Advice on how to announce a pregnancy sensitively to an infertile friend/family member

[bluecanoe]

Baffled by how consistently badly most close friends and family have dealt with announcing pregnancies to me and my dh throughout our 12 years of trying for a family, and in the aftermath of another painful announcement from a particularly crass brother in law, (12 years in, more accepting now and and no longer trying, it can still hurt like hell to hear badly delivered news) I googled - in some frustration- to see if there was any advice on the web for those good souls with the sensitivity to find out how best to deal with this difficult situation.

There wasn't much out there, and as this scenario is sadly never going to go away, I'm reopening this thread to share some thoughts - and advice - from the trenches as it were.

1. Never, ever, announce your happy news in a text - it's comes across as offhand, casual, thoughtless and cowardly, (which it is) and likely to catch the unfortunate recipient totally off guard and cause her - and him- even more pain.

1. Man up. The announcement is best done face to face or in a phone call at the very least. This IS hard to do. Feeling guilty? There is no need, but deal with how you are feeling - its brief, and will pass, and compared to what they are going through, it's a walk in the park.

3. Consider for a moment their vulnerability. This is the permanent desolation of childlessness versus the natural elation of pregnancy. Polar opposites. Put your happiness aside for one moment, and think about them. Spend a bit of time with them. Going for a walk is probably one of the best options, make sure you are in a private place (no pubs or bars purlease), prepare them gently by saying that you have some news which they will find very difficult to hear, then tell them.

Acknowledge their loss openly. (To clarify what I mean by loss, their lost opportunity to have a family, the loss of their future, the loss of their confidence, identity, often stagnation/loss work opportunities as all their energies will have gone into keeping themselves upright and functioning - surviving - through a terribly long, terribly hard time). If you ignore their pain and loss, as suggested in some threads, you invalidate their grief, and that is heaps more painful for them.
Mother them if you can, they need it, and you need the practice..

These are the sorts of phrases that help:
"I care about you, and I know that this will be difficult news for you to hear. .. I am so sorry that this news will cause you pain, because I know you've already suffered so much heartache ... If you need some time, its yours..just so you know..I'm right here...There's no need for you to say anything at all.....I am going to be a mother/father...but I was your friend/sister/brother first, and I would like to hold your hand as you, as we go through this... Be angry if you need, i would be too..

1. Do not ask for congratulations. Many others will congratulate you and if you give the tellee time, and "hold their hand" through your telling, if you recognise their grief, allow them some space for anger, they will come back to you - when the initial intensity of their feelings lessens as this latest rollercoaster of grief evens out - they will come back to you with gratitude for your thought and care, and with genuine gladness for your news - eventually.

Thanks for reading this.

Thanks for this, will be announcing soon and I was a bit unsure how to tell my auntie. It's too late for her to have children now but I know she has always wanted them, unfortunately she just wasn't able to. I think she's mostly accepted it but I'm guessing the pain never really goes away.

I've just remembered something I said to a good friend years ago when I was having a rant about being pitied:

"What they (pregnant people) don't understand is that I'm not remotely jealous of anyone else's pregnancy or anyone else's baby. The only baby I want and miss is MY baby."

I have been on both sides of this situation and when i was the one ttc i was nothing but happy and excited for my pregnant friend. It was difficult at times but as a true friend i wanted to be there for her and be a part of her baby's life. I would hate to think i was being pittied and everything op suggests would have enraged me and made it so much more diffcult. I love babies and am always excited to hear baby news, whether it's mine or not.

I do think the other side of this is the pressure on the non-pregnant person be happy and excited for the pregnant person - a pressure many of you are talking about in saying that you would rather fall apart in private and then pull yourself together.

I've only ever been on the other side of this, for which I'm very grateful, but I did have to think very hard about how to tell my 2 best girlfriends and my dsil about my 3rd pg.

In the end, I did 2 of the 3 privately in person, and the 3rd over the phone (because we live too far apart).

In all 3 cases I was open and honest about recognising this was hard for them, and we talked openly about their issues.

All 3 of them would have been heartbroken to see the suggestion that they shouldn't have been happy for me, even whilst acknowledging their own pain, however.

PS In a happy footnote, rather amazingly, all 3 were pg within the following 8 weeks, so there are 3 small people nearly the same age as dc3 which feels quite magical.

Definately by E-mail or FB message (perhaps txt is a bit too short).. it is always going to be a shock. And in an E-mail you can give a bit of warning too saying you have news then the person can choose not to read it at that precise moment.

I was told yesterday by someone who has also been struggling with infertiity that they were pregnant. The second announcement to come at the beginning of a party! Definately don't do it just before a party / gathering.

All I could think of was not now not now please not now. But I had no control. I hate being put in that position.

The horrific fear when people tell you they have news / something to tell you. I was still in denial until she actually spelled it out.

And I hate the way I feel people gauge my reaction I don't want them to see my initial reaction. And please don't start talking about my loss / grief blimey what a complete melt down that would cause!

