Why are people so negative about parenting?

[youbuggerz]

Apparently I'll not have sleep for another 18 years, never have any money, won't celebrate my birthday, won't ever have time to have my hair done, won't be able to have nice furniture, will be fat for years, my career will end, I won't be able to have the same hairdresser, I'll never have sex again.....the list goes on and on of things I'll

Surely if it was that bad people wouldn't reproduce or would stop at one?

I think its not necessarily moaning, its just stating facts. PG women just take it as moaning.

The reality is, I have about one or two meals out alone with my DH every year. I've had about 3 lie ins in the past 8 years (all when I've been away without DCs and DH). We have only just stopped paying shedloads for childcare.

But tbh I don't really mind anymore . It is all totally worth it. But that doesn't mean its not true.

I think a lot of people with LOs wish they could temporarily time travel back to better appreciate the opportunities they had for sleep prior to DCs, gone for a few more meals out, or just enjoyed leaving the house quickly and easily.

Whenever I say one of the comments you mention, I think its almost like me telling the childless me to take advantage of the little things before they change (e.g. spend as day of pre baby ML in bed watching films, don't rush around tiring yourself out; go out for a leisurely lunch with DH etc).

I never understand why people say they don't get lie-ins if they are in a two parent family - how does that work?

Err yes I just commented to be a cow

Or maybe I just commented that some of the things you think are entirely ridiculous and are mocking people for are actually a reality for some people.

We can't pick and choose our child's personality or the positive/negative aspects of parenting we will have. No one in real life warned me about things like reflux, intolerances, colic or Velcro baby's if I had known about these things I wouldn't have felt like such a failure when the baby didn't fit in with my best laid plans and I probably wouldn't have ended up struggling with PND.

Right now you have your ideals in your head and that s great but don't assume that everything will go your way and please don't mock people whose children don't fit in with what you think is acceptable.

Not one person has came on here being purely negative, everyone has said it was worth it and explained why and the only sarcy comments I've seen are from the other side.

Fledermaus trying to have a long lie with a toddler stomping about is impossible for me and my sleep pattern is decked so I struggle to sleep past 8 anyway.

Everyone is different but I found life with a newborn bliss compared to life heavily pregnant and working... so telling me to make the most of it while pregnant wasn't massively helpful.

I think it's good to be realistic though and any amount of help you can recruit in advance is brilliant. And far more useful than material things. And this is the worst time for your partner to suddenly decide to work more.

I managed to do all sorts with an exclusively breastfed baby who slept well... sometimes! Regular exercise and meals out and some tamer socialising and a gig for my birthday etc. my mum was helpful and my baby was fairly easy going. I also didn't sleep much with the night feeding but I found bf hormones really chilled me out and I napped lots instead. Of course I had bad days too.

I do know lots of people who found the newborn phase very hard and perhaps had 'harder' babies, but it's not a given!

6 30 is a lie in in this house :)

On the flip side my toddler has always gone down easily in the evenings and me and boyfriend have almost always been able to cook and eat and talk and have sex of an evening.

I will say get a sling and just accept it if your baby doesn't want to be put down. You can do most things with a baby in a sling and it's a lot less stressful than trying to put down a newborn who wants to be held...

I

I second the sling actually, saved my sanity on more than one occasion :o

I have a great social life about once a month me and dp go out drink far too much and dance on tables till stupid o'clock in the morning it helps us remember who we are when sometimes it's easy to forget when you are in the middle of raising little ones. Other nights out are still fun but maybe not so crazy!
We still have sex reasonable often and take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend.
Some days are challenging so far today I've been woken up at 6.30, my 10 month old has opened the door on his head,my three year old has had a tantrum over nothing and I've still got a school run to do, oh and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. But do you know what it's life and if I spend my time moaning about it I would feel worse.
I had choices and I chose to have four kids and be a sahm and I wouldn't change it for the world. Children are a blessing and we choose yo have them, of course we all need a moan from time to time that's totally normal but scaring the life out of new parents is pointless and a bit mean! :)

I can understand you trying to balance all the negative with positive. But what is likely happening is exactly what has happened on this thread. People who have kids react to parents to be who imagine nothing changes with wry laughter and an overpowering urge to tell them they are wrong.

