"Just accept that you're never going to sleep again!"

[Gennz]

If I had a dollar for the amount of times that this has been said to me with a gleeful expression I would be a millionaire. Does anyone else find it really annoying? (it's mainly the sleep thing that winds me up, but also they "you won't be able to shower for days/put the baby down/lose the last 5kg" blah blah blah..)

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, expecting our first child. Last night we had two of DH's friends over to watch the rugby - one has a 2.5 year old, one has a 9 month old. I said innocently to the father of the 2.5 year old "Does DD sleep through the night?" He responded with a meaningful laugh and said "oh no, she wakes up 2 - 3 times a night" and then "just accept that you'll never sleep again and it's not so hard." Whereupon the father of the 9 month old said "yes DW is up with DD at 11, 2 and 5am because she needs to be fed, you just get used to it." Then they harped on about "never sleeping again" and "how it's so much harder for the woman because she is the one who is up all night".

I am probably being an unreasonable b*itch - I know their hearts were in the right places. But I also know that their partners' approach to things is quite different to mine - I'm not taking my full maternity leave, having an ELCS, am v much in favour of putting a routine in place as early as possible, getting the baby to take a bottle; whereas I know they are more baby-led routine, go with the flow, natural birth. I'm not saying I'm right & they're wrong - just that I think our preferred approach will work better for my and DH's personalities.

I'm also not enough of an idiot to say out loud "well WE won't be doing that, I'm putting a routine in place, I need my sleep" having never had a child... I can only imagine how gleeful the reminders would be in 6 months when I haven't had a shower all day and the baby hasn't slept in days and I'm cursing the author of every routine based book ever published...

Anyway (this has turned into a far longer rant than I planned) - are any other first time parents else finding the "tips" from other parents slightly annoying/enraging? I guess my biggest bugbear is that, apart from responding "oh really? thanks for the heads up..." you can't really say anything (e.g "it won't be like that for me") without sounding like a delusional, pompous git and/or insulting the other person's parenting.

Ahhhhhhh good to get that off my chest...

You WILL sleep again.
I have two children, natural births. Baby led in terms of routine. Breastfed. I promise you they were both sleeping through by 12 months and only waking once at around 7 months. It's not about whether or not you "establish routine", how you give birth, or how you feed. It's all based on the personality of your baby and how you react in certain situations.
Please dong run out and buy GF books and be determined to get your baby sleeping through as quickly as possible. I don't even think that biologically they should sleep through for the first year. And babies don't watch clocks Go with the flow and give your baby what he/she needs. The rest will fall into place.

You picked a poor time to post that: the night crew are by definition those of us with night-wakes

Ds is 2.5 and currently taking up most of my need after a 4:30 wake up. These are thankfully no longer every night, but if he's crying for mummy then I'm not willing to leave him to scream. He first slept though at 8 Weeks...

Sorry Mines - insensitive of me!

Hope you get a decent night's sleep soon, I'll be joining you in T-3 months...

I think it's less to do with routines/baby-led as it is to do with the fact some babies sleep and some don't!

I know plenty of babyled type babies who sleep brilliantly and plenty of people who nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to make baby go to a routine which didn't work ; I also know people breastfeeding through the night long past 18 months and people whose babies slept from day 2 and smugly claim this is "because they put a routine in place", as if!

My personal belief is that routines do fuck all and that babies just vary… mine varies every 2 months, so for 2 months I have an awesome 12 hours a night sleeper (including as a newborn) and then the next 2 months keeps bloody waking up! I change nothing!

I also know people whose babies "sleep through" which upon further questioning means the parents don't get up when they cry for half an hour or something, so part of it is to do with whether you go to your kids in the night or not. And some people's definition of sleeping through is 5 hours, some is 12 hours!

Having said that there are plenty of ways to make it work, especially if you are adaptable and have support (and who knows, you might get one of the babies that just sleeps - I know plenty of them). You will sleep again, and if you're going back to work you'll prioritise this and DH will have to do it instead, or half of it. It is hard to predict though. You find different ways to function, (I go to bed very early these days as that is always guaranteed-sleep time). I night weaned at 14 months because I couldn't function at work and still breastfed for a further 8 months. Different things work for different families.

Agree that the smugly miserable comments you get whilst pregnant are unbearable! The one that used to wind me up was "you'll never eat out with your DP again" - well I think I was eating out 2-3 times a week on mat leave in the early days! You just learn to eat one handed :) I also went to gigs, lost the baby weight (not immediately), went to festivals (with baby) went to spas (with and without baby), read about a zillion novels whilst feeding (bliss)…. of course I did also have days where I was covered in vomit and crying.

The question that has annoyed me the most since having a child (now 2) is "does she sleep through the night?" If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

I'm 32 weeks with DC2, and getting just as much sleep as I did at this point in my last pregnancy! DS didn't sleep through properly until he went into his toddler bed, but slept for 6/7 hours straight from 18 months. Many babies sleep through well before this. I'm currently typing this while DS snoozes away peacefully - I woke up twice in the night to go to the loo/shift position, but he didn't!

