Pregnant (IVF) Worriers (part two)

[Shazzamattazzerly]

Hi everyone,

This thread is for all you incessant worriers out there, not necessarily limited to IVF-ers, although I get the feeling the people who have had trouble TTC are more prone to worrying than others! We have filled our first thread (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1721178-Pregnant-IVF-Worriers) but there is more worrying to do so here we are.

A few of us graduated from the IVF thread (link below) and are having a go at our own thread to get out of the other IVF-ers hair! So get your roomy jogging bottoms on for some virtual hand holding, mutual symptom spotting and staying sane until the next scan date.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1691674-Excellent-Egg-Buddies-continued-Anyone-having-IVF-ICSI-in-Jan-Feb-and-March-2013-please-join-us

Here's the pangolin

fairy I have been using your skin method which seems to work. I think it's just one of those pregnancy things.

I had someone ask me today with a worried face 'how many weeks I had left', haha.

On the shazza discussion on coping, my issue is not so much the household chores and letting the bathroom go musty (or not), it's more about the fact that I feel so totally vulnerable that I will have two children in my life and I want to give them everything, yet knowing that I can't (not just in a monetary sense, but also in an emotional sense, i.e. I will make mistakes and I will want to work or do other things sometimes) Becoming a parent means an eternal sense of guilt and I am already feeling it! Then add to that all the hormones, lack of sleep etc and I easily fall off the slippery slope of adult sense of perspective ... example ... yesterday I went outside and bought an ice cream for which I got charged the princely inner London price of £2.50 (which is a total rip off, even for inner city London! Anyway!) and I immediately start fretting about whether we will be able to take the twins on days out with the current cost of living, which is an absolutely ridiculous thought (when thinking about it rationally, keyword here being 'rational'), because it's not as if we're on benefits and even if we were I am sure we could think of fab days out that would not cost the earth. I can't really explain what it is exacly I guess. It's silly, the cost of ice cream is making me cry now as I type this. God, I will turn in to a full on emo wreck when they arrive, if I am already like this now!

Dildals, I know what you mean about the fear. In my experience you will occasionally feel utterly overwhelmed by all the responsibilities but then get back to getting on with it all and doing the best you can, which is very likely to be 'good enough'!

Oh Dildals, bless you. I thought I was the nuts one but obviously have competition!
It's a huge thing and when we undergo IVF etc we live with fear of failure for a long time but now you're cruising towards a happy ending and it's bound to be overwhelming with a bundle of mixed emotions which aren't helped by heat, tiredness, hormones, aches and pains etc. Totally agree with Mariana that the 'good enough' is just fine.

Hi girls
Dildals I'm with you on the worry about the future. Especially worries about the cost and I've only got one. DP teases me cause when I see something that is hugely expensive I say that we could make that. He says that shazlett will be having homemade everything! Probably knitted homemade everything! Having said that he made an amazing rocket for his nephews at Christmas out of cardboard boxes and bits of stuff. It was fantastic. The boys had loads of expensive presents from the grandparents and guess what they played in everyday? I'm sure it's normal to worry like this. Life in London is so expensive but you can be resourceful. I felt so empowered at the weekend cause I bagged my first baby items from freecycle. Some girl clothes 0-6 months. DP said he was sorry that we can't buy new but I'm happy to be resourceful. I felt proud. Chaos and ruckus will love you with a lolly from Iceland and a play on the swings. Just you wait and see

Fairy you are getting lots of bump comments aren't you? People should mind their own business. At least you know that your little tinkerbell is growing and healthy.

Expat a taxi home sounds blissful. 90 mins on a bus is doing my back no good. The classes sound really interesting. Isn't it amazing what our bodies can do?

Mariana I'm glad trenchlet is ok. Bless her sleeping in her nappy. Babies in just their nappies are so cute in the summer.

Xx

I did a double take at girl clothes shazz! You can always pass them on again.

Regarding toys - you will be bought various little toys and rattles as baby gifts. The one thing I would really recommend for little babies is a play mat with dangling toys etc. we have one and have had hours and hours of use out of it and you can change the toys dangling from it so the baby doesn't get bored. You can also sit a bouncy chair under it to change the angle of interaction. Ours is like this one and Trenchlet is currently under it shouting happily at it and kicking her legs.

