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Original poster

Is it cruel of me? I feel sad for having a boy

111 replies

FirstTimeMom12 · 07/04/2014 16:41

I thought I would be OK no matter what the sex although I was secretly hoping for another girl, so that my daughter can have the sister & friend I never had. Is it cruel of me?

I feel sad and depressed all of a sudden, I wanted a second girl :(

It does not help that my mom and an aunt always said that they prefer girls over boys and my mom blatantly told me she also hoped I was having another girl...

OP posts:
ZingSweetCoconut · 14/04/2014 15:03

we had 5 boys, then a girl.
we didn't "keep trying" so we might finally have a girl.
it was a total surprise, I fully expected a 6th son.

and now I'm pg with my 7th I feel for the first time that I do have a preference - my unreasonable heart and my sane mind are in direct conflict about how I will feel if we don't have the gender I would prefer.

It's weird. I'd never thought I'd feel that way.

and for the record I had a MC (a girl) with my 5th pg so afterwards I was convinced I'd never have a daughter because some people just don't seem to be able to carry girls (or boys).

so I'm totally phased by my own feelings of having a preference at all and I have no idea why I have them.
we'll find out tomorrow precisely because I need to know, I need time to "get over it".

and I'm pretty sure if it's not the gender I am hoping for I will grieve for what I won't have.

stupid? disgusting? crazy? maybe. yet I can't control how I feel.

OP

I hope your boy will be a happy, healthy child and that he will bring you joys unexpected! Smile

22honey · 14/04/2014 15:52

Kelly, there are people who have had miscarriages and stillbirths who STILL have gender disappointment. Gender disappointment is apparently very common among those having IVF treatment, something to do with the fact they have much longer to build the 'fantasy child' in their heads.

ZingSweetCoconut · 14/04/2014 16:19

Kelly

A friend of mine's son died at 3 months, unexpectedly.

their oldest is a girl and when she fell pg with third she was out of her mind with worry that the problem could repeat if she was carrying a boy again.

understandably she was really hoping for a girl - and she was very much relieved when she found out baby was a girl.
not that baby was then entirely "safe", but potential risk dropped dramatically.

she finds it easier to have a girl again.
she was also quite worried about the emotional implications of holding another son.

it's complicated.

And I do feel for people who are infertile or need treatments or need to wait for years to concieve or have MCs or stillbirths or loose children at whatever age.
or who'd like more than one child but unable to.
I know people in RL (and here) of all of these circumstances. Sad

and yes, they'd give anything to have a baby / second baby / to have their children back.

but none of that is related to a sadness of a different kind.
all sadness is crap and whatever people experience as grief is real to them.
no need for harsh words to make them feel worse.

Observer78 · 14/04/2014 16:36

To get "depression" over gender preference is difficult to comprehend. You get granted a baby, and still not happy. It's an innocent life, for God's sake!
No wonder so many boys have serious issues here in the UK, they're predisposed to being treated like the second best, not wanted, etc.

Observer78 · 14/04/2014 16:48

PS - loose and lose are two different things.
Using either incorrectly detracts from the point one is trying to make.

FourForksAche · 14/04/2014 17:12

Observer, pedants' corner is missing you.

ZingSweetCoconut · 14/04/2014 17:18

if you can't even figure out what I'm trying to say because I (or my phone) made a spelling mistake there's no hope you will ever understand that people get sad about different things.
and I am not depressed.
nor is OP
and neither babies are born yet so no need to be nasty

HaroldLloyd · 14/04/2014 17:28

It is difficult to comprehend isn't it, a lot of things are that don't happen to us personally, you know.

FourForksAche · 14/04/2014 17:30

Zing, some people just have to come on here and get nasty and judgey, it's the only way they can feel alive.

If they can't empathise or understand a situation, they judge.

ZingSweetCoconut · 14/04/2014 17:39

Harold

I don't understand so many things - including things I'm actually going through.

I still have compassion for others.
And I certainly don't try to make someone who is feeling crap feel even worse - like a few people did.
(I don't mean you)

four

quite

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 14/04/2014 17:45

Sadly, on gender disappointment threads there is always an element of tension because we all have different experiences. While one woman is experiencing joy, another is sad but we must not get to a situation where the one has to filter her feelings through the other. MN is a safe space to explore honest reactions and while we can be mindful of other people's feelings, we should not deny women their feelings because they are contrary to our own.

