Can't decide

[cantdecide83]

Hi everyone,
I'm aware that the subject of heavy drinking in early pregnancy has been discussed many times before so I don't really know anything new that can be said.
I recently found out I was 4 weeks pregnant which would have been great but for the fact I had been drinking so heavily within the last couple of weeks. My husband and I decided to have one last holiday blowout before ttc in late summer. Drink led to one instance of unprotected sex and two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been drinking an average of 10 units a day for those two weeks. Never drunk but maybe that says something about me.
I've spent the week since my positive test in tears. I'm so certain I've damaged the baby that I'm booked in for an abortion consultation next week. I don't want an abortion but I also don't want to have damaged my baby. I've tried to think positive thoughts about the baby but it doesn't work. I know that if anything at all is wrong with it I'll blame myself. I just don't think I can cope with 9 months of feeling this bad.
I'd love a fresh start but it seems like that's an impossibility now. If I have an abortion I don't know if I'll have regrets and I have higher risks of pre term birth next pregnancy.
I've read all the stories of people who drank at least as much as me for even longer but it doesn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better.
I'm sorry to unload, particularly for those people desperate for a baby who can't believe my stupidity. Believe me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.

[Mia098]

Hello. I am finding myself in the exact same situation as @cantdecide83 . I would really like to know how things ended for her, if she is still around or if someone knows. i'm sorry to bring up an old thread but i have so much anxiety because i was on holiday and drank a week after conception. I took a negative test when I got home and drank 1-2 glasses of wine 4+1-4+5. I feel so much guilt and shame and am absolutely sure that my baby is injured because of me. I would really appreciate it if you could give me an update @cantdecide83 .

[PenguinsHatchedAnEgg]

OP- I am glad the initial call has helped you a bit. But I think you need to listen to people saying you urgently need help with your anxiety, whether CBT or some other therapy. Because even if you manage to move past this irrational anxiety (and, as your logical brain knows, it is irrational), you are likely to fix onto something else sooner or later. You need the tools to manage your anxiety.

[squizita]

Glad the call helped you!
I know what you mean about the anxiety not going away even when you're told its ok though. It is actually quite common and MW are used to dealing with it, so don't be worried about asking for help.

I went through a stage of being phobic about the tube (as in the underground). I remember being convinced it was a tb infested germ pit. A lovely psych nurse did CBT and lo and behold after a bit of work I can take my bump up to zone 1 easily so long as I have antibac wipes in my handbag ... It is so worth sorting anxiety. Such a crippling, cruel thing.

[Louise990]

I'm so happy that the phonecall to nofas helped you - you're bound to still feel worked up because it wouldn't be natural if you suddenly felt happy and positive about everything all at once would it?

I think you're doing the right thing by getting as much help and info as possible, you really should be proud of yourself! Speak to your hubby and let him know how far you've come and I bet you'll both be on the same page.

This is a really positive step for you. Well done x

[cantdecide83]

Phone call number one done- nofas. The lovely woman there said there was almost no chance because of when I stopped drinking. Basically what you've all been telling me for days!
Part of me is relieved, the other part is still just as worked up. Which I think says everything about my mental state just now. I'm going to phone pandas later and see if that calms me.
I'm really sorry for how I've been. Hormones plus my usual negative thinking have resulted in a horrible mess. Now I've just got to try and become positive x

[Louise990]

Please don't ever feel like you've annoyed anyone. You did the right thing asking for support and everyone just wants to help you. I really hope you can feel better - I know how devastating anxiety can be but you are stronger than this.

I still think that once you have the anxiety under control that you would make such a good mummy as it's so obvious how much you care already. I know it's hard to listen to a hundred voices all saying the same thing when that one voice in your own mind saying otherwise is the only one you can hear BUT for the sake of your baby please try and listen to everyone x

[PresidentSpreadable]

Oh don't worry, you haven't annoyed me, and I doubt you've annoyed anyone else, I think we all feel very sorry for you that you are in such a state.

Please speak to a counsellor though. I hope that you come through this sooner rather than later.

[Familyguyfan]

I'm really glad that I haven't upset you as that certainly wasn't and isn't my aim. You have repeatedly been given advice and information and your anxiety is making you minimise this repeatedly as you cling desperately to information on FAS.

A few years ago I read an interview with a woman who had adopted a child with FAS. The birth mother had not drunk during the first month of pregnancy only. She had bern paralytic for months on end.

As part of the report they spoke extensively about FAS and said that it was the result of persistent, repeated and excessive alcohol abuse month on month. It is common amongst alcoholics.

You let loose for a couple of weeks, nothing more. If you are looking for guarantees in life then parenthood is not for you. There are no guarantees and all parents (well most!) routinely whio themselves and search for answers as to why things are as they are.

I don't want to be mean to you, you are clearly struggling and everyone on the thread has tried to put your mind at rest. That's 80 messages minus yours. All of them telling you the same thing. Why is that? Because we know better maybe? Because many of us have done what you've done with no effects?

