Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Why are people so negative about parenting?

136 replies

youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 18:59

Apparently I'll not have sleep for another 18 years, never have any money, won't celebrate my birthday, won't ever have time to have my hair done, won't be able to have nice furniture, will be fat for years, my career will end, I won't be able to have the same hairdresser, I'll never have sex again.....the list goes on and on of things I'll

Surely if it was that bad people wouldn't reproduce or would stop at one?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 21:13

Pregnantagain7- yes you are right, it does seem to be a competition of who is having the worst time or longest sleepless nights. Nobody mentions the good things.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope82 · 21/07/2014 21:22

*stocking support and monitoring my wee!

I had a tear after 36 hours of pain, baby back to back, two sucktion cup, two attemps at forecepts, two days of my water gushing, a cathater, lots of drugs and and epidural. I hurt everywhere and still had to bf my baby that night waking up every three hours to bf. Sitting bf with stitches for hours on end hurts.

To push the baby out they take away the painkollers so you can feel when to push. The only way for a painfree birth is a cs.

Once your water brakes it keeps gushing untill you give birth. Everytime you walk you will gush water Shock

Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 21:26

That does not sound pleasant you poor thing!

OP posts:
Taffeta · 21/07/2014 21:28

People don't mention the good stuff on here as it's somewhere to vent where all the perfect parents you know in RL can't identify you.

IME few people discuss in RL how hard it is, instead wishing to be seen to be coping.

I thought having babies and children looked easy until I had them, in my late thirties.

lenleeds · 21/07/2014 21:31

I suspect it's competition. The harder and more terrible this terrible affliction that parenting is made out to be the more kudos the parent thinks they deserve.

I wonder if the same people always claim to have flu and never a cold!

ACM88 · 21/07/2014 21:41

It's strange, but more often than not, people prefer to moan than declare their joy. It does turn into a competition, you have just got to laugh it off.

Yes parenting is hard, looking after children is hard full stop. But it isn't that terrible that every parent stops after one child, we know just from this forum that that's not the case, members often talk about their second, third and fourth child.

Don't let people judge you, be the parent you want to be, and cherish every second of your children! Some moments will be dyer, most will be incredible.

Ignore some of the silly remarks on this thread OP, I often do! Ha x

AnAirOfHope82 · 21/07/2014 21:43

I think some people just want to warn you how hard it is so you dont go into shock, baby blues from having unrealistic expectations.

People know all the good stuff about having children but not the downsides, so they want to let new parents know for balance.

Then some people are just competative miserable gits.

Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 21:43

Thank you ACM88 that's a great nugget of wisdom.

OP posts:
squizita · 21/07/2014 21:44

Taffeta I think the OP might be talking about RL people? Did you not experience the 'comment about how you won't cope followed by smiles and nods for approval from other mums round the table' thing in RL?

I understand from many of my friends it is a rite of passage! :)

What infuriates me is that it isn't described as 'hard' ... it's described as you won't cope (I don't talk about babies to anyone due to pregnancy anxiety, but am obviously pregnant) ... often by people who then proudly say/demonstrate they are coping.
So basically saying 'you will be a shit mum'.

flipchart · 21/07/2014 21:45

I just re read my thread and it's sounds rather bragging.

The point I was trying to make is that it's not all doom and gloom, far from it. Sure it isn't always easy but it can be a hell of a lot of fun.

Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 21:46

You know what I've not had many people be positive about their kids at all. Maybe I'm just friends with a load of sour pusses!

OP posts:
Azquilith · 21/07/2014 21:49

All true, no sleep, no sex, no social life, no money. But worth it all for sleepy snuggles and occasionally granted kisses

squizita · 21/07/2014 21:55

All true, no sleep, no sex, no social life, no money.

Surely depends on who you are? E.g. the money one ... true for me but not my mate with the loaded DH who takes PFB to Dubai, Cannes etc' as soon as they're old enough and wears stuff I can't afford daily?
Similar to the sex thing - a couple of friends accidentally had 2 close together because they thought you couldn't conceive while BFing... oops

Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 21:58

I can live without sex ;-)

OP posts:
ohthegoats · 21/07/2014 22:08

My friends have been the opposite. Because for the most part, they've maintained some element of their own pre-child-lives - if you want to, you can. You need to be more organised, you'll be more tired, you might have less money to 'play' with, but actually it is possible.

MissClemencyTrevanion · 21/07/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnarchyRules · 21/07/2014 22:30

I hate this! In RL people said for my whole pregnancy "you'll never sleep" etc. And it is simply NOT TRUE!

Some babies are much much harder than others yes, and everyone is different. But why do people have to put such a downer on things? What was I supposed to say at 8 months pregnant - "oh no! I hadn't realised I'd never sleep again! I'll have to give it up for adoption then!"

And then, when my baby was born and was being "good" I was told "that'll change! Just you wait!" WHY BE LIKE THAT?