Yesterday I was told 'You will never have a holiday again, enjoy this one cause it'll be your last,' meaning that I will go on holiday, but at no point will I ever feel relaxed again.

I didn't mention that as soon as the kid is old enough I fully intend to ditch them with my mother (who is amazing and very excited about Holidays with Grandma) and dash off on mini-breaks. Ok, not often or for long, but I think never is a very strong word.

Mind you, there are so many aspects of parenting I and this person disagree on, I feel avoidance is probably the best bet. Shame they're family.

The sleep comments irritated the crap out out of me with my first pregnancy, and the laughing at the fact I wanted a pain relief free water birth caused huge hilarity and comments about how I was ridiculous.

It turns out I am now nearly 3 years down the line of having my PFB and I have had fewer than 10 nights where she's slept all the way through do that turned out to be pretty true. On the other hand I got a quick, pain relief free, straight forward warerbirth.

You get the baby you get. You will get done things that are easier than your friends will find it and other stuff that's more challenging. If more women were nicer to each other it'd be just lovely.

I hope all you ladies pregnant with your firsts get nice sleeping babies, a straightforward labour and that you enjoy yourselves. It's perfectly feasible it might happen!

You can try a routine, it might work. But only if you get a baby who likes routines. It's probably better for your sanity to focus on establishing a 'timed order' than an order which happens at specific times. So the EASY thingy, but don't put pressure on yourself to start feeds at certain times.

As for 'wake them at the same time each morning' unless you have a good sleeper the reason why this might be problematic is that let's say your baby wakes at 4am for a feed, it will take probably an hour and sometimes longer to feed, change, wind them and then go back to sleep (with DS it was more like 1.5-2 hours). So let's say it's 5am and you all go back to sleep. After missing a chunk of sleep in the middle of the night you won't want to disturb your baby again until they disturb you!

Reliably slept through from 6 months but even at 10 weeks was doing the odd 7 til 5

Wise words LadyLuck!!

silverShins it didn't occur to me that the sleeping Q could be irritating... it wasn't the answer that annoyed me so much as the gleeful "just you wait!" tone in which it was delivered. I mean, I know the first year is probably going to be a mission, sleep wise, but I know that it's not unusual for 2.5 year olds to sleep most of the night? It didn't seem like an unreasonable or goady question to me (admittedly what do I know).

Retro we have had that too, repeatedly Again, probably true but no need to harp on and on about it?

The other one that gets me is "you say you'll go back to work but you'll be so bonded, you won't want to" and then when I say I like working/have worked hard at my career/think it's important to work "you say that now... just you wait" with smug know-it-all expression. Gaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

very true mrscog

People are dicks.

I've got a terrible sleeper and a tricky baby but I'm sure it will get better. It's what I expected. I 'm a bad sleeper anyway.

For me it was everyone saying 'you'll never have a hot drink again'. I've never drank so many hot drinks in my life. The shower thing is also rubbish. It takes 30 seconds to jump in and out of a shower. Washing your hair is more of a challenge. But it depends what your prioritise and what your baby is like.

I've got friends with model babies who will happily be popped down on a playmat for 30 minutes so they always get loads done.

Don't panic about it yet. Just enjoy pregnancy and your baby.

(Ps fingers crossed you get an easy one and congratulations)

This reminds me of yesterday at a BBQ with 5/6 other pregnant women (first time mums) and one of the older ladies was talking about someone she knew had a 31 hour labour...not sure how helpful that was!

I think as long as you're realistic and know that not all babies will sleep through the night at x months old it's fine, if yours does great, if they don't well you kind of knew it might be that way!

You will sleep again at some point!

One thing I will say though...you will sleep differently, I think once you have a baby your hearing is fine tuned to hear the smallest snuffle!

IMO how soon you'll have an uninterrupted night's sleep is all down to the personality of your baby i.e. luck.
I've had 4 ranging from terrible sleepers to age 2 to slept through by 9 weeks (by which I mean 10+ hrs/night reliably) and it was nothing clever I had done.

Re routines: some babies take to them, some don't

Your baby will soon have you trained

My brother said those exact words to me; "just you wait!", when I was gushing about 2 day old DD1. Twat. Some people are smug fuckers who can't wait to see you struggle. On the other hand, some parents-to-be have completely unrealistic expectations about their lives carrying on as normal. It sounds as though you're being realistic though, so you'll be fine.

Try the routine thing, and even if it doesn't work and your baby is a terrible sleeper (sadly one of those luck-of-the-draw things), then you'll find a way to deal with it that works for you. Good luck with the birth and the early days :)

I've had some really comments that do not match up with reality (for medical reasons I am one of the last of my peers to have a child). Like, the person saying them saves them just for me. For example over the last few months:

1. You will never wear make up or nail polish again, you will look like a 'mum' because that is what 'mums' look like: bin all your Topshop and H&M. with a bit of judgement about shallow mums This was said at a dinner party by someone dolled up to the nines with 3 kids, hence my did she just mean me. She also claimed I was too chavvy for NCT because I wore leopard print.

