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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

First baby: how to stop MIL buying stuff for it!

125 replies

Gemmitygem · 26/06/2006 10:05

I'm sure I'm not the first, but basically:

MIL has bought an awful lot of stuff for our (unborn) 1st baby, due October. Not just a few things, she's bought boxes and boxes of clothes, snowsuits, towels, vests, socks, absolutely everything; also a car seat, bath, pram and moses basket so that if I didn't want to, I wouldn't have to buy anything for the baby at all..

It's kind of her, and she means well, but it makes me feel so panicky: I just don't want it! Now some of the stuff I can reasonably say that we'll keep at hers and use for visits (e.g. the pram etc), but it's the clothes that are the problem.

This sounds ungrateful, but I actually don't want anything for the baby: I haven't bought anything for it yet but am really looking forward to choosing little things for it myself or with DH, and really it would be great if our parents would say 'we'd like to get something, what would you like?'

My own mum is also very excited about the baby but wouldn't dream of buying loads of stuff without asking if we wanted/needed it.

I would have to be extremely direct to get the message across to MIL that we don't want any more stuff, (or even harder, that we don't want the existing stuff) as she is not easily fobbed off, but we hardly ever see her and I don't want her to think I'm rude or hurt her feelings because it's her way of showing she cares.

Any of you been in this situation and have any advice? Much appreciated!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FourJays · 30/06/2006 14:28

Exactly teabags!
Ours all came in builders sacks and was covered in builders sand! Yuck! A lot of very stained stuff and the dreaded hand-knits!
Getting new stuff was bliss after that!

jamsambam · 30/06/2006 14:51

ive been reading this thread a bit now and i ve realised that although we all like presents, when it comes to babaies we would rather get them ourselves...so why is it that we all rant about getting 'insensative' vouchers from some people??? ive done, and come on, admit it, so have you all..saying things like " they only had to a d get something small...i dont want vouchers."

(my mum would have a fit if she saw that..she cant bring herself to get vouchers for people..not even for my sisters wedding gifts...)

FourJays · 30/06/2006 14:53

I LOVE vouchers! Cheques and cash too!
Am I mercenary?

Caligula · 30/06/2006 15:00

I don't know, we all accuse MILs of being control freaks but then we want to control what they buy for our children, so that's just as control-freaky imo.

I suppose we're a bit more justified in our control-freakery though, because we're the ones who've got to store / clean etc. the stuff they buy.

teabags · 30/06/2006 15:05

I intend to make a list of things to remember for if/when I am ever a MIL or grandparent

FourJays · 30/06/2006 15:07

Totally. We got a bloody great tractor and digger for Xmas this year! They mostly live in garage. I don't know what they thought we were going to do with them.
Then they say house is like toyshop and kids are spoiled!!!! Not spoiled by me!

FourJays · 30/06/2006 15:08

Me too teabags. Especially with 2 boys and potentially 2 dils to piss off.

squishy · 30/06/2006 17:17

Fourjays, I LOVE vouchers and money too!!

FourJays · 30/06/2006 17:53

Exactly. Money is good cos it is vouchers with no limits and can be spent on anything, including playschool fees if broke! (I only did it once!)

Greyhound · 30/06/2006 20:34

I think all new mums receive gifts / hand me downs etc that they don't really want. I recently offered my old nappy bin (not smelly and in perfect condition) to a pregnant friend and, although she thanked me politely, I could tell she didn't really want it lol... So, I will sell it instead...

daisydreams · 01/07/2006 16:47

I had the same problem but was advised by friends and family closer to home to just say thanks for everything and send the occasional photo with ds wearing one of "those" outfits. I also found that if ever I was in another town for the day then their charity store benefited greatly from stuff that I'd recieved from closer to home!

soapbox · 01/07/2006 17:21

I think you lot are barking

I think you need to familiarise yourself with the definition of a gift! It is something that someone chooses to give to you. Not giving something that you ask for - that's just begging!

You all sound so controlling. Dear little possums can;t be seen outside the door in something I didn't choose!

The parents and PILs buying stuff for babies in all liklihood goes back to when times were much tougher and people did not have free cash to spend on new babies. Typically the parents and PILs and family members would buy the majority of the babies new stuff or arrange for handdowns. They are probably harking back to when they had new babies and had not a bean to spend on them, and how grateful they were to family members who scrimped and saved to give the babies a decent start in life.

They think they're being helpful - they would be gobsmacked at the lack of gratitude if they knew what you were thinking. The total lack of manners too

WideWebWitch · 01/07/2006 17:27

Absolutely agree Soapbox.

CarolinaMoose · 01/07/2006 17:37

you old trouts

EmmyLou · 03/07/2006 16:39

Just caught this thread (too late as usual) but on the whole agree with the 'accept gifts graciously' angle. Would add though in OP's defense, that i asked Dh to stop doing the lottery when I was pg with dd1 as i was freaked out by the idea that we might win and how disruptive that would be. Gah! That's pregnancy hormones for you!

