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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant (IVF) Worriers (part two)

999 replies

Shazzamattazzerly · 02/06/2013 17:11

Hi everyone,

This thread is for all you incessant worriers out there, not necessarily limited to IVF-ers, although I get the feeling the people who have had trouble TTC are more prone to worrying than others! We have filled our first thread (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1721178-Pregnant-IVF-Worriers) but there is more worrying to do so here we are.

A few of us graduated from the IVF thread (link below) and are having a go at our own thread to get out of the other IVF-ers hair! So get your roomy jogging bottoms on for some virtual hand holding, mutual symptom spotting and staying sane until the next scan date.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1691674-Excellent-Egg-Buddies-continued-Anyone-having-IVF-ICSI-in-Jan-Feb-and-March-2013-please-join-us

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putthecrispsDOWN · 01/08/2013 22:58

Can I also add Kylie off of Corrie to the bus lift? Nota an avid fan but watching her skip about when apparently 8mths preggo is very annoying. I am on,y 18 weeks and am just about managing a zombie/hunchback leg shuffle already! Fucking thin young pregnant bastards. I'd have been a size eight and all sprightly if it hadn't taken so bloody long to get knocked up.

twinklestar2 · 01/08/2013 23:23

Thanks again everyone for your stories, positive messages and best wishes. Too many to name check! Feeling much better about my fet now.

Fairy - out of those 21 eggs we only have 1 frozen, can you believe it? So pinning a lot of hopes on this one but also preparing for it to fail by getting me and oh healthy after our break next weekend and trying to save to go again in the new year. It's the only thing to keep sane I think.

I said to my counsellor I don't understand why this has happened to me, I'm a normal person, I'm no one special. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I think of this massive thing I'm going through whilst still getting up, going to work, etc. I even laughed yesterday for the first time since I got the BFN. It felt weird.

Anyway I'm rambling now and I don't want to clog up your thread. Hope to join you all soon and all the best with your pregnancies.

vallinnapod · 02/08/2013 08:40

Oh Nokkie I had a seat left work at 3pm when I knew there were problems on the line. I am also not shy in asking for a seat if I need one Wink It was just the heat >swoons< Still, thunderbolts and lightening this morning!

Crisps it is the ward experience that really scares me. With DS I was in and out so never had to go there, but I am aware I may not luck out in future depending on timing or conditions.

Twinkle - we are here for you. A failed cycle is horrendous, unfair and worst of all unexplained (in the majority). I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. Can you indulge yourself this weekend? Whether it cinema, massage or just feet up and trash TV?

ExpatAl · 02/08/2013 08:58

You're definitely not clogging the thread Twinkle. It is HARD going through this and just when you get the bfn at least 3 people you know suddenly are preggers just by doing it the old fashioned way one random Saturday night and it is so unfair that to know that we have no chance of the old fashioned way working and it is SHIT. And now I'm rambling. I might be heavily pregnant now but I will never forget how it feels. There was a time when it hurt seeing rounded bellies and now I'm in the club and wonder if someone else is sat in a cafe watching me walk by and feeling bitter/hurt. Last summer I spent our summer hols weepy, especially when I saw little familes on the beach etc. Now I'm day dreaming about introducing our baby at Christmas and where we'll take our little girl/boy for our first beach holiday as a little family and I'm so grateful. I hope this happens for you too. All the best, x

fairypangolin · 02/08/2013 12:31

twinks the whole purpose of this thread is to express the sort of feelings you are having to a very sympathetic audience! I went through a long period of thinking 'why the f is this happening to me? There's nothing wrong with me!' and being really angry about not being able to conceive. I think the fact I had fallen pregnant naturally before made the anger worse in a way. When we were TTC the first time round lots of my friends who were trying at the same time were having problems, eg taking a long time, miscarriages, etc but by the time I was TTC this one everyone seemed to have no problem conceiving second time round. I remember one of them saying to me "Everyone in our NCT group is now pregnant with their second!" and it just slaughtered me. Like expat I just hated seeing pregnant women and families with more than one child. I made my husband do all the pickup/dropoff at my son's nursery because I couldn't bear to see the other families I knew with 2 plus children. Longing to conceive tainted everything in my life for almost 2 years and I know a lot of people have gone through or are going through something much worse.

