First baby: how to stop MIL buying stuff for it!

[Gemmitygem]

I'm sure I'm not the first, but basically:

MIL has bought an awful lot of stuff for our (unborn) 1st baby, due October. Not just a few things, she's bought boxes and boxes of clothes, snowsuits, towels, vests, socks, absolutely everything; also a car seat, bath, pram and moses basket so that if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to buy anything for the baby at all..

It's kind of her, and she means well, but it makes me feel so panicky: I just don't want it! Now some of the stuff I can reasonably say that we'll keep at hers and use for visits (e.g. the pram etc), but it's the clothes that are the problem.

This sounds ungrateful, but I actually don't want anything for the baby: I haven't bought anything for it yet but am really looking forward to choosing little things for it myself or with DH, and really it would be great if our parents would say 'we'd like to get something, what would you like?'

My own mum is also very excited about the baby but wouldn't dream of buying loads of stuff without asking if we wanted/needed it.

I would have to be extremely direct to get the message across to MIL that we don't want any more stuff, (or even harder, that we don't want the existing stuff) as she is not easily fobbed off, but we hardly ever see her and I don't want her to think I'm rude or hurt her feelings because it's her way of showing she cares.

Any of you been in this situation and have any advice? Much appreciated!

Oh I bet MIL doesn't think of it like that, poor woman. She just wants to be involved and helpful, which she thinks she is doing.

No, it was WWB with the elastic. I have an ex MIL who I am very close to, ds sees her every other weekend, she comes and stays with us sometimes and she's lovely to my dd as well as ds even though she isn't related to dd as she's ex dh's mother and then I have my current MIL, who was here this weekend and is elderly and frail and can be insensitive but I recognise she means well and is quite old and doddery, poor thing.

my absolutely wonderful mil did exactly the same thing to me...

no advice ...it made me feel sick too!

you will be able to look back at this time ...in a couple of years ...and wonder what you were both on though

TBH it would piss me off no matter who it was. My sister did it when I was pg with Ds.. all I had to do was say "Look Jay, that's making me uncomfortable, I'm wondering what you want in return for all this stuff.." We both had a giggle about it and when the baby was born she landed at the hops with a huge box of clothes and bibs and vests etc.. I found it hard to be annoyed, I was just so thankful lol

I think it's a very emotional time and there's something a bit previous about buying loads of stuff before the baby is born. I would have felt exactly the same way - there is something very pressured about dealing with loads of unwanted stuff.

www I disagee with

"once the baby's born, blimey, there won't be time to stress about trivia like this".

DD is now 1 and I'm expecting baby2 BUT I still stress and worry about issues like xs buying etc.

TBH I see as "buying" the baby's love and attention etc.But I do see your point but to be fair it looks like you have a good relationship with both your mil and you also sound quite easy going..!! MIL stopping over....!!!!

Shiping things... right, it may sound rude but shipping things may end up costing you a fortune. What I suggest to stop getting such amount of things is to ask her to send them to you, she will get so shocked about the expense that may even reduce the shopping.

I would accept everything (it's rude not to) and then imagine I'm actually shopping through the things she sends. Keep what you love, donate what you don't.

I have the problem with my MIL, FIL and SIL!
My MIL and SIL have both been going crazy buying us stuff, that we are not allowed to see or know what it is! The only reason we know they have stuff is because they went mad when we brought stuff and told us not to!

My FIL on the other hand is a bit different, he is trying to give me the advice, what i should eat how I should be feeling etc because after all he knows better than me because his wife has been pregnant four times!!!!

anyway sorry about going on!
i def agree with putting stuff on ebay and saving the money, wish i could but will have to see them nearly every day so they will notice they havent seen the stuff!