But as you say parents have a second so it can't be all bad.

I think it is healthy to go in with a determination that adult life won't be over. It will help you make it happen. But do also be prepared fora HUGE change. Because the first few years are a very big change.

At 9 months I was getting 4-5 hours of broken sleep at night, almost collapsing at work and literally seeing stars. A nice afternoon out was not on the cards. Any time I had to myself I slept.

But now at 2 life is a breeze.

Mind you after DD walked head long into the sofa with an ice cream yesterday I'm quite glad I put off getting a new sofa!

It's a kind of experienced-mothers-solidarity thing, I think. With a dash of I-know-it-all-because-I'm-an-experienced-mother-and-you're-not. And some gleeful I've-suffered-so-it's-your-turn-now. And they often get a bit snippy with anyone who disagrees and says their own child slept through from 12 weeks etc. Tbh it's something I've seen much more on MN than in real life though!

Most people probably experience some of the things in the OP for at least a while, but not for 18 years!

I think its not necessarily moaning, its just stating facts.

But the thing is, only some of these 'facts' are facts. Others are clearly just said ... for why?
E.g. Less of a social life = YES FACT. But 'no social life ever' when the person telling you this is sitting in a pub with you in the evening and does so at least once a month is a bit . Another mum in the pub called her out on this, too - hence I know it was a bit odd.
Your body will change = yes fact. But "you will be unattractive and fat forever and look hideous and ugly" is bloody insulting to mothers in general TBH. And obviously not true (at least where I live where the women with kids - just like the women without - come in all shapes, sizes and levels of glamour).

Things like sleepless nights and having less money are facts, but IME some people go way beyond this and either imply the person they are talking to will become a drudge or that 'all mothers' are like that. Even when they aren't actually living that way themselves.

I've got 3 dc (14,12,10 years old).

I've slept through the night since dd2 was 8 months. We don't spend much money - music lessons is the big thing. I get my hair done along with my 2 dds, my children make my birthday (and Mother's Day) really special, much more than before I had dc (and do the same for dh), I was fat before I had them and am still fat - so what? My career has taken a different but fantastically encouraging turn, and we have a good sex life, a fantastic relationship despite my disabilities, which dh and the dc take in their stride (I went shopping on Saturday with dd1 who is 14 for school stuff. We got the school stuff but also pootered around Boots, Claire's and New Look, had coffee and cake, window shopped and all the time she was pushing my wheelchair (I did take my turn in shops to manoeuvre).)

Being a parent is the single best thing I've done in my entire life. Ignore the moaners. They just don't appreciate it!!

People who have kids react to parents to be who imagine nothing changes with wry laughter and an overpowering urge to tell them they are wrong.

I'm not sure anyone has said this? Please quote and correct me if I'm wrong!

I'm now not sure if I have come at this from a different angle to the OP.

I've previously posted about a 'friend' who exaggerates and says negative things which don't apply to her to me a lot. There seem to be a lot of those people out there IRL FWIW. And they rely on you being unable to reply - the friend I spoke to got rolled eyes from other mums though.

There is a big difference between, for example, "you will have very limited sleep for 18 months then have to get up early (be that 6.30, 7, 5.30) for several years..." and "you will never sleep again ever". Or "Your career will be over for sure, you'll be unemployable" rather than "you might not want to/be able to afford to work in the same way as before. Or you might be a SAHM, or work full-time. You'll be more tired than before..."

I really think there is a difference between the truth and scaremongering.
Many trustworthy people (including mums of multiples, children with SN etc') have given me factual advice which matches with what people are saying here.

But honestly, some people get carried away (and almost insult all mothers- all being unemployable, unattractive etc' according to them as they - a mum of a 3 year old - sip chardonnay!).

It does remind me of an older guy who used to work at my work (a school). He was the staffroom 'expert' and every year he would terrify the trainees with tales of how they'd fail performance management no matter how good they were, the kids would eat them alive, they'd cry every day in the classroom, they'd never sleep again because of marking, their relationships would crumble, most of them would leave within a year.
It's tough training in an inner-city school. But he was exaggerating (else how would he be there)?

