Can't decide

[cantdecide83]

Hi everyone,
I'm aware that the subject of heavy drinking in early pregnancy has been discussed many times before so I don't really know anything new that can be said.
I recently found out I was 4 weeks pregnant which would have been great but for the fact I had been drinking so heavily within the last couple of weeks. My husband and I decided to have one last holiday blowout before ttc in late summer. Drink led to one instance of unprotected sex and two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been drinking an average of 10 units a day for those two weeks. Never drunk but maybe that says something about me.
I've spent the week since my positive test in tears. I'm so certain I've damaged the baby that I'm booked in for an abortion consultation next week. I don't want an abortion but I also don't want to have damaged my baby. I've tried to think positive thoughts about the baby but it doesn't work. I know that if anything at all is wrong with it I'll blame myself. I just don't think I can cope with 9 months of feeling this bad.
I'd love a fresh start but it seems like that's an impossibility now. If I have an abortion I don't know if I'll have regrets and I have higher risks of pre term birth next pregnancy.
I've read all the stories of people who drank at least as much as me for even longer but it doesn't make me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better.
I'm sorry to unload, particularly for those people desperate for a baby who can't believe my stupidity. Believe me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.

Like the others have all said, most women don't know they're pregnant for a few weeks and do things that aren't advised, myself included. I was drinking, going to bikram yoga every night, eating sushi, blue cheese.....I found out just after Xmas so you can imagine the indulging...I'm 35 wks now and as far as I know, am carrying a very healthy baby. To put it into context, I had a miscarriage just before I conceived this one and I had been super healthy before I found out about that one.

Booking a termination is a very extreme reaction to your worrying though and it sounds like you need some help.

I am by no means trying to be crass, but could I ask what damage you think you may have done or what disability you think may have been caused by alcohol?

I can feel the anxiety and panic you are experiencing. But I am less sure what specific damage you think you've caused. There is nothing I know of that drinking at that stage of pregnancy specifically causes. If it were something like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, I think you need to speak to someone who is knowledgable about that for advice and reassurance. If there was a high risk then medical advice would be to be teetotal from ttc onwards and certainly during 2ww. But that isn't the medical advice.

I do actually have a child who is severely disabled but however much I have tortured myself about what may have caused it, I have honestly never thought anything I did or didn't do at such an extremely early stage has influenced anything.

I really hope you get to speak to someone who can go through things with you, and take your time and make a decision that you can live with and is right for you.

Take care.

On another note, you have said a couple of times that abortion can lead to pre term labour in future pregnancies. I have ever been told this and I had an abortion. I went on the have my first dc at 39weeks and I am 32 weeks pregnant with dc2.

I agree with pp, anxiety seems to be the problem here and I think you should see midwife or gp about this. It does also seem like you have made up your mind

I conceived unexpectedly on my 40th birthday and spent most of the following fortnight off my face & celebrating before we found out I was pregnant.

You do know that for the first couple of weeks after conception the baby and you are not sharing a blood supply don't you? Just start taking folic acid now, and talk to a professional about your anxiety.

What lovely sound advice you have been given, just wanted to add that it may not be as easy to get pg a second time.. I'm sure your baby will be just fine and the fact that you are so worried just shows how much you care x

Thank you everyone for all your kind responses.
A couple of you have commented that I appear to have made up my mind but I can assure you I've not. I go backwards and forwards between the two possibilities and can't settle on a decision for more than around 30 minutes.
I guess my real worry is that I've raised the risk of having a severely disabled child. Foetal alcohol syndrome is a possibility. According to the nhs website drinking can cause autism. I can't imagine finding out my child was disabled and not blaming myself for the drinking. Reading all the websites they say that anything more than a couple of drinks a weeks could lead to problems. If I'd only drunk heavily once or twice I think I could cope but it was every single day. I stopped the moment I found out but I'm so worried that was too late.
I do think maybe I need some help although I think the biggest help will be making my mind up. It always feels better once a decision is made. Just now I'm leaning towards continuing the pregnancy so I'm hoping that will continue. Hopefully I can stick with that decision for more than the next 30 minutes!

If you are four weeks pregnant you don't share a blood supply with your baby yet. Drinking will not have affected him/her. Really really.

"All the websites" are talking about later in pregnancy -- from this point on, really. So don't drink again. But what you've already done won't be a problem.

I don't know if this will help you, but I have seen women who have been injecting heroin, smoking crack, drinking and smoking. They get pregnant. I have met babies and children of alcoholics, heroin users, constant smokers. NONE OF THEM WERE DISABLED. A lot of them were messed up, for many other reasons, but none disabled.
Please don't jump to conclusions that are not proven. Please wait to speak to a professional before you do anything.
Good luck and I hope you can feel better soon.

The websites giving such information are referring to women who drink regularly throughout pregnancy. Not in the first few weeks.

There is no absolute safe limit. Just like there is no absolute safe way of crossing the road. Prenatal anxiety and depression are very real illnesses - please talk to your GP again.

Would you consider showing this thread to your dh and your mum?

The NHS websites doesn't give such scary information about drinking before you know you're pregnant.
Trust me: I have miscaarriage-related anxiety, addicted to reading things about pregnancy health etc'.

I think you are reading it through the filter of anxiety and/or haven't told us about a scarier source you've stumbled across because the rational part of your brain knows its a ranty site by a nutter biased/less trained person.
I've been there: literally ANYTHING according to the web can cause miscarriage or disability. ANYTHING. Often sadly it's people who have had a cruel twist of fate and are rationalising, but on a platform where the whole world can see... or sham medics trying to peddle fake medical advice/theory.

