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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Can't decide

87 replies

cantdecide83 · 13/07/2014 18:59

Hi everyone,
I'm aware that the subject of heavy drinking in early pregnancy has been discussed many times before so I don't really know anything new that can be said.
I recently found out I was 4 weeks pregnant which would have been great but for the fact I had been drinking so heavily within the last couple of weeks. My husband and I decided to have one last holiday blowout before ttc in late summer. Drink led to one instance of unprotected sex and two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been drinking an average of 10 units a day for those two weeks. Never drunk but maybe that says something about me.
I've spent the week since my positive test in tears. I'm so certain I've damaged the baby that I'm booked in for an abortion consultation next week. I don't want an abortion but I also don't want to have damaged my baby. I've tried to think positive thoughts about the baby but it doesn't work. I know that if anything at all is wrong with it I'll blame myself. I just don't think I can cope with 9 months of feeling this bad.
I'd love a fresh start but it seems like that's an impossibility now. If I have an abortion I don't know if I'll have regrets and I have higher risks of pre term birth next pregnancy.
I've read all the stories of people who drank at least as much as me for even longer but it doesn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better.
I'm sorry to unload, particularly for those people desperate for a baby who can't believe my stupidity. Believe me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.

OP posts:

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 16/07/2014 15:04

OP how many of us do you think drank excessively before finding out we were pregnant? I was on my honeymoon! Very few people put their lives on hold whilst ttc.

You are tying yourself in knots. You need to get some counselling rather than going over the same things again and again. Please get help from a HCP.

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ShovettyMcShovetty · 16/07/2014 15:17

You are tying yourself in knots. You need to get some counselling rather than going over the same things again and again. Please get help from a HCP.

Ditto this. As good as MN is for certain things, I think you need some real life, professional help. I really feel for you, it sounds like you are having a dreadful time. Please get some help as what I have read is so worrying in terms of your anxiety levels.

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PresidentSpreadable · 16/07/2014 15:44

You've been told repeatedly by a lot of posters (including me) on here that they have drunk heavily in the early weeks of pregnancy and their babies have been fine. You reply to each post with 'yes, but'.

I could tell you about at least three friends of mine who dabbled in Class 'A's before they got their bfp (not addicts, just social users), all of their now teenage kids are absolutely fine as well. Life happens. Very few people live a pure, organic, booze/drug/pollution/plastic free lifestyle for three months before even trying to get pregnant, it doesn't mean that all of their children are doomed, if it did, the human race would die out.

You've also been presented with the basic biological fact that the foetus, or rather the clump of cells as it is at that point, does not share a blood supply with you.

As you are no doubt aware, you can have an abortion if two doctors agree that it would be injurious to the mother's health to continue with the pregancy, that also means mental health. At the moment, because you are in the grips of a anxiety crisis, they may agree that you can have one.

I think you will bitterly regret it though. Sort out some counselling pronto and try and get this in perspective. Stop googling as well.

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cantdecide83 · 16/07/2014 15:54

I'm really sorry that I've annoyed you all so much. And I don't say that in some sort of pathetic way, genuinely I would rather not be on here posting either. I would rather be happy that I was pregnant.
I don't mean to say yes but to everything that's said. It's just that's all that comes into my head. If I hadn't googled I just would have believed my doctor and that would be that. But I have and now I don't know how to get these things out my head.
I'm going to phone pandas tonight and see if that helps at all. I might also try nofas. I'm aware I need to do something to help myself.

OP posts:

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Familyguyfan · 16/07/2014 16:11

I'm really glad that I haven't upset you as that certainly wasn't and isn't my aim. You have repeatedly been given advice and information and your anxiety is making you minimise this repeatedly as you cling desperately to information on FAS.

A few years ago I read an interview with a woman who had adopted a child with FAS. The birth mother had not drunk during the first month of pregnancy only. She had bern paralytic for months on end.

As part of the report they spoke extensively about FAS and said that it was the result of persistent, repeated and excessive alcohol abuse month on month. It is common amongst alcoholics.

You let loose for a couple of weeks, nothing more. If you are looking for guarantees in life then parenthood is not for you. There are no guarantees and all parents (well most!) routinely whio themselves and search for answers as to why things are as they are.

I don't want to be mean to you, you are clearly struggling and everyone on the thread has tried to put your mind at rest. That's 80 messages minus yours. All of them telling you the same thing. Why is that? Because we know better maybe? Because many of us have done what you've done with no effects?

As an aside, you are aware that different countries have different guidance on what is advisable in pregnancy? That relates to food and to alcohol!

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PresidentSpreadable · 16/07/2014 16:25

Oh don't worry, you haven't annoyed me, and I doubt you've annoyed anyone else, I think we all feel very sorry for you that you are in such a state.

Please speak to a counsellor though. I hope that you come through this sooner rather than later.

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Louise990 · 16/07/2014 16:34

Please don't ever feel like you've annoyed anyone. You did the right thing asking for support and everyone just wants to help you. I really hope you can feel better - I know how devastating anxiety can be but you are stronger than this.

I still think that once you have the anxiety under control that you would make such a good mummy as it's so obvious how much you care already. I know it's hard to listen to a hundred voices all saying the same thing when that one voice in your own mind saying otherwise is the only one you can hear BUT for the sake of your baby please try and listen to everyone x

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cantdecide83 · 16/07/2014 16:38

Phone call number one done- nofas. The lovely woman there said there was almost no chance because of when I stopped drinking. Basically what you've all been telling me for days!
Part of me is relieved, the other part is still just as worked up. Which I think says everything about my mental state just now. I'm going to phone pandas later and see if that calms me.
I'm really sorry for how I've been. Hormones plus my usual negative thinking have resulted in a horrible mess. Now I've just got to try and become positive x

OP posts:

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Louise990 · 16/07/2014 16:43

I'm so happy that the phonecall to nofas helped you - you're bound to still feel worked up because it wouldn't be natural if you suddenly felt happy and positive about everything all at once would it?

I think you're doing the right thing by getting as much help and info as possible, you really should be proud of yourself! Speak to your hubby and let him know how far you've come and I bet you'll both be on the same page.

This is a really positive step for you. Well done x

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squizita · 16/07/2014 16:53

Glad the call helped you!
I know what you mean about the anxiety not going away even when you're told its ok though. It is actually quite common and MW are used to dealing with it, so don't be worried about asking for help.

I went through a stage of being phobic about the tube (as in the underground). I remember being convinced it was a tb infested germ pit. A lovely psych nurse did CBT and lo and behold after a bit of work I can take my bump up to zone 1 easily so long as I have antibac wipes in my handbag ... It is so worth sorting anxiety. Such a crippling, cruel thing.

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PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 16/07/2014 17:06

OP- I am glad the initial call has helped you a bit. But I think you need to listen to people saying you urgently need help with your anxiety, whether CBT or some other therapy. Because even if you manage to move past this irrational anxiety (and, as your logical brain knows, it is irrational), you are likely to fix onto something else sooner or later. You need the tools to manage your anxiety.

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Mia098 · 29/09/2023 12:46

Hello. I am finding myself in the exact same situation as @cantdecide83 . I would really like to know how things ended for her, if she is still around or if someone knows. i'm sorry to bring up an old thread but i have so much anxiety because i was on holiday and drank a week after conception. I took a negative test when I got home and drank 1-2 glasses of wine 4+1-4+5. I feel so much guilt and shame and am absolutely sure that my baby is injured because of me. I would really appreciate it if you could give me an update @cantdecide83 .