Why are people so negative about parenting?

[youbuggerz]

Apparently I'll not have sleep for another 18 years, never have any money, won't celebrate my birthday, won't ever have time to have my hair done, won't be able to have nice furniture, will be fat for years, my career will end, I won't be able to have the same hairdresser, I'll never have sex again.....the list goes on and on of things I'll

Surely if it was that bad people wouldn't reproduce or would stop at one?

I actually disagree. Anticipating things going badly won't necessarily make them easier to deal with if they actually happen. However, preparing for the most likely challenges and hoping for the best is probably a better way of looking at it.

Why be miserable worrying about what might happen when it might not even happen??!!

I remember taking the first shower after giving birth to ds and thinking right that's it now... when I've finished this shower my life will never be the same again. That was really really scary but not really in a bad way. I just felt really overwhelmed and panicked. But it was all fine. Flash forward 2 years he's just cuddled up on the sofa watching mr bloom while I get our stuff ready for a trip to the park.

Take it one day at a time and it's fine!!

flip, that was just down to the particular career I had started to pursue - it involved spending a lot of time in various trouble spots around the world. Not feasible for a single parent (due to ex's aforementioned awfulness).

Thinkabouittomorrow but they are people talking about their REALITY. What they are saying on this thread is that they rarely go out, have less time etc'. I was talking about quite different, exaggerated, mean statements people can make in RL. I have been quite clear on the difference throughout.

So your examples have pretty much backed up what I was trying to say? I did say on this thread PP were saying realistic sounding stuff but what I was asking about was really, really negative stuff. I think there has been some misunderstanding.

I was quite clear about that throughout all my posts.

People here are giving realistic stories. I AM TALKING ABOUT RL BITCHES/BULLIES: NOT SAGE ADVICE. I think the OP was too.

The people I am on about in RL say things which (a) have words like "ever again" in them and/or (b) don't actually refer to their lives at all (i.e. "you'll never wear make up again" said by someone wearing makeup with polished nails and 2 DC: clearly she doesn't mean "in my experience", she means all you plebs ). Unfortunately there are people like that out there.

Biblio FB? Really! I have seen people block each other over mummy bitching before. And that was 2 mums (one kept posting pictures with slushy comments for all the SAHM and tagging the working-part-time-outside-the-home other mum as a dig).
I've had a certain person go - quite randomly - onto photos from my wedding and honeymoon (when I was slimmer and obviously dressed a bit more fancily than now) and leave comments about how I should treasure these photos as kids 'steal your looks' (I had not interacted with this person re either my pregnancy or my wedding, they just took it upon themselves to do that - and similar - several times). There's actually a thread on MN about the FB hassle people got.
And none of it was related to me mentioning I was pregnant at all. They knew, so they left comments like that unbidden.
In all cases the people who messaged me and said to ignore them were mums of kids under 5, who were offended.

I'm sorry to hear that bilbli

Having a supportive partner makes all the difference in the world to parenting.

Biblio for once my rather mundane career works in my favour IYSWIM... I work in a school. There's a childcare centre next door and we have a deal with them (also it's a very good/safe centre, of course).
When I was talking of work... in my case I meant my quite lo-fi unglam job.

OP could the people who've said those things actually be joking?

I read a really good set of books called The Best Friends Guide to ... Pregnancy, Surviving the first year of motherhood, toddlers and getting your life back after motherhood.

The author (Vicki Iovine) provides a frank and honest view of motherhood, giving examples of her own experience and that of her friends. Sometimes stating the worst case scenario and then the friend who was the exception to that.

It was a real eye opener and much better than the perfect image of motherhood often trotted out.

All of those things your friends have said are unlikely to happen to you, but some of them might. Better to be realistic than living in cloud cuckoo land.

Just take everything with a pinch of salt - negative comments, parenting advice and just do what suit you and your baby.

Babies love cushions.. nom nom. Cats and dogs do more damage to homes than babies do in my experience.

I've been thinking about squizita's point of view - I think I've had some of the same now I consider some individual's responses to me being pregnant. Mostly they were incredibly surprised that I was having children - I've been career and travel orientated all my life - and said a few things about 'You'll find it particularly hard because...' Some of the comments were backhanded compliments about my 'nice life' etc.