If the NHS site scared you that much, you aren't reading it with the eyes of even a slightly worried pregnant woman, but someone with real anxiety. This won't be about drinking, it will be about something else - or could just your brain chemistry. But it can be helped by therapy.

Please speak to a real Dr and show them fully the considerations you are making re termination, they will be truly shocked you feel you have to do this, and may suggest CBT or therapy.

The thing is I can rationalise away the more outlandish theories.When I looked at the autism websites there's mention of tupperware containers and aspartame. I've ingested/used both of those but I don't feel guilty because there's no proven link.
Drink is bad though, there's no denying that. If I just had some idea of the exact risk I would be able to make an informed decision. I'll never get that though because they can't exactly experiment on pregnant women!
I just don't know, I woke up thinking I can do this but as the day has gone on I'm thinking I can't. I think I would spend the pregnancy worrying and then the childhood waiting for some disability to show up.

Googling in pregnancy can bring up all sorts of scary information. Remember a lot of these will be American websites which are notorious for returning all sorts of rubbish partly to do with the culture in the US of people suing if anything goes wrong. There have been threads on here from women who read that strawberries were unsafe during pregnancy and they should stay away from sun for 9 months for example.......stick to the NHS guidelines which are much more sensible.

I conceived DS whilst on holiday and spent every night drinking and eating all the wrong foods. I also got very drunk at a wedding (free bar) a few days before I found out I was pregnant. He's fine.

To have a termination two doctors have to agree with your decision and I don't think in your case they would OP. Anxiety seems to be your issue here and I really think you need to talk to someone about your fears. There are a million and one things you can worry about in pregnancy and as a parent. What would be next? There is always an underlying worry as a parent, that doesn't stop but you can't let it control your life or let it make decisions for you.

Your reaction is very extreme and I do think you need to listen to the health professionals and sort out some counselling. Baby doesn't feed off the placenta until about six weeks. I can bet you that most people who found out they're pregnant have done so after drinking.

There is never a perfect time to become pregnant. You can't waste the life you are living waiting for the perfect one to come along op. How would you feel if you aborted this baby based on your anxiety and self induced guilt and you never became pregnant again? I seriously believe you need some intensive counselling to get some help with this anxiety and control issues.

Oh, and step away from google! There is so much incorrect information out there, lots of American websites that aren't relevant or give different advice. Stick to the NHS guidelines. Talk to your health professionals (I am one!).

the autism websites
How far down the google page did you go :) that's usually an indicator.

I had the exact same issue re choosing reliable sources. I usually look for a national charity from the UK now (e.g. National Autistic Society) and stick with that!

Becoming a parent id the scariest thing on earth. I didn't drink 2 drop when pregnant with my two dc but I still drove myself mad with worry. Most pregnant women do. Are thry moving enough? Am I eating enough? Can I eat this?

Once the baby is born it's just as bad. Are they sleeping enough or too much? Are they hitting their milestones on time.

Regardless of drinking (which will not have caused damage at tgis ezrly stage) you will still panic. If your child is ill or disabled, there isn't a parent alive who didn't agonise over whether they caused it or could have prevented it.

Apologies for terrible spelling. I'm on my phone.

Can you go to the foetal medicine centre in Harley street op? It's about 150 pounds for an early scan and blood tests and the guy who runs it is famous for early pregnancy diagnoses. He's very reassuring.
I was also pissed during early pregnancy because I was 43 and didn't imagine another baby possible. She's 3 now and amazing.
I think you might just be overwhelmed at being oreganat and so focussing on negatives, I was exactly the sane but we went camping for the weekend and talked and talked and as I absorbed the news slowly I fejt much better and came home ready to enjoy it all.
I'm not sure an abortion will make you feel any better as you are clearly in a bit of a crisis so may not make a decision you won't regret later.

Those things you have read on the NHS website are true. For women who drink solidly throughout their pregnancy. You aren't one of those women.

2 weeks of solid drinking at the start of pregnancy is not going to cause FAS. There is no placenta yet feeding the baby off what you eat. All the nutrients are contained in the egg.

You have nothing to worry about regarding this.

Your anxiety is another matter and I would recommend an early midwife appointment and counselling. I suspect you will find something else to worry about once FAS is not a concern :( and there are things you can do to cope.

Congratulations on baby!

I agree that the anxiety is a big issue. My biggest fear is having a disabled baby and right now I feel like I would have that anxiety in any future pregnancy. It's being exacerbated by my early drinking but it would probably be as bad in any pregnancy.
I think I maybe have to stop searching online and try to enjoy this pregnancy. I have the abortion appointment on Thursday which I want to go to anyway. Hopefully actually going there will highlight that I want to keep the baby.
I've never been an anxious person or had depression, I can't believe this has hit me so hard.

It's more likely to cause miscarriage at this stage but the baby is protected and feeding off its own yolk sac now.

Try to give yourself a break :)

OP good luck for Thursday- it will be a good opportunity to talk!
I think, as others have wisely said, if it was not the alcohol, it would be something else. The body and hormones are bloody powerful things!! During my first 3/4weeks my OH was so concerned about my odd behaviour he considered sending me to hospital to get checked out!! (I did have a meltdown last yr when my dad passed away and he thought this was happening again)

Being on the same page as your OH is so important, share everything and never feel ashamed if what your feeling, no matter how irrational it may sound when said out loud.

You're not the first to feel like this, and won't be the last. It doesn't mean you won't be a wonderful mother, if that's what you decide!

binge drinking before pregnancy or during the first trimester was not linked with higher odds of spontaneous preterm birth (adjusted odds ratio, 0.78; 95% confidence interval, 0.33 - 1.80; and aOR, 0.90; 95% CI 0.70 -1.16, respectively).