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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To share the gender or not?

29 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 28/12/2014 01:45

We've known the gender of our baby since 12 weeks, but still can't decide whether to share it with friends and family (only our children and my parents currently know).

I'm bot sure I'm ready to share yet, but I also don't want to have to think before I speak all the time (have nearly slipped up a couple of times since) , look over my shoulder when buying baby things etc.

What did you do?

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EstRusMum · 28/12/2014 02:22

I found out at 20 weeks scan and then shared.
I have no idea, how could you know so early though. I thought that they can see it only after 15-16 weeks, so would recommend to wait until 20 weeks and it's confirmed. Otherwise you might end up in too awkward situation.

Cavort · 28/12/2014 03:30

I thought gender was difficult to establish before 15/16 weeks gestation? But YANBU to do whatever the hell you like with the info.

Camsie30 · 28/12/2014 04:37

I'm 37 weeks and also found out at 12, I decided that whilst I wanted to know, I didn't want to share it, so have kept it to myself. It's been quite fun to be honest! Everyone thinks they can guess... I've been very careful to call the baby "it" in public. Totally personal choice but don't feel pressured into telling if you don't want to

Psmith83 · 28/12/2014 08:51

Hey OP,
Why do you want to not share/share it?
I chose to tell everyone after my 20 week scan. I was surprised about how many comments I got about 'shopping for blue' and that sort of thing. I would have thought that someone who is as vocal about feminism, refuses to wear makeup and who goes on protest marches etc people might-might! assume we aren't doing the typical blue-for-boys 'let's crank up the heteronormative subject making machine' and buying him planes and commando figures. But no. It turns out that this whole gender thing has a life of it's own. I've just started writing all the comments down.
It's given me an extra five months to work out snappy one liners to really old fashioned ideas, and to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to protect my baby from the constant barrage of 'boying'.

sianihedgehog · 28/12/2014 09:06

If you get harmony or nifty tests done you can find out gender at 12 weeks. I will probably not tell, as I'm a dreadful old hippy and hate highly gendered baby clothes and toys, and by not telling I should avoid anyone giving me any for a bit longer!

Pregnantagain7 · 28/12/2014 09:08

I found out with my fourth and didn't tell a soul not even dp that I knew. I had a bit of a preference (before I get flamed of course the most important thing was a healthy baby and in the long run the sex really wasn't that important!)
My dc3 was only 14 weeks when I found out I was pregnant and I thought it would be lovely for him to have a brother to grow up with (I already had two older girls) I got my wish and I was really glad that I found out. :)

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 28/12/2014 09:09

Yes we do know through Harmony test so it's 99.9% accurate as DNA is tested.

OP posts:

Teeste · 28/12/2014 09:11

Psmith we don't know yet as I'm only 15 weeks, but the gendering has already started. We were joking about getting a pony (as you do), and my MIL said, 'That'd be fine for a girl, but it'd have to be a racehorse for a boy'. I may be incredibly naive, but we are going to try for the 'we're going gender-neutral (and no plastic tat)' route as much as we can. Not sure yet whether that will involve not sharing the sex.

WiIdfire · 28/12/2014 09:13

Depends if you prefer pink/blue or neutral colours for clothes etc. Because if you tell, you WILL get pink/blue gifts, if you don't you won't. (I realise this may not be the most important thing!)

prevlurker123 · 28/12/2014 10:29

We know but havent told anyone. We may well acccidentally let slip before baby is born but if we do that's fine cant be helped! Its our fun secret for now and is helping us to begin to adjust to the fact we are going to be parents as I think we are still in denial!, without everyone going boy/girl crazy around us. I am also struggling a bit with anxiousness around there actually being a baby in my belly so didnt want others beginning to identify it too much at this point, before I even could....if that makes sense. Im feeling better about it though (all the kicking is now beginning to make it seem real) so we may change our minds and tell people nearer birth, but our little secret for now.

Also we are not making a big deal of telling people its a secret.....only if they ask, we are politely sayibg we havent told anyone and leaving it as tgat. Not building it up with any big hype!

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 28/12/2014 10:47

Think you've hit the nail on the head there prevlurker, I'm a bit anxious about it all after two losses this year, one resulting in emergency surgery. We found out this time to help us bond as I've found everything quite overwhelming and uncertain so far, but not sure I'm ready to share it with people yet. Everyone's speculating and it make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

OP posts:

leanne963 · 28/12/2014 10:54

I feel the same as psmith i am really really not keen on the idea of gender stereotyping and i kind of regret telling everyone we are having a DD. I am obviously very grateful to all my family buying stuff for the baby over christmas but me and my partner now have an overwhelming load of pink, sparkly, tutus and pink leopard print trainers and 'daddys little girl' tshirts with bunnies all over them. We personally both prefer neutral colours like creams and yellows, but then not all people have that preference. I just feel like the joy of buying our little girl her own clothes isn't needed now as we have SO much pink stuff. I just wish i had said i didn't know what we were having then we would have ended up with just plain items.
I never thought this would be an issue as i heard friends complaining about MIL buying clothes that weren't to their taste and i remember thinking 'Oh shut up, stop being so ungrateful', but now i completely understand where they were coming from. Sorry i have gone completely off topic, but definitely take into consideration that if you do tell family what you are having you may get inundated with lots of pink/blue clothes. But i am sure i am just being weird and this probably won't bother anyone else lol

KatoPotato · 28/12/2014 11:00

Obviously just my opinion, but I really don't understand those who keep it a secret. It borders on actually being annoying. My friend found out but never told anyone, and missed out on all my DS1's baby stuff to another friend who did disclose!