Realistically though, I've changed my life significantly a few times - career changes etc, been very skint while doing that, I've lived abroad on my own, I've done up houses on my own (again being skint), I've been really ill and confined to the house for a few months here and there. I've already 'coped' with the things that these people seem to love telling you that children bring - less money, less going out, upheaval, a non-perfect home, not much sleep etc. And to be honest pregnancy has given me time to get my head around all those things again, sometimes in the past I've gone in to them as a surprise - this time I feel as if I at least partly have my eyes open. I work with children, I've been around babies all my life.. I'm not a total moron. One of the people giving me 'oh nooooo, that's going to have a massive impact on your life blah blah, you'll hate the blah blah' was a woman whose baby I regularly took off her hands in the first few weeks just to give her a break when it was doing the endless bawling of reflux. It's like she forgot I knew how to handle a baby or something... maybe she can't remember.

I would say it's best to just not listen to much advice, or many comments - certainly not to take any of the personal stuff to heart. Easier said than done if you're hormonal or knackered, but every child is different, every life is different (thank god), no one knows how you'll deal with the rest of your life, not you, and certainly not semi-strangers on FB!

goats I don't even have a nice life though - I'm so boring I did one of those "how old are you inside" online silly tests and got a good 15 years older than my real age.

One thing I've found very interesting about one of the people who say upsetting things IRL is she also gives me advice which really clashes with everything all the other mums I know, MN, my own mum (who worked with babies too) etc' say.
Things like "don't buy a sling or a carrier. No one really uses them- everyone else is lying" (when as I understand they are very useful for hands-free as well as transport). And "Don't bother trying to breastfeed, your tits are the wrong shape..."
In my more preggo rage moments I almost wonder if she's trying to sabotage me in some way? Why would someone do that?
And again for the record, I'm not suggesting I know better than her... I'm suggesting people who do know because they're experienced mums have raised eyebrows at what she says and told me she is chatting shit exaggerating and giving advice they think would make things harder not easier. So I don't know, maybe she just has a very different parenting style from everyone else.
But the telling me I would never go out/look presentable while sipping wine in chanel lippy did make me rather at the time. Just me then love? Why not just come out with it and call me a smelly slattern.

Actually - on the topic of whether 'worst case' or 'best case' is worse for first timers; I find blase best-case terrifying!
It's like "you can get your baby to do what... err no pressure then!?!"

Some gems from my baby-expert (parent of multiples, life working with babies/toddlers):
"I had no problem BFing. I let DDad top up sometimes, wasn't going to affect my supply, Squizfamily babies feed every 2-3 hours and then some, that's why we have good bones..." Wah! what if my boobs are weedy and not these fountains of legend?
"Pfft, terries never leak if you fold and pin them correctly." Poonami due to Squiz nappy origami fail... or Squiz instant cheater with her pampers

Bless her she is trying to make me feel confident though!! :)

Squiz, sorry but your last post made me :o

I found breastfeeding to be one of the weirdest things ever at first, I thought right so you lift the baby up and it'll drink milk that's what boobs are for after all... ERM well that's how its meany to work, turns out that there's actually a learning curve those first few days, I actually asked the midwife if my nipples were too big lol

We've had several poonami situations, worst one was when I took DD along to a nappucino in a pretty new nappy only to discover a soaking wet sling (we do actually use one, I'm not lying honest!) Because said pretty nappy was supposed to be covered up by a boring white wrap. Oops!

We all feck it up from time to time, truth be told motherhood hasn't came naturally to me so I do find myself bewildered by the women who just take it in their stride.

I like to think I'm doing a reasonable job of not screwing my kids up too badly :o

I wish they were joking.

In terms of the hair appointment, the comment was "Oh you are at that hairdressers- you won't be able to afford that when you have a baby". My response was "Thankfully my DH pays for it" (actually he doesn't, i do and she knows nothing about my finances). She shouldn't have made the assumption.

I've got a black labrador he's already made a mess of my cushions (mental note that they need dry cleaning).

TBH the girl that said I wouldn't be able to have nice stuff anymore (another girl) I know is struggling financially and I think part of it is possibly envy that I have all the materialistic things that she doesn't and now I'm having a baby which is what she's always had and I haven't. Thats how I've looked at it.

However, we both made very different choices/paths in our lives and whilst she was having babies at 21, I was working in London in the city looking at her pictures of her on Facebook of her having coffees and snuggling with her baby whilst I was trying to meet someone (and failing) and envied her life. Now at 31, she's just had her 3rd DC and I'm on my 1st.

The comment about the cushions was made before I was even pregnant and before I had even been certain that i did want to have children.