My husband and I just told his brother and SIL of our 10wk pregnancy this weekend. They've been TTC for 5 yrs and we've always been quite open about not wanting children (we do now). We live 4,000 miles away from our home country, so face-to-face wasn't an option. We realised how difficult this news might be for them so we sent them a Whatsapp (they don't use email) and explained why we were telling them with a message and we understand it's difficult news for them and we'd be on Skype if they wanted to chat.... They messages straight back with congratulations and skyped later on excited about being an uncle and aunt!

Everyone is different and every situation is different. You can only do what you think is best at that time for those people.

I'm grateful for this thread. Im 18 weeks PG and my best friend is having IVF and had one round fail when I found out I was PG. I told her face to face as we are best friends and thought this was the right thing to do. I've no idea if it was best for her or not and reading on here how a lot of you would have preferred a text or email but I can't help but think you can't necessarily know the right way. My friend was happy for me and I made an effort for it not to be all baby chat at all. They've since had round 2 fail also.
I'm sad however her husband has disowned our friendship having been extremely close before and hasn't once asked how I am, not asking him to ask about my pregnancy but there are other things to chat about in life such as holidays, weekend plans etc but despite me contacting him he ignores me.
I'm devastated but am trying to come to terms with losing a best friend over the fact I'm pregnant and they aren't.
It really is hard and I'd like to think I'm a sensitive person who puts others first but admit having never been in that situation of trying to conceive and it not happening I just don't know how it really is for them. I can't hide my pregnancy but I'm not splashing it on FB. I hope time heals our friendship back together.

There were two people we were worried about telling when I was pregnant with ds, a couple who had been trying for 10 years and a friend who had recently had a late loss. We told the couple over the phone and the friend by text. You say op that not doing it face to face is "cowardly" but it really isn't. We were trying to avoid they horrible situation where they feel obliged to be happy/not cry/smile when all they want to do is rage or cry. We weren't thoughtless, we thought that over the phone gave them more control over how to deal with the news. The couple were very happy for us but me friend didn't see or speak to me for well over a year, until she'd had a baby herself.
The couple are family so we also made sure that all of the other family were told quietly and privately-no big announcement with all of the family together as that would have just been shitty for them.

Been on both sides. Watched everyone around me get pregnant for 8 long years. Would have always preferred a text than having to plant a fake smile on, also hate being pitied.

I think we all deal with things differently and what works for one doesn't for another.

I read the first post with dismay as I had told my friend (who was unsuccessfully ttc) by text. Because I thought she could react privately and then show her public congratulations. I did tell her first out of all our friends so that she didn't find out in the pub from someone else. This way she was the first to know.

This is what I'd preferred when I was ttc. I have to say it's unreasonable to expect the person you are telling to be sad. Of course they are more mature than that and generally will show their sadness at their own situation privately.

I'd agree with the PP who have said that it is much better to hear by email or text so I could sob for my own sorrow first and then be excited about the pregnancy to their face, rather have to have to deal with the body blow in front of them. A friend sent me a nice card with the news sandwiched in lots of chat, so that was lovely.

All the phrases in section 3 of the OP sound awful to me and I would be terribly patronised if anyone had said them to me.

I also appreciated it, as stubbed did, when people told me as one of the first so I didn't need to find out in a big group gathering.

Scan photos on FB are hard, especially when people change their profile picture to one so it appears everywhere.

I told a my relative who's been trying for a long time by message, so she could digest it in private. She messages back early quickly with lots of positivity.

My pregnancy is on my FB, because I have friends and family far and wide. I don't expect everyone to be genuinely happy for us, but nor would I expect rudeness. I believe that every baby deserves to be celebrated and welcomed, irrespective of others peoples difficulties. I say that after 7 years of hurt and grief after my own loss. Everyone deals with loss differently, and while I respectful and considerate, I still have to carry on, and I will still celebrate my miracle. Surely being appreciative isn't flaunting?

For 7 years I have not only grieved, but I have had a gripping phobia of being pregnant again, only to find myself very surprised and terrified to be here again, and I'm doing ok. The OP means well, but there is a sense that apology is needed, when frankly it isn't. I can be sorry that someone isn't pregnant when they badly want or need to be, without being sorry that I am pregnant. In 7 years I have celebrated, welcomed and embraced a good few babies. Sometimes it was bittersweet in tinges. It was harder before they actually arrived if that makes sense. But by god, they wee without exception all wonderful and deserving of celebration.

I'm allowed to be excited, as well as in pain, and terrified. Sometimes I may offend without meaning to, and I would never mean to. But right now, my pg dominates my life, my all day and every day evolves around my bump, in a way that my loss and grief did for a while and would then stab me here and there. But I can't help that it dominates me.

I hope my story and feelings don't offend anyone

I've also been on both sides and far preferred to be told by text or email. I don't want to make someone else's pregnancy announcement all about me. Actually the only person who told me face to face was my ex boyfriend (who I had tried to conceive with for many years) and resulted in me bawling my eyes out in front of him for two hours. Not good. :-(

When I finally had a successful pregnancy last year we held off announcing to most people until 20 weeks (via a discreet fb status, no scan pic). However before I did the fb thing I emailed two of my childless friends as I knew they would find the news a bit difficult. Both told me how much they appreciated it, and both were happy for me as they knew how long and how difficult it had been for me to get pregnant.

