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Original poster

Was childbirth so bad you wanted to die?

122 replies

HeartofSlices · 18/08/2014 13:22

My DM and DSis had very easy births, think under 2 hrs, too quick for drugs. DM had four children, DSis expecting #2. I'm expecting DC3.

I also a similar sort of births and DM and DSis are SO negative about their births, even though they were completely quick and textbook, both saying that it was so bad they wanted to die. I was talking about a friend who is expecting her first DC and wants a waterbirth and they think I should warn her and keep scoffing that she has "no idea".

I have never had a waterbirth and haven't a clue whether it helps with pain. It's not something that appeals to me but I understand that it does appeal to her and I know quite a few friends who have loved theirs. When I was pregnant with my first I hated all that "you have no idea" crap, it's so rude. I'm not going to do it myself!

But DM and DSis think I am doing my friend a disservice talking about my experience honestly and saying that yes it was painful, but not as bad as I had imagined or as bad as it looks when you see it on TV. Obviously I have also said that this is just MY experience, and my friend isn't daft. But I don't want to lie to her. DM and DSis insist that I was "lucky" because I didn't feel like I wanted to die, and that is the experience of everyone else.

So is it? Did you think it was so bad you wished for death rather than continue?

OP posts:

middlings · 19/08/2014 13:41

I made the mistake of letting DH touch the controls of the tens machine when I was in labour with DD1.

Sufficed to say it's a miracle he was able to contribute to the creation of DD2.

MsBug · 19/08/2014 13:48

A personal highlight of my labour was dp trying to adjust the tens machine and getting it stuck to his fingers giving him electric shocks the whole time.

i definitely wasn't in too much pain to laugh at that

redexpat · 19/08/2014 13:54

No I didnt want to die. I thought appendicitis was worse actually. Everyone has different pain thresholds though, surely your DM and DSis are aware of that? I have very little time for doom mongerers.

middlings · 19/08/2014 13:55

I was sick during both my labours during transition. But the MW during labour with DD1 said I hadn't helped myself by spending too much time with the gas and air thing in my mouth, which made me dry out, and then downing a cup of water, which promptly came back up (maybe, or maybe I was just being sick because I was in transition).

Cut to labour with DD2 and about half an hour before her quite rapid arrival, I was sick, y'know at the "I'd like an epidural please, either that or give up and go home" stage. "D"H, who of course, at his second experience of labour is now a fucking consultant obstetrician, said, "you're spending too much time on the gas and air, that's why you're sick."

The feeling of satisfaction after I had mainlined gas and air while the MW did a (ahem) tidy-up and didn't throw up was nearly as good as having given birth.

(The author would like to note that she does love her DH very much and he is a fabulous father and husband with only occasional tendencies towards numptiness.)

walde · 19/08/2014 13:59

I found it helpful to hear that it might be so painful I would want to die. On the day it was nowhere near as bad as I expected, so I was really happy!
Everyone has such a different experience : baby's position, how quickly you dilate, plus the effect of hormones on your body, drugs, stress...

I think my contractions weren't very painful compared to others' partly because of my well positioned baby, I was relaxed, a long slow Labour, and I think my body produced a LOT of those happy hormones...oxytocin? Endorphins? I felt on top of the world afterwards, but my friend who had a fast, painful Labour didn't experience this.

That's the reason it annoys me when people compete over how painful/painfree their Labour was. It's just the luck of the draw.

ithoughtofitfirst · 19/08/2014 14:13

middling the transition is such a weird experience! Loads of women vomit apparently. I definitely started to go a bit loopy

Greenstone · 19/08/2014 14:30

Somebody described feeling like they couldn't get 'on top of' the pain - that's a great description and it's something I definitely felt, and when I couldn't get on top of the pain, I panicked. At that stage I certainly wished for blankness or nothingness, if not exactly death....I also note in hindsight that at that stage I wasn't really thinking about the baby at all, it was all about myself and my own pain!

I had quite a fast labour too, and tbh I was deeply shocked by how painful the contraction stage was, having Ina May-d myself into delusion beforehand. I think I got quite frightened when the midwife insinuated I had hours to go yet, when in fact I was actually in transition. Fear made the pain spiral out of control.

It was a totally textbook birth, though, it must be said, and getting a late epidural brought so much calm to me and the room and to DD's birth. I'd like to avoid an epidural this time around so am trying to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I won't have that little break of calm, no-pain.

ohthegoats · 19/08/2014 14:34

I wonder what the evolutionary point of going nuts in transition is all about? Lots of my colleagues have talked about wanting to go home, actually packing bags and trying to walk out, falling asleep, panicking and doing a lot of swearing and yelling - one of them ripped (literally tore) her nightie off. Why would nature want us to go nuts? Maybe to scare away predators OHs . Haha.

walde · 19/08/2014 14:37

It's interesting that people with fast "textbook" labours don't necessarily feel that positive about it. And on the other hand people who have long labours or a "cascade of intervention" don't necessarily feel that that was a negative experience. My first Labour was much longer but it felt like a better experience just because of how I coped with the pain. 2nd time was shorter (still 12 hours!)but I didn't feel in control of it and I was scared.

walde · 19/08/2014 14:40

I don't remember how transition felt but I did go all primal when I was ready to push. I ripped off the tens machine, shoved the gas and air mouthpiece away, got naked, ignored everyone and their stupid suggestions and opinions and just got on with the job in hand. It was very animalistic.