Sorry I really can't see this as a problem. A little kindness will go a long way. One day you'll be a grandmother too, and your children will learn how grannies should be treated by how your treat their's. If she lives such a long way away, she's not going to be seeing him or her that often, is she? Let her be excited about her grandchild and express her love and joy in the way she knows how.

yes I agree with caligula - it's probably especially hard for her as she is overseas (MIL). She's excited and this is one of the few ways she can show it. I'd accept the stuff with good grace - you can choose what you do with it but let your MIL enjoy yourself. It does sound like she has kitted out her whole house but it is probably because she wants to make sure you feel at home when you visit and have everything you need.

My parents are abroad and all of us, even dh, are delighted if they get stuff for the kids. As your little one grows older, he/she will love any packages they get from MIL, even if it is full of clothes they don't like as all kids love to get parcels from abroad.

MIL enjoy herself I meant!

I agree with last two posters. She probably really enjoys herself. Let her! It's kind and well-meaning I think. I think it's very difficult to be a MIL sometimes.

I had this with my first born, her fifth grandchild but first by her baby boy! She went mad on buying stuff even blue things when we didn't know the sex and our first was a girl!!!
This time round, two years later things are different, she hasn't brought anything and i'm now 28 weeks- she has given us some money towards the pram and i'm very grateful and happy about that.
Last time we were bombarded by cuddly toys which we have never used and are stuffed in two boxes in the attic.
I think you just have to grin and bear it.

But when you are pg or have a new baby you're emotional and it is easy to feel smothered. I remember crying when another parcel arrived from my sister and I just thought "will you f* off and leave us alone and let me buy my own son some sodding clothes!" Yes it is kind and well-meaning but if people really cared that much, they'd ask you how best they could help. They are indulging themselves really, not the baby or its mum. I agree it's best to avoid being rude but I really sympathise with that feeling of sickness and being smothered.

My MIL buys loads of stuff for DS, mainly clothes, and I don't like 90% of it. I just accept gracefully and now my SIL is preg I am going to pass it all on to her

Haven't read the entire thread but have you told her to stop?? Diplomatically of course. Be very polite and thank her profusely for all she's done but say "please, no more." Invent a friend who's given you stacks of stuff if you have to, pretend to be superstitious about buying too much stuff.

God you're a miserable ill mannered lot.
Leave the woman be and thank Christ you have such loving relatives.
If you neither want nor need it,pass it on to those who do.

I received/receive a lot of things I neither want nor need and they go to Sure Start,Women's Refuge,school raffles and other people.

thanks everyone!

www and moondog; I know I should lighten up and just accept it with a smile, and be grateful; it's just this feeling of panic, as if she's taking over the baby.. It's my first pregnancy, there have been enough stresses already, deciding which country to have the baby in etc, and it's just SO much that she's bought, and yes, it's fun for her to buy it etc, but I have to deal with actually having it all, either shipping it or storing it in at my mum's house in the UK, which is tiny. I'm determined to be polite and not hurt her feelings, but I find it hard to understand how, although of course she's excited to be a granny, she can't just back off a bit and ask what we want, rather than just buying us lots of stuff we don't want..

Dh has helped by saying already that we don't want too much, but she doesn't listen...

sorry to rant!

Hi,
I have a 2 month old ds and the same situation - I have bought NOTHING apart from one pack of babygros. I get cross sometimes, but then realised its nice to have a variety of things to choose from. The clothes I put on him the most because it is the most comfortable or easy to get on and off, are things I would not neccessarily have chosen myself.

Hi Gemmitygen

We went to the US 10 weeks after ds was born for 6 months and I had a real phobia of having too much stuff. There seeemed so much to deal with that deciding how to store/cart to the US etc all the stuff just added to the stress.

Overall I don't mind xs buying - it is people trying to be kind but in your circumstances I would have a word with your MIL and explain about how worried you are about all this stuff and what to do with it. Ask her to save the buying for later or to keep the stuff at her house until you need it - That way she is helping out without stressing you out. She can always send it on to you when you are all settled and need it later on.

You will probably need to be quite specific though. I know my mum's generation take no notice of 'don't buy much' as they see it as a polite way of saying thanks.

