Pregnant (IVF) Worriers (part two)

[Shazzamattazzerly]

Hi everyone,

This thread is for all you incessant worriers out there, not necessarily limited to IVF-ers, although I get the feeling the people who have had trouble TTC are more prone to worrying than others! We have filled our first thread (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1721178-Pregnant-IVF-Worriers) but there is more worrying to do so here we are.

A few of us graduated from the IVF thread (link below) and are having a go at our own thread to get out of the other IVF-ers hair! So get your roomy jogging bottoms on for some virtual hand holding, mutual symptom spotting and staying sane until the next scan date.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1691674-Excellent-Egg-Buddies-continued-Anyone-having-IVF-ICSI-in-Jan-Feb-and-March-2013-please-join-us

Dildals my love, just catching up with your news. So sorry for the loss of little Georgia and huge joy that Bella is doing well and huzzzah for pooey nappies! It happened so quickly you'll be in shock for quite a while. I too wish that I'd known that feeling massive constipated and pressure meant labour - it might have meant a different outcome for us too. I suspect being unable to sleep after expressing is due to shock + having a baby in special care is rather surreal. Just take it as it is for now - don't try to be normal yet. Live in your little bubble. Sending you huge love. XX

expatal how would it have meant a different outcome for you too?

Thanks for all your kind words. Bella is up to 3ml of my milk an hr so that's good. She had a massive explosion poo this morning, trickling out the sides type, that's our girl!

It's fucking heartbreaking to lose a child, have one in NICU, leave the hospital without a baby, with a SANDS box under your arm, coming home to a twin buggy in the front room. All the hopes, dreams and aspirations you had for your babies squashed. It's the worst thing I can think of that coudl happen to someone. Just in case I came across as stoic. I have no clue how people can give such an event meaning, or how people move on from this, but I suspect you just sort of do, over time.

dildals losing a child really must be the worst thing that can happen to you. One of my strong motivations to try to have a second was out of fear that if I lost DS I would be unable to keep on living unless I had another that depended on me. It may sound morbid but its true. As for meaning, I think that must be something that may come eventually or never- I have never understood what people mean when they refer to the "meaning of life". Life is what it is, things can happen that are meaningful to you but not everything has a semantic core that you just need to discover.

So happy to hear that Bella is enjoying her milk, that must be the Dutch side of her!

You don't get over it Dildals, but you do slowly learn how to live with it. This is all in the future though. Take it slow and think and deal with what you're able to do right now. There's no need to rush into anything and counselling will be there whenever you wish to pick it up. It's so so hard and my heart is with you all.

Great news that Bella is feeding well.

It could possibly have made a difference for us. We'll never know. A couple of days before I went into labour I had a feeling of extreme constipation and pressure. It was very uncomfortable. So we went for a really long walk and the pressure eased and so I forgot about it. I feel terrible about it and try not to think about it too much but my ob tells me that my infection had already taken hold by then so nothing would have helped. Anyway, that was then and this is about your little family now. Take all the help that is offered - people will be desperate to show they care so let them. Having a baby in NICU is hard but it will be easier when you get into a little routine.
There will be a candle in my window tonight for Georgia. x

Dildals, I hope I didn't upset you further by saying you sounded stoic. I thought that your post seemed 'measured' perhaps, for someone in the midst of what you are experiencing at the moment. There aren't words to describe how heartbreaking it is.

I agree with what Al says. You do learn to live with what has happened but it takes a long time. I don't think there is any meaning either, just a nightmarish sequence of events.

You're all in my thoughts.

mariana the term 'stoic' did get to me a little, I don't know how to talk to people about this, I don't want and can't spend the rest of my days sobbing, I need to and want to carry on and function and enjoy my life, my husband and Bella. If I go in to what it really feels like I just get totally overtaken by emotion and I don't always want that or want to allow that to happen. But I also feel like people expect me to behave a certain way and that pain, I think, I sometimes like to keep to myself and my husband. Also, when I see Bella I just light up, she's amazing and although it makes me incredibly sad to leave her behind in her incubator every evening, I am so happy to have her and me and DH are already carefully dreaming about the things we are going to do with her. That doesn't change the fact though that I cry every time I think of poor little Georgia never ever got the chance to play. It's very double I guess is what I am trying to say.

Dildals, I'm really sorry to read your news. What beautiful names you have given your girls.

x

Dildals, I'm sorry it got to you. It's very hard to convey tone with words on a screen. I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing but to be honest, I'd rather get it a bit wrong than say nothing at all.

