Advice on how to announce a pregnancy sensitively to an infertile friend/family member

[bluecanoe]

Baffled by how consistently badly most close friends and family have dealt with announcing pregnancies to me and my dh throughout our 12 years of trying for a family, and in the aftermath of another painful announcement from a particularly crass brother in law, (12 years in, more accepting now and and no longer trying, it can still hurt like hell to hear badly delivered news) I googled - in some frustration- to see if there was any advice on the web for those good souls with the sensitivity to find out how best to deal with this difficult situation.

There wasn't much out there, and as this scenario is sadly never going to go away, I'm reopening this thread to share some thoughts - and advice - from the trenches as it were.

1. Never, ever, announce your happy news in a text - it's comes across as offhand, casual, thoughtless and cowardly, (which it is) and likely to catch the unfortunate recipient totally off guard and cause her - and him- even more pain.

1. Man up. The announcement is best done face to face or in a phone call at the very least. This IS hard to do. Feeling guilty? There is no need, but deal with how you are feeling - its brief, and will pass, and compared to what they are going through, it's a walk in the park.

3. Consider for a moment their vulnerability. This is the permanent desolation of childlessness versus the natural elation of pregnancy. Polar opposites. Put your happiness aside for one moment, and think about them. Spend a bit of time with them. Going for a walk is probably one of the best options, make sure you are in a private place (no pubs or bars purlease), prepare them gently by saying that you have some news which they will find very difficult to hear, then tell them.

Acknowledge their loss openly. (To clarify what I mean by loss, their lost opportunity to have a family, the loss of their future, the loss of their confidence, identity, often stagnation/loss work opportunities as all their energies will have gone into keeping themselves upright and functioning - surviving - through a terribly long, terribly hard time). If you ignore their pain and loss, as suggested in some threads, you invalidate their grief, and that is heaps more painful for them.
Mother them if you can, they need it, and you need the practice..

These are the sorts of phrases that help:
"I care about you, and I know that this will be difficult news for you to hear. .. I am so sorry that this news will cause you pain, because I know you've already suffered so much heartache ... If you need some time, its yours..just so you know..I'm right here...There's no need for you to say anything at all.....I am going to be a mother/father...but I was your friend/sister/brother first, and I would like to hold your hand as you, as we go through this... Be angry if you need, i would be too..

1. Do not ask for congratulations. Many others will congratulate you and if you give the tellee time, and "hold their hand" through your telling, if you recognise their grief, allow them some space for anger, they will come back to you - when the initial intensity of their feelings lessens as this latest rollercoaster of grief evens out - they will come back to you with gratitude for your thought and care, and with genuine gladness for your news - eventually.

Thanks for reading this.

my at-the-time best friend simply didn't tell me. She didn't see me for months and then let me see the bump. So painful, so shocking and she is no longer my best friend (range of complex reasons). But I am now the very proud mum of a 14 year old after becoming pregnant at 40. Having gone through very much crap several times and after mc. I am so happy to be a mum and so very sorry for anyone who hasn't been able to . It is a very real loss for those who were hoping to be parents.

Like many of the others on this thread, when we were undergoing treatment with month after month of disappointment, I MUCH prefered an e-mail/text so I could sob or rage as required, before responding with heartfelt congratulations.

I never resented their happines, but always needed time to process it in the face of our own sadness.

I would add a general rule of never saying 'It'll be your turn next' or other such platitiude. It's insensitive and massively offensive.

Veteran of 5 mcs here. Also have 2 dc.

Announcing something like this by text really doesn't sit right with me, tbh. I think this depends to a degree on the friend/family member and the way you usually communicate. When it happened to me not long ago, it came by email, and that was right for me and for our friendship. I would say the absolute no-no here is posting an announcement on FB without telling the friend/relative suffering mcs/infertility privately first.

I think some of you are giving the OP a bit of a hard time. Saying 'I'm sorry this will hurt you' is born of love and care. I'd rather have some slightly twee or mawkish phrases directed at me (and I don't think most of what the OP has suggested is twee or mawkish) than a cheery announcement followed by a look suggestive of expectation of delighted screams. I've encountered too many people who think their pregnancy trumps everything else - that everyone must be evidently and effusively 'happy for them', no matter what their own situation, and that it is a severe insult when someone can't give that straight away and needs time. A healthy pregnancy is happiness enough. Don't demand joy from someone who is finding it terribly hard to give it. Give them time.