Gemmitygem, I don't think you need to lighten up and think it's a shame some posts made you feel that way.

I can't say I understand exactly as my MIL & FIL (also oversees) doesn't seem to give a crap (methinks this may change when baby arrives) BUT I do have a friend who has insisted I take EVERYTHING from her and therefore understand the feeling you have about wanting to be able to buy your own baby some stuff.

Like you, I don't want to offend her, or give it away to someone else etc (she hasn't been clear about whether she wants it back) but at this rate we'll never need to buy our baby anything. Don't get me wrong, she is saving us so much money that it is fantastic but there is also a little feeling that we have lost control of choices we make for our baby (she's even given away all of her son's baby toys including all first gifts).

Similarly, because she has been so kind in so many ways, we don't want anyone to buy anything else for the baby, so having to tell them this now (and hope they'll either save/give vouchers etc) but others say they're sad, cos they wanted to buy pressies for the newborn, too!! For me, as well as it being an issue about space (I'm a hoarder, which is probably why it seems so strange to me to give away all a child's baby toys!); choice etc, it is also an issue about environment (although I agree clothes can be recycled, handed on etc) and personal responsibility - I don't want my child to have so many toys that s/he is spoilt rotten!

Hope you feel able to raise some of it with her, and I agree with lazycow that you will probably need to be pretty specific!!

Had a similar problem with MIL, DH tried to tell her and she didn't listen then one day I had a complete hormonal breakdown, tears etc with DH. He tried again, more forcefully and finally she got the message. Ask him to sort it out without blaming you, he's her baby and she'll never fall out with him, but if it comes from you it could get tricky.

similar problems here with MIL. I just smiled and took it all gracefully, used what I wanted to and gave the rest to charity. You could also take things back to the shop if they still have tags and get vouchers instead and then use them for bigger sizes or things you want further down the line. I can see why people say it's not a problem but with the added problem of having to ship or store the stuff I really would get your dh to have a word. Or just say "I'm sorry, we can't take all this back with us, could we keep some of it at yours for you to bring over when you visit the newborn"

My PIL came up on xmas morning with a huge black sack full of toys for my 2 kiddies. They were playing happily away with their "santa" toys and as soon as they saw ILs with the bag the santa stuff (That we had saved damn hard for all year) was forgotten about. We weren't pleased at all, and although I said thankyou to them I did state that next year they were to buy just one or two things and put them under the tree like others do, it wasn't the fact that they bought all the stuff, it was that they came in and tried to outdo the santa stuff (Some of it being the same as I had already told MIL we had bought for dd) A few weeks later we heard a rumour and DH went to have it out with them.. they called us ungrateful and unpleasant and said we hadn't said thankyou for the gifts.. dh said we were so annoyed that they came up with so much stuff and that they were our children, they had their time to spoil him and this was our time to spoil our kids, he said we were grateful but would have been more grateful if they had've put the money in their savings and left them one or 2 things to open on xmas day instead of a huge black bin liner full of stuff!!

I'm with www here

I don't believe it is a control issue - she is excited at having a grandchild and wants to help out. I found it very stange in the UK that parents ( ie gradparents) bought new parents big things but I am told that is what happens.... they tend to buy the pram/cot or something as a way of helping out.

She is saving you a lot of money by purchasing things.

As others have said - say thank you - keep what you want, exchange what you can, ask grandma to ship it out for you.

Dh's mother goes on a buying spree for the girls - she never sees them but is able to 'contribute' through phone calls etc - she misses the girls and she misses being able to buy things for them - so when we get parcels full of things - I do worry she is spending too much on the girls but I figure she is doing it cause she wants to.... she likes doing it.

Dh and I would have been so grateful if someone had purchased things like that for us or even helped out in the smallest way.

so in a nutshell - smile - say thank you, tell her she is too kind and as someone else suggested - say you have enough and perhaps she could open a baby bonds account ( we have those for the two dds - fil opened it for them and they get money in each birthday and christmas.) MIght be something you could suggest for her.