Caligula · 03/07/2006 17:01

Just seen Soapbox's post and totally agree.

Actually, I am still bloody grateful to my mother and aunts for buying all my kid's clothes. I'd have a lot less money for days out/ music lessons / other more fun stuff than clothes if they didn't.

DogMum · 03/07/2006 17:18

Hi GemmityGem
Gosh, you've really started something here! My Dad gave me a wodge of cash to spend on the baby as I and DP choose, but that's just him. He wouldn't want to buy things as he'd be terrified of getting something we didn't like. I have hinted to MIL that I don't like baby-pink and baby-blue but I don't suppose it will make much difference.

I don't think you're being ungrateful. Your MIL seems to have bought some pretty major items, which it's perfectly reasonable for a new mum and dad (especially first-time) to want to choose themselves. Could your DH possibly ask her if she has receipts in case some things could be changed for other things you need more? He could also tell her that you're both excited about the baby and were looking forward to choosing things yourselves. He might have to be quite direct, but hopefully his gratitude and appreciation will come across as well. It's better to get things straight at the beginning. And it's not just about stuff, it's psychological - it's about who's in charge and LordVenger is right - you are the boss.

mrsmacleod · 05/07/2006 16:27

Hey GemmityGem
I know how you feel. Had a similar experience when I was pregnant, although much, much less extreme. It's hard because they do mean well and are simply excited but all that stuff can be overwelming and it all seems very wasteful. I did try to ask people to get things we genuinely needed (like a sleeping bag and cot bedding) or to get specific brands but this was not always heeded.

On the positive side, so much of the clothes and skincare bits that we didn't need have gone on to others who really need them (Freecycle is a great way to pass on stuff) and 6 months down the line I'm running out of clothes and shopping is too much like hard work so I'm becoming a lot more grateful for the occasional gift.

A tip for the future is to use the online gift/wish lists at John Lewis , M&S and Amazon so people can see what you actually need.

bekyboo44 · 25/08/2006 09:38

My MIL has banned my husband and I from buying anything until the baby is born! According to her culture and religion is is extremely bad luck to buy anything before the baby is born! She even suggested that the baby sleep in his pram/pushchair for the first few days because it would be bad luck to buy a cot before he was born- my patience is wearing thin!!!!
Early on in my pregnancy it was easy to resisit the urge to buy anything- but the closer I get to my due date the more worried I get about not having everything we need when we bring the baby home!
My Mother has been hoarding things- essentials we will need at the hospital for the baby and the first few weeks at home etc. and we plan to order cot etc. closer to my due date without informing MIL!

CurrantBun · 25/08/2006 10:22

Do you think this is rude? One of my friends recently had a baby and within a couple of weeks I went to see her, taking a gift of a little outfit for the baby. She opened it and before even saying thank you, said, "He's already got this one." I know that loads of people buy baby clothes from M&S and that there was a possibility the baby might already have the outfit I'd bought him, but if that had been me I wouldn't have mentioned it - I'd have just quietly taken it back to M&S and changed it for something else.

As it was, I felt obliged to take it back and change it for something different (which fortunately he didn't already have!) TBH, I felt a bit miffed. I chose to ignore it though as friend is not always overly tactful at the best of times, and sure she didn't mean to be rude, but ...

lubella · 25/08/2006 11:37

Agreed there is no excuse for that CB, I wouldn't have said anything myself and just exchanged it. Even so, a baby having a duplicate outfit is not exactly the end of the world is it? v rude!

weirdbird · 25/08/2006 17:16

Now my MiL wasn't so much about buying gifts for my DD as presents or bombarding us with things we needed at home, and we didnt have very much money at all, she bought things for my DD to have at there house!

Set up an entire nursery in there house (which is 5 min round the corner)

My DD had (and still does have) her own room, with cot and changing unit and her own clothes, they even bought her bath things for there house.

When my DD really wanted a swing for the garden and we couldnt afford one, my PiL bought one, but not for our garden, for theres. We where saving up for one and I remember feeling like they had taken something away from us.

Swing, paddling pool, trike, car every piece of equipment you might need etc etc etc

They even bought a car seat for there car so they didnt need to use the one we had.

Now she is older she has her own bed there, and toys and quite often comes home in completely different clothes to the ones she went in.

It really, really, really bothered me in the first few years as it felt like they where trying to buy my daughters affections and make her want to be at there house and not at home.

It didn't happen though, and the fact that she hasnt been swayed by the huge amount of stuff they buy for her, spend on her, has made me a lot more relaxed over it. They do love her to pieces and dote on her, now I am secure in my position there actions dont threaten me in the way they did. But as a new mother I often used to feel that I could vanish and it wouldnt really matter.

weirdbird · 25/08/2006 17:19

I would also add that I dont think they have a clue how it makes us feel though or quite how it looks, and would probably be quite upset if they realised.

moondog · 25/08/2006 17:34

Bloody rude Currant Bun!

moondog · 25/08/2006 17:34

Sounds good to me WB!

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