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Pregnancy

My husband has gone AWOL - am 34 weeks pregnant

87 replies

CareerGirl01 · 29/03/2013 17:28

DH has history of depression and self medicating it - he binge drinks then is teetotal for long spells. He started a new job back in Novdmber and has been having issues (the normal ones you get in a new job) but he can't cope and on Wednesday morning he went off in our car and hasn't texted or called. He had been drinking the night before. We have a four year old DD.I'm feeling hopeful at the moment but come bedtime (DD's) I'm going to feel terrible. My nan died last week and we had her funeral yesterday. I'm wondering if my preggie moaning has driven him away. Btw - for mist of time together IVF been main breadwinner - I don't think he likes the current role reversal.

OP posts:

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Saundy · 30/03/2013 08:53

I was just checking back in, it sounds like you're doing everything right, keeping DC busy & having family around you. I know it's almost impossible not to think the worst but try & stay hopeful, when he sees that there has been police involvement etc it should help him to realise how serious the situation was & to seek out help again.

I hope you have some good news soon, I have massive respect for how you're coping, stay strong x

Numberlock · 30/03/2013 09:25

It doesn't make you sound like a harridan at all! Let's concentrate on him coming home safely and then decide on the best way to handle the future.

PacificDogwood · 30/03/2013 10:08

Oh crap, he's still missing .
I am so glad you had somebody with you overnight and that your family are there.

I'd suggest you be as honest, but age-appropriate with your DD. And your DNs as well - they are old enought to pick up that something is wrong. And not knowing and imagining all sorts is much worse for children. Just say you don't know were DH is and that you are worried, but that lots of people are looking for him and he'll be home again soon hopefully.

Following the other thread recently were sombody's DP had gone missing, I have said to my DH in all seriousness if he ever felt the need to abscond for whatever reason, he is to leave a frigging note!! Depression, or debts, or not coping with new role, or whatever: surely a note to say "I am away and will be back when ready" or something would be a considerate thing to do?
Sorry, rant over.

You sound very 'together' and you are doing all the right things. Sounds like you have a busy day ahead which might help with distracting yourself.

LetMeAtTheWine · 30/03/2013 10:14

I was going to stay away from this as close to home but came back hoping for some good news for you CareerGirl. Your sound like you have been a massive support to your husband and have done everything you can for him. I really hope he is home soon (and he can see sense enough to get the help he needs).

Ellie, no-one is 'defending' his behaviour, simply saying that there is a reason he has done this and calling him pathetic and a c**t is probably unfair and definitely unhelpful. His wife needs support not to be repeatedly told he is being selfish. It is obvious he shouldn't have done it and no-one is suggesting it is ok that he has. Hopefully the OP realises this is what people meant as she is the only one that matters anyway.

Queenofknickers · 30/03/2013 11:24

Just wanted to check in and say I'm thinking of you. Wish I had something useful to add but sending you big hugs x

BoyMeetsWorld · 30/03/2013 12:53

How awful....again, couldn't read and run. Thinking of you and sending support - lets hope that, for all his faults, you get him back soon safe and sound. You take care of that bump

thewhistler · 30/03/2013 13:11

Career girl, you don't sound bussy or a harridan.

Sorry to hear he hasn't been tracked yet. Hope today goes well.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 30/03/2013 13:51

Just wanted to say I think you're doing amazingly well in extremely difficult circumstances. Really hope he turns up soon. All the best.

babyradio · 30/03/2013 14:05

So sorry he hasn't turned up yet, you don't sound bossy at all, in fact you sound incredibly supportive and understanding. I hope you get some good news soon x

Longdistance · 30/03/2013 14:17

What a way to live :(

He needs to seek help ASAP with his depression, as this is effecting you and your family badly. If he won't listen, give him an ultimatum.

And make sure you sort put a joint bank account, so you can pay the mortgage when he has one of his moments.

CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 15:05

Still no sign of DH. Police need his iPhone account details. I'm wondering what they can do re. his bank account. I wish I had his password etc - could see where he last withdrew or spent money. Still trying to stay strong;, goodness knows how thanks for all your kind words x

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Saundy · 30/03/2013 15:13

Oh career I was hoping so much for you that he'd be back by now. Hopefully they'll be able to see if he's been using his phone - did they ask for his bank details too? At least you might find out that he's alive at least even if you don't know where.

I don't normally pray but whoever the god of missing DH's is I'm asking them to send yours back.

You will stay strong, it's clearly within you. My thoughts are with you xx

NewChoos · 30/03/2013 15:18

Could you contact anyone at the bank to explain the situation?
Sorry if I was a bit harsh - my ex also had problems with depression and alcohol and also found work stressful.
Hoping for brighter times for you soon x

fatandlumpy · 30/03/2013 17:26

I didn't want to read and run. I do hope you get news soon... hug

YourHandInMyHand · 30/03/2013 17:38

Sorry to see he's still not been found Careergirl, I hope he turns up safe and sound soon and can get some support.

I know I sounded rather stroppy last night but I was just so cross for you, I do understand him being in a dark place though.

CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 18:21

I know - I get angry as well. Now I'm wondering what I've done and could I have done more to make him see the counsellor. The police are going to see what they can do about tracking his bank account.

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NewChoos · 30/03/2013 18:29

I honestly don't think you could have done more - he needs to want to get better/see the counsellor himself

LetMeAtTheWine · 30/03/2013 18:37

It is unlikely that you could have done anymore. You sound like you have been a huge support to him and often people who are suffering need to realise themselves that they need help, meanwhile putting others through hell and refusing to accept there is a problem.

I am sorry you haven't heard anything. You are allowed to be angry, don't ever feel guilty about that. Hopefully you will soon hear he is safe and well and when he comes home he will get the help he needs.

I hope you don't try and go through this on your own and instead use the support available to you. Never feel guilty, this is not your doing in any way, shape or form. You have done NOTHING to deserve this.

LittleBunnyFeileFooFoo · 30/03/2013 18:38

Wow, this is the second guy who has done this to a pregnant partner in the last three days! What is going on?

OP, you sound like you're coping ok, I hope everything turns out ok. If I were you I'd insist on password access or a joint account, no ifs ands or buts about it, especially if he has form for this.

I get he's depressed, but leaving his family in the lurch like this is just not responsible, and if he can't be relied upon, he needs to hand you the reins until he gets some counselling and help!

Manchesterhistorygirl · 30/03/2013 18:42

Just checking in. Sorry you've still no news.

CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 19:49

Good news DH came home. Brought back by police - our car reg showed up on their system. He's not in a good way mentally but is okay. Xxxx

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CareerGirl01 · 30/03/2013 19:53

I don't know where we will go from here though. He needs counselling- but says he hates his job. DC2's arrival is 4 and a half weeks away - what a mess.

OP posts:

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HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 30/03/2013 19:59

I'm so glad he came back. I think you need to get psychiatry input ASAP and get him on long term sick leave. He needs more than counselling. Go to the GP first thing on Tuesday or phone nhs direct now. His mental health is just as urgent as a physical problem.

In the meantime, he needs to share money with you so you're not left high and dry.

I wish you all the very best, life is not going to be easy for you all for some time. Take every it of help and support you can.

BabyHMummy · 30/03/2013 20:18

So glad he is home career that is brilliant news.

The girls are right about money and getting him help hun. As hard as it is he needs more than just counselling hun.

Sending love n hugs to you all

babyradio · 30/03/2013 20:48

I am so glad he is home safe. Sick leave as someone else has suggested is a good idea. I hope it all works out.

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