When I lost my second baby I had DD1 at home, she was older of course, but she kept me going and was my raison d'être. Bella is the same for you, she is a very bright light in the darkness and your joy in her will naturally lead to all sorts of truly conflicting emotions, although they clash they are all valid in their own right and don't diminish each other.

It is very, very soon. You are still in the midst of all this and you will be at the mercy of your emotions for some time yet. You say you don't know how to talk about it, perhaps you shouldn't even try yet? I couldn't talk about it for some weeks, I could only cry and after an extensive cry I'd be able to talk a bit. DH and I were both trying to look after each other and process our own feelings which was tricky but if it's any comfort, it did ultimately bring us closer together.

I think with the crying it's best to let it out. I visualised it as a geyser, it would erupt violently and then I'd have some calm as it all built up again before the next eruption. What happens is that in time these eruptions become less violent and less frequent and you learn to manage what has happened somehow. You will not be in the state you are in now for the rest of your life, but you will be in it for some time yet and maybe it's easier to accept that rather than fight it back.

Behave however helps you best with other people. If you don't want to share your grief then don't, it's yours and can be as private as you wish. I found that sometimes it was useful to be honest with people and say 'I can't carry on this conversation as I will get upset and I dont want to get upset at this moment.'

Anyway, I'm going on too much.

I hope Bella had a good night and you enjoy your time with her today. How is your own physical recovery going?

mariana don't worry, I know you mean well. I don't mind being at the mercy of my emotions, I am happy to let my tears flow when they come. And I can talk about it, but it is so personal that I prefer to keep it limited to DH and some other people.
The thing I struggle with is how do you tell this to your outside world. Not that it's that important in the grand scheme of things, but I don't want to scare the shit out of my pregnant friends, but I also don't want to come across as matter of fact. For the last couple of days I have been living in this little cocoon, with just me, my mum and DH. DH has been doing most of the external comms. And I would quite like to stay in this cocoon a little (I will maintain this cocoon also for the next months - I think it is necessary to survive). But now people know, they want to come round and 'support' you. Which is nice. But in reality all these people do not provide support, but come with their own emotions which you then need to manage. And I have no energy for that. (That doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the texts etc by the way! I do! I want to see all the texts DH gets too, because I do like reading them. I just can't do the F2F contact) What I mean is for example DH's dad coming over and being in the room when I was trying to say goodbye to my dead baby. As you can imagine I kicked him (and my mum to be fair) out of the room. They try to be helpful but it is such a personal grief. DH's dad also told the neighbour what happened. This made me livid. It is my story and I share it when I want with whom I want. It is not his place to tell my neighbour, it's none of her business and not his place to tell.
This evening my SIL and DH's brother are coming to visit us. They have cut short their holiday to be with us. And I am dreading it. I don't want to share my grief with them, does that make sense? They want to visit Bella and I don't want them really. Bella needs her parents and the NICU staff, not other people introducing germs. It has been annoying me for days now that SIL asked whether her daughter could see Bella too. Seriously. How wrong on so many levels. It's an ICU, a neonatal ICU, it's distressing for adults to be there. How is a seven yo going to cope? Not that children are allowed on the NICU full stop because of the risk of infection. What does she think? That it is some sort of cuddle the baby room?! OK. Rant over.

I need to get some nursing bras I think. Not sure how I am ever going to get to a shop that sells them! The MWs have been trying to track me down because I haven't attended any post natal appts. Well. They know where I am. Across the hallway.

Bella is doing well. She's taking on 3ml of mummy's milk an hour. One of the ladies I know had her baby at 30 wks about a year ago and she was absolutely gobsmacked Bella is already able to take on that much. Her son was only able to take on .5 ml after a while. So hopefully all good signs.

It's deeply personal grief. Whether other people understand is not important - at the moment you feel what you feel and other people have to fit around you. Don't take your SIL's actions to heart. She probably thinks that acting as if it's all normal will help you. It's not your problem to worry about other peoples feelings and your pregnant friends will be just fine. You're still in the war trenches at the moment - focus on staying alive and coping with another day, just you, dh and Bella and Georgia in your heart. Everything else can wait.

Hi Dildals, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your new daughter, and the daughter you lost. I can't really offer any words of understanding as I can't get my head round what you must be feeling. On a practical note, as I live just down the road from you and the hospital, let me know if I can run any errands. Take care x

Hi dildals and everyone
I just want to say I'm thinking of you and I too am not far away if you need me to get anything. I'm going to John Lewis tomorrow night to get bras for myself if you want me to get you some. Just text me your size and model if you identify some on the website.

