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Pregnancy

My husband has gone AWOL - am 34 weeks pregnant

87 replies

CareerGirl01 · 29/03/2013 17:28

DH has history of depression and self medicating it - he binge drinks then is teetotal for long spells. He started a new job back in Novdmber and has been having issues (the normal ones you get in a new job) but he can't cope and on Wednesday morning he went off in our car and hasn't texted or called. He had been drinking the night before. We have a four year old DD.I'm feeling hopeful at the moment but come bedtime (DD's) I'm going to feel terrible. My nan died last week and we had her funeral yesterday. I'm wondering if my preggie moaning has driven him away. Btw - for mist of time together IVF been main breadwinner - I don't think he likes the current role reversal.

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Report

BabyHMummy · 29/03/2013 20:27

As someone who suffers with depression i am shocked by come of your comments.

Careergirl - i hope he is found safe and sound hun. As some say don't blame anything you have done. When that blackness sets in its impossible to see or think about anything clearly. He won't be doing this to deliberately hurt or upset you it simply won't have occurred to him that you will be worried. He will be so wrapped up in how bad he is feeling. He won't mean to be selfish its just how the illness takes hold of you.

Away strong and make sure someone is with you tonight! Keep us posted Xxx

Manchesterhistorygirl · 29/03/2013 20:29

Career I hope he's home very soon. There was a similar thread just yesterday and MNetters were amazing and got a missing campaign up and running on twitter. We can do the same if you would like.

Holding your hand.

thewhistler · 29/03/2013 20:32

Couldn't read and run..

It sounds as if everything is just too much atm for him. Not your fault at all, and yes he is being v irresponsible.

But as a depressive it can feel as though the best thing for the people you love is just not to be there. Those who are nor depressive IME find that hard to comprehend emotionally let alone morally.

Well done for calling the police.

When he is found, comes back, get him help. Ads + CBT.

Hope all goes well and look after yourself

LetMeAtTheWine · 29/03/2013 20:37

I thought the same BabyH. After all of the awareness that is raised regarding mental health issues these days you would think people would have some idea. Apparently not.

OP, I hope you have the support you need and you find him soon. It's hard to help someone with depression who doesn't want to be helped but I hope he sees sense in the very, very near future.

YourHandInMyHand · 29/03/2013 20:58

I wrote rather harshly of the OP's husband - I wrote as someone who suffers from depression and is on antidepressants, has had counselling, etc. I am clued up on depression and live with it daily but the fact I have a child forces me to confront my depression, take medication from my doctor, attend counselling - I owe it to my child and even though I don't feel the need to do it for myself I do it for him.

I do hope he is found safe but that doesn't mean I don't also think him selfish. Yes depression can make you selfish but "medicating" with alcohol is not the way to tackle it.

LetMeAtTheWine · 29/03/2013 21:23

In fairness, YourHand, your post wasn't the worst. It is great that you are in a position where you keep going for your child. Perhaps he has not got to that point yet. It took me about a year of drinking myself into stupor before I did anything about my depression, or even admitted I had a problem to be honest.

I don't think I was selfish or pathetic, and i wasn't a 'c**t' because of it. I was really unwell. There are different degrees of it, some people deal with it better than others and no doubt some people do 'play on it'. We aren't in a position to know the extent of the OP's dh's illness but she is.

She has been left in a shit position, he does need to get help but, as you know from the sound it, it isn't simply a case of get a grip and pull yourself together.

Anyway, I hope for the OP's case he returns home soon and gets the help he needs. I cannot imagine how she must be feeling.

Over and out from me, it's a bit too close to home at the minute.

BabyHMummy · 29/03/2013 21:34

Letme i was about to post something similar!!

So many people have told me lately that i should get a grip and thank my lucky stars i am pg but i cannot feel anything but indifferent about it.

Depression had a massive scale of severity and whilst some can see someting positive to drive them forward like you state your child was Yourhand other find it impossible to see anything positive to focus on.

People calling the gp's hubby names like c**t is both evil and unhelpful. The poor girl sounds out of her wits with worry. She needs support not people condeming her dh. She obviously lives him and wa.Ts to support him show about supporting hets!"

Saundy · 29/03/2013 21:42

Didn't want to read & run OP I hope you're ok, he turns up safe & commits to seeking help.

Don't blame yourself, we're all entitled to have a little moan & you doing so is not the cause of his problems. Don't beat yourself up.

Unfortunately DP's problems cannot be fixed by you so try & apply your can do attitude to concentrating on yourself & DC as that is something you can influence.

Thinking of you x

SunshineOutdoors · 29/03/2013 21:42

Hi op, I hope you're ok and the police have been and given some helpful advice.

I think whatever is going on with dh the first thing you need to do is make sure you and bump and dd are ok and supported. Do you have anyone, friend or family who can help maybe keep you company and be a bit of a rl listening ear?