I feel another Top Tip coming on: see if there's a toy library near you. I joined one and got loads of dead good toys out for a few weeks at a time. Brilliant if you want to try something, or if you don't want great lumps of plastic filling up your small flat. I also got things I knew she'd get bored of quickly or grow out of, or electronic things that would drive me insane if we had them for longer than a couple of weeks. I lived in the inner city then and the local
toy library was verywell resourced and under used. Well worth looking into.

dildals only to echo Mariana and Expat that everyone feels that way from time to time and luckily the daily experience of raising children is so all absorbing, especially when they are newborns, that you just get on with it and hope for the best. It really helps though when they are there in the flesh and you can develop a relationship with them rather than just abstract notions of the embodiment of responsibility. I don't know about you but before I got married the idea of marriage itself seemed so loaded but then when I did we just got on with it and don't really think about it too much because after all you are just two people who have a relationship already. (bit of a run-on sentence there but I hope you get my drift).

mariana thanks for the link!

The bump comments are just making me really self-conscious, when I haven't been so far.

Brilliant idea about the toy library Mariana. Who knew such things existed? Love the playmat tip. I think dildals bagged one at the NCT sale didn't you dildals? I'm going to go to an NCT sale nearer the time and find one. If not the in laws are looking for a gift to give. I love your top tips. Please don't stop!

Fairy it's a shame if you feel self conscious. I bet you look gorgeous and can be proud of your lovely bump.
X

Oh and fairy I think you are right about the abstract feeling. I love shazlett but I guess I love the idea of shazlett. I can't imagine what she is like. What she looks like.

Mariana I do think that shazlett is a boy so I'm going to try to get some boy clothes as well to cover all bases!

Hi guys. Fairy, you're spot on about the abstract feeling. When we were first pregnant with ds we were happy but it was all abstract. So when he was born early we had to fall in love properly with a little human and then say goodbye. All really quickly.
This time round, we know that the wriggly thing inside me is a real solid body that can hold our finger and look towards us when we speak. It makes a huge difference but also really raises the stakes. I was thinking about Crisps as I wrote that too. Hope all is well Crisps.

I will start maternity leave as late as possible. Here you only get 15 weeks and must take at least a week of that beforehand. I have a few other things that takes it to 6 months but it's not really great so need to make the most of it.

Dildals, when I was young all our holidays were camping and there were so many of us it was mainly packed lunches. Ice creams from a shop were a big treat. We were I think quite a comfortably off family but looking after 6 kids was pretty expensive. You'll have your own ready made big family and it will be great. Stressful yes, but predominantly great. I had big vague worries before but now as it gets closer they have got more specific, ie, weaning etc. We'll all work it out. We have too - they're coming whether we're ready or not!

Shazza I did bag a playmat. They're not that expensive new either, if you don't happen to find one. Amazon/ASDA. On that note, I couldn't help myself and I bought 2 pink bouncy chairs from ASDA online for £9.60 (down from £25). My friend suggested I should have 2 bouncers downstairs and 2 upstairs so I have somewhere two park the girls so I can actually do something without the both of them getting in to mischief. They are probably not going to be very good. BUT THEY ARE GOING TO LOOK SO CUTE IN THEIR MATCHING PINK BOUNCY CHAIRS!!! :-)

Where did all my feminist ideals go about non gender specific upbringing and wooden toys .... ?

mariana Great idea on the toy library. There's one in my borough, will explore further.

Thanks for all the kind words on my strange crying fits over the price of ice cream. I full well know it is not rational ...

Definitely get two lots of bouncy chairs dildals. I spend a lot of time carrying my chair up and down as they are great places to park them. Especially as a lot of babies don't like to lie flat. I have Trenchlet in one while I shower, cook, see to DD1, hoover etc. only a very cheap one too, you don't need the vibrating electronic efforts. I'm with you on pink. I rarely buy anything pink but she does look awfully cute in a little pink get up, occasionally. Argh!

fairy, the marriage analogy is true for me too. It felt like such a big serious commitment but then it was done and we carried on as before.

A bit cooler here today. Hope you overheated pregnant ladies are coping!

Hi ladies

Just had a MW appt. all fine. We heard shazlett's heart and DP felt her for the first time cause the MW showed him where to press. So that was emotional.