Greenstone · 19/08/2014 14:50

ohthegoats - falling asleep in transition? Now that's a reaction I'd like to have!

walde Yes it is interesting because it goes up against the rather strident ideologies that exist around birth. For this pregnancy, every medical practioner I've met so far has looked at my notes and said 'oh, didn't you do well last time around!' - full of 'praise' for the quick labour, no stitches, no instruments, immediate breastfeeding, and quick discharge experience I had.

So how come I spent ages feeling a bit like a failure for having 'succumbed' to the epidural? . I don't know, because as a pp said, a birth without pain relief doesn't necessarily mean one without assistance or interventions, and vice-versa.

Every birth is different, every birth is different, every birth is different...

museumum · 19/08/2014 14:55

I didn't notice transition at all and I almost 'breathed the baby out' - when I went to hospital at 8cm I laboured in the pool and then finally felt on one of the contractions that I should push a wee bit.
My waters broke at that stage and had meconium in them so the MWs made me climb out of the pool but I honestly think that ds would have come on the next contraction very easily if they'd left me alone. As it was I climbed out and had two pushing contractions to get him out.

ohthegoats · 19/08/2014 15:00

My SIL had a slow labour the first time, managed with the pool then G&A and an episiotomy (but no instruments). Second time at 6pm knew she was starting labour, by 11pm it had started getting painful so she sent my brother to bed so he could get some sleep - she said she was thinking that she had at least 12 hours of that before she needed to do anything.

Baby born in triage at 2.36am, 15 minutes after my mum had arrived at their house, 20 minutes drive from the hospital. SIL said it was far, far more scary than the first one - not just because of the logistics, but also because it ramped up to painful really quickly.

bronya · 19/08/2014 15:16

Childbirth hurts, and isn't very pleasant in other ways either. But you get the most amazing product at the end of it, and all the worrying in the world won't make it any better - so why bother? By full term you're so heavy and fed up anyway, that it's great to know you'll soon be alone in your own body, and that helps a lot!

Greenstone · 19/08/2014 15:21

By full term you're so heavy and fed up anyway, that it's great to know you'll soon be alone in your own body, and that helps a lot!

That is so true. I can't wait!

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 19/08/2014 15:30

I fell asleep between contractions in my water birth. It was very odd - I went really inwards and kind of shut off. I slept literally seconds at a time but I really was asleep. I did spend a bit of time out of the pool, sitting in the dark on the toilet. I had an instinctive need to hide and only got coaxed back into the pool on the grounds that I didn't want my baby to be born in a toilet! Second birth, out of water, I panicked at transition and definitely did not sleep! And that time I had gas and air which did make me vomit. So I had to stop and do the last bit without. I can't think of any evolutionary reason for the weird reactions to transition, I guess it's just the body responding to such an intense and overwhelming experience.

CheerfulYank · 19/08/2014 16:59

I threw up too. Not sure if it was nerves though.

I didn't speak for a few hours with DS (my first). I felt like I was an animal in some deep dark cave somewhere and I realized that it was just me, that only I could do this. I felt mad. I couldn't, as I said before, get on top of the pain so I just dove into it and lost my mind. Wouldn't speak to anyone beyond a couple of nods if needed.

But then DH put a cold pop bottle on my head to try and cool me down. I didn't like it and growled "get...that...OFF" and I swear, it sounded exactly like those cheesy horror movies, where a demon speaks from someone's mouth?

The doctor turned slowly and stared at me a bit fearfully :o

CheerfulYank · 19/08/2014 17:00

I do wish we had gas and air! It sounds lovely.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/08/2014 20:34

Gas and air is great stuff I thought I was fishing for mackerel and saw polar bears wearing socks while I was on the g&a

weebairn · 19/08/2014 20:45

I was falling asleep between contractions in the pushing stage. I was just so so exhausted (had been 30 hours at that point, though pushing stage was actually quite quick). I remember waking up and there were these random strange women saying "push!" and I was like "who are you?"

I think I had an out of body experience too.

weebairn · 19/08/2014 20:47

I found transition hellish because the antenatal classes implied transition was about 10 minutes or something of going mental and feeling like you couldn't cope - I was about 4 hours between 9 and 10cm. I stopped using the gas and air as it wasn't helping. Boyfriend was helpful, though. Very very helpful words.

Plateofcrumbs · 20/08/2014 06:54

I fell asleep between contractions at pushing stage too - which is testament to level of exhaustion rather than lack of pain. Having said that I found the pain at that stage the easiest to cope with (and with no pain relief) as you're channelling it all into pushing - it was more like intense effort than pain. The hardest bit was during pushing stage when they wanted me to stop pushing - the pain then was horrid.

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