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Pregnancy

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Original poster

First baby: how to stop MIL buying stuff for it!

125 replies

Gemmitygem · 26/06/2006 10:05

I'm sure I'm not the first, but basically:

MIL has bought an awful lot of stuff for our (unborn) 1st baby, due October. Not just a few things, she's bought boxes and boxes of clothes, snowsuits, towels, vests, socks, absolutely everything; also a car seat, bath, pram and moses basket so that if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to buy anything for the baby at all..

It's kind of her, and she means well, but it makes me feel so panicky: I just don't want it! Now some of the stuff I can reasonably say that we'll keep at hers and use for visits (e.g. the pram etc), but it's the clothes that are the problem.

This sounds ungrateful, but I actually don't want anything for the baby: I haven't bought anything for it yet but am really looking forward to choosing little things for it myself or with DH, and really it would be great if our parents would say 'we'd like to get something, what would you like?'

My own mum is also very excited about the baby but wouldn't dream of buying loads of stuff without asking if we wanted/needed it.

I would have to be extremely direct to get the message across to MIL that we don't want any more stuff, (or even harder, that we don't want the existing stuff) as she is not easily fobbed off, but we hardly ever see her and I don't want her to think I'm rude or hurt her feelings because it's her way of showing she cares.

Any of you been in this situation and have any advice? Much appreciated!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SparklyGothKat · 26/06/2006 10:09

is it her first grandchild??? I would take the clothes and put them on when she is coming round, then not use them any other time.

SparklyGothKat · 26/06/2006 10:10

Say to her that you have got enough now, and to put any money that she wishes to spend into a saving account for the baby

Pruni · 26/06/2006 10:11

Message withdrawn

pucca · 26/06/2006 10:12

Ooh i have been there bought the t-shirt

My MIL used to bring all sorts of toys and clothes for my dd, tbh i just thanked her and took them, it is the thought that counts and she probably thinks she is doing the right thing, her heart is in the right place.

You can still pick your own stuff, i wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Cappucino · 26/06/2006 10:14

can't she put the money away in a child trust fund or something when it's born? could you suggest that she opens an account

if you said - we've got so much now, we were wondering if this would be an idea?

it amazes me that some kids have all the latest stuff and hundreds of clothes and then no savings for when they grow up

Original poster

Gemmitygem · 26/06/2006 10:15

Thanks for advice..

It's hard though cos we live abroad, so don't have our own place in the UK. I don't want to have to ship all the stuff out! we are talking basically about 6-7 big boxes of clothes...

arggghhh!

OP posts:

KTeePee · 26/06/2006 10:16

If she has already bought you lots of newborn clothes, could you try to ask her not to buy any more in that size "as they get given so much when they are born" and maybe see if you can exchange some for a bigger size? (Lots of places will do that even without a receipt). I don't think I "needed" to buy any of mine anything for the first two years! You could also say that you are superstitious and don't want any baby things in the house until towards the end of your pregnancy

shhhh · 26/06/2006 10:17

Gosh I feel for you...I had x2 mc before we had dd so with dd mil wasn't so bad..BUT on the other 2 occasions it was similar although you have got it 10x worse than I did..MIL was buying clothes and telling others when we asked for noone to know etc.

I have sympathy for you and feel for you.TBH I don't even put dd in any of the clothes that my parents of pil have bought for her when I know they are seeing her I just use them as and when. If you do the same can you not return and exchange some of the clothes..?? I have done that where I have been bought something from either set that I don't like or want, I just exchange it for something else..??

I would also get dh/dp to have a word with her although I know how hard it can be,just something like " instead of buying loads how about saving for baba so she can buy a car/house etc when she's old enough". TBH it's not worked with mil as she replied "oh when she's 18 I will just buy her a car" . Mum however puts into dd's money box about £1 a week.She does also still buy the odd thing but suppose it does come in handy .

Also what about suggesting useful items such as nappies..? MIL did help us out by buying nappies etc. Again if the size was wrong etc most supermarkets are happy to xchange.

HTH.

shhhh · 26/06/2006 10:17

Also what about suggesting useful items such as nappies..? MIL did help us out by buying nappies etc. Again if the size was wrong etc most supermarkets are happy to xchange.

HTH.

