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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

did you? or didn't you? just out of curiosity :)

121 replies

Carole803 · 10/08/2013 10:20

My dearest dp and I were having a little 'chat' about finding out the sex of the baby at 20 weeks.

And we were interested to know your views. We know what our friends have chosen, but wanted to look outside our bubble.

Would you mind sharing your thoughts on the matter?

We think it is great either way, so I don't want anyone tovthink I am being judgmental.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LifeIsSoDifferent · 10/08/2013 20:18

I found out and would do the same again

Featherbag · 10/08/2013 20:37

We didn't find out with DS1, but I absolutely 'knew' I was carrying a boy! His prem birth and subsequent NICU stay left me feeling I had zero control over the whole event and it really affected my bonding with him, I also suffered PND which I think was worsened by the loss of control I felt. This time we found out, and we're expecting DS2. I want every possible opportunity available to feel 'in control' of this pregnancy and birth, with as few surprises as possible, as I feel I got a lifetime's worth last time!

Oh, and I promise I'm as far from 'chavvy' as you could ever hope to find!

FeegleFion · 10/08/2013 21:13

Some of the attitudes being displayed here is pretty fucking atrocious and they are coming from some of those who've posted to say you didn't/ haven't/ wouldn't find out.

For the record, I genuinely give not a shiny shite who is of the opinion that I'm a chav (whatever the fuck that is) due to a very personal choice my DP and I made that was best for us, and I believe that assuming women only view a 20 week scan as a sexing scan is actually very rude and patronising.

I viewed my 20 week scan as an anomaly scan. I'm sure I'm not the only one, either.

ShowOfHands · 10/08/2013 21:25

It matters not a jot which way you do it, only that you are happy with your decision.

Either you want to know or you don't. It's personal preference. It's rude to denigrate other people's choices. You cannot say your way is better. It is not chavvy or boring to find out any more than waiting is a way of preventing people bonding or shopping. By all means explain why you made the decision you made, but don't criticise the choices of others with a pronouncement that your way is 'better'.

It's also foolhardy to say that 'we didn't care about sex, only a healthy baby'. People who find out the sex care about having a healthy baby too. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I found out with mine because it was just a piece of information offered to me. I don't think the sex of a child determines who they are, nor do I buy gender specific clothing for babies. In the same way that I was interested in the chambers of the heart and the structure of the skull, I was interested in what sex the baby was. It was a fact of biology, no more, no less and if the opportunity was there to find out, then I was merely interested in knowing. With ds there would have been no choice. The second the wand touched me, there was ds, having a wee, obvious as anything. At my 36 weeks scan, the consultant declared 'what an enormous scrotum' too.

slightlysoupstained · 10/08/2013 21:26

Occurred to me just now, the anomaly scan was so horribly stressful that I'm not surprised at focus on finding out the gender (for those who want to) - don't think any of them don't know it's an anomaly scan, but it's a lot cheerier to think about gender than focusing on anything else you might find out, isn't it?

Either way, I cannot see how someone making a different choice makes your own choice something to defend or get snippy about.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/08/2013 21:27

I've been scrolling back looking for the post that says we're all chavvy for wanting to know - I'd find that very amusing to see in black and white but can't find it ?

I think I looked on the 12 week scan as the one where we'd get to see dd waving at us and possibly get some video footage (though unfortunately that bit didn't work out) and the 20 week scan as the one where we'd find out the sex.
Yes, I vaguely knew they'd tell us if there were problems, but that wasn't uppermost in my mind.
Nice to have some distractions I think

Pascha · 10/08/2013 21:27

I found out because I wanted to know. I am not patient and don't like not knowing things. I don't really see how it impacts on anyone else.

ShowOfHands · 10/08/2013 21:30

Juggling...

"Andcake Sat 10-Aug-13 11:01:05

Didn't after 3 yrs of trying we just wanted the 20 week scan to tell us everything was good. I think people are v naive just going in thinking about finding out the sex. But maybe we've had too many sad stories over time. Also I think because I was v scared of something going wrong I was maybe a little scared of counting chickens before they hatched iykwim.
I also wanted dp to be the one who told me not some nameless technician. It felt traditional and nice. It was wonderful to have him say 'its a boy' no one else.

It the back of my mind it feels a bit chavvy to find out. In wrapping your presents early!

The surprise aspect wasn't an issue but I do feel a bit meh/ less excited about hearing a friends baby is born if I know the sex already. Apart from knowing that all is ok!"

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/08/2013 21:38

Oh thanks ShowOf - can't believe someone says they're a bit "meh" about their friend's baby being born if they know the sex already.
I'm not sure I can believe that's really the case ?

I'm always delighted to hear of a safe delivery, even if I am one of those chav's that only cares about the colour of my baby's baby-gro

Pascha · 10/08/2013 21:41

I've been known to sneakily unwrap my presents early and do them back up again

gwenniebee · 10/08/2013 21:44

We didn't find out, because I did feel it would take away some of the surprise. I was convinced I was having a boy. DD is now 13mo :) If I discovered I was expecting twins, I think I'd find out, that would be enough of a surprise in itself!

Rtfairy · 10/08/2013 21:52

We found out, don't really get the chavvy comment, it's personal preference surely? And I think most people are well aware of what the 20 scan is for. I asked about the gender after knowing everything was ok with my baby.

Tulipsandbuttercups · 10/08/2013 21:54

We had our 20 week scan on Tuesday, we didn't find out, I personally have no preference and just want a healthy baby. So I'm happy to wait for the surprise.