Thanks for the asda tip dildals. My bro told me yesterday that asda also have a sterilising kit on sale for about £50. He's just got one.

I'm not too bad in the heat. I've got a fan at home and AC in the office so it's ok. And I'm not that big. By the time I'm waddling it will be oct/nov so much cooler.
X

shazza I may be wrong but I think there's microwave sterilisers cheaper than that (tommee tippee closer to nature £13.99 on Amazon). The bottles I got for free from someone. Only three, but it's a start.
There's a more expensive 'all you need' starter kit, but that's only useful if you are sure you want to bottle feed.
If you want to go really cheap you could just use a bucket/pan/bowl and drop a milton sterilising tablet in it. You drop all your items in there and they come out sterilised. That's the cheapest option!

Does it show I grew up in a frugal household?! ;-)

fairy I never really felt the urge to get married until I met my now husband. It was love at first sight (from my part anyway!) and after we got together for the first time I had the thought 'he would look so handsome in a wedding suit!'. Totally unlike me until that point. I absolutely loved getting married. I don't think it's necessary to have a good and working relationship, but it definitely gives your relationship a (temporary?) boost. I think it is the choice to make a public commitment to be a couple. Rituals still serve a purpose even in this electronic society. ;-)

On that note, is anyone having their child christened? I am not particularly religious, despite 14 yrs of catholic schooling (I don't think anything really stuck on the RE front! But I still love the singing!), so I would be inclined not to TBH. Perhaps we should throw the christening in with the joint 40th birthday party of DH and me next year! That's not a bad idea actually ...

Hi All, taking the leap and joinng up!

DS#1 was first round of IVF - he is going to be two at the end of August and is mental fabulous

I am currently 3+4 (yes that's right) after an FET. Between this and DS I have had 3 abandoned FETs and one failed one so feel like I have been made to work hard for this BFP.

I tested 4 days early and have the faintest of faintest second lines but I am determined to be more positive and enjoy this pregnancy as it is likley to be my last (unless I get a miracle natural one at some point, or this one miscarries) and I spent all my first (very easy, symptom free pregnancy) anxious as hell.

Recognising lots of names for various boards of the last couple of years so waves!!

Marinana I have taken to sitting with my feet in a bucket of cold water. My feet seem to be the hottest part of me. I will also look into toy library in my area too.

Shazza glad all went well at MW and nice that DP could get involved too

Dildals one of the few things we have decided is not to go down the christening route. We didn't get married in a church, Gretna Green for us, and neither of are religious. DH was catholic schooled and I was CofE so not sure which way we would go anyway.

Loads of people have recommended bouncy chair and playgyms but not together. Am liking the sound of baby enjoying the view from a different angle. A couple of people have raved about those V pillows during pregnancy for making sleeping with a bump more comfy, anyone got one? They did say don't get the expensive Mamas & Papas one but from Dunhelm Mills or such where they are about £5 rather than £40

fairy that is such lovely advice, the marriage analogy. You are right, taking that decision to share your life with someone else is hard to even contemplate in the abstract, but when you meet the right person, it just happens and you work it all out (and mostly it's great :-). It is still too early days for me to really feel able to think about this baby even in the abstract but if/when I let those thoughts out and start to panic - where will we put it? what kind of parents will we be? what about money? - I will try to remember the marriage analogy and keep calm.

Not that we've thought beyond the next scan yet but I don't think christening would be for us either. DH and I have different faiths anyway and I'm also inclined to think it is something for a child to decide, or not, when old enough to find their own path. However, I am attracted to the aspect of christening that is about formally welcoming a new baby into its community of friends and family. I think - hypothetically - that marking the milestone informally with a celebration that's meaningful to you, with the people you care about, is maybe a good compromise.

Can't believe how far along some of us are already! Goodness, maternity leave will be here before you know it. Sorry to hear of the pains and niggles though.

All OK with me, other than stressing over the next scan as so many of us are (next week for me), and sickness deciding to give me a last kick as the end of thee first trimester approaches. I was actually vomity yesterday and today which will teach me for thinking I was going to get away with just the odd bit of queasiness. Obviously nothing like some people have had to endure and in a way, oddly reassuring (maybe I am pregnant?).

Hi vanillapod and congratulations on getting this far and settling in for the next bit of anxious waiting. Mine is a frostie too, it still feels vaguely sci fi.