2. Your husband won't be physically interested in you anymore, he might have an affair. Made me a bit :( this one, a very sad and personal thing for them. But then again most of my other mum friends blame lack of time etc' rather than DH falling out of love for their lack of 'action'. Which isn't the same. And their husbands as far as I know haven't philandered.

3. In the first 3 months your ability to cope will be so low you won't be able to patch together basic food for yourself (cereal being the example) so expect just to eat junk, and the HV will be shocked at your home. This time I shyly suggested that my DH can and does do 50/50 chores and understands he will be doing way more at that time.. This was ignored.

These are the 'good' ones. I'm an older pregnancy and I work with families, some of whom struggle. I never gush (or mention at all) about parenting theories or anything because I know anything can happen and going with the flow will probably save stress. The plans I do have are 'bog standard' - year off for maternity, hope to BF but see what happens ... I don't have any crazy expectations.

The thing is that you cannot come back when you haven't had a baby yet or you seem completely ignorant.
Even if you know (these are IRL longterm friends) the background is that they have a DH who doesn't 'do' helping out, or they had PND, or a player husband ... then they say something which could happen but is a bad case, but they say it like it's 'normal'.

I have friends with large families, multiples, baby + demanding freelance jobs and children with pronounced special needs who have been much more positive about it all, interestingly.

My DS was sleeping through the night at 10 weeks old. Maybe that had some bearing on
Me falling pregnant with DD at around the same time

She was a different story however, she was well over 1 before she did. It's all luck really

Gennz sorry my reply was a bit snappy. Sore subject! I really do wish you all the best. Babies can be hard work but it's the best thing that ever happened to me

Although it is with great guilt I admit to being the baby who - after a sleepy first month- has never slept through since. Ever. I wake every 2 hours like clockwork and always have.
Been to see doctors and experts. My mum would wake in the night sometimes, think we had an intruder but discover me sitting in the living room playing Mario with the sound off.
My health is fine.

And most importantly my mum went straight back to sleep!

Under the circumstances I'm viewing their inability to cure me as an advantage.

I never felt sleep deprived with my first, she fed in the night but was doing 10 hr stretches by 3 months old. Even then she only fed for 15 mins then was straight back down. I also lost all weight very quickly and went back to normal body shape despite my sister telling me my arse would be massive afterwards because hers was, plus no saggy boobs or belly like a lot of my friends told me I would have! My house was bloody immaculate because my dd slept so much I had nothing else to do but clean! I used to get up in the morning before she woke up and get a shower or had one when hd came home so never understood people who said they didn't wash! Also used to put makeup on while she was sat next to me in bouncer asleep so no problem there either! She's not been a walk in the park by any means, I have days of her being just awful when she's teething but it's not often.

People just love to tell you the bad bits it's like the people who like to tell horrific birth stories to pregnancy women I can't see how it is in anyway helpful at all. I have three dc and am pregnant with number four I have a pretty tidy house,make a home cooked meal most nights, wear make up every day and usually have my nails painted and this is pretty normal among my friends (if they want to wear make up and paint nails)

Dd1 slept 7-7 from 9 weeks with a dream feed at 11
Dd2 slept 7-7 from 6 months
Ds1 slept 7-7 from 10 weeks with a dream feed at 11

None have them have ever woken when teething and only occasionally if ill so you are not destined to never sleep again.

Oh and with dd2 I put on 4 stone and lost it all and a bit more was on my way to loosing the five stone I put on with Ds but fell pregnant again!

You do need to expect to be up through the night in the first 6 weeks. They don't know day from night yet and they're programmed to stimulate your milk production at night. But beyond that yes, I'd say we've had our DS sleeping from 7.30pm until a further feed at 10.30pm, then 11pm till 7am 95% of the time...with the 10.30pm feed dropped at about 9 months. He's now 3. DS2 about to arrive so who knows if we'll achieve that again, but I would say that when you have a professional career and know you are going back to work and you need to get the sleep routine sorted you do have a very strong motivation to get these routines right from the beginning and not give in when its tough. Which is always going to be a very different approach from SAHMs etc.

I had all kinds of forboding messages from other people that just haven't been relevant. Now I'm getting the "you were lucky first time" messages. But I also get the judgy comments now about how little time I must spend with DS1 when I get home from work at 5.30 and he is down from 7.30. Everyone has an opinion on all things parenting, get used to it! (And I secretly judge people keeping their DC up later for depriving their children of sleep and brain development time, ha ha!)

The other one that gets me is "you say you'll go back to work but you'll be so bonded, you won't want to" and then when I say I like working/have worked hard at my career/think it's important to work "you say that now... just you wait" with smug know-it-all expression.

The lady who is covering for me for maternity has her own DCs. She is very frank about loving her job, and claims people who cannot understand that you miss your kids but enjoy being respected and doing well at work are vastly over simplifying. She's furious with the internalised sexism of the issue, which keeps women from going for promotion as id they're not supposed to enjoy being 'them' and 'intellectual/physical' anymore.

She's actually been one of my sources of really sensible advice.