First baby: how to stop MIL buying stuff for it!

[Gemmitygem]

I'm sure I'm not the first, but basically:

MIL has bought an awful lot of stuff for our (unborn) 1st baby, due October. Not just a few things, she's bought boxes and boxes of clothes, snowsuits, towels, vests, socks, absolutely everything; also a car seat, bath, pram and moses basket so that if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to buy anything for the baby at all..

It's kind of her, and she means well, but it makes me feel so panicky: I just don't want it! Now some of the stuff I can reasonably say that we'll keep at hers and use for visits (e.g. the pram etc), but it's the clothes that are the problem.

This sounds ungrateful, but I actually don't want anything for the baby: I haven't bought anything for it yet but am really looking forward to choosing little things for it myself or with DH, and really it would be great if our parents would say 'we'd like to get something, what would you like?'

My own mum is also very excited about the baby but wouldn't dream of buying loads of stuff without asking if we wanted/needed it.

I would have to be extremely direct to get the message across to MIL that we don't want any more stuff, (or even harder, that we don't want the existing stuff) as she is not easily fobbed off, but we hardly ever see her and I don't want her to think I'm rude or hurt her feelings because it's her way of showing she cares.

Any of you been in this situation and have any advice? Much appreciated!

I've had exactly the same problem with my MIL and found it extremely stressful to deal with. My SIL had a baby 1 year before me and her mum bought her gazillions of stuff and I think she feels she has to do the same with us. I think it's so wasteful and immoral to buy, buy, buy and come from a family where this would never happen but found the following reasonably effective.

1. lie, say you've got stuff the same already
2. explain you have family and friends too who have offered certain items as gifts or a loan
3. pressure dp to 'discuss' issue with mum
4. say you're really pushed for storage space (we are) and will need to give items which are too small away

dp's family still very generous but its calmed down and I can now accually appreciate gifts rather than feel overwhelmed all the time.

all you guys with interested MILs should count yourselves lucky - DD2 is 14 months old now and MIl has seen her only 3 or 4 times. They live 50 miles away and couldn't find the time to visit her after my second CS until she was 6 weeks old. They 'don;t do Christmas', sent a £20 note in an envelope for her first birthday and occasionally send something from the Adams out of season sale (in the wrong size). That's the extent of their interest - I'd love for them to be more involved, so, as I say, think yourselves lucky.

Lord this thread is bizarre. How can you possibly describe as "stressful" somebody buying your kids lots of clothes?

Stressful is when you can't afford to buy your kids clothes, not when you've got them coming out of your ears.

Perspective please, people!

Fair point Mogwai.
I was being flippant.

My own family is staggeringly unmaterialistic (which I am happy about). My parents have never been buyers.
It was quite a (pleasant!) shock to me when PIL heaped things on us.

That whole power through buying/not buying thing you allude to is bloody weird I agree.

It's extraordinary how many changes of clothes a small baby can get through in one day, what with newborn poo/posset etc. etc. You might be glad you've got loads of clothes to choose from! We were also given loads of stuff (first grandchild) and it was really helpful - meant I wasn't constantly pegging washing out. It's my poor sister who had the third grandchild I feel sorry for, she got all the stuff I'd passed on to my other sister passed on, plus all the stuff other sister had bought/passed on from her ds!

I know that feeling of having so much STUFF to deal with, but bless her, she's just excited about your baby. Just remind her, gently, that you don't actually have anywhere permanent to live so won't be able to store all this clobber. Ask her if she can keep most of it at hers until you've worked out your living arrangements. But do let her know you appreciate the gesture - she means well.

My mIL is just the same. Polite requests have failed, DP is too meek with her so awkwardly it's up to me to say something and they're just not that sort of family that speak their minds, and no-one ever speaks up to her.
It DEFINITELY WILL matter once the baby's born - you DO want to buy stuff for your own child - if you don't nip it in the bud, it will go on and on, she will think it's OK. At some point, you HAVE to say something. It IS smothering, it's more than just "being kind", (those of you that say that have simply never experienced what we've experienced so forcefuly) - she has to realise she's the grandmother and not the mother. My MIL buys more presents at Xmas than everyone else (family and friends) put together and when I finally told her politely but directly, she STILL missed the point - big sulky pouting, "don't mean to embarrass you" (you're not), "I won't go shopping then I'll just give you a cheque" (NO NO NO!!!!) Apart from anything, I hate money being wasted. GRRRRR!!!!