Hope everyone else is OK and not wilting in the heat. I'm hating it - nothing to do with being pregnant, just being a pale and pasty winter person - but it is still nice to see the sun and how happy people are that summer is here.

Hi vanillapod, quiet congratulations.

Glad all well shazza, what dildals said about sterilisers. I have a microwave one that was about a tenner. I breast feed though have started expressing milk. I only have two bottles, two teats etc and that's fine for breast milk expressing purposes. I'd wait and see how you decide to feed before paying out. Unless you definitely want to bottle feed of course. (If you do want to use a bit of formula when starting breast feeding e.g. before your milk comes in, then you don't need bottles as you can buy ready mixed stuff and cup feed them from a tiny medicine cup. Their weeny stomachs only hold 20mls at birth.)

We are both atheists so no christenings and we had a registry office wedding. I like the idea of formally welcoming the baby but not enough to ever arrange anything.

Hi valinna and congratulations! I remember you from the ivf cycling thread, v glad to meet you here again!

dildals love the double pink bouncy chairs, they will be adorable. I have thought about christening for DS because I like the idea and the ceremony but neither DH or I are practising and I'm afraid it would feel a bit artificial to ring up our local vicar.

shazza did you say you had a 90 min bus ride to work? I'd that EACH WAY? My god no wonder you are tired and have hurt your back. Can you not work from home every Friday at least? It is better you do that now than have to go on mat leave early.

expat 14 weeks really isn't very much, I'm surprised as I usually assume that sort of thing is always better on the continent. I have some Belgian friends and they said nurseries are quite cheap though so I suppose that's one consolation.

I had an appointment with the consultant midwife today to discuss a home birth. She was completely supportive although she had to tell me that strictly in terms of statistics birth in the hospital is safer for me, because of my previous CS. However the risk of scar rupture is less than .2% so really not enough to discourage me. She asked me about my labour with DS and I got quite teary. It's funny how it was 5 years ago and I can joke about it casually but if I talk about it in any detail I get overwhelmed. It's like I have a separate emotional memory. Still I feel quite optimistic that things will be very different this time because the problem before was DS's big head and poor positioning.

ceara we cross posted- thanks, glad the marriage analogy made sense to you. With your baby you also have unconditional love and the biological bond as well, which help enormously. It will all be fine.

I love the hot weather really but I don't have to go on a hot underground or bus to work and my office is quite cool on even the warmest days so that helps.

Help. Six weeks tomorrow and a smear of beige on the loo roll just then. i have had 'stretching' feelings in the womb area for the past couple of days and yesterday it was weirdly stabby. None of it felt like AF-style cramping so I have happily dismissed it until the beige smear just now. Am I miscarrying? Heartbeat scan on Friday and now I'm terrified.

Juicy please try not to worry. I know this is easier said than done. I had brown spotting with DS at 5/6 weeks and then a huge red bleed at 8 weeks. No reason for it and DS was fine. It could be anything. My bleeding was never explained.

All the cramping and stretching is just your womb getting used to being inhabited.

I am sorry you will have a stressful wait until Friday but I am sure things will be fine. Is it worth calling your clinic to see if you could go in tomorrow instead?

juicy like vanillapod says, the stretchy crampy thing is normal and bleeding in early pregnancy, while not normal exactly, is really common. It's frightening but doesn't always mean anything. For what it's worth I spotted from 6 weeks to nearly 9 weeks, mostly brown but one scary red bleed at 7 weeks. Scans so far have all been fine. Others on here had bleeding as well and I'm sure will be along to reassure you. Bleeding could even just be from the cervix ; all the hormones knocking around can cause cervical erosion. I won't say don't worry because you will, it's terrifying waiting for the first early scan (bleeding or not), but take it easy and be kind to yourself.

juicy, I won't say don't worry either but I will say that a beige smear is not really a bleed of any significance and you get all manner of sharp pains, dull aches, weird twinges all the way through pregnancy so it's more likely to be just a normal feature of pregnancy. Not long until Friday so try to distract yourself - being busy helps.

fairy, very strange but I can recite my sorry history without a flicker of emotion because I've had to do it so many times.

Thanks you so much for taking the time to reassure me, Vall, Ceara & Mariana. I promise to try and stay positive

I am reading all your posts, by-the-way.