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Original poster

How to bring up ttc?

28 replies

bopit123 · 04/11/2014 12:07

Hi

Im new here so be nice please :-)

Im 27 and am starting to see babies everywhere. I feel so ready to start a family but not sure how the bf will feel and not sure how to bring it up. We have been together nearly 3 years, hes a year younger than me, we've lived together nearly 2 years (my house), both have good jobs. Seems perfect except I can see him thinking we're too young. I disagree, my entire family had early menopause and I want 2 kids with a decent gap between. So now is kind of the right time

How do I bring it up? Without scaring him ideally

Thankd

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wawabear · 04/11/2014 12:12

We had both said that we weren't sure about babies, then I started to feel a bit broody and when I hit 34 I thought that if I wanted to have 2 then I had best hurry up.

I brought it up after dinner and said that it was something I had been thinking about and wondered what his thoughts were. He said that he had been thinking about it too and the conversation went from there. The next day he said he had been thinking about it at work and he would like to start to try in the next 6-12 months.

I would just bring it up with the tone of 'no pressure at all but this is something I have been thinking about and I wondered what your thoughts were and if or when you would like to start to think about a family'.

It's best to get these things out in the open so you know where you stand.

Original poster
bopit123 · 04/11/2014 12:19

The thing is, I know he wants kids one day. If we have a boy its already named - by him (I like it though). His brother was much older when he had his son so I think he wants them later on, but im very consious both our parents are older and I want them to meet their grandchildren and the grandchildren to remember their grandparents.

Might try casually bringing it up....eek

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Allstoppedup · 04/11/2014 12:31

Just bring it up! It's best to both be on the same page and as long as you don't hand him a laminated highlighted schedule of your ovulation it (hopefully) shouldn't scare him off!Grin You've obviously discussed children at some point and are in a committed relationship so it can't be too much of a surprise for him.

Good luck!

wawabear · 04/11/2014 12:33

Oh you'll be fine then, he's already named a future son so he must have given this some amount of thought.

Just casually bring it up at a time when you're both relaxed and have time to spend properly discussing it.

Good luck! xx

Original poster
bopit123 · 04/11/2014 12:39

I think im just bringing it up about 3 years earlier than he would like.....he is prone to freaking about things. Joint bank account is a no go as it scares him

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Augustwedding · 04/11/2014 12:41

We had just got back from honeymoon when I had a conversation with DH about it. I was seeing babies every as well and felt so ready. I just bought it up over dinner and explained my reasons for feeling how I did. He asked to think about it but also to visit some baby shops to get an idea on how much everything would cost etc- DH is better at making decision with facts! After 2 weeks he said yes, he felt he was ready!

We are now on cycle 2 of TTC!

amy83firsttimer · 04/11/2014 12:53

Does he want to get married first or not? or might he think you want marriage first?

leanne963 · 04/11/2014 13:06

bopit my boyfriend would NEVER have a joint account with me, that would scscare him more than kids.

Honestly my boyfriend has always said he wanted kids but 'not right now, until we had a mortgage and I had finished uni and in a good job.' Well I accidently fell pregnant in may and my boyfriend cried, he was not ready but after giving him a few days he came round to the idea and we discussed how we would manage it and we actually started to look forward to it.
Unfortunately we lost a baby in June and it broke our heart. But had we have not gone through that difficult time we wouldnt have realised exactly HOW much we wanted kids until one was taken away from us.
So he said to me 'I want to try for a baby' and luckily enough i am not nearly 12 weeks pregnant.

If he wants kids eventually that is a great sign. I would definitely bring it up with him and mention your concerns about the early menopause. I'm sure if he sees how much it means to you then he can push his plans for kids forward a couple of years!!

Sparkky · 04/11/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bopit123 · 04/11/2014 13:27

I don't mind whether we're married at all. I actually quite like the idea of sprog being able to be there at our wedding. I think he thinks we should be married first but it may well not be what he wants.

I think bringing it up casually is the way forward. Just a wee bit terrified.

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leanne963 · 04/11/2014 13:29

Oh I hate the whole 'You have to be married first to have kids' I don't think that matters. As long as you and your partner are happy you don't need a piece of paper to prove it!

amy83firsttimer · 04/11/2014 13:32

I don't think everyone needs to be married first, it's just if he thinks that's what she wants it could explain the perceived delay when in fact they might both be happy to go for it now.

