Advice on how to announce a pregnancy sensitively to an infertile friend/family member

[bluecanoe]

Baffled by how consistently badly most close friends and family have dealt with announcing pregnancies to me and my dh throughout our 12 years of trying for a family, and in the aftermath of another painful announcement from a particularly crass brother in law, (12 years in, more accepting now and and no longer trying, it can still hurt like hell to hear badly delivered news) I googled - in some frustration- to see if there was any advice on the web for those good souls with the sensitivity to find out how best to deal with this difficult situation.

There wasn't much out there, and as this scenario is sadly never going to go away, I'm reopening this thread to share some thoughts - and advice - from the trenches as it were.

1. Never, ever, announce your happy news in a text - it's comes across as offhand, casual, thoughtless and cowardly, (which it is) and likely to catch the unfortunate recipient totally off guard and cause her - and him- even more pain.

1. Man up. The announcement is best done face to face or in a phone call at the very least. This IS hard to do. Feeling guilty? There is no need, but deal with how you are feeling - its brief, and will pass, and compared to what they are going through, it's a walk in the park.

3. Consider for a moment their vulnerability. This is the permanent desolation of childlessness versus the natural elation of pregnancy. Polar opposites. Put your happiness aside for one moment, and think about them. Spend a bit of time with them. Going for a walk is probably one of the best options, make sure you are in a private place (no pubs or bars purlease), prepare them gently by saying that you have some news which they will find very difficult to hear, then tell them.

Acknowledge their loss openly. (To clarify what I mean by loss, their lost opportunity to have a family, the loss of their future, the loss of their confidence, identity, often stagnation/loss work opportunities as all their energies will have gone into keeping themselves upright and functioning - surviving - through a terribly long, terribly hard time). If you ignore their pain and loss, as suggested in some threads, you invalidate their grief, and that is heaps more painful for them.
Mother them if you can, they need it, and you need the practice..

These are the sorts of phrases that help:
"I care about you, and I know that this will be difficult news for you to hear. .. I am so sorry that this news will cause you pain, because I know you've already suffered so much heartache ... If you need some time, its yours..just so you know..I'm right here...There's no need for you to say anything at all.....I am going to be a mother/father...but I was your friend/sister/brother first, and I would like to hold your hand as you, as we go through this... Be angry if you need, i would be too..

1. Do not ask for congratulations. Many others will congratulate you and if you give the tellee time, and "hold their hand" through your telling, if you recognise their grief, allow them some space for anger, they will come back to you - when the initial intensity of their feelings lessens as this latest rollercoaster of grief evens out - they will come back to you with gratitude for your thought and care, and with genuine gladness for your news - eventually.

Thanks for reading this.

Good advice. We had tried for many years to get pregnant and resigned ourselves to it not happening.

Out of the blue it did.

I had to tell my two friends who couldn't have children/stay pregnant. Incredibly hard. Felt like I had betrayed my fellow musketeers.

But you are right, man up do it face to face, and be there for them.

They have been the best support throughout my pregnancy.

Thank you for this post.

Agree with pp. Great advice, thank you.

I'm sorry for what you have been through, but I completely disagree with 2. I would much rather find out by email so I can process it and rearrange my face into a smile by the time I see them. I find being told face to face the worst. Some announcements take your breath away and it is hard not to crumple. I'd rather do that in private.

I completely recognise that the teller of news is in a happy position and has the right to celebrate that, but a little sensitivity goes a long way. However, I think it's important to realise that your grief is not theirs and whilst it is reasonable to expect them to be considerate, I would not expect all that you set out in your post, although I completely recognise that is heartfelt and your pain shows through your words.

I don't think it's as simple as producing a definitive list of do's and dont's based on your individual experience.

I have also experienced 12yrs of infertility. I agree that many people can be thoughtless and it can be very painful but I think that the details are a very personal preference. In most cases I would actually prefer a text as that gives me chance to process my feelings in private (not during working hours though).

Sometimes face to face is harder as it puts pressure on you. I would hate going for a walk as I would like it to be over quickly so I could have time to myself ASAP.

I agree with not being told in a bar etc.

I would ever expect anyone to put their happiness aside for me either. Let them enjoy their happiness.

I tried to tell my best friend (who's been trying to conceive for about a year, no tests or anything yet) as sensitively as possible and it resulted in her not having spoken to me since February, deleting me from Facebook and loss of all contact.