It is a massive thing and it's not something you can easily share with others so you end up living a double life. But chances are good it will work for you in the long run, it's just trying to keep going in the interim.

crisps I'm sorry you had such a bad time in the hospital after birth. I also remember quite a contrast between the nurses on the postnatal ward (who weren't rude or negligent but definitely left you to get on with it regardless of your state) and the midwives on the labour ward (who were amazing). One of the reasons why I want a home birth this time is to avoid spending time in the postnatal ward, which was definitely not restful! The only plus side was that because I wasn't at home I didn't feel compelled to do any housework or cooking.

I spent some time in the birthing pool during my first labour and I highly recommend it. It didn't reduce the pain of the contractions so much as to be so pleasurable and relaxing that I was much more able to cope with the pain.

Re Hypnobirthing - I did a course first time round with DS and I do recommend it (I've posted about it before so apologies if this is repetitive), although with a certain proviso that it gives you the strong impression that everything is down to your mindset and if you just try hard enough or relax enough you will have the lovely pain free birth you have seen in videos. If things don't work out that way (as they didn't with me) you then can be left with a deep feeling of failure and disappointment (as I did). So do it but don't take it too seriously is what I would recommend.

twinklestar2 · 02/08/2013 13:02

Thx everyone :)

Val (I get your name right because I've seen on a couple of other threads how it could be mispronounced!) - I'm off to visit a friend tomorrow and then spending Sunday with my husband as he's away with work. His trip came at the wrong time but its good for him to get away and not have this on his mind 24/7.

Thanks expat - the worst thing for me is accepting that it was never going to happen naturally, putting all my faith in ivf, be told it was all going well (as only probs are with oh's sperm) and for then it fail to implant. That was horrid. But I've read a lot that the first time doesn't generally work so fx for the fet. Feel scared when I think about paying for the next cycle, where the hell am I going to get that sort of money from?

Thanks fairy, it is like a double life isn't it? But your message has given me hope, that there's a good chance it will work out for me so will have to hold on to that thought.

Thanks again all x

MarianaTrench · 02/08/2013 15:26

Fairy, I could have written what you wrote about being the only one to fail second time round, especially being forced to see all the nursery mums getting bigger every day. For me it wasn't even so much the getting pregnant but having such rare things happen to make me lose the baby, not once but twice. I had two years of utter misery too, I used to think 'why me?' but then started thinking 'why not me?' Shit happens to most people at some stage in their lives. The result is I value absolutely everything I have and I think that probably makes me a better person in the long run.

Sorry, very self indulgent there!

SweetieTime · 02/08/2013 17:22

Twinkle to wade in and let you know I was so anxious on my last IVF cycle I really kicked off and nearly pulled out before ET. The clinic wanted me to have a 3 day transfer and got it into my head that they were wanting to put back sub-standard embies. I was willing to refuse having anything put back rather than face the disappointment of another failed cycle. I am now 18 weeks with twins, those 2 sub-standard day 3 transfer embies both took. The whole process changes who you are and how you feel about the most basic of things. Just take things a day at a time.

MarianaTrench · 02/08/2013 17:22

I also think that although the post natal care is by no means as good as it usually is on the delivery wards, it doesn't have to be awful. This time I had some really lovely staff who took Trenchlet off me for a couple of hours at a time during the nights I was in, they knew I was wiped out from blood loss and she just wouldn't go in her cot for more than ten minutes at a time. Of course she slept for two hours for them, but as soon as she could smell me she went mad looking for milk and just wouldn't settle. I was still desperate to get home though because at least at home you have your partner to help.

fairypangolin · 02/08/2013 20:39

mariana thanks for your post. I really can't imagine going through what you have. I really admire how you've made it through to your time now with little Trenchlet.

twinklestar2 · 02/08/2013 22:03

The sweetie

Dildals · 03/08/2013 03:37

Hi guys - the moments in the middle of the night that I am attached to the breast pump I seem to have some time to communicate, but this whole week has gone in a blur and communication with outside world has definitely been on the bottom of priority list.

