pregnant and so lonely - despite having a Partner (Long I am afraid)

[Justmeandthebump]

I was going to post in the relationship forum but as it is so intertwined to pregnancy I thought I might get more useful advice here.

I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy. I find that I am going to bed most nights crying. I was lying there last night trying to understand why and I think it is because I feel so lonely. I lay there on my side with baby kicking about and felt like it was just him and me and he was comforting me. Which made me cry more.

I think the problem arises from my partner working and me not working. With him working and me not the dynamic is completely different. If I dare complain about the smallest thing the answer will be that he works hard all week. If I ask him to do anything at the weekend his response is that he works all week and he has two days off so he will do what he likes.

I go to bed every night early (around 8 sometimes) as I am really struggling with heartburn, exhaustion, depression and general pregnancy related horribleness. He comes to bed every night when he wants - as late as 11 or 12. But he works so he can do what he likes.

When he is home all he does is sit on his computer/phone, chat to 'friends' on web forums to do with his hobby, watch DVDs to do with his hobby or play computer games - but he works so he can do what he likes.

At the weekend we live completely separate lives - in the same house. He will never sit and watch anything with me. We generally can't eat together because we eat separate things (pregnancy sickness). We don't do anything together and I can't complain about him being on his computer etc because it is his day off and he works hard all week.

I think he thinks staying at home all the time is so much fun. But it isn't - it is crap daytime TV and feeling lonely, washing up, being on your own, feeling too sick to eat, drinking tea and just waiting - like a dog - for your partner to come home. When he gets home I get a hug, a little chat, and then the same old separateness till I go to bed. He gets to go to work and have friends there and have an escape from home and a social life.

I, on the other hand, have no one at all here because we are in a new town. The money he earns he is incredibly selfish with and it goes on him.

He basically gets to do what he wants, gets drunk, smokes, watches what he wants, plays what he wants, comes to bed when he wants, does whatever he wants and doesn't have to do anything I want while I have to take it all and just not say anything because he works and I don't. He used to care so much about what I thought about certain things (him smoking or his appearance for eg) now he doesn't care what my opinion is and his way goes.

I don't know what to do anymore because we are about to have a baby. Last night I made the decision to just accept that we are going to live separate lives because that is kinder on my heart than constantly being rejected by him and waiting for intimacy that doesn't come.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if it was just me and baby on our own. Does anyone have any similar feelings? Can anyone advise?

It's good to get some fresh air though and to move about. Maybe set yourself a little task each day like to buy chocolate a pint of milk or the paper? I have freelanced from home in the past and used to look forward eagerly to my trips to the post box! It will be even more important to get out once the baby arrives. Don't give in to it. It is the North, people will talk to you probably more than you want.

P.S sod baby showers - I've only been to one in my life and it was a very pink and fake occasion. The Americans can keep them...!

ha ha - thanks Phineyj. You have made me feel better. I have subscribed to Netmums and enquired about some groups - and hopefully things will be on their way up.

Hi i have read your pages and feel so sorry for you. I live in the north west and if you are feeling still rotten, i can meet for a coffee. I was in a similar position like you years ago.
please get in touch xxx

Im on my second child, in the middle of switching OBGYN's so i dont

know the sex of the baby yet. I am about 4 1/2 months and have had a

few complications but nothing too serious. As of a couple of weeks ago

my husband has started working 2 jobs, with a second baby coming I

saw a good opportunity to make extra saving for the new baby. I am a

stay at home mom, i have a young child of almost 3 and 8 new pitbull

puppies along with their very calm and shy mom and my small chihuahua

terrier. so aside from my house duties i have all those little ones along

with my unborn child to look after.

This is where my dilemma starts,...i go to bed in tears. Most recently its

the lack of "energy" my husband has. MY husband does have 1 physically

demanding job and then a high paced second job, one part and one full

time. im cant complain for anything, he works to hard to be bothered. So

i end up suffering in silence or at night. i try to be understanding and not

bother him so i tend to be scared to ask for help for anything. Dishes are

very hard for me, my nausea is horrible, if im about to eat i vomit, smell

something, think about something. He'd said hed do them but when the

second job camit was, "well i work so sorry, I'll do them on my day off".

THe weekends would come and nothing, again, "i work i want to relax".

