Was childbirth so bad you wanted to die?

[HeartofSlices]

My DM and DSis had very easy births, think under 2 hrs, too quick for drugs. DM had four children, DSis expecting #2. I'm expecting DC3.

I also a similar sort of births and DM and DSis are SO negative about their births, even though they were completely quick and textbook, both saying that it was so bad they wanted to die. I was talking about a friend who is expecting her first DC and wants a waterbirth and they think I should warn her and keep scoffing that she has "no idea".

I have never had a waterbirth and haven't a clue whether it helps with pain. It's not something that appeals to me but I understand that it does appeal to her and I know quite a few friends who have loved theirs. When I was pregnant with my first I hated all that "you have no idea" crap, it's so rude. I'm not going to do it myself!

But DM and DSis think I am doing my friend a disservice talking about my experience honestly and saying that yes it was painful, but not as bad as I had imagined or as bad as it looks when you see it on TV. Obviously I have also said that this is just MY experience, and my friend isn't daft. But I don't want to lie to her. DM and DSis insist that I was "lucky" because I didn't feel like I wanted to die, and that is the experience of everyone else.

So is it? Did you think it was so bad you wished for death rather than continue?

No. it wasn't.

With the first one I would have been quite happy to die, it was that painful. It took me 10 years to have another, after which point it was easy (water birth).

Actually, pregnant with DC1, this is quite a useful thread. People don't talk about how much labours can differ so that's probably worth expressing to your friend, OP. Personally I'm hoping for a waterbirth in a MLU (but realise there's lots of reasons why that might not happen) but mainly because I think travelling an hour to the hospital then being in a big intimidating hospital wouldn't help me to cope with the pain one little bit. The 'women have been doing it for thousands of years thing' winds me up though. People have been coping with death for thousands of years, doesn't make it fun or less inevitable!

No Ruth you're right, that phrase doesn't always help everyone, but to me it makes me think, right need to stop moaning, I knew when I wanted to get pregnant that the baby had to come out somehow, so just get on with it hahaha

No, but I never wanted to eat spaghetti bolognese again and kept making DH promise he wouldn't make it again. I had it for dinner the night before I went into labour and couldn't face it again for ages. I had a quick water birth with G&A if that helps.

As a FTM I read mumsnet birth boards before I spoke to real life people about what happened. This was because I know someone with serious birth trauma who had only ever read Ina May etc' before her first child and believed you could always breathe away the pain.

I was genuinely surprised when I asked what happened that it was 50/50 epidurals/non epidurals for first births among my friends! I assumed it would be so horrific and cruel in a hospital I'd not be able to handle it (and yet, being in a hospital would mean needless interventions... so I was screwed basically).

I had no idea until I spoke to people that any FTM I knew could 'handle' birth without epidurals up until then. And those who had epidurals did not have terrible times either at the hands of 'evil doctors' - even with EMCs or other interventions they felt looked after. I learned lots they don't tell you (e.g. vonteuse doesn't 'gently ease' the baby out, they pull bloody hard, if baby is back to back re-think pain relief on the way in...) which I think they should tell at ante natal classes.

Actually it was real life people saying you "could" have your 1st in a MLU without guaranteeing you be the naive laughing stock for ever more that has made me ask to try a water birth (a few doors down the corridor from the drugs, I'm well aware it's 50/50!!).

It was painful and very intense, but I never wanted to die and it never really felt like more than I could deal with.

I thought I was dying and my dd too but that's because things went wrong, no one's fault and ended in emcs. I was out of my mind with pain in labour, I could hear but couldn't speak and had tunnel vision. But I would never tell anyone this is the norm because I know I was just unlucky. And yes the 'women have been doing it for thousands of years' thing just gives me the rage and is unhelpful - me and dd would be dead if 21st century medical support hadn't been available. All I'd say to first timers is you don't know what it's going to be like so just go with the flow and be prepared for your preferences/plans to change as things progress. Most likely all will be fine and if it's not then that's when the trained professionals around you come into their own. Everyone's experience really is different.

First time yes. I thought I was going to die. I have never ever felt pain like that (consultant pulling dd out with all his strength using forceps and a half working epidural).

Second time no. But I had a fully working epidural.

No, didn't feel anywhere near wanting to die! I had three short, pretty easy labours (first one was induced on the drip) and used g&a first time and nothing the second and third time. And that wasn't me being a lentil-weaving hippy and wanting to fully experience it, the pain just genuinely wasn't bad enough for me to need anything. I had home water births for the second and third ones and they were lovely. We were chatting and laughing in between contractions and active labour for each was probably no longer than an hour. I felt euphoric and would much much much prefer labour and birth to pregnancy.

No I didn't want to die but it was the most hideously awful pain I've ever experienced. Labour second time was two days without epidural so I was also shattered. I'm not doing it again.

I hated it and thank God I ended up with an EMCS - DH was told that either our baby or I (or both) could die. Fortunately neither of us did. But I would never, ever have put myself through that again and am full of awe that anyone goes on to have a second child .

That doesn't really answer your question, I do think there is a lot of 'tosh' about how easy child birth is and no one really tells the truth, but if you had an easy birth then there is no need to lie about your own experience.

Genuine question to those of you who had a horrific experience first time - why did you put yourselves through it again?

You could say it's useful to hear because then you know that if you DO feel like you want to die during labour you're not mad or actually going to die because other people have felt it too.

For me knowing that something is going to be really awful helps me manage it a bit more.