As an aside, you are aware that different countries have different guidance on what is advisable in pregnancy? That relates to food and to alcohol!

[cantdecide83]

I'm really sorry that I've annoyed you all so much. And I don't say that in some sort of pathetic way, genuinely I would rather not be on here posting either. I would rather be happy that I was pregnant.
I don't mean to say yes but to everything that's said. It's just that's all that comes into my head. If I hadn't googled I just would have believed my doctor and that would be that. But I have and now I don't know how to get these things out my head.
I'm going to phone pandas tonight and see if that helps at all. I might also try nofas. I'm aware I need to do something to help myself.

[PresidentSpreadable]

You've been told repeatedly by a lot of posters (including me) on here that they have drunk heavily in the early weeks of pregnancy and their babies have been fine. You reply to each post with 'yes, but'.

I could tell you about at least three friends of mine who dabbled in Class 'A's before they got their bfp (not addicts, just social users), all of their now teenage kids are absolutely fine as well. Life happens. Very few people live a pure, organic, booze/drug/pollution/plastic free lifestyle for three months before even trying to get pregnant, it doesn't mean that all of their children are doomed, if it did, the human race would die out.

You've also been presented with the basic biological fact that the foetus, or rather the clump of cells as it is at that point, does not share a blood supply with you.

As you are no doubt aware, you can have an abortion if two doctors agree that it would be injurious to the mother's health to continue with the pregancy, that also means mental health. At the moment, because you are in the grips of a anxiety crisis, they may agree that you can have one.

I think you will bitterly regret it though. Sort out some counselling pronto and try and get this in perspective. Stop googling as well.

[ShovettyMcShovetty]

You are tying yourself in knots. You need to get some counselling rather than going over the same things again and again. Please get help from a HCP.

Ditto this. As good as MN is for certain things, I think you need some real life, professional help. I really feel for you, it sounds like you are having a dreadful time. Please get some help as what I have read is so worrying in terms of your anxiety levels.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

OP how many of us do you think drank excessively before finding out we were pregnant? I was on my honeymoon! Very few people put their lives on hold whilst ttc.

You are tying yourself in knots. You need to get some counselling rather than going over the same things again and again. Please get help from a HCP.

[cantdecide83]

Familyguyfan,
I'm well aware that I'm obsessing and tying myself in knots. Why do you think I'm talking nonsense though? Even the NHS site talks about not drinking over 4 units a week in order to avoid FASD. I agree that it looks as if FAS is only for alcholics/people who drink throughout pregnancy but FAE seems possible. I'm not saying my baby definitely has it, I just can't see how it can be ruled out definitively. Why not just say whatever you want to say? Maybe some tough talk will do me some good.

[Familyguyfan]

I'm going to say this and hope you take it as encouragingly as I mean it.

You desperately need to see someone about your anxiety. If I didn't think this were anxiety based I would be pretty scathing to you as frankly, you are talking nonsense. y
You are going around in circles clinging to jibberish and half truths to support your own nonsense. However, I think you have an anxiety issue and therefore I accept this is inevitable.

However, by ignoring your anxiety issue and focusing on the abortion you are really doing yourself no favours.

I will leave it at that as the things I think you need to hear are not pleasant and your anxiety is clearly affecting you deeply and I don't want to add to it. Go see your doctor, not about your pregnancy but about your anxiety.

I should add I am a strong supporter of a woman's right to choose but for the right reasons. This is absolute twaddle that you are trying yourself in knots with.

Best of luck

[cantdecide83]

Squizita- I appreciate that everything might be ok but it can't categorically be stated that I haven't caused anything. I drank well above the recommended guidelines- which include the two week window- so I could have caused a problem.

[M27J5M]

When preg with my son I found out at 7 weeks, the weekend before I had a total party weekend, went wild, spoke to my doctor and he told me it was fine as up till the 10(ish) week mark baby doesn't get much from you so the chances of damaging my baby were extremely slim to none! He's now 5 and totally fine :)

[squizita]

but I don't think I could live with problems that i've caused and could have dealt with.

YOU HAVE NOT CAUSED ANYTHING.

I am seriously worried about your mental health, OP.

Please please seek help. You have perenatal anxiety, you are becoming obsessed and irrational.

[cantdecide83]

And I don't think an early scan, or any scan, would help because they don't show what I'm most terrified of- brain damage. I can't live with having done that to my child.

[cantdecide83]

This morning I was pretty settled on the abortion. It's funny though, once I settle on that I become calmer and then start thinking about having the baby.
I've read so many stories now of people who've drunk as much as me and had healthy babies. But it's not guaranteed. I know a healthy baby is never guaranteed but I don't think I could live with problems that i've caused and could have dealt with. So, for all I really don't want to have the abortion, it seems like a better option than having a baby damaged by drink. I know that's not definite but it is a possibility.
I'm beginning to wonder if I just shouldn't be pregnant, the hormones don't suit me. I had to come off the pill a few years ago because they all made me slightly mental. Nothing compared to how I feel now but not right.
I don't want to have regrets and spend the rest of my life thinking about the choices I made now. There's just not a single choice I feel comfortable with.