On Sat morning 3am my waters broke (28+6) and although I tried desperately to keep babies in, they came in to the world on Monday morning. I did get to complete a full course of steroids. Unfortunately little Georgia, my first born, didn't make it. Little Bella is going strong at the neonatal ICU. She's breathing independently and apparently she made a cry when she came out. Both are so beautiful. Lovely mop of blond hair, long fingers, long legs. It's made me fall in love with my DH all over again because I see them in him and vice versa.

Georgia came the 'normal' way. Ladies - if you are in labour or even if they (and you) think you are not, if you feel incredibly constipated and feel like you need to do a massive bowel movement and you are pooing out your insides, that means you are having your baby. If the midwives had realised that that morning on the frikking antenatal ward, she might still have been alive, then again, who knows what happens exactly in childbirth. When I finally couldn't stop it, (I kid you not, I pushed her back at one point on the toilet) I got DH to get the MW who then realised I was crowning. From the moment that emergency button was pushed my life went in to free fall. The neonatal doctors and all other emergency personnel were there super quick. And they handled it all expertly. I got wheeled to theatre. There they scanned me and Bella had gone in to transverse position, they turned her, but her cord was below her head, so a CS was unavoidable. At this point there was no time for an epidural, so they put me under GA. On the left I had the anaestethist with sweat beading on his forehead, not what you want to see, on the right I had the neonatal doctor telling me that they had not been able to resuscitate Georgia, who had been alive and kicking on the CTG the night before. The MWs that morning had not been able to find a trace on Georgia, but we left it, didn't get the scanning machine out. And who knows, whether the outcome had been different anyway. It's hard to deal with this loss, but it would be even worse if we allowed it for us to become bitter. It's about how we take this forward.

Now in the space of a couple of days I have changed my first pooey nappy! I never thought you could be SO incredibly excited about a first pooey nappy! (TBH the first poo after birth and a CS is pretty incredible too :-) ) Started expressing milk for my baby. Held her skin to skin for the first time.

My mum was visiting that weekend and she will be going home tomorrow. Eventually I guess the outside world will come creeping in.

Dildals · 03/08/2013 03:38

... for you ladies who have experience BFing / expressing ... HOW do you fall asleep again after an express?!!

MarianaTrench · 03/08/2013 06:22

Dildals I am so enormously sorry that you lost Georgia and in such confused and chaotic circumstances. What an ordeal you and your DH must have had over the past week and will still be having.

I am very relieved that Bella is doing well and that you have managed to feed her and have skin to skin.

You sound remarkably stoic at the moment. Maybe that's how you will be, but you will have so many mixed emotions to deal with, please take all the help you can to help you and DH cope with your loss. The specialist bereavement teams are absolutely brilliant in my experience, as are SANDS.

I am thinking of you and send you much love.

MarianaTrench · 03/08/2013 06:31

I'm not sure what you mean about expressing and getting back to sleep. I find being too full painful so that wakes me and after I've fed the baby (or expressed some off, as I used to in the first couple of weeks) it's back to normal and I go back to sleep. I am chronically tired though and not under the stress you are.

Dildals · 03/08/2013 06:55

Hi mariana I am not stoic, believe me, I am going through all the emotions that come with grief and loss, as well as the joy and wonderment that comes with having a new baby (although still worried something will go wrong).

After a middle of the night express I just can't get back to sleep and just lie awake, knackering ... but being knackered is part of the process I guess.

