Baffled by how consistently badly most close friends and family have dealt with announcing pregnancies to me and my dh throughout our 12 years of trying for a family, and in the aftermath of another painful announcement from a particularly crass brother in law, (12 years in, more accepting now and and no longer trying, it can still hurt like hell to hear badly delivered news) I googled - in some frustration- to see if there was any advice on the web for those good souls with the sensitivity to find out how best to deal with this difficult situation.
There wasn't much out there, and as this scenario is sadly never going to go away, I'm reopening this thread to share some thoughts - and advice - from the trenches as it were.
- Never, ever, announce your happy news in a text - it's comes across as offhand, casual, thoughtless and cowardly, (which it is) and likely to catch the unfortunate recipient totally off guard and cause her - and him- even more pain.
- Man up. The announcement is best done face to face or in a phone call at the very least. This IS hard to do. Feeling guilty? There is no need, but deal with how you are feeling - its brief, and will pass, and compared to what they are going through, it's a walk in the park.
- Consider for a moment their vulnerability. This is the permanent desolation of childlessness versus the natural elation of pregnancy. Polar opposites. Put your happiness aside for one moment, and think about them.
Spend a bit of time with them. Going for a walk is probably one of the best options, make sure you are in a private place (no pubs or bars purlease), prepare them gently by saying that you have some news which they will find very difficult to hear, then tell them.
Acknowledge their loss openly. (To clarify what I mean by loss, their lost opportunity to have a family, the loss of their future, the loss of their confidence, identity, often stagnation/loss work opportunities as all their energies will have gone into keeping themselves upright and functioning - surviving - through a terribly long, terribly hard time). If you ignore their pain and loss, as suggested in some threads, you invalidate their grief, and that is heaps more painful for them.
Mother them if you can, they need it, and you need the practice..
These are the sorts of phrases that help:
"I care about you, and I know that this will be difficult news for you to hear. .. I am so sorry that this news will cause you pain, because I know you've already suffered so much heartache ... If you need some time, its yours..just so you know..I'm right here...There's no need for you to say anything at all.....I am going to be a mother/father...but I was your friend/sister/brother first, and I would like to hold your hand as you, as we go through this... Be angry if you need, i would be too..
- Do not ask for congratulations. Many others will congratulate you and if you give the tellee time, and "hold their hand" through your telling, if you recognise their grief, allow them some space for anger, they will come back to you - when the initial intensity of their feelings lessens as this latest rollercoaster of grief evens out - they will come back to you with gratitude for your thought and care, and with genuine gladness for your news - eventually.
Thanks for reading this.