Hi guys - the moments in the middle of the night that I am attached to the breast pump I seem to have some time to communicate, but this whole week has gone in a blur and communication with outside world has definitely been on the bottom of priority list.
On Sat morning 3am my waters broke (28+6) and although I tried desperately to keep babies in, they came in to the world on Monday morning. I did get to complete a full course of steroids. Unfortunately little Georgia, my first born, didn't make it. Little Bella is going strong at the neonatal ICU. She's breathing independently and apparently she made a cry when she came out. Both are so beautiful. Lovely mop of blond hair, long fingers, long legs. It's made me fall in love with my DH all over again because I see them in him and vice versa.
Georgia came the 'normal' way. Ladies - if you are in labour or even if they (and you) think you are not, if you feel incredibly constipated and feel like you need to do a massive bowel movement and you are pooing out your insides, that means you are having your baby. If the midwives had realised that that morning on the frikking antenatal ward, she might still have been alive, then again, who knows what happens exactly in childbirth. When I finally couldn't stop it, (I kid you not, I pushed her back at one point on the toilet) I got DH to get the MW who then realised I was crowning. From the moment that emergency button was pushed my life went in to free fall. The neonatal doctors and all other emergency personnel were there super quick. And they handled it all expertly. I got wheeled to theatre. There they scanned me and Bella had gone in to transverse position, they turned her, but her cord was below her head, so a CS was unavoidable. At this point there was no time for an epidural, so they put me under GA. On the left I had the anaestethist with sweat beading on his forehead, not what you want to see, on the right I had the neonatal doctor telling me that they had not been able to resuscitate Georgia, who had been alive and kicking on the CTG the night before. The MWs that morning had not been able to find a trace on Georgia, but we left it, didn't get the scanning machine out. And who knows, whether the outcome had been different anyway. It's hard to deal with this loss, but it would be even worse if we allowed it for us to become bitter. It's about how we take this forward.
Now in the space of a couple of days I have changed my first pooey nappy! I never thought you could be SO incredibly excited about a first pooey nappy! (TBH the first poo after birth and a CS is pretty incredible too :-) ) Started expressing milk for my baby. Held her skin to skin for the first time.
My mum was visiting that weekend and she will be going home tomorrow. Eventually I guess the outside world will come creeping in.