So after that I stopped asking. with having a large dog and living in a

small apartment, i find it to be difficult especially when that dog was a

year old when you got her and an outside dog. I took a while to semi

potty train that dog but I did it, she get taken out regularly. But when she

has an accident its my fault. I am in Nevada, and at the moment its

summer where it reaches 117. So I cant take her out so frequently during

the day but i do and its really draining and exhausting. So overall with my

Demanding almost 3 year old daughter a huge dog, cleaning and cooking

Im always tired and really uncomfortable with my growing tummy. At the

end of the day my husband comes home and maybe eats dinner and

plays video games and goes to bed. A few nights ago I would try to be

affectionate and nothing Im too tired, the thought of getting hurt or

feeling rejected is very hard. I want to be understanding but when you eat

before he gets home knowing i made something hurts, when he says" i

play to stay awake anything will make me sleepy, it hurts to think that he

can come home at 10pm and play till 2am and tell me he has no energy

to be intimate or spend anytime with me. The last time i approached him

on being intimate be just said," i want YOU to be more romantic when you

approach me". I feel like Im just a baby incubator and nothing more

thats the only time he hugs me, almost like he does not see me, or like im

just gross looking with my round tummy. If i give him any indication that

Im sad or frustrated he gets mad and lectures me.i have to hide my

feelings. i have to hide me Im at a loss at what to do.

If just found this website, I'm so sorry your having a hard time, I'm also at the end of my pregnancy and feel awful, i cry all the time I feel so lonely, all my friends seem to have vanished and now I look through my contacts at who I could text and there is no one. My partner also works hard all week, I feel bad asking him to do things on a night or a weekend but I can't manage on my own, I feel verym,uh like his last priority like what I want or need doesn't matter, he makes comments like I would say yes just for an easy life, this upsets me more then anything because I feel like an inconvenience to him I want him to want to do things for me because he likes to see me happy but that very rarely happens, he goes out and has a good social life which he does include me in sometimes, I feel like I'm a leech to him like he feels like he has to spend time with me but not because he wants to, I try to tell him how I feel but he gets angry and calls me names like hormonal mess or I need to sort my head out.
I feel so lonily as sad and pathetic as that sounds but I wonder what it wil be like when I have my daughter will I still be stuck inside bored and lonily?
I feel like the spark and excitement has gone on his side we don't do fun things anymore we don't really talk, it's like conversation comes to an end because there isn't much to say, I'm a talker and I like to talk a lot mostly to him because I see him as my best firmed and like another lady said I find my self waiting all day for him to come home like a dog. I feel like he thinks I'm too needy and I really try not to be because I don't want to push him away and i don't want to loose him. I messed up in the past and I did an awful thing that broke his trust (we were not together at the time) not excusing it at all, and now I feel like I can never live that down.
I used to feel happy and content but now I feel sad and lonily and scared of been left alone. I guess as a result of this I push him away when he hurts me because I don't want to be hurt I don't want to feel sadder then I allready do, I just want him to like me and want to soend time with me and make an effort to do things that make me happy, maybe even to feel loved but I don't he doesn't hug me properly he puts one arm around me and pats my back we rarely kiss and more nd sex is a no go because of my pregnancy which is fine and I understand it but I feel so unloved and unwanted.... Whenever I try to explain this he hates it I can see he hates it like he doesn't think anything is wrong he thinks I'm just trying to "find problems" but I feel shit his hugs his lack of support, he would rather spend time with his friends then me I guess I'm jealous because ei want to be the one he can't wait to see but I'm not. I'm just the needy hormonal mess who is in bed again crying. I don't know what to do I don't know how to make this better or how to make him fall in love again is anyone else going through this? What can I do to make this pain stop and make my life better again.

I'm years late. I hope things have gotten better for you. I just found out today that my husband and I are expecting our 3rd child. I'm basically in the same boat as you at only 6 weeks.. He was sucky with both pregnancies, although promising to do all he can. Now, and even in my other two pregnancies it is always how he works and I wouldn't understand when I ask him for cuddle time or just convo. I have explained to him I feel like a dog waiting at the door for him. I just sit home bored til I know he's due home. By that time I have sat in the window waiting to see another adult in my life who can just make all my loneliness go away. And then the rejection comes because of "work ". I have tried making myself super woman by handling everything on my own including watching my kids both on my own after fresh ccestions not even days old. He was more there with our first from excitement, but it went away after that.. I just feel so low and trying to not restart the tradition of crying myself to sleep . I'm afraid to even think to say anything because I know the convo direction... he "works". There is so much, but I don't feel like pouring my entire life out here. Just would be nice to have consistent attention like his friends all get whether he's exhausted or not. As a mom and wife, I'm not allowed to be sick or want to just wake up and do nothing. That doesn't exist... I think my superman is broken and I'm not sure I care to fix him this time