MuffinMcLay23 · 28/12/2014 12:36

If you decide not to tell anyone the gender then please don't be as annoying as one of my friends, and, if asked what you are having reply "a baby!" and then look pleased with yourself for making such a clever joke.....
The alternative is when people ask you what you are having to say "we have decided to keep it a secret" but then that's pretty annoying too especially when you only ask someone to make conversation and don't actually care what they are having (why on earth would you?) but then end up feeling like you have somehow asked some sort of totally inappropriate question!
Personally I would either find out and tell people or just not find out, but its obviously a very personal choice.
I have always found out and just told anyone who asked what the gender was.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 28/12/2014 12:45

Why do you not want to tell people the baby's sex? Its not as if there is a huge range of possibilities, its 50/50 either way (just about). They'll all know in a couple of months anyway. Not telling people after its born is just daft.

September60b · 28/12/2014 13:18

We found out and have decided to keep it to ourselves. We didn't intend to, but had some problems at the start of our pregnancy and finding out really helped us to bond at a time when we were too scared to get attached.

Can't really explain why we wanted to keep it a secret other than we think it will be a lovely surprise for everyone else. We've told everyone else that we don't know what we're having.

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 28/12/2014 14:22

If you read my post at 10 ish this morning you might understand why. We didn't find out to be smug or annoying, we found out for us, not to show off to others. Nobody knows we know either, it's more keeping it a secret without slipping up. I wondered how easy people have found keeping the knowledge a secret

OP posts:

Bumpandbaby2014 · 28/12/2014 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

September60b · 28/12/2014 15:43

Hi Tranquility, 38 weeks and we haven't let slip

JennyBlueWren · 28/12/2014 16:00

So long as you don't mind having lots of pink/blue gifts then I can't see that it matters.

Original poster

Tranquilitybaby · 28/12/2014 17:10

Thanks. We'll see how we go and decide whether to announce it or not x

OP posts:

Egog · 28/12/2014 17:41

We found out but kept it a secret for similar reasons to you, OP. It caused chaos. PILs in particular just wouldn't stop going on about it- I was called cruel and mean for not telling anyone (although they didn't mean anyone, they meant them!)

It really did cause some humdingers, including one incident where my BIL cornered my Dad and demanded he tell him the gender (he didn't know either!) so he could tell my "poor" PILs.

It made me more determined not to tell them anything, and if we have another, I doubt we'd find out ourselves as they did their best to spoil it for us. They kept saying "how will we know whether to buy pink or blue" - my point exactly!

When they met my 2 day old DD, MIL's first smug words were "well we knew all along, you slipped up" - before congratulations, before hello even!

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but beware if you've got relatives like mine who think they have a right to know all and sundry- I was even asked at one point if my plug had gone!

Good luck with your baby, whichever gender!

leanne963 · 28/12/2014 17:49

Omg egog I was gritting my teeth read your post. Your MIL would have drove me crazy. It was kind of the opposite with me, my mum was adamant that keeping the sex a suprise was the 'only' thing people look forward to hearing when they find out you give birth.

But we desperately wanted to know and the fact we knew but my mum didn't drove her wild with curiosity so we ended up having to tell her haha

Maxis1 · 28/12/2014 18:00

I found out at the 20 week scan as I had a strong preference and knew I would need to get my head around the gender in case it was not my preference.

The midwife was so vaugh with her answer that I actually use that as an excute for not telling people. she was like "it looks like it my be a girl". So on the one hand I get used to the idea of it being a girl while still keeping that little big of hope that she may be wrong.

I hate pink and purple so my little if its really a girl will not be dressed in it. I know some people will make a point of giving me stuff in pink to annoy me but I already warned them that if its a girl and they wanna waste their money to go buy pink I have a charity shop right around the corner:P

most of the cloths I bough are cream or whites. and I know I will enjoy confusing people by not stereotyping my baby. I never understood why blue is supposed to be for boys, I wear loads myself, and refuse to dress a girl like a piglet ... all in pink :P

Greencurtain · 28/12/2014 18:09

I don't understand the big secret personally. I found out with both mine (I am a planner!) and told anyone who wanted to know.

People buy gifts for babies often after they are born anyway.

It is impossible to steer clear of gendered clothing/toys btw. Unless you devote your life to it and are rich enough to reject and replace anything given to you that is gendered.

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