I can't imagine what you must be going through but hope you hear some news soon to help with the worry you must be feeling.

CareerGirl01 · 29/03/2013 22:09

Police have been round - taken pics and details. It is like DH is two people - one kind, generous, loving and a wonderful dad to our DD. the other is a man who seems to sink so low it's impossible to talk him through anything. I have gone through all the emotions - including anger- he has left us in a horrible situation but if he was in his right mind he would not have gone off like that. Thanks for all your kind words. Just want him home and safe now

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Saundy · 29/03/2013 22:13

I really hope they find him or he makes contact soon. Can anyone be with you in the mean time?

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2013 22:15

I hope you will hear from him v soon and have him home safe and sound.

As others have said, the fact that he may be in the midst of depression will affect his judgement and his decisionmaking, however not every depressive will run away, so there is a 'selfish' and inconsiderate part of it.

I don't do FB or Twitter , but it can be a really good way to spread the word if you want?

I really hope you can get at least some sleep tonight x.

ElliesWellies · 29/03/2013 22:58

Best wishes OP - I really hope he turns up soon.

To those defending his behaviour because of the depression - yes, when you are in the middle of an 'episode' of it, it can be impossible to see your way out. I have been there. I don't blame him for this. But this has been going on for some time, and during one of his 'better' periods, he needs to look at every option available. Going on like this when you have a child/children is not ok.

CareerGirl01 · 29/03/2013 22:58

saundy my mum is here - she lives in the next road - so I'm not too far from help and support. At least I have Mumsnet too - am almost in years at the support I'm getting xx

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babyradio · 29/03/2013 23:36

I'm glad someones with you, have been checking back all evening to see if you're ok.

I wish there was more we could do to help, try and get some sleep and hopefully it will all be resolved soon.

CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 07:19

DH is still missing. It is some comfort that so many MNetters have offered support. At least now the police know they can track him via the car reg and his mobile. Today I have to take DD to a birthday party and my mum and sister will be round. The longer this goes on the harder it will be to te DD and my two DNs who are 8 and 12.

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BabyHMummy · 30/03/2013 07:24

Sorry to hear he is still making. I hope you get come news soon hun.

As for telling the kids i would simply tell them he has gone away for a few days and him phone won't work and leave ot as that for now. Til there is actually something to tell them its not worth risking upsetting them.

Here for you xx

SunshineOutdoors · 30/03/2013 07:29

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what to advise, but for today, help your dd enjoy her party but make sure you talk to your mum and on here when you're feeling low. Really hoping for some news for you soon.

I know it's a horrible thought but have you rang round hospitals as the police suggested?

Numberlock · 30/03/2013 07:48

Taking the depression out of it for a moment, you mentioned that he hadn't coped well with you becoming the main earner recently. How did that manifest itself?

CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 08:23

numberlock he's the main earner now- most of the time it's been me. He's not good at having the pressure of having to earn. I know that sounds lame but to be honest I'm the most driven out of the both of us and didnt mind working - even after having DD. I'm a journalist and love my job. When he was in his 20s and early 30s DH loved his career. Bug he has wanted to retrain and do something else. He wants to do something more meaningful - again I can understand that. I said all he has to do is stay in his job till I end my maternity leave. So while the pressure is on now I've told him he can go and do something else when I go back to work. I sound bossy but I'm lucky to have found a job I love; why shouldn't he. I really do think he needs to go back on his meds and restart the CBT counselling. I'm hoping its not too late. My stepfather killed himself when I was 20 and you can imagine what is going through my mind.

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CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 08:24

sunshine police said they are checking local hospitals as its now a missing persons enquiry.

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CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 08:26

Numberlock that post makes me sound like a harridan - but one of us has to make decisions and its normally me. I don't like that at all.

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Rockchick1984 · 30/03/2013 08:28

Careergirl I hope he returns home soon safe and well. Once he is feeling a bit more stable, he needs to do something about this (again, speaking as someone who suffered depression in the past). He needs to see what it does to you, and what it does to your child (soon to be children). It may also be worthwhile him going to AA and stopping drinking - that way when he has an episode of depression he has to face it head-on rather than just drinking until he forgets!

BabyHMummy · 30/03/2013 08:37

Careergirl - sounds like you have done everything to support him. He won't and probably can't do anything about addressing how he feel until he hits rock bottom. I hope he sees how much you love him and gets the help he needs!
I am sorry to hear about your step dad and it can't be easy having that in the back of you mind. hopefully he has just gone on a bender and sleeping it off somewhere. Alcohol is quite a common crutch for men with depression. My dad used is for years but eventually realised he loved my mum and us more than the bottle. I hope you have the same result.

As hard as it is try and stay positive. Try not to think about amythomg other than home coming hone safe and sound work him tail between his legs.

Casserole · 30/03/2013 08:43

Careergirl I don't have anything useful to say but i couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Everything crossed he comes back soon and sorts himself out x

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