Part of it is the choices you make. I chose to keep on with my career but this means I want to spend my weekends with my daughter not on my own shopping or out drinking etc. the idea of getting DP to go away for a weekend without our daughter is laughable - he would hate it.

It's not so much that you can't do stuff as you choose not to. But then there is also a tiny corner of me that still longs for a totally free and spontaneous day to myself. But if I had a 4 day weekend I think I would still want to spend it with DD - or mostly.

squitza the post before mine said The reality is, I have about one or two meals out alone with my DH every year. I've had about 3 lie ins in the past 8 years (all when I've been away without DCs and DH). We have only just stopped paying shedloads for childcare.
Littlebearpad said No, probably not for 18 years but most will be true at one time or another.
just a couple - I don't have time to point you to all of them.

Not quite sure what I said supports your assertion Tomorrow.

I could never give up lie-ins! I have a proper one every weekend at least, even with a breastfed baby I feed them in bed at 7 and then DP gets up with them so I can sleep til 9-10am.

Luckily (?) I used to wake up about 6am anyway with horrific anxiety that meant I would just get up and start the day. Now I start the day with time to myself before ds and dh wake up. I love that time now.

Being a parent is lush once you get in to your own little rhythm.

I also was a stupid insomniac before kids, always waking at 4 or 5. Now I mostly sleep like a baby (the stupidest phrase ever, but you know what I mean). I still get up early but I can sleep most of the night now. I think maternity leave de-stressed me.

I didn't find night waking hard when she was tiny, you just wanted to take her into your arms, and we co-slept and so she was right there and I never had to get up. I was tired but it was also cuddly and special. Night waking is hard now she's a toddler because you feel like they SHOULD be able to sleep, and also she's in a different room and it's effort. But still most nights she sleeps all night and so do I. Also I have a boyfriend who does over half of it. So we try and look after each other.

Sleep deprivation is very hard and most parents experience some of it. But it is not everyone's experience, certainly not nonstop, and whilst it's good to have realistic expectations that babies don't usually sleep like adults, it's also good to know how much you'll appreciate the nights you do get, the times off you do get, and that (with baby no 1 at least) after a really bad night instead of having to get to work and function in the morning you can just kinda… stay in bed all day with the baby if you want to!!

I must admit I challenge the parents who say overtly negative things about being a parent...

1. "So did you expect it to be easy?"

Answer is pretty much always "I thought it would be hard, but not this hard"

1. "Is the hard work/exhaustion worth it?"

Answer is always "Yes, absolutely"

I then try and steer them towards the things they like about being a parent and the things they love about the children. The list is always pretty much endless, and it's a much more pleasant conversation to have than focussing on the negative stuff. Perhaps we should start a thread on the good things???

Surely the main point here is that is difficult because it is worth it. I can't think of a single thing in my life that I really value and care about that didn't require hard work or effort to achieve it. I moaned constantly about my degree when I was doing it, and I warn people who are embarking on the same degree that it is very hard. But it was one of the best achievements in my life and it's opened up a career for me that never would have been possible otherwise.

Similarly my job is high pressured, very stressful, at times I feel completely overwhelmed... But I love it!! So it's worth it!

I think having children is the same. It's very difficult. But that's because anything in life that's worth having, anything of any value, comes as a result of a challenge and working hard.

If you want the rosy glow stuff, go on facebook. Tbh, I find relentless positivity much harder to bear than negativity. The negative stuff can make you feel better by comparison.

I have just one dd aged 6, and parenting her has been delightful and straightforward. But parenthood has has negative consequences that I didn't anticipate - it did take an axe to my career (I work full-time in a job I like, but it's not what I used to do and still yearn for) and it led to exH revealing himself in his true horrible colours. I'm not at all saying those things will happen to you (though they're not statistical rarities).

You might as well be braced for stormy water ahead, so that the surprises are good ones rather than bad ones.

Why did it parenthood take an axe to your career though bibli.