Also to add that hopefully you know that you can vent, rant, cry here, PM or text and we will support you. I agree with the others in that SIL and others probably have no words to convey the depth of their feelings for you, DH and Bella at this time. We are all trying to convey something but words are woefully inadequate. At this time sometimes we feel that the best we can do is practical stuff to ease that stress so that as you say you and DH can be in your cocoon.

Let me know about bras etc.

So pleased that Bella is feeding well. Sounds like a good sign to me.

Loads of love shazza xxx

didals I really wouldn't worry about telling your pregnant friends. What happened to you is upsetting for anyone to hear but it is also part of life and should not be hushed up or avoided. Pregnancy and childbirth are one of the few times where young and otherwise healthy people come near to the reality of death, unless you are unlucky enough to be involved in a bad car accident or have a life threatening illness. It is frightening but it also part of life and as you say, you are also so happy about Bella you wouldn't want that to be diminished or ignored.

You are right to stay in your cocoon as long as you want to. Ditto deciding who sees you and who sees Bella and when. No one can know what you are going through and they should all honour your wishes even when it may not make sense to them. I know it may be hard to communicate that in RL but that's my two bits' worth if it is any help!

Shaz thanks re bras but I really need to get them fitted, now that the milk has properly arrived they have taken on another size again!

Bella is now on 5ml an hour, blimey! I need to stay on top of game! She also had her first suck on a dummy! The nurse had upset her a bit, changing her nappy and she wasn't comfy on the side she had put her down. So the nurse tried a little experiment and gave her a mini dummy. Apparently she pulled a really wide eyed face, then started sucking ferociously, and then zonked out! Brilliant :-).

Bless her, that's a lovely image.

Your point about having to manage other people's responses to you is very true. I found that very hard work as you inevitably end up comforting them. The solution for now is as fairyp says, stay in your cocoon. And what fairy says about pregnancy life and death is very true too.

Dildals I am so sorry for all you have been through in the last week. It sounds like Bella is feeding really well. I have nothing further to add that the others haven't already said. Spend your time in your cocoon for as long as it takes, only seeing and speaking to who you want to. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Hi guys
Am having a bit of a freak out here- this morning I did my usual 25 mins on the exercise bike (nothing hardcore, just gentle) but noticed when I stopped I had mild cramping type pain which passed within 5 mins so thought nothing of it. Had a nice chilled day but just went to the loo and noticed very very dark brown streaks. When I wiped I'm seeing watery brown spots. I have googled the shit out of it and am seeing lots of 'normal' type messages but the cramping this morning and now this has put me on edge. I've dropped a text to the midwife, but would you do anything else? X

MrsH - how many weeks are you? Have you had bleeding before? I haven't personally had this but have read that on days where you 'over exert' (and I am using that term loosely) and if you are prone to bleeding anyway, then it can cause a mild bleed.

I attempted my usual cross train yesterday but just felt twingey after 15 mins so stopped. This morning managed 45 mins and weights. As long as you don't carry on through any discomfort you should be fine.

Thanks Val. I'm 22+4 today. You're right - it may just have been over exertion, maybe I should see this as a good reason to keep my feet up for a few days! At least I've felt baby move around today which is reassuring.

Hello mrsH if you are feeling the baby move then That must be a good sign. At least you have contacted the MW. Hopefully she will put your mind at rest. It must be worrying though. I hope you can have a restful night.

I hope everyone else is ok. And had a good Sunday.

Xx

Dildals bella sounds like she is getting stronger everyday. That is such great news. Xx

dildals I agree with others about staying in your cocoon, I am sorry that family are upsetting you at a time when they should be supporting you when you need it, some people just don't think sadly we are here for you if you do want to rant cry etc

mrsh maybe speak to MW tomorrow to put your mind at rest but agree it could be over exertion, yes I know advice from the neurotic paranoid one

buzzy family mean well, but it's hard for them too to know what to do. And you know what family is like, sometimes they are best at pushing our buttons.

Dildals I think that honesty might be the best policy as far as family are concerned at this time. Obv only share what you want/need to, but don't take it upon yourself to be the guardian of their feelings as well as your own, it's too much. X

mrshy has the spotting stopped? It sounds like you may have just irritated your cervix and the fact it was watery is a good sign I think! Just shows exercise is bad for us... I hope you are feeling less worried today and manage to get hold of the MW if you want to.

didals I'm thinking of you a lot at the mo. I am so thrilled to hear that Bella is feeding so well. I agree that you should try not to think about others' feelings at the moment and just do what you need to do to get through this. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be.

Hope everyone else is well. It was so lovely to meet some of you on Sat. It's my 21 week scan on Weds. I'm really nervous , although my fears feel v trivial compared to what didals is going through