Was childbirth so bad you wanted to die?

[HeartofSlices]

My DM and DSis had very easy births, think under 2 hrs, too quick for drugs. DM had four children, DSis expecting #2. I'm expecting DC3.

I also a similar sort of births and DM and DSis are SO negative about their births, even though they were completely quick and textbook, both saying that it was so bad they wanted to die. I was talking about a friend who is expecting her first DC and wants a waterbirth and they think I should warn her and keep scoffing that she has "no idea".

I have never had a waterbirth and haven't a clue whether it helps with pain. It's not something that appeals to me but I understand that it does appeal to her and I know quite a few friends who have loved theirs. When I was pregnant with my first I hated all that "you have no idea" crap, it's so rude. I'm not going to do it myself!

But DM and DSis think I am doing my friend a disservice talking about my experience honestly and saying that yes it was painful, but not as bad as I had imagined or as bad as it looks when you see it on TV. Obviously I have also said that this is just MY experience, and my friend isn't daft. But I don't want to lie to her. DM and DSis insist that I was "lucky" because I didn't feel like I wanted to die, and that is the experience of everyone else.

So is it? Did you think it was so bad you wished for death rather than continue?

[BikeRunSki]

With dc2, it was do bad I thought I was going to die. I had a uterine rupture and haemorrhage, and later found out that dd and I nearly did die.

[treaclesoda]

Oh, having said that, I certainly wouldn't tell a child free friend what it was like.

[VisualiseAHorse]

Yes, I thought I was going to die. I thought my hips and thigh bones were going to snap in two, and had someone handed me a gun I would have shot myself, my OH or the MW if you had told me it would stop the pain.

But that only lasted for about half an hour, once I got down to pushing I forgot. He s back to back, and it was a 14 hour labour. ( but I went from two cm to none in under four hours).

I cannot wait to do it again though.

[MsBug]

I didn't find it very painful, the recovery was worse for me (forceps delivery), although it was a long and drawn out labour I remember feeling exhausted and hungry!

However everyone's experience is different and there is a fine line between not wanting to set up unrealistic expectations that all you need to do is breathe properly and it will all be fine, and not wanting to terrify people when in all likelihood it won't be THAT bad.

[EthelredOnAGoodDay]

I didn't want to die, I did wonder if I maybe would though! It was pretty dire. But soon as they were born, all was well (even despite haemorage and traumatic third stage.) I found it incredibly painful, but labouring in water helped. And everyone is different!

[treaclesoda]

ragwort it took me five years to pluck up the courage to do it again, and that experience was hideous too, although for a different reason and now I know that I could never ever go through that again. In fact I was just thinking the other day that if I had lived a couple of generations ago with no access to contraception, I would honestly refuse to have sex ever again, that's how frightening I find the idea of another pregnancy.

Having said that, it's all over now, and my dc were definitely worth it.

[TinyMonkey]

Oh this is a great thread to have in the 'Pregnancy' section. How many women expecting their first child do you think have read this?

I don't think any woman is stupid enough to think that childbirth is going to be easy and pain free, but reading lots of posts saying 'yes I wanted to die/thought I was going to die' is about as unhelpful as you can get.

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

Fast water birth for me, no need for any pain relief. It was physically demanding but a serene and joyful experience. Second birth was a drip induction and more painful but still quick and only needed gas and air. I felt more panicked without the calming effect of water and at transition I changed my mind and said I didn't want to do it but when I started pushing, I calmed down.

My births were all about new life. I never thought of death.

Your friend should be well informed of her options and prepared to request pain relief if it's worse than she anticipates. She should know that if it doesn't go to plan, it's not her fault and doesn't mean she has failed. But the idea that a pregnant woman should be told their experience WILL be a particular way is ridiculous - all births are different.

[BeginnerSAHM]

There are plenty saying they didn't!! And I didn't want to die but it f-ing hurt. Not so much that I'm not prepared to do it a third time but I can't say I'm looking forward to it. The thing I think is useful for first time mums is the advice to be open minded about pain relief. So many women I know (in my antenatal group and friends) were adamant they were going to have a 'natural' birth with only gas and air (plus a fairly detailed birth plan about what they wanted to happen) and then were incredibly upset when they 'succumbed' to agreeing to an epidural or something else. Some of them were really upset about it for months afterwards and felt failures which I think is really really sad. There are plenty of examples of women who felt the could manage on just gas and air and had relatively straightforward births but thinking positive on its own isn't necessarily the best option. It obviously doesn't hurt and can be helpful but I think it's really useful to be open minded too. (As an aside, I bl**dy wish i could 'breathe' babies out. Still haven't met anybody who actually did that and loads of my friends tried hypnobirthing.)

When I was a first time mother I wanted to know what it was really like. I'd have been totally shocked if I'd only listened to the positive stories. Actually, despite being aware of how much it can hurt, I was still pretty shocked. However, despite it being very painful, for most women, most mothers go on to do it again so it's obviously not bad enough to put us off. And women's bodies can do it, even though it might feel at the time like they can't.

[treaclesoda]

I was going to say that too, I think the vast majority of people are saying 'no, it wasn't that bad'. And I only answered truthfully because a specific question was asked, I would never tell a pg friend my birth story.

[chickydoo]

Yes the first time.

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

beginner problem is no pain relief doesn't mean you could breath the baby out either. I don't get why the natural birth proponent is so sure that one leads to another? Historically people surely don't have that much pain relief? But mortality with childbirth is quite high. That means the baby must have got stuck somehow isn't it? (I'm not a historian so feel free to correct me). These poor women in the past must have wished they have the intervention available for is today.