Sorry don't agree with a lot of OPs comments.
I tried for 10 years to have a successful pregnancy. I agree that face to face is ok , but i would never not congratulate the pregnant friend. What sort of person would that make me?

my DB & SIL like to do a big announcement at a family event. someone else's birthday.

I am never expecting it and it makes it harder.

I have to keep up a good act, then I always go to the toilet & cry. then go back and hope no one notices I was gone a while.

a text or email would be easier. and I would like to be able to enjoy a family event without them hijacking it.

I agree with many of the posters that being told by text or email was SO much easier than face to face. I never found a text to feel too casual or off-hand.

And yes, I think I would have been really really upset if a friend had used any of those phrases from point 3.

One thing I was incredibly sensitive about when we were struggling to conceive was other people's pity. I just couldn't bare it.

I have to say I disagree with the post. I think breaking the news in such an unhappy way is just false. There is no need to behave as if you are giving them bad news.

If I really thought somebody wouldn't even feel happiness for me (inspite of their own disappointment) then I wouldn't worry too much about their reaction.

Having children is part of life. Infertile people are going to be surrounded by children all the time hard as that must be, its a fact they will have to learn to live with.

I really struggle to see why someone who knows the pain of infertility would be anything other than happy for a friend who conceived. Its not as if the two are linked.

doesn't it depend on the pregnant person? Some of my friends would use those kind of phrases and as long as you can tell they mean well it lessens the blow.

We were TTC before text messages and FB - it was so long ago! But it would have been better in many cases than face to face. Unless in a pergola of course, PSML at that.

Have been on both sides.

I don't want to see someone peering at me in pity on a pregnancy announcement walk.

I certainly don't want to hear anyone use phrases like "I am going to be a mother/father...but I was your friend/sister/brother first, and I would like to hold your hand as you, as we go through this."

I would feel so patronised and upset.

OP, I know you mean well. But I think you need to credit people with the common sense to do the right thing in their own way. Sorry, but this list gets my back up. Maybe you'd like to be showered in pity but doesn't mean the rest of us want to be bandied about in cotton wool and 'soothed' with insincere sounding platitudes.

Like some of the other posters on here I've been there... I think it's about knowing the person you're telling & making sure you do it in the right way for them. I preferred being told by the person rather than hearing the news on the grapevine. Close friends told me face to face, no apology needed. I was always happy for them. I wanted our baby; not theirs.

My brother-in-law and his wife are currently struggling to conceive, and we were really nervous about telling them when we fell pregnant. However, we mulled it over, and just went round one night and said- 'We wanted to come round and tell you that we're having a baby'. No fanfare, but equally no patronising or pity parties, as surely that'd make you feel more shit, people making a big deal of your struggle in such a way? Their best friends later tried to tell them they were pregnant, pussy-footed around the whole night, got too nervous to say anything, and they found out about it via Facebook the next day, which they were way more upset by- it made them feel rubbish thinking that their friends thought they wouldn't be happy for them. Phrases like 'Be angry if you need, I would be too…' would make me even more upset if I was in that situation- are your friends really that unreasonable that they can't still be happy for you? Life has death them an unfair hand but most people wouldn't take offence/ get angry at other people's good fortunes.

I think you need to allow some people the façade of coping. not everyone wants such a personal thing acknowledging.

I would find it invasive, upsetting and unhelpful. I need to keep my chin up.

I think it's best emailed at a time when the recipient is (likely) at home so that they can process their emotions in private.

Blue canoe I hope you are OK and not upset at the responses (including mine) on this thread. It's a very emotive subject for lots of us.

Thanks for this insight OP - sorry things have been so tough for you.
I would find it very hard to think that an infertile friend could not be happy for me if I announced a pregnancy - after all my pregnancy doesn't impact on their fertility!
This has opened my eyes as to how hard it can be to receive this news and I can see it can easily come between friends which is a real shame.

I'd be interested to hear how you tell people if you don't know their issues - even close friends don't always tell people about infertility.

And also I had/have a very close friend who came to visit when I was 10 weeks with dd1, puking everywhere. We had to tell them. She broke down and it was ghastly of me to have rubbed it in by telling them.

They'd been trying (I kid you not) for three months !!

People everywhere are assaulted every day by the things that challenge them. Bereavement, infertility, divorce, estrangement. I think we all have to just be the best people we can, love our friends and family and it'll all come out in the wash.

If you post such prescriptive advice in AIBU (it's not even an AIBU really, is it?) you should expect robust discussion.