It took 3 years of TTC and 8 months of IVF for me to get PG, and I have to say I never felt anything other than happy for my friends pregnancy announcements. I agree with some of the other posters that, having someone apologise about being PG or tell me that they "have some news I might find difficult" would upset me far more because it is patronizing and presumptuous that I am unable to be happy for my friends! That would make me far more angry and upset than the announcement of a pregnancy!
I think it is better to just be sensitive to the situation by thinking about what you say... For example if it was easy for you to conceive maybe don't mention that! Don't whinge about your pg symptoms - pick another friend to talk about that to. After the initial announcement maybe don't bring it up unless they do....
Unfortunately there are some people who feel they can't see or speak to their pg friends because of their own struggle to conceive because it it too painful. It is important to respect that, though personally I think it is likely that insensitivity is more likely a factor - just think about what you say!
I personally never felt jealous or upset about my friend's pgs when TTC, I was happy for those celebrating their pgs and births because I knew how much I wanted it myself.
I think the most important thing is to be supportive of those struggling with infertility and reassure them that one way or another they can become a parent too be it through treatment, adoption or natural conception. But assuming their infertility has made them bitter and unable to be happy for others is unfair.

I've really found some of these posts really helpful and eye opening.

I told a close friend I was pregnant before anyone else as we had both starting TTC around 6 months earlier and I thought she would be excited for us. I was wrong! She had just started tests to find out why they hadn't been able to conceive and went into a complete meltdown. She told me that she deserved a baby more than me as her and her DH were married, I thought my baby was a joke, I was a silly little girl etc.

Her words cut my massively and came as a complete shock. I could understand her upset and frustration with her situation but I don't think she had the right to react the way she did.

This went on for the first few months of my pregnancy, abusive phone calls and texts to me and OP until I broke down and I've had to stay away from her to protect myself and my happiness.

It's just a shitty situation for all parties involved, I do miss her loads but I think the damage done now.

A friend of mine was struggling with conceiving, and we discussed how she'd like to find out if someone close to her was pregnant - like the majority of posters here she said she'd prefer to find out by text or e mail, at a time when she'd most likely be at home. And to have the space to be left for a little while before responding and not to feel pressure to respond happily straight away.

My god stinky that was completely out of order behaviour from your friend!

I would have hated to have been taken on a walk and told I was going to hear very difficult news. I'm not a child and it's not for anyone else to say how I should/would take the news.

It's very difficult and everyone's different. But for me personally, I can have more than one emotion at a time. I was devastated by my miscarriage but delighted for a friend who'd got pregnant at the same time. She told me by e-mail, and that was best, as I got chance to cry and be cross for myself before composing myself and congratulating her.

Stinky I'm sorry your friend reacted that way that sounds like outrageous behavior, especially as it carried on after her initial outburst! I think it is sad that some people react in such a way to someone else's happy news... I have a friend who took a massive step back from her closest, newly married friends when her engagement broke off and I found it really upsetting at the time but now I think it was really her loss. She turned up at one friend's wedding where she was supposed to be a bridesmaid and claimed she had forgotten her dress so was dropping out - but didn't bother to tell the actual bride!!!
I would never want to lose my friends because they had children and I didn't because my friendships are more important than that.
Saying that, a few insensitive comments made me think twice about my friends when we'd been trying for 3 years..."you probably have dodgy eggs", "adoption isn't the same as having your own children", "I can't believe how quickly we conceived, people said it would take ages but it was so easy!" and "it is selfish to want children, especially through IVF" were among the classics...

"It is selfish to want children, especially through IVF"

What an awful thing to say! I can't believe anyone would be that twatish to say something like that!

Acer, my friend keeps wanting to meet up. I met up with her once but it was just stressful for both of us, she gets herself so worked up that it is difficult to say or do the right thing to help her. I might suggest we meet up and agree not to discuss what has happened as we will just go round in circles and neither of us will benefit from the stress or drama. We just need to both go forward, hopefully with playing an active and positive roles in one and others lives

Stinky - yes it is rather twatish isn't it! Ha ha
It sounds like your friend is struggling to the point that she maybe depressed and unable to cope which I think is one way infertility can affect people....I think it depends on what your friendship was like before all this as to how you should tackle it. If she has always been selfish and a bit unhinged I'd avoid the stress but if she was previously a good friend then she deserves your support... Infertility is very, very tough and everyone reacts differently, however I don't think it is an excuse to be abusive to others just becuase they are pg and you aren't...

I've been on both sides, had 2 really badly done announcements just after my second mc. One even had the same due date as me which couldn't be helped obviously but she didn't have the consideration to not bombard me with every detail and then tell me her ms was that bad if she had been offered an abortion she would have taken it
It was her lack of thought for anyone else that upset me, she's just done the same to another friend who had a very late loss last year. Told her in front of loads of people assuming she already knew and then asked for her maternity clothes back.
Whereas I text this girl to tell her I was pg, before we told anyone wise so she would have time to digest it and not having others looking at her to see if she was upset.
No matter what way you tell people, it's always easier for them if they know you're being thoughtful towards them and considerate of their feelings