At first I was heartbroken and felt very guilty but now I actually feel quite angry and that she's pretty selfish. I had been trying for over two years so it's not like I told her with a fanfare.

Hi,

I agree with sending a email / text is better to process than face to face. After yrs of infertility, I found it easier to process in private & then put in a happy face to celebrate their news. I don't feel they should limit their celebrating because of what we went through.
I am pg & suspect one of my friends is having fertility issues & I told her face to face. She cried, but claimed it was because she was so happy for me.I knew deep down she was crying for herself & we had the awkward position of both not wanting the other to be upset.
The only thing I found really irritating & insensitive was a work colleague who was 6 months pg & who knew we were waiting to start IVF just kept moaning how hard her pg was. I would have cut my arm off to be in her position. I appreciate pg can be difficult but she acted like she was the only person in the world who was pg. that day in day out was hard to manage.

So sorry to hear of your sadness.

I don't agree with 4) I'm afraid. Even in the bleakest of personal circumstances, the pregnancy of someone you care about deserves well-wishes - even if they come through tears. It's not always possible straight away, and believe me I know that some people can be hideously selfish about their announcement - but even in those cases, I have been able to focus on the new baby and find a little celebration in that.

Fortunately almost everyone who announced a pregnancy in the months after I lost DC2 was selfless, sensitive and kind (e.g. coming to visit me at home, or sending an email with an offer of a follow-up cuppa & a cuddle.) One person was insensitive, but all the guidelines in the world couldn't have cured that all the same I was happy for all 3 and congratulated them (and appreciated the sensitive 2 who had the tact not to keep asking me for reassurance/sharing blow-by-blow pregnancy news/handing on clothes that "my tummy won't fit now...")

Have also had the reverse experience - when I found out I was expecting years later, there were 3 people close to me that I knew would find it hard, and I treated both exactly how I would have wanted to be treated (face to face, in private, ensuring they had their partner/a friend present to support them, didn't hang around for reassurance/congratulations and prepared to bugger off immediately for as long as they needed) two of them took it well, one didn't - there's just no foolproof formula for such a sensitive subject...

I disagree with number one on your list. I had to announce a pregnancy to a friend who was suffering infertility and I wanted to do it by text, for both our sakes.

Some people just don't think, it'd not just about infertility. Someone started a thread the other day asking how lone parents do it. After much gushing about her dc having a Father and her a partner, she signed off it was appreciation of her dh.

You will no matter what your situation in life have people who don't think. I think the best thing is to deal with your stuff and depending on their emotional inteligence ignore or explain.

What if the person you're telling isn't the sort who feels what happens in your life affects theirs all that much? Gushing out those empathic 'phrases that help' runs the risk of you sounding like you think the world revolves around you.

It'd be like 'Uh, thanks for all that but my infertility is the problem in my life, not your lack of it'.

It's hard for me to say this as I've not had problems having children, but I'm fairly sure that anyone 'softening the blow' with phrases like you've suggested; an expectation of what you're about to say being the most upsetting thing in the world, would piss me off. I would find it melodramatic, self-important and patronising.

Down-to-earth, factual and with due reverence to my situation but not with an assumption that it will certainly wound me incredibly, would be how I'd want to hear. Honestly I think if you took me for a walk in some country hall's grounds and told me in sombre tones in a pergola or something, it would probably make me want to head butt you.

Wrote all that and realised I've cross posted with Somethingonce.

On the other hand, yes to shutting up about day-to-day woes of being pregnant around someone that can't have children. That sounds at best thoughtless and at worse spiteful.

Worth the cross post for the 'somber tones in a pergola' line.

Beautifully put, Eugene.

All sounds a tad melodramatic and, as someone else said, would piss me off more than the actual news itself.

Just tell them. In an email or text first if you feel they might prefer it that way but just say it. No fanfare needed. Just "I'm pregnant" followed by "Congratulations" and all move on.

Really just no need for all that palaver.

I have suffered with infertility and have spent lots of time with women with infertility. My best friend has been TTC for 18 years with no joy. My sister is having investigations at the moment.

This is a subject very close to my heart as I have been the receiver of pregnancy news for many years and then had to deliver news of 3 pregnancies.

I believe there isn't a one fit solution. Everyone is different .

I 100% preferred receiving the news in a text or email. I could then process the information privately with no expectations on my reaction. By the time I saw the person I could react appropriately. I still shudder at the times I've been told to my face. Trying to regain composure after the (what feels like!) a body blow. My face going hot and the whole room swimming. THAT is insensitive to me.