KTeePee · 26/06/2006 10:17

If she is in the UK and you are not, I wouldn't make any effort to ship them out - if she wants to post them at her own cost then let her!

shhhh · 26/06/2006 10:19

X POSTS AND DIDN'T MEAN TO POST X2..[BLUSH].

SophieB · 26/06/2006 10:40

I've got the same problem Gemmitygem! when the MIL found out i was pregnant i was only 4 weeks and she had already gone out a brought clothes!! its only got worse to be honest, she's broght loads of bits i dont need or i wont use! just do what i do, have a word with your partner and everytime MIL shows you new stuff she has brought, just sound like you love it but think to yourself, 'that will find its way to the back of the drawer or to a charity shop!' dont worry all MIL's are like it!

snowleopard · 26/06/2006 10:41

Gem, make sure you make that shopping trip and choose something for your baby just from you. I know how you feel though in my case it was a range of people buying stuff - I remember thinking "I would like my baby to wear something I chose". In hospital I put him in a t-shirt I'd bought and gave him a little toy I had picked and that mattered a lot to me.

You don't have to use all the stuff - using things as presents, giving them to charity, selling some etc will all work, as well as using what you need. Could you ask MIL to ship it as that is what you would really appreciate?

TBH I think MIL is excited and doing all this because she loves to buy baby stuff and can't resist. She's not really thinking of you. Let her indulge herself and don't let it stop you choosing those little things, it's such a special part of having a baby.

Tortington · 26/06/2006 11:25

e-bay it - and put the money into an account for your baby.

better than letting them go mouldy in a box somewhere imo

Spatz · 26/06/2006 11:35

I know how you feel - I felt our baby was being taken over by everyone else with all the stuff we were bought. tbh she didn't wear alot of the 'gifts'. There is something about a MIL that makes this extra annoying, though.

My stepmother insists on buying dd (now aged 5) an 'outfit' for christmas and birthday and is then hurt if she doesn't wear it. I don't know what makes her think she can decide what she will wear on a special day. I also feel bad because I can't lie about it.

I'm not sure there is an easy answer, but in your case at least she won't be around to see if you're using the stuff. I think I'd try and ask dh to ask her to stop and save instead.

jamsambam · 26/06/2006 11:40

how about asking her to keep everything she has bought at her house untill baby is home, then she can have a whale of a time reorganising the right stuff, she can return anything else and then you only have too get the rest out when she visits. i wisjh i had had this problem, i wasnt even allowed to tell my own family as 'other' people did it...
it does seem silly to alot of people, but these things can really stress a new mum, dont keep it all to yourself, tell dh at least..

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 11:45

Your MIL is excited and thinks she's being helpful and kind, which she is, and you're cross about it - why? I just don't see the problem tbh and I think if you say anything it will be rude and it will hurt her feelings. Where's the harm in smiling and graciously accepting her gifts? She wants to do something to prepare for her grandchild so why can't you let her? There's nothing to stop you buying stuff too you know! And babies grow very fast, it'll grow out of most of it within 2 months.

shhhh · 26/06/2006 12:35

www but there is a big difference between being excited and smothering someone imo.

DevilsAdvocado · 26/06/2006 12:45

www huge difference. when I had my dd my MIL went totally OTT.. in the end I made it clear she was her GRANDmother, not her MOTHER. I swear, if she could have birthed her she would have done!! DH is her only son and she just got carried away I think.

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 12:47

But they don't even live in the same country! How can a mil smother from that far away?

shhhh · 26/06/2006 12:49

by constantly buying..!!!!!! lol ..

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 12:50

Sorry, I just don't get it? it's not an awful thing to do imo! Poor mil, I feel quite sorry for her actually. And all this will become v trivial in the grand scheme of things once the baby's born, blimey, there won't be time to stress about trivia like this. IMO.

DevilsAdvocado · 26/06/2006 12:50

It's as if they are taking over, controlling "Thy child shalt weareth these clothes that shall forewith only be purchased by thy MIL"

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2006 12:51

Shouldn't be ? after firs tline, sorry!

DevilsAdvocado · 26/06/2006 12:51

Are you close to your MIL WWW? (she isn't the one that did the elastic band thing was she, or was that someone else?)

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