"Allow some people the facade of coping".... brilliantly put youaremyfavouritewasteoftime

That goes for so many other issues too. I have at times felt that other people thought i owed it to them to crumble in front of them, which would have just made me feel worse!

If a pg friend said to me "I'm going to be a mother but I was your friend first, let me hold your hand as we go through this" I would want to slap her. And I really think a very loud f*ck off would come next.

Are you crazy? Who speaks to people like this? How arrogant to presume your pregnancy means so much to others. But equally how self-absorbed would someone have to be to need/want to be spoken to this way?

New life is special. It's very hard to struggle with conceiving but appalling to expect your pg friends to act as though they have cancer around you at what is probably a very happy time in their life.

Sorry OP. I hope the pain of infertility lessens for you over time but really, you're way off here.

Agree with babymakesfour

Sorry OP you're clearly having a tough time. But I don't believe you can expect everyone else to have to tiptoe around you. Life goes on. People have babies. It's the circle of life. Obviously, one would hope that your friends are sensitive, but I honestly think that's all they should be.

I actually ditched an old school friend last year. She is suffering from issues conceiving. I had told her I was pg (she wasn't impressed and made it clear) and then I very sadly had a late mc at 17 weeks. She actually had the nerve to say now at least I would know how she was feeling. She actually compared her 'loss' to losing an actual child.

I think if you are having a tough time (mentally) then you should seek support and advice from professionals. Not expect your 'non' professional friends to follow your list of demands.

Can I ask at what stage of TTC with friends you know are trying you should start/act differently or extra sensitive? A close friend has been TTC for around 1 year and is mid 30s. I know how draining every month is when its negative but in my mind there's still so much hope and no sense of "it wont happen" only it might take them a while longer yet...but would you still consider this as a situation to be extra sensitive?
I've tried to be extra supportive and positive and recommend this amazing acupuncture dude I saw, but still talking to her about my pregnancy when she asks and even inviting her to my baby shower (was this wrong?).

This thread has been eye-opening & intriguing for me.
I am currently pregnant with my first, didn't find out til I was quite far along (21 weeks)- it was totally unexpected & a massive shock.

One of my best friends has been trying for over 4 years, I knew I wanted to tell her before she found out from anyone else. We live a long way from each other so I sent a message via FB and we ended up having a long exchange, with lots of general discussion about other things too.

Another friend lives abroad- we'd gone there on holiday and a last minute evening was put together. I told my OH that I was going to text her the news- no way was I going to wait until we were all gathered over dinner, plus I looked obviously pregnant so would've known the minute I walked in.

If it was me, I'd much prefer a text or email to allow me to process it privately then get a face ready with congratulations.

It'd be far more painful hearing it face to face, unecessary torture if you ask me- with everyone expectantly watching your face for a reaction- I cannot think of anything worse!
Plus, however you felt, you'd be trapped there and have to make some excuse to get away!

I really don't agree with the approach of 'breaking bad news' it's great news but news that has to sensitively given & most of all allow the person to process things privately if they want, equally, if they want to process it with you then that's ok, although rather unlikely at that point in time.

BabyMakesFour spot on.

I'm struggling to process how someone can be so angry at someone else for announcing their pregnancy news, to the point of not talking to them ever again :S. Of course you can't help how you feel inside, but do you really expect other people to tip-toe around you? What if they want to treat you as normal, for fear of making you feel pitied?

I have plenty of sympathy for you OP, I'm just completely thrown by the self-importance of your post. I know you don't speak for everyone because my best friend has had problems TTC and she had her first pregnancy (which turned out to be ectopic) round about the time I conceived my child. She has her issues, and we talk about that, but if my pregnancy is ever discussed then its always her that brings it up. I've told her that I feel guilty as she is desperate for a child, but she tells me that I'm being silly because I've done nothing wrong. That's a true friend, someone who is happy for you when you have good news, and holds your hand when you have bad news. I don't think I could be her friend if I felt that she resented my bump/ child so much.

I much prefer a text, or even a facebook announcement because then I can deal with it in privacy, have a cry and then congratulate the friend when I've pulled myself together. I am always happy for people, but it reminds me what I'm missing. I don't want people to think they have to hide their good news. I hate face to face, because I have to fight back the tears. I don't want to be pitied or patronised. Maybe it's my British reserve but if anyone used the phrases suggested, I would feel very uncomfortable.

I do think some people can be very insensitive. For example, going on about how easily they got pregnant. How their partner has super sperm, they so fertile etc. I also find it insensitive when people moan non stop about pregnancy, that's something I'd rather not hear about when I'd give anything to be in their position.