It's hard, but it's worth it - that's what I keep telling my pregnant friends. Although one friend (currently not pregnant or ttc) said she's looking forward to being pregnant one day and going on maternity leave and having a rest. (Hahahaha)

Redling · 21/07/2014 22:45

I am amused that this thread has descended into a load of people telling first time mums how awful things will be. I do get sick of people assuming I have no idea and expect it all to be constant joy and easy as hell, just because I'm planning on holding on to a shred of my previous life and am being optimistic about the future. I'm not saying I'll be going out drinking within a month, just that it's not crazy or naive to think I might be able to have a meal out occasionally before my child goes to school! I have friends with kids and I've been out with them and I still see them loads and do stuff with them, their lives haven't changed beyond recognition so I am not assuming mine will. There are some really bitchy comments on here! I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into this website because of it, so many people floating around the internet with the sole purpose of being a cow to strangers! I probably need to step away!

Original poster
youbuggerz · 21/07/2014 23:11

It's almost like people want you to suffer to make themselves feel better. Nobody does it about any other aspect of life

OP posts:
MrsAtticus · 21/07/2014 23:28

This thread has reminded me of someone I met recently who made me feel the opposite (like I'd made everything harder than it needed to be). When I asked her how she coped with the pain of labour (she didn't have any sort of painkiller whatsoever), she said 'well I just thought, tomorrow is another day'. I chose screaming like a banshee and begging for an epidural Grin
Then when my son and another little boy (age 3) were running about in a place of worship (no-one was worshipping at that moment), she said 'well I told my son not to run and play when he comes here, so he knows', me and the other mum were like 'yeah we hadn't thought of just saying it' Hmm.
To be fair, she was only reflecting her own experiences I suppose.

Godlaughsatyourplans · 22/07/2014 00:27

Squizita - sorry, you're right, yes children and babies are different.

Godlaughsatyourplans · 22/07/2014 01:02

Snarky bitch? Possibly yes, I'm in a bad mood today. My poor little gorgeous son is teething, he's in pain and I can't stop that which breaks my heart. Last night he slept for barely 2 hours in a row so today we were both knackered so no parenting isn't all unicorns and fairy dust.

What would be the point of a website full of people sharing how glorious their lives are? Yes it's lovely to hear the positives but as pp said a lot of the time people need to rant and more often they need support. Support because it is hard. As pp put it perfectly - people just want to warn you how hard it is so you dont go into shock, baby blues from having unrealistic expectations. My point still stands that you sound naive and a bit "look at me, I know it all, I'm wonderful and I'll juggle everything easily". No one knows what the future holds. Parenting might be a walk in the park for you, I don't wish a hard life on anyone and I wish you every luck in the world but don't assume life will be the same. My point wasn't that life will be miserable, it was that you don't know what your life will be like until you're living it.

FWIW - I love being a mum, my DS is incredible and my DH and I cherish every single day with him as he is so precious to us. My life is full of joy and wonder every single day - he laughed when another baby burped, he rolled to the right instead of the left for the first time, he clapped his hands, he slept with his bottom in the air, he put carrot purée in his ear and we giggled and giggled, his little sleepy gorgeous face that I can gently kiss when he lifts his beautiful face from nap time....THAT is my RL. So OP, I am not miserable!

melissa83 · 22/07/2014 05:45

I work in childcare and I get home at 6 and both my children are sound asleep by 7. Evenings are my own . We have plenty of sex. I have been on every wild night, club, party since children. The birthday before thid 3rd pregnancy I got in at 6am as dh had the children. Ive been away with my friends plenty of times.

I have worked full time and I have completed my degree. I heard all this stuff before babies but none of it has turned out to be true. Good luck with your baby op. X

Bellyrub1980 · 22/07/2014 06:54

Nothing worth having in life is easy... My degree wasn't easy, my job isn't easy, saving for my first house wasn't easy, finding the man of my dreams wasn't easy.... But having this hindsight doesn't mean I wouldn't do it all over again! Surely an easy life with no challenges is very very dull.

Bring on the baby! I can't wait!!!

weebairn · 22/07/2014 06:56

Because people are knobs. This used to drive me crazy in my first pregnancy.

Heads up were great- I was warned I might not be able to put baby down so I didn't until she was ready, it was a happy non stressful newborn time with lots of cuddles and co sleeping dozing together.

'Youll never do xyz again'- totally unhelpful and largely untrue.

Also being on mat leave is brilliant and lots easier than some jobs.

Babies and mums are both very variable . I think sleep is probably the biggest variable, that and expectations and amount of practical support.

Ps. You can still have a lot of sex :)
Pps newborns are much easier to go to cafés with than toddlers. Go have lots of fancy lunches!
Ppps now people have started saying to me 'oh yeah one's ok but having two is a NIGHTMARE' - oh fuck off!