It is important to remember that women experiencing gender disappointment do not choose to. It's a reaction and not one we can often control as it is more complex than people realise. Of course you don't understand it if you haven't been there. That's human experience for you. It's also shortsighted to claim a woman experiencing gender disappointment isn't happy her child is healthy or that she isn't inordinately grateful to be pregnant. Feelings do not occur in isolation and there is room for all feelings here and support for them all too.

lucyfluff · 14/04/2014 19:22

Well said raxa Smile

crazyhead · 14/04/2014 21:30

I have two sons and was really sad about never having a daughter, though I'm now OK with it - it took a few months after my son was born to get there, but his wonderful presence is now much stronger than the absence of an imagined daughter, if you know what I mean.

It's normal to project particular ideas onto what you thought your family would be like and one way or other all of us are going to have to modify our expectations about our kids. I'd just give yourself time to process stuff and relax. If you are a reasonably positive person who is normally capable of embracing what life offers you, I am sure you will be fine.

I wouldn't waste time beating yourself up, by the way. It's interesting to hear that some people on these threads are so pure in thought that they can't understand how you'd have these feelings, but you're in good company among us mere mortals.

BrianTheMole · 14/04/2014 22:38

Hear hear Raxa. Good post.

kellyashley · 15/04/2014 19:55

It has not been said that women who experience gender disappointment are not happy that their children are healthy your floating way off course there. Theres much more important and worth while things to worry about than what sex a baby is, its not big surprise its a baby not a cat or an alien you either get a boy or a girl!! poor women who experience gender disappointment and dont get what they want, perhaps adoption would be better as 'suffering' gender disappointment is sooooo terrible it can be avoided by picking your child so it does not disappoint you!!

HaroldLloyd · 15/04/2014 19:58

What raxa said.

BrianTheMole · 15/04/2014 20:06

Theres more important things to worry about than what other women think about the gender of their baby tbh. As long as that disappointment causes no harm to the child, then its a non issue. And you seem to be under the misguided illusion that people have a choice about how they feel. They don't. And whilst adoption is a great thing, and something that I would consider anyway (but not for gender reasons) the suggestion that women who have a gender preference shouldn't get pregnant is so way off course, that even a pair of binoculars couldn't see it.

BrianTheMole · 15/04/2014 20:07

That was to kelly.

Observer78 · 15/04/2014 20:16

FourForksAche any particular need to attack someone for speaking the truth?
It's not about being pedantic, but pointing out lack of basic English. Which, in turn, genuinely does detract from what the person is saying. I'm sure you don't need me to spell out what is meant by that.

Kelly- just let them get on with it. Clearly a certain mentality etc. Superficiality doesn't go far in life.

BrianTheMole · 15/04/2014 20:21

just let them get on with it. Clearly a certain mentality etc. Superficiality doesn't go far in life.

A very blinkered view of the world doesn't go far either.

ZingSweetCoconut · 16/04/2014 08:05

I'm not English.
my spelling, grammar and vocabulary is pretty good though.
you really need to realise that a lot of spelling mistakes on here are caused by people rushing and mistyping words or by autocorrect on phone playing up.
not because they are dumb.

anyway, next time I will make a flawless post as I can improve my spelling very easily.
but I suspect your patronising tone and lack of empathy will not change.
shame

ZingSweetCoconut · 16/04/2014 08:06

*are

oops I did it again

Easter Grin
FourForksAche · 16/04/2014 08:13

Observer, you were correct about the spelling error, so we'll done for being truthful (or accurate, at least.)

However, I maintain that I was also truthful when I expressed your highlighting of a minor spelling error as pedantry.

Hardly attacking you. I am quite surprised you're taking umbrage, your other comments give the impression you have quite a thick skin. Or is that only when you're the one doling out judgements?

FourForksAche · 16/04/2014 08:14

ooh look! a typo, knock yourself out, observer.

ZingSweetCoconut · 16/04/2014 08:49

Four

Easter Grin