[ShovettyMcShovetty]

OP I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't advise you at all and would just urge you to please seek professional help.

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

Please cancel the abortion appointment, and instead make an early scan appointment and a counselling appointment.

I know it's not something we like to talk about, but the NHS antenatal scans and tests are there for a reason besides the chance to see your baby. If there is a problem with your baby, it should be spotted in good time for you to terminate if you feel that's what you need to do. But then you would be doing it with CONCRETE information and professional medical advice.

If your scans show no problems, as is the case for the huge majority of women who don't adjust their lifestyle during early pregnancy, then some counselling will set you up for mentally and physically healthy pregnancy.

There is no reason on earth to terminate on a hunch, and I'd be very concerned about any clinic that let you do it.

[MissHC]

OP I conceived DD whilst on holiday - all in resort, free alcohol. You get the picture. I drank at least 7 cocktails a day. From my dates, she was conceived the first few days. She's 7 months now and very healthy.

Please get some help for your anxiety. If you terminate this pregnancy, I have a feeling you will be the same for your next pregnancy and worry just as much, for different reasons. There are ALWAYS things you can worry over! But you need to get professional help for your anxiety.

[Louise990]

I can completely empathise and sympathise with how you're feeling. I agree with others when they say that the anxiety is the route of your outlook on this situation rather than the fear of being the parent of a child who is disabled. I have a very similar train of thought to the one you have and I know how awful and consuming it is to feel this way.

Please please please do not abort your baby for this reason alone, I don't want to make you feel worse but this sort of action is what would fill you with guilt for the rest of your life, not having a child who has an extremely tiny chance of being less than "perfect" - whatever that means. Even if you were to conceive again in the future and did everything by the book but your child still developed autism, I can assure you that you'd find something that you did in those 9 months and blame yourself.

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and during this time I was taking a very strong dose of antidepressants daily AND if I hadn't been doing this then I would have also been drinking quite heavily as it coincided with the Christmas/NY period. I felt guilty too but I was able to forgive myself and realise that I couldn't blame myself if anything was to go wrong with the pregnancy. I'm now 30+2 weeks pregnant and my baby is developing and growing perfectly. I've not allowed myself to feel guilty since about taking ADs before realising I was pregnant because it really isn't something I had control over and neither did you.

Op the fact that you are worrying so much about this now shows that you would be an amazing, caring mummy and that is the only thing that you should focus on here. I know a million people could say the same thing I've said and it still wouldn't help or change the way you think but if there's anything I've learnt during pregnancy it's that nothing is ever going to be perfect.

Don't write this pregnancy off as something you could have worked better at. The little face looking up at you in 8 months will never know anything other than the fact that YOU are his or her entire world and that really is all that matters here.

Also searching for answers and reassurance on websites is the absolute devil when you feel as low as you do now - I'm going through a lot of anxiety over something at the moment and have been torturing myself by researching the "what ifs?"

I really hope you can feel better about this. Feel free to message me if you want to talk x

[squizita]

Most of the books do say that. As PP have said: you are having an anxiety/obsessive crisis - whatever you read your brain will process as risk.
I've been there, I know what its like.

Please see your GP. Please frankly and honestly explain your thoughts.
It is unusual and irrational behaviour to terminate a wanted child because of an unproven and indeed unidentified health risk you've become obsessed by "maybe" happening. It is not rational behaviour. I am unsure if a family planning clinic would even be allowed to advise you to terminate based on this as you want the child.

[cantdecide83]

Pobble- the one good thing about the termination appointment is that I get an early scan! To be honest I've freaked myself out so much that I don't think it'll make any difference. Most brain problems can't be seen on scans- even at the 20 week scan- so I don't think it'll make me feel any better. I am worried that I would panic about anything but I don't think I would. In this pregnancy I've already eaten brie and taken vitamin A before I knew not to. Those things don't worry me in the slightest. The excess alcohol terrifies me. So hopefully if I did have another pregnancy I wouldn't worry because I wouldn't have drunk.
Offbeat- I am so sorry to hear about your baby. It shames me that I'm driving myself crazy over something that hasn't happened when people like yourself have had to deal with real trauma. I can't imagine how bad that must have been.

Part of me agrees with the idea that I shouldn't have done any damage because it was so early. When I look at the development book I have it shows a whole lot of cell division but not much else at that stage. The brain development doesn't seem to start until week 3 after fertilisation. But surely I could have damaged cells which would then be faulty before the organ development stage meaning everything that comes after would be faulty? I don't understand why if it is as simple as miscarriage or fine for the first couple of weeks the books can't say that.