I just found out today that my husband and I are expecting our 3rd child. I'm basically in the same boat as you at only 6 weeks.. He was sucky with both pregnancies, although promising to do all he can. Now, and even in my other two pregnancies it is always how he works and I wouldn't understand when I ask him for cuddle time or just convo. I have explained to him I feel like a dog waiting at the door for him. I just sit home bored til I know he's due home. By that time I have sat in the window waiting to see another adult in my life who can just make all my loneliness go away. And then the rejection comes because of "work ". I have tried making myself super woman by handling everything on my own including watching my kids both on my own after fresh ccestions not even days old. He was more there with our first from excitement, but it went away after that.. I just feel so low and trying to not restart the tradition of crying myself to sleep . I'm afraid to even think to say anything because I know the convo direction... he "works". There is so much, but I don't feel like pouring my entire life out here. Just would be nice to have consistent attention like his friends all get whether he's exhausted or not. As a mom and wife, I'm not allowed to be sick or want to just wake up and do nothing. That doesn't exist... I think my superman is broken and I'm not sure I care to fix him this time

I feel the same way everything except we both don’t work but he’s none stop playing videos games this behavior of his has started around taxes season I was okay, this will end after he gets his tax money. Didn’t happen he spent all his money on himself only got me one thing. He bought him self a new car, full computer and monitor gaming system, nothing for his 4 year old son, and now he’s on the computer none stop playing Skyrim sex mod were sexy characters fuck each other and he can do what ever he wants. He stoped spending time with me stoped cuddling me he stop listening to me I feel extremely lonely even though we are in the same room. He hasn’t kept to his word he made all kinds of promises saying when taxes come in we can go on a trip or go on dates even said he’d buy me a ps4 so we can spend time together. That’s the one thing he bought me, but yeah no none of that happened! I’m only two more months left for my pregnancy. He keeps making remarks saying when the baby comes that she better be quick and that I’ll be the one to be getting up at night when she cry’s. I have only been with since about nine months now. And I’m super afraid that he’s not joking. My opinion! he doesn’t listen to any more. I’m so confused even though he has a 4 year son already this is my first baby and it’s supposed to be special and he’s acting like it’s not. He can get up and leave any time he won’t he has a car and friends. I don’t have any friends I’m completely alone. My mother not there for me cause she’s Christian and only believes marriage first before child so I’m being shunned. I have been crying every night since beginning of tax season even though I just got my taxes filed in done I’m still not using it for my self. My mind is not in the right mind set right now.

I shouldn’t have typed any of that none it made any sense. I’m typing while I’m crying. I’m afraid.

Did anything get any better for you once babies arrived?

I really hope so. Obviously OP will have an older child now and these are hopefully distant memories but thinking of the most recent posters with toddlers now too.

Hi,

It’s been years since you posted, and I relate so much to what you were going through.

I hope you are ok hugs. It sucks to think it but it isn’t because we are pregnant, they’re just not in love with us. We need more support and anyone that truly loves and respects us would give that to us.

9 weeks pregnant, siting at hairdressers, softly crying and realising I need to split. Wedding this month.

I’ve cried almost every day for the last 2 months. I’ve told him I need more love attention support. Nothing’s changed. He works away all week, comes home on the weekend, drinks and expects to have lamb chops cooked for him. I work ft in a management position. I bought my home alone 9 years ago, and then built a second home for my disabled mum on the same land. I pay all the bills. I eat chicken and rice.

I just feel so used. I feel like I got tricked. This is not what I signed up for.

He shares no excitement for the child. Even at the ultrasound I was waiting for the pictures to print and he asked me if I really needed it.

When we met he told me he wanted to get married have a family, and what he has demonstrated has been such a disappointment.

I am trying to stick it out for the baby. My dad wasn’t around and I grew up quicker, financially supporting my younger siblings and mum. I don’t want my child to ever feel the bed to grow up quickly.

It’s a weird feeling. It’s not even a question of whether I love him anymore - that I don’t even think about. It’s that I don’t love who I’ve become, what I feel like, with him.

@Justmeandthebump I am so sorry you are going through this OP. What's all this his money etc.. he works yes but you keep the house and are growing a human! That is more than a job in itself. I have been a sahm for 4 years now. I'm pregnant with baby 3. My dh works full time, however we have shared bank account. The money goes in and basically I look after it. He asks for his pocket money and I transfer that to his own account. We both have access to it so use this for family days out, food, or just personal things clothes etc. He jokes sometimes well I've been at work all day, but then I remind him that so have I and my job is 24/7 and I dont get a lunch break or day off. Sometimes it helps for him to have the kids on his own for a day to just realise what I do.

Your dp is not being fair on you at all! Have you ever had the conversation with him about money? You should work out how much you need to cover Bill's, food etc. A little to save then work out a budget for both of you to have some pocket money each. You need to have that so you have your own independence.

Definitely talk to your midwife if your feeling depressed. Or even your gp if she is not so approachable. Becoming a mother is a very emotional time but that baby in there will love you more than you will ever know, you will be their everything.

Sending you a big virtual hug xxx