting your own DM when you've just had a baby and you have no idea about how you'll be feeling both physically and mentally. That is NU!!
I don't know any new mum who doesn't want their own DM helping out over the first few days. My mum massaged my sister's breasts in the shower to help her milk come through when she was having issues. Would she have let MIL do the same? Hell no!!
You do need to relax a bit though. It's not good for you or baby. You need to realise that with a new baby you can't 'control' life in the same way as you can without. Of course your MIL wants to meet your new arrival. As you say, you've seen her a lot during your pregnancy and she just wants to continue supporting both you and her son.
Could you ask DP to ask MIL to just confirm when she intends to visit, so you've got that clear in your mind. I think the unexpected announcement is what's stressing you out. Relax and enjoy you and your new baby being the centre of attention. No one but you will care if you've got greasy hair!!

Well she can tell MIL the visit will only be for an hour or so, can't she?

If OP can apparently with no compunction tell her MIL that she is not welcome for a week or more and that there is no need for her to meet OP's dm, then surely OP has the strenght of character to ask that MIL keeps her first week visit short and limited to once or twice?

Fantastic the last thing I wanted was my mum helping in the first few days

FantasticMrsFoxx When my mum suggested coming to stay and help out for the first few days I literally shuddered in horror. She's lovely, and a good person, but we have never been close, and HELL NO.

You are being so unkind. Your MIL will want to see the baby asap and why shouldn't she? She doesn't have to stay long,and may be not every day.
You need to learn to be more generous and kind.

You are about to have this woman's grandchild. Dad might disappear but you are forever tied to the GM.
How do you know she won't be practically helpful? I most certainly thought DM was to be best. Boy did I get that wrong. Mil was by far more practically helpful than DM was at newborn stage.

Accept all help graciously. From everyone. Biggest thing my darling dc have taught me.

YABU

I too wouldn't have wanted my mother there. I love my dm and get on great with her. However, when itcame to me having children I wanted my own space with dh. I felt that if I was mature enough to think I could have and raise a baby I didn't want or need my mother there. I didn't need mothering (did someone mention cuddles from their dm earlier?) I needed to be an adult.

I also appreciate that this is how I felt but doesn't mean everyone has to feel that way and that any other way is wrong. My feeling on this thread is that if there is room enough for one grandparent to be there for a week then there is room for another to visit also. If the op had said that she didn't want her dm either then it would be reasonable for mil not to be very welcome.

it does strike me on this thread that the arrangements are all about what the new mom wants and a disregard of how a new dad feels. I know the mom has just given birth but it doesn't mean that she should dictate everything.