My friend and sister both agree that text/email is the way they prefer.

My friend (TTC 18 years) says the worst thing I did was say sorry, each time. She felt angry with me and patronised. She didn't want to be told this was 'bad news' for her. She already felt like a cow for resenting others and this just added to her guilt. She just wanted an upbeat 'just to let you know I'm 13 weeks pregnant, feeling really sick at the moment, hope you are ok" kind of message. She didn't want tiptoeing around her.

I remember the announcements to my face and then the head tilt and look of pity on the pregnant woman's face. Infertility is such a self esteem knocker that you have to careful not to pile pity on to an already hurting woman.

BTW if anyone had said those twee, patronising phrases to me they would no longer be my friend, sorry.

I don't want people to say they want to "hold my hand" through this and "acknowledge the losses" I'm experiencing after they've told me they are pregnant.

Just a simple hug and respecting your need to keep distance if you need to.

A person falling pregnant when her friend/relative can't conceive has done no wrong. Why should she feel guilty? What right does the infertile friend have to be upset at her or to expect the pregnant friend to subdue her happiness? Yes, be tactful and considerate but I don't see the need for guilt or apologetic behaviour.

Been on both sides of this also. Definitely agree tactful to-the-point text or email best. No apologies or pity parties for the other person. Then leave it. Allows for privacy.

Good advice on this thread- I think the main thing is to be considerate.
I had concerns about whether I would be able to have children and used to chat quite often to a colleague who has fertility problems. Although I didn't tell the rest of work until I was 14 weeks I took her aside the week before and told her privately I didn't want her to find out secondhand. It felt like a hard thing to do but it was the kindest (I hope)

I've been on both sides of the fence here, several years of trying and treatment before it happened. Most definitely in the camp of text or email rather than f2f. I needed time to get my head together and have a little cry for myself before responding with a happy congrats. I lived I'm dread of someone saying "have you got a minute", knowing what would come next and I'd have to keep it together. And nothing would have upset me more than some of the lines above - would have made it a whole lot worse. Just to the point and factual is fine. And definitely no apologies - infertility is horrific, the worst thing I've ever been through and made me suicidal at times. But that doesn't mean others shouldn't enjoy their moment or feel they have to say sorry because life didn't throw this particular shit sandwich their way. Just a bit of sensitivity needed, in my opinion - melodrama definitely not needed.

I'm with the majority of posters on this. I much preferred being told by text or email that way I could respond with a "OMG that's brilliant news. Congratulations" before going to sob and rock in a corner and hopefully have time to get everything under control before seeing/speaking to them. I also hated the fact that people obviously had to think how best to let me know and the sympathetic look that they inevitably gave. Not their fault, just human nature. It's bloody hard on both sides (am now -very surprisingly-16 weeks pregnant after giving up 3 years ago following 4 IUIs, 7 IVFS, 4 miscarriages and 12 years of trying).

I had the task of having to tell some close friends and we thought face to face would be better. It was done with the best of intentions but was hugely misguided and I would never do it again.

I found the angry response quite hard to deal with though I utterly understand it. But it doesn't make it any easier when you are trying your best not to hurt someone and just feel hurt and under attack too. I'd never recommend anyone to do it that way.

Having been through years of infertility treatment and miscarriages I agree with most of the posters above - email or text is much better than face to face.
Other things I also appreciated:

• acknowledging that it may be difficult for me to meet with them (my newly pregnant friend) for a while and that they will understand that.
• not complaining about their pregnancy symptoms
• not showing their ultrasound scans in my face
• not giving me enthusiastic pregnancy updates unless I ask for them

It's not that I wasn't happy for them. It's just that their news very painfully reminded me about my own unhappiness. I usually did find it difficult to maintain regular contact with newly pregnant friends (although was never unpleasant or angry towards them) but it got easier as their pregnancy progressed.

My heart sank when I read the OP. I recently texted a friend mentioning in it that I was pregnant. It wasn't thoughtless, I spent a long time considering the best way to do it and I thought about what I would have preferred after my miscarriage earlier in the year (I know a mc is different to long term fertility issues I was just trying to think in as empathetic way as possible). I came to the conclusion that I'd have rather got the news via text so I could react in whatever way was natural for me in private and congratulate them without feeling guilty.

I'm relieved there are those of you who say you'd prefer a text but I feel sick that I may have caused my friend upset.