I didn't use anything except a tens machine. I was given one hour to push. Not sure why they picked one hour but it could be because of the very long labour. I just couldn't push it out despite my best effort. I just didn't have the urge to push and no drugs were involved. I didn't get any crowning pain either. (At least nothing that can be described as a ring of fire). I was told it was +2 when they used a ventouse so that must mean it has crowned?

Anyway I think there are those who didn't find it that painful. But having no pain relief doesn't mean you will get a natural birth either.

I was up on my feet too.

[IUsedToUseMyHands]

I do think you are being unfair to your DM and DSis in overruling their birth experiences. They clearly didn't have very easy births if they felt like they wanted to die, even if they were short and 'textbook'. I had a relatively short labour with just gas and air, baby born in water in a MLU, no stitches. But the pain was excruciating. I was delirious, completely out of control of my own body. Couldn't bend, sit, squat or lie down, just jabbering to myself incoherently and sobbing. Afterwards, everyone minimised my experience, saying it was by far the easiest birth they'd heard of, which made me feel like I had to minimise it too. Everyone's experience is different, you can't just say oh 2 hours no pain relief it must have been a walk in the park.

[coffeetofunction]

I remember think at one point that yes I was going to dye!! It was only 2 weeks ago tho

[CheerfulYank]

Dc1, no.

DC2, a little. But knowing I'd done I before made me know I could do it again.

I just kept saying "it's one day. It's just onnnee day. It'll all be over tomorrow." :)

DC2 was a face up birth and got stuck and that was terribly painful. I begged for a c-section but didn't get one.

I remember with both of them just wanting to focus, to "get on top of" the pain somehow, but there was no way. It was too bug and I felt mad from it.

I want to do it again though. :)

[EugenesAxe]

No; I did think it hurt a lot though. Haven't RTFT but it may be because they were quick - from what I hear that can make the pain a lot worse. Also if you haven't time to get used to the pain you may get a bit melodramatic about things and say something like that.

I never managed to have water births but sure they must help - warm water always soothes doesn't it? I don't think it would hurt (no pun intended) to warn your friend that it's likely to be pain much worse than she's expecting, but at the same time reassure her that she will get through it. I went to the hospital quite early because I was paranoid I might be on much further than I was, due to the pain.

[BeginnerSAHM]

Totally agree onelittletoddle.... I don't know anybody who has breathed their baby out. Pain relief or not.

[OneLittleToddleTerror]

cheerful when did you ask for the c-section? Once the baby is down the birth canal, they can't easily do a c-section. A friend is a trainee consultant and has worked in maternity. (She is going for gynaecology). She said her most horrific birth experience as a doctor was a baby that got stuck in virgin so birth. They performed a c-section and couldn't get the baby back out either. Many doctors where called in trying to manuveor the baby back up. Her description was graphic involving lots of pulling and yanking. The baby needed to go to neonatal. She doesn't know,what happened to the mum. She said both was hurt definitely.

It's this story that really stuck in my head. Ofc it's very very rare. But don't wish for a EMCS when you are already quite far along in your labour. This is my worst fear!

[MsBug]

Ime people who have quick births find them more painful.

mine was long and exhausting but not really painful. I think if the contractions build up slowly you get used to them or have time to get an epidural in. If they come on quickly it must be more of a shock.

[ACM88]

As I'm expecting DC1 it's interesting to read all the different views.

The best I think I can hope for, is that I feel confident and comfortable to deal with any pain that comes my way. Not adverse to using any kind of pain relief. Having this thread titled was childbirth so bad you wanted to die? Is not really what I wanted to hear...but reading the posts it's seems those people that felt that had encountered long births or complications...touch wood everything has been plain sailing in pregnancy so far, so hope for a relatively stress-free birth!!

There needs to be a balance with birthing stories, no two births are the same x

[MrsPatMustard]

Yep. I distinctly remember thinking I would happily let someone hit me in the head with a shovel until I blacked out, just to be free of the pain. I begged for an epidural and didn't get one because the hospital was short-staffed.

To be honest, I think I suffered a bit of birth trauma because I was re-living in my head every night for about 3 months.

I think birth is one of those things that varies wildly from individual to individual - I'm happy for those women who say 'it wasn't that bad', but I certainly couldn't agree with them.

[ohthegoats]

This is an ace thread for FTMs. Haha.

Anecdotally, friends tell me it's obviously painful... but then their stories begin to change as time goes on. They sort of forget the pain bit, and instead their birth stories are more about any interventions they've had, or the 'left overs' from instrumental births etc. It starts off with all the information, but gradually focuses on the bits that were less natural. I suppose that evolutionarily that's how things should be, otherwise people wouldn't have more than one!

[middlings]

's alright ACM88 everyone has a different experience and to boot, everyone has a different way of describing the same event.

I never felt like I wanted to die. But I did feel like punching DH's lights out when, contraction app in hand, he kept saying, "has it started, has it started, has it started.....is it finished, are you sure, is it finished?"

Don't get one of those. THAT was the most painful experience of either of my labours!!

[weeblueberry]

^ Yes yes.

I remember DP leaning in and breathing in these ridiculously long and controlled breaths and telling me that I would feel better if I matched his breathing.

After about twenty minutes of this I actually took a very limp swing at him which managed to pull out my canula, spraying blood all over the labour suite.

[ACM88]

Hahahahaha yes I would too want to punch anyone who kept saying that