I agree, it really, genuinely can be stressful when someone keeps buying you stuff you don't want, even if they do mean well. If they were really, really thinking of you, wouldn't they come to you first and say "How best can I help?" or "I'd love to buy something for the baby if that's OK, what do you need/want and should I wait till after the birth?" And the worst thing about over-generosity is if you find it difficult, well they are the nice generous person and you are obviously an ungrateful cow. I really think it sometimes - though of course not always - can be a way of being controlling. I have certainly experienced it as such.

Also I don't like it when people say "get a grip, this isn't a real problem, what if you were penniless blah blah". We all come on here and air our woes and moans, trivial and non-trivial alike. We all get worked up about stuff that doesn't matter all that much in the scheme of things - but how you feel is how you feel. And don't forget, how you feel when pregnant is magnified 100 times.

Can I do a bit of amateur psychology too?

I think it is difficult for MIL's - I can see why they would worry that their DIL's mother would have an open ticket to see adored grandchild 24 hours a day, where as they have to get past the gateway of the DIL. I think it is particularly difficult when there is geographical distance between MIL and grandchild. Also, having done all the tough actual childcare bit, I think many grandparents think "sod it, I just want to have fun and buy loads". I think this is particularly the case if they didn't have much money to spare when bringing up their own children. I suspect this might be how I will feel...

From the point of view of the DIL, it is really easy to forget how much control you have over your own child, and get into a weird mindset where every comment/action a grand parent makes is a critiscism. It is quite controlling to buy something expensive for somebody without asking them, even if this is not the conscious intention. Cultural differences also cause problems. Both DH and I loved a particular series of children's books written in the 30's and 40's. I got upset when MIL decided she wanted to buy the complete set for DS, when I wanted to pass on the tatty old set that my mother had had as a child. It should be noted that these books are aimed at 10 year olds, and DS was weeks old at the time. We also clashed because MIL is very much of the "respectability is judged by being turned out well" school and couldn't understand why I hadn't bought about 50 different new born baby grows for DS and was a bit 'surprised' that he wore hand me downs.

Now, as I look forward to a romantic childfree weekend away knowing that MIL is the one person who will look forward to 2 days of being run ragged by toddler DS, I cannot imagine what my problem was.

I agree, I think when pregnant, we are entitled to feel the way we feel and if something stresses us, then it stresses us and there's nothing we can do about it. I take my elderly neighbour shopping every week, she is shorter and more frail than me. Because I am pregnant, she barely lets me put anything in my trolley and 'shouts' at me if I do; am also not allowed to put shopping into the bags or into the car....yet my Dad thinks I should let her do all this for me and not get stressed....but I do. (went a bit off topic there, sorry, but I really do think that people saying "don't stress" actually just undermines the validity of my own feelings anyway!!!).

I will be interested to see what sort of interest my PIL show when the baby arrives - they are a flight and several hours away, but I still don't intend to let them take over (partly because they've never shown any support to us over 9 years; don't take an interest in us generally and I don't like their values!!), but I will wait with interest!

As for what I would be like as a MIL, I think I would try and take my lead from my stepmother who has been a brill MIL to my DH and to her son's OH.

Platypus,so eloquently put!

I agree with platypus too. I felt a bit like this with my MIL too when I was pg with DS. But 5 1/2 years later I have got things in a bit more perspective and my ILs are definitely more help/support than my parents. Feel a bit mean saying that when DS and DD have been to stay overnight at Mum and Dad's this weekend.

my mil has yet to acknowledge ds2 who is 4 month old. As a mother of two boys i knew i will walk a tight line with a dil.

What amazes me is that these parents in law aren't superstitious. There was a time when people ordered the cot and the pram and didn't pick it up until the baby was born safely and was coming home.

I would have thought in-laws would be of that generation. The only thing my MIL did wrong this time was buy newborn bodysuits, when I had bought and washed exactly the same ones already. So we just swapped them for the next size up. She sent the clothes after the baby had been born.

I think it's madness for anyone to buy anything in the first trimester. Anything can happen. I would feel it is tempting fate (I'm a pessimist).

What you haven't realised yet, darling, is that you are the boss. It's good Being A Mum practise to look at yourself every day in the mirror and say, possibly in a Yardie voice, "I am the boss. I run ting." Then pretend to shoot an imaginary assailant with two cocked fingers. Then blow on the tips. Then go and have a nice cup of raspberry leaf tea.
Platypus is right. In the main, thank God for the over-bearing MIL. I've got a Greek battleaxe who drove me crazy before I dropped 2 DDs. Now I just think, as I cruise up the motorway to Birmingham, "You want to be in charge of the girls, Yia-yia? Great. I'm off to TopShop for three hours."