I do find it a bit weird when people find out and then start calling the baby by its name before its born, or write it on birthday cards

FeegleFion · 10/08/2013 21:59

I dress my 8 Month old DS in very gender specific clothing except for that very bright pink t-shirt he looks darling wearing what problem do people have with it?

So far, this year, on MN I've found out that I'm a chav, a bleeding heart and also middle class based on the name of my DC's

Please share the label for this latest villainous behaviour that I partake in merrily.

FeegleFion · 10/08/2013 22:05

Oh and weird too, it seems.

Get over yourselves. I could say that you were weird for not finding out, or using the name you liked instead of 'it', therefore you were not prepared to bond with your unborn child.

You see how stupidly superior the above comes across? That's because it is! Your choices are valid to you and it'd be out of line for me or anyone to say it was a stupid or weird or chavvy decision.

Thurlow · 10/08/2013 22:25

Whether you want to refer to your unborn child/bump as a name before they are born is pretty much the same personal choice as finding out the sex or not. I'm actually with you, feegle, I liked thinking about DD as 'A' while I was pregnant, though I don't think I ever referred to her by name to other people. As a personal opinion, I actually couldn't imagine seeing my newborn baby for the first time and not knowing what they were called.

I am also chavvy, common and also upper m/c according to MN today

I do think the poster who made the chavvy comment probably had some experience with friends or acquaintances and has just made a comment that has come off wrong though I hate the word chavvy

TobyLerone · 10/08/2013 22:28

DC1 -- did find out.

DC2 -- XH wanted to find out. I didn't. We flipped a coin in the waiting room. He won. Then the sonographer couldn't tell anyway!

DC3 -- we won't be finding out.

steppemum · 10/08/2013 22:58

I really didn't want to know with dc1, wanted a surprise. We got mainly neutral stuff as we wanted more kids and would hand stuff down. he was a boy.

With dd2 I was ill at the end and had to have loads of scans and be induced early.
So we asked if boy or girl, so we knew because we were so worried about her. So found out at 38 weeks, but didn't tell anyone.

With dc3, we already had one of each so we really weren't bothered at all, but then dc3 had a problem found on 20 week scan. We were overseas and radiographer told us to abort and try again. I felt so strongly that we needed to fight for this baby that we asked if boy or girl and named her that evening. We didn't tell anyone else though.

Flibbedyjibbet · 10/08/2013 23:11

We didn't with either of ours, to be honest I'm very traditional. I did say if we had a second I'd find out to help DD1 with that transition but when it came to it we didn't. To be honest I loved the comments during pregnancy

Do you know what you're having?
No, it's a surprise
Oh lovely gush gush best way gush gush.

Whatever you want to do and choose to do is THE best way for you as it's your path (plus you don't know the other way).

elQuintoConyo · 10/08/2013 23:25

Chavvy?? DAFUQ??

We'd bought clothes in all the colours of the rainbow and have an orange pram. DS is 20mo and still doesn't have his own room - no picking out colours for the baby's room for us.

It was a HUGE surprise to be pregnant, I couldn't have handled any more. Cried buckets when we found out the sex - sonographer asked if it wasn't the sex I wanted! I was just delighted.

But, hey, just go and beat me around the head with the choice I made, Andcake , chavvy my arse!

Wallison · 10/08/2013 23:32

I sort-of wanted to know before the scan, but the hospital had a policy of not telling. During the scan itself, for there were times when the sonographer titled the screen away from me so that I couldn't see it properly, and I guessed that was because I would have been able to determine the sex had I had a proper view. That actually made me feel a bit weird and I went from sort-of wanting to know to being quite cross that I didn't - someone else who I'd never met before and never would again was privy to information about my own child who I was carrying, and was actively stopping me from having that information.

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2013 23:52

I didn't find out, though halfway through the third trimester I discovered a brown envelope in my notes from the amnio with the sex of the baby in it. I didn't look and didn't tell DH as I knew he would. As it happened when he was born we both completely forgot to look to see what it was.

newforest · 11/08/2013 00:43

I don't understand how anyone could not 'get' the surprise. The surprise is the consequence of not finding out what you're having!

No babies for me yet, but I will not be finding out. I think it's nice to save that special moment of finding out right until the end. My friend told me that it helps you through the throes of labour to save that last special surprise to the end.

Strokethefurrywall · 11/08/2013 04:50

We didn't find out and I don't want to know with this one as well (although I felt that we were having a boy and I was right).

I figured that DH had so little to actually 'do' throughout the pregnancy that I wanted his experience to be that he was the one who told me what we had and I'll never forget his face when he saw DS. Magic.

Looking forward to the same this time. I like not knowing!

PistachioTruffle · 11/08/2013 07:16

I never thought I'd find out, but DH really wanted to and as I wasn't really bothered either way, I agreed. As it was, the anomaly scan was thankfully fine, but baby was in an awkward position and they couldn't tell. I was surprised at how disappointed I felt at not knowing, so much so that we booked a private gender scan and discovered he's a boy.

For me, it's the right choice. I was surprised how detached and surreal it felt to be pregnant, and knowing its a boy and referring to 'him' rather than 'it' is really helping me to form my own bond with him. I would never imply that others who don't know the sex can't bond, though.

In real life, many people have been judgy about us finding out, adamantly insisting that a surprise is the 'best' way. I'm practising now for the rest of parenthood, and ignoring unwanted comments!

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