I do think all that scoffing 'no idea' stuff isn't helpful though. Apart from anything else I think water births can be v beneficial.

My first I did want to die, and said it to DP several times, the pain was god awful but quite a few things went wrong there including a failed epidural (but still wasn't allowed to move) and MW's keeping the syntocin up full for hours and hours while my cx were 7 in 10 minutes. I can honestly say I wanted to die and I begged for forceps and had episiotomy, stitches and forceps with no anasthetic (doesn't work on me hence the epidural).

My second was pretty easy, and was one of those "on 2 paracetamol and no G&A" births, I was honestly shocked.

Really, the second should have been worse, it was a pre-term labour and my waters had went about 4 days earlier and I had 2 hours sleep from the moment they went, ended up with infection and even ended up having the drip again once cx were well established but then stopped (they stopped again even with the drip up and I had to do the pushing stage without as I had already started pushing). And I ended up under GA for manual removal of placenta and had to have a blood transfusion.

That birth was fine though and I look over it as a lovely memory.

Sometimes the pain is much worse for others or for different births, if I had the second birth the first time the I probably wouldn't have imagined it could feel so bad either, especially with less complications.

I think I probably said 'I want to die' at some point during labour but didn't actually mean it. What I meant is that the pain was excruciating and I wanted relief.

This thread has made me think, prior to having DD I had no friends with children other than SIL who had a home birth, quick and no pain relief. I read Ina May, did NCT and only redd positive happy birth stories. I planned a home birth and was incredibly relaxed about the whole thing. Luckily my mum pre warned me I might want some pain relief in the house 'just in case' and so I got some more to placate her than anything.

Quite honestly I was happy with the way I approached it but unsurprisingly all did not go to plan. DD was back to back and I laboured at home for 24 hours before even a centimetre dilated. It was very painful, each contraction I said I felt like being stabbed in my back. The hypnoborthing helped to calm me but ultimately I was in a lot of pain for a very long time. Thankfully I had the pethudine at home as the midwife bought nothing (no G&A). I then got transferred to hospital as she was concerned and laboured for another 30 hours due to position of baby. For me it was the exhaustion that really pushed it. I had an epidural eventually which was delightful.

What I would say is that altho knowing how painful it would be before hand wouldn't have helped I think knowing the signs of slow and back to back labour would have. I felt conned that my NCT teacher and home midwifes hadn't given me any info on what to do / how I would feel and so I probably did at some point think I might die. I think had I mentally been more aware of problems that arise I would have coped better with the pain and not felt like i was failing at a 'natural birth' which is what I felt like.

I has a third degree tear but the actual birth/ crowning was almost painless for me in comparison to contractions so I think perhaps the back to back labour was just unlucky.

It hurt a lot but I shall do It again possibly with a ELCS or with pain relief most likely. But I feel a lot more able second time around, I won't put unrealistic expectations on myself and will see that the event throws at me.

I prayed for death during my first labour. I also prayed for the strength to get through the birth so that I could hunt down the inhumane MWs and doctors that tortured me for hours. I can still see their faces and hear their cruel laughter as I begged for pain relief. They waved their scissors and cut me without consent. I remember a MW clanging the forceps together in my face and telling me that I would "get these" if I didn't hurry up.

On a positive note, I had counselling and my murderous thoughts have nearly disappeared. I gave birth to my other babies at home, with no interference from HCP. Bliss.

I had a long but straightforward labour and I really struggled for the last 6 hours or so of contractions, from about 8cm.

I didn't think I was going to die. In fact I wasn't scared at all. Just really bloody hurt.

I didn't listen to any negative stories beforehand and I think that helped me a bit. Though, I don't know if it would have if I had had to have a lot of interventions.

I didn't even nearly want to die. I had a water birth. I was exhausted after the first 12 hours but got a grip on my panic and a second wind and stayed home till I was 8cm. Four hours in the pool and it was fine really (about 24hrs of proper contractions in total).

All through the last big if pregnancy I just thought - it's only about a day of my life, however awful it is.
I wanted to be mobile and upright and in the water so for that reason wanted to avoid epidural but was willing to changes mind, especially if I had needed induction. But I found the tens, pool and g&a, along with some serious breathing to be sufficient.

Nope, boring, a bit painful and a bit scary the first time and less scary and a bit annoying the second.

DD2 forgot about the gaps between contractions and my tea went cold

I don't remember the pain, I was very quiet apparently... I honestly think I kind of blacked out case I really can't remember it being bad. I remember feeling shocked by everything. Like when they told me to start pushing i was really confused and apparently asked really infantile questions.

I'm not looking forward to this birth. I was a second child and born with 45 minutes of first contraction. My mum said she wished she was dead when in labour with me. Joy.

Yes. It was my 1st btw.

More than wanting to die, the pain felt so intense that I thought I would die from it. I'm very surprised that so many others on here don't feel the same way.

I've had 3, read a lot of birth stories and it's never crossed my mind that anyone could feel like this during childbirth.
Scaring your friend with your Dm and SIL's thoughts of death are totally unnecessary!

I think I was so out of it with the pain that I just felt confused and in shock. I think I thought I was already dead and in hell.

I wasn't even vaguely nervous about giving birth, I was quite excited, as I just knew that I could do it. Unfortunately I was wrong about that, it was about a thousand times worse than I thought it would be, then it went wrong and I ended with an emcs. I felt like a complete tit for being so naive.