I am settled on the belief that there are lots of different variables that come with having babies and the combination of all those variables will determine how you find the experience.

Though I have to say, I find negativity really much harder than someone who is unfailingly positive!

Fair point, squiz, some people are just bitches - if they weren't getting in digs about your future parenting hell, they'd be getting in digs about something else.

But also, if you're any bit insecure about your parenting (and most people are at some level, as per squtternut's point), there's a certain pleasure to had in playing the experienced old hand and warning newbies about the horrors ahead. Like soldiers hazing the new recruits.

A lot of the stuff in the first post also applies evenly to getting older. People forget about that.

I'm on maternity leave with a 15wo and 3yo. It is a huge rest compared to my job! My sleep is broken and there are stressful moments but it is nothing compared to the exhausting pressure of my job. Despite getting up several times a night, I am a million times more rested and relaxed than when at work. I can sit out in the garden bfing in the sunshine whilst toddler splashes in the paddling pool, I can snuggle on the sofa with them in front of a DVD - it's lovely!

I've learned to budget so actually feel like I have more money despite the income drop because I'm on top of it and don't fritter cash away.

Baby is ebf but I've been out for a couple of meals with friends leaving him with dh a d a bottle. We've been for meals out as a family and trips away.

Pregnancy and bfing do take a terrible toll on my figure but it's not permanent.

I had a miserable experience of pregnancy, one amazing birth and one tougher one, one bad start to bfing and one easy, average sleepers and lots of support through it all. It varies so much and I'd never be overwhelmingly negative or relentlessly positive - realistically, most people's experiences will be a mixture of good and bad, hard and easy - ultimately worth it!

squizita that person you're describing can't be well. It is not socially normal to be like that, to say things like that, to dig up photos on Facebook with the express purpose of belittling. That's patently weird - can you just get rid of her?!

Thankfully, I never experienced much negativity before I had my DC1. However, on a different parenting site, I did encounter the unfailingly positive rosy thing and I have to say I freaked the fuck out a bit because my experience was just so different from the reality that others were describing - in which their babies slept all night, their houses were clean, and they were going to Zumba classes 4 weeks after birth.

I really thought there was something wrong with me. I'd had a straightforward birth, so was physically well and lost all my weight immediately, and I had a supportive OH who did his share and nice family on both sides who cared about us. But still! I was also suddenly alone all day with an extremely tiny hungry EBF baby who didn't sleep and fed at least every 2 hours around the clock for many many weeks. Going to Zumba classes etc was like talk of another life.

Anyway, then I discovered MN and felt lots better. People were honest on here.

Life's great and easy now with my 2 year old. Nice clothes have always been important to me, I have a good PT job, and love going out for meals with friends where possible. But I still have had to change so much in the last 2.5 years. I've had to become mega organised, and much more dogged about housework and cooking, which can often feel a bit like domestic drudgery. I think that often when people give these extreme warnings what they are really talking about is the domestic drudgery stuff that comes along with having children - not the children themselves iykwim. And if they're really extreme it probably means they're not getting much support themselves, which would of course suck the joy out of anything.

I'm on maternity leave with a 15wo and 3yo. It is a huge rest compared to my job! My sleep is broken and there are stressful moments but it is nothing compared to the exhausting pressure of my job. Despite getting up several times a night, I am a million times more rested and relaxed than when at work. I can sit out in the garden bfing in the sunshine whilst toddler splashes in the paddling pool, I can snuggle on the sofa with them in front of a DVD - it's lovely!

THIS WILL BE ME IN OCTOBER!! Except not the paddling pool.

wee it's because I'm lazy. If I had higher standards regarding housework and tv watching it could be more challenging...

Oh, and I forgot to say that I don't own a single pair of jeans or trackie bottoms and have worn a dress and make up every day since the birth. There is just no point in generalising about this stuff!

My view on housework is that's why you have a boyfriend.

well, I don't watch much tv except in the first trimester when I had cbeebies on for 2 months sobbing on the floor - I go out more to libraries and parks and things and let toddler-monster destroy her natural environment… but I can't wait to spend time with my lovely babies when I'm not having to give every inch of my physical and mental stamina to sodding work.

What have jeans and tracksuit bottoms got to do with anything? [Confused]

I think someone's helpful friend said as a mother you only get to wear mum jeans and trackie bottoms, forever more.

Yes, it was mentioned upthread that mothers never wear dresses, only jeans and trackies.

wee I recognize that description of the first trimester (shudder).