Sparkky · 04/11/2014 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leanne963 · 04/11/2014 13:39

I know you guys weren't saying that from that specific view point. I have just had too many friends tell me their life plan and how they have to be married then have babies because 'that's the right way to do things.' I just can't bear to be made to feel like I am some bad mother cause I'm having a child out of wedlock. This is from personal experiences, not from what you all said. Sorry if it came across that way.

LostandConfused33 · 04/11/2014 13:55

I ended up telling DP when I was getting irrational about trying to fit in all my dream holidays in the next few years - I had to explain to him that I was perhaps hoping that I wouldn't be in a position to be scuba diving on holiday in a few years! I think it threw him a bit, he didn't take it brilliantly and I ended up having a more serious conversation about biological clocks complete with stats a few months later. Again, I didn't think he was keen. About a month later out of the blue he said 'yes we can' and I had no idea what he was talking about - he clarified 'we can try for a baby next year' - I guess he needed to think about it. He proposed a month or so after that!
I wouldn't suggest you try this approach but fortunately it's worked for us. He's a bit younger than me so slightly freaked out about it all but is also a reasonable person who understands stats and accepts we need to start soonish because of my age.

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 04/11/2014 13:58

The one thing you really need to make a plan for is money. If he won't have a joint account, then you will be in a very vulnerable position whilst on maternity leave. I think working this out is the bigger dilemma than how to ask about ttc.

Siarie · 04/11/2014 14:05

Hmm I don't even really remember how we got onto the topic as we tend to talk and just wander. But we were having a nice dinner for our nine year anniversary and talking about our plans for the next five years.

We had always planned to have children around now so I suppose one of us must have brought that up. Probably me I expect and we agreed I would take my pill up to my last packet and that was that.

I think just have a sit down and talk about it.

Siarie · 04/11/2014 14:08

Oh and I don't agree about the joint account. You don't need a joint account, there are lots of other ways to manage money when one person isn't working.

Me and DH have a joint account and we hardly use it, I have a credit card (paid off in full each month) I use to buy things and money in my account for cash. It works out nicely as I earn a bunch of rewards on that card. But it is something you'll need to discussSmile

Original poster
bopit123 · 04/11/2014 14:13

Thanks everyone for your help. I know he wont run away or anything but everything is pretty amazing with us at the moment so dont want to change that.

I wouldnt worry about finances, my parents would always help if things went wrong before we were married and they're comfortably off

Think I'll attempt to bring it up at the weekend

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Theorientcalf · 04/11/2014 15:37

Just be careful, as said above you don't have to be married to have DC. But financially and legally you're in a worse position. If anything happens to him you wouldn't be entitled to any of his assets, you won't be next of kin and wouldn't be able to make any decisions. It's not just about money.

Don't assume nothing will ever happen, my Dad died when I was a child and my DM got his pension because they were married. Don't write off the need for money so easily or rely on your parents. What you can do is go to a solicitor and get something drawn up legally instead. Protect yourself and your children. Don't be naive.

And yes, just talk to him.

Original poster
bopit123 · 04/11/2014 16:08

Ev en without the parents money isnt an issue. Ive worked hard enough to have a house which I own on my own and have no mortgage and have strong savings

I am incredibly aware of the legal issues as my mum and her other half have been together a long time but are not married despite it being recommended for the same reasons you mention

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Peaceloveandbiscuits · 04/11/2014 23:46

You've got a house with no mortgage at 27!? Tell me what your job is so that I can bag an interview Grin

Peaceloveandbiscuits · 04/11/2014 23:46

Misses point of thread entirely

sinkestatecar · 05/11/2014 00:00

Talk to him.

I can't believe people move in together and get married without discussing whether they want children. Bonkers!

All this talk of 'freaking out' and 'scaring' though makes me think there might be a bit of maturing to do. You say 'eek' at the thought of talking to him - why? You really need to be sure you can talk about anything with someone you want a child with

ps some women aren't totally dependent on men for money and security. Incredible, I know.

pps some women aren't in a vulnerable position while on maternity leave - it's all discussed, sorted and planned for. I know! Amazing.

sinkestatecar · 05/11/2014 00:01

Sorry, I get really cheesed off with the casual sexism on here, like us laydeez are all just earning pocket money while the men are out earning the big bucks. It's not 1950.