LOL LordVenger, will try that one!!

My MIL is a pain...although,my husband had a huge blow out with her over the fact that she didn't get to take my sister to dinner when she was over visiting from Seattle...for the birth of our daughter...of course, MIL knew months in advance that my sister was coming didn't mention dinner out to my husband or myself once...also, refuses to call before coming over to our house...as its her son, you see, she doesn't need to...and the have said that because I am American, I just have to put up with it because thats how things are done here....

You are very lucky to have people want to buy things for you in my opinion!

Your MIL can't control your life unless you are going to collude with that. I think you should relax, tell her how generous she has been and how much you appreciate it. If you don't like what you have been given then just return it for a refund or sell it and put the money into a savings account for your baby.

If there is no more space for more stuff then say so. And if your MIL says no problem you can store it all at hers then again I think you should be grateful. After all, this isn't just your baby, its also her grandchild - can't you share the excitement?

Difficult one. I had several miscarriages before my son was born so, during pregnancy with him, I was terribly nervous and superstitious.

I asked my mum NOT to buy anything for the baby until he was born, but she didn't listen. Worse, a well meaning neighbour (pensioner, desperate for grandchildren, etc etc) kept coming round with yucky tat from the charity shop she worked in - some of it was fine (nothing against charity shops) but most of it was somewhat grubby.

Your MIL is being rather OTT and I think she is also being self-indulgent. Realistically, there's not much you can do about it as she has already got so much stuff.

However, perhaps you could eBay some of it if you don't need it and get some £££ back??

HTH xxxx

gem - was exactly the same as you, but you can take most stuff back to shops and get vouchers, I did with as much stuff as poss, was all pink and frills and mil bought everything except nappies which was what i could do with (!) then in mothercare go and buy a mattress or something useful when you need it! Other stuff i ebayed or sent to someone here on mumsnet for Iraqi children. At least someone will use it1 good luck!

OK obviously there are bigger problems in the world than having lots of gifts bestowed on you but it can be stressful. I think my MIL had a total fear of being left out and therefore went a bit overboard. My inlaws don't have a lot of money and I felt so guilty that I couldn't use all the stuff they'd bought, but it brought my MIL so much pleasure picking out clothes that in the end thats how I've learned to let it go.

This thread has DEFINATELY struck a cord!!! My MIL produced 4 - yes 4 - sacks of gifts for my DD1 2 christmases ago.... and I mean 3 foot high sacks... packed with gifts. In the end DD1 was just ripping off the paper and tossing the pressies across the room. Last Christmas I suggested that she just buy 2 gifts - 1 we requested & 1 of her choice which worked really well. Unfortunately I had to make it clear that although we love getting the gifts, they would just end up in the Charity shop as we didn't have the room!
She buys out of love, but I would rather she spent the money on an advanced driving course which meant that she would have the confidence to drive over to our house (which would take an hour door to door), or plan trips out with DD1 - seeing her more often........ (It doesn't help that what she buys is SO totally anti what I would buy either).Aarrghhhh. Rant over.

Worst thing is not the clothes they buy your kids but scary and frankly dangerous toys that have been in their attics for 30 years, predating any kind of safety standards. "Well, yes, you did trap your finger in it, but you only did it the once..." Eeek! We have so many death traps lurking at the back of the garage for fear of offending.

Actually when I was preganant with ds1 my sil turned up with a load of 2nd hand stuff. Mostly horrible. All up to about 12 months so hideous ammount to wash and store. I too felt really sad that I couldn't choose my baby's own pram, cot etc. 4 years on I don't care. She still sends cast offs, still not to my taste always, but I'm so grateful now and just spend money on really nice t-shirts from gap or next to jazz up the hand me downs. ds1 has a funky, vintagey look (I hope!)
Point is that they are babies for such a very short time! It's upsetting now, but trust me she can't spend like this forever! Grin and bear it, ebay it or just take a lot of it back and get store credit for something more useful!

Oh and my mil always seems to buy them coats for Xmas. Like I won't have needed to get coats before December. Bless 'er!

when ds was newborn a friend gave me ALL her baby clothes, from around 0-4yrs. It had already been handed down twice, so was v well worn ie sleep suits with poo and puke stains etc .Literally sack loads, it filled our entire lounge and hallway and it felt like such a burden . We went through it all and salvaged a small pile of things to keep. Another friend sold the rest for me at a car boot sale