I need to find a counsellor or something. Until now we have been flying by the seat of our pants, there's so much to take care of, think of, do etc. It will fall in to place.

x

ceara · 03/08/2013 07:11

Oh dildals, I'm so very sorry too for the loss of your beautiful Georgia. There aren't any words. I am thinking of you and your husband and Georgia, and of Bella. I'm very glad Bella is doing well. As Mariana says, I hope you and your husband find the support that helps you both, for now and in the coming days and months.

Hugs.

fairypangolin · 03/08/2013 07:27

dildals how terrible and wonderful all at once. You are amazing, no matter what you might think. Yay for pooey nappies! We are all here for you and Bella.

I hope you are getting really good care I the hospital. How wonderful Bella is breathing on her own already!

I never found expressing/bfing woke me up but it does cause surges in hormones so that might be it. I used to always feel a small but distinct surge of nausea when DS would latch on and it definitely wasn't psychological because I loved it. So I assumed it was hormonal.

ceara · 03/08/2013 07:28

dildals we cross posted. I think you can go into a sort of autopilot initially following a bereavement; then when you need to talk to someone your mind and body tell you. I can't imagine the bewilderment of both mourning and welcoming (and worrying for) a daughter at the same time. Hopefully the hospital and/or Sands can help you find an experienced counsellor, and/or support from someone who has been through this themselves and trained to help others?

vallinnapod · 03/08/2013 07:50

Dildals I cannot explain how happy and devastated I am for you. What amazing news your little fighter Bella made such a strong entrance to the world, I cannot find the words for the loss of Georgia. Your hormones and emotions must be on a different planet. I am so pleased you have you fabulous little girl to focus your love and attention on and to help distract you from your grief.

I wish you all the strength, happiness and booby-juice over the coming days, weeks and months.

Ginestas · 03/08/2013 08:37

Oh didals I don't know what to say. Massively congratulations on little Bella who sounds like she is doing amazingly well, but I'm so very very sad to hear about Georgia. You must be going through so many emotions at the moment and it must be v hard - no wonder you can't get back to sleep! Lots of love to you, Mr D and Bella. I'll be thinking of you all over the next few days x

Shazzamattazzerly · 03/08/2013 08:59

Dildals you know how sorry I was to have heard your news. I've been thinking about you all week. I'm so pleased that bella is doing well and you have held her and changed her nappy. You are so brave and I hope that you, DH and Bella have the support you need in the coming weeks and months. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Loads of love xxx

OP posts:
MarianaTrench · 03/08/2013 09:03

Dildals, post childbirth is exhausting, grief is exhausting and trauma is exhausting and you have all three to contend with as well as the exhilaration of having Bella. You will still be full of adrenaline as well as all the hormonal chaos.

If you feel a counsellor will help then ask for it to be arranged ASAP as there can sometimes be a wait. I saw a specialist bereavement counsellor at my maternity hospital and found her extremely helpful. It allows protected time to cry and express grief which is essential. In the meantime though, you should be able to access the bereavement midwives so that may be a quicker route to support. Also I had a years counselling through my GP surgery which wasn't specialized but was still very helpful as grief is a long journey.

Consider whether you might want to go individually or as a couple. I would suggest individually may be more useful as it can be hard to be completely candid and allow yourself to become very upset in front of your partner, as you are also trying to protect them.

SANDS have lots of supportive information on their site but also run support groups. I've no experience of these but found their website very helpful.

For the moment just take things an hour at a time, or even 10 minutes at a time if need be. You are doing amazingly well to be expressing for Bella and even to be able to come and update us here.

Buzzybee123 · 03/08/2013 10:20

just logging on his morning. . .

dildals big hufs I am so so sorry for your loss of Georgia, I agree with others about contacting your GP for counsellor if the hospital don't have one available, go enjoy your time with beautiful Bella

Nokkie73 · 03/08/2013 12:03

dildals I have just logged on before dashing out of the door. I have tears running down my face - I am so very sorry for your loss. I will post again later but I didn't want to go without sayings something. Much love. Noks xx