pregnant and so lonely - despite having a Partner (Long I am afraid)

[Justmeandthebump]

I was going to post in the relationship forum but as it is so intertwined to pregnancy I thought I might get more useful advice here.

I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy. I find that I am going to bed most nights crying. I was lying there last night trying to understand why and I think it is because I feel so lonely. I lay there on my side with baby kicking about and felt like it was just him and me and he was comforting me. Which made me cry more.

I think the problem arises from my partner working and me not working. With him working and me not the dynamic is completely different. If I dare complain about the smallest thing the answer will be that he works hard all week. If I ask him to do anything at the weekend his response is that he works all week and he has two days off so he will do what he likes.

I go to bed every night early (around 8 sometimes) as I am really struggling with heartburn, exhaustion, depression and general pregnancy related horribleness. He comes to bed every night when he wants - as late as 11 or 12. But he works so he can do what he likes.

When he is home all he does is sit on his computer/phone, chat to 'friends' on web forums to do with his hobby, watch DVDs to do with his hobby or play computer games - but he works so he can do what he likes.

At the weekend we live completely separate lives - in the same house. He will never sit and watch anything with me. We generally can't eat together because we eat separate things (pregnancy sickness). We don't do anything together and I can't complain about him being on his computer etc because it is his day off and he works hard all week.

I think he thinks staying at home all the time is so much fun. But it isn't - it is crap daytime TV and feeling lonely, washing up, being on your own, feeling too sick to eat, drinking tea and just waiting - like a dog - for your partner to come home. When he gets home I get a hug, a little chat, and then the same old separateness till I go to bed. He gets to go to work and have friends there and have an escape from home and a social life.

I, on the other hand, have no one at all here because we are in a new town. The money he earns he is incredibly selfish with and it goes on him.

He basically gets to do what he wants, gets drunk, smokes, watches what he wants, plays what he wants, comes to bed when he wants, does whatever he wants and doesn't have to do anything I want while I have to take it all and just not say anything because he works and I don't. He used to care so much about what I thought about certain things (him smoking or his appearance for eg) now he doesn't care what my opinion is and his way goes.

I don't know what to do anymore because we are about to have a baby. Last night I made the decision to just accept that we are going to live separate lives because that is kinder on my heart than constantly being rejected by him and waiting for intimacy that doesn't come.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if it was just me and baby on our own. Does anyone have any similar feelings? Can anyone advise?

That's a shame, bit far away :(

I am so sorry you are going through this I really think you should talk to your parents going home isn't failing!
My husband works hard and me and my DH were living seperate lives we had the same rows again and again until I left him 2 weeks ago. This forced him to acknowledge things needed to change and we couldn't carry on like this. I am home again now after some long chats and he realised he missed me but he was not as bad as your DP sounds as I have money and he pays for things for me our DS and baby due next year. We are still working through things but it is a lot better.
You need support and if he can't give that to you now how will he be when the baby arrives?
If your parents pay for the rent and bills then they are more than covering your share and he is benefiting from this you should be a partnership and you should be able to have some money even if it isn't a lot. What are you doing a about paying for things for the baby nappies, clothes, baby wipes, prams etc.
You are not a failure but staying in a relationship that is making you unhappy is unhealthy you need to do something about it not just for you but for your baby this could be moving home for some space, leaving him or just finding a way to work things out but make sure you do something.
My heart goes out to you I am so sorry your partner is making you feel so isolated at this time. x x

thank you - baby stuff so far has come from mum.

You definitely need to do something to give him a kick up the arse! Again another person putting things into perspective; I often feel like this, I moved to be near my DH's family and friends when we had to settle down somewhere but (even though I do work and socialise with his family and friends) I still feel very lonely a lot of the time because they are not my friends iyswim.
Anyway, to give you an idea of the typical day my DH works he left the house at 4:30 this morning and won't be back until about 18:00ish. He works bloody hard while he's there as well but would never in a million years consider telling me he's working harder than I am because he's there more hours etc and earns more. In fact I am the one trying to tell him that he doesn't have to put all his wages into the joint account when I'm on maternity leave as I know full well that if I want to go somewhere or buy something he will just give me the money anyway.
I also think there could be an element of not realising that he is being a selfish twat though. As lovely as my DH has been on Saturday night he went out (for a 'couple of drinks') abut I woke up at 1:30am in pain, he wasn't there and I was scared. I rang him and he answered but then hung up and didn't ring me back. Now I went absolutely mental (proper hormonal rage) when got home and, despite initially thinking I was over reacting, he ended up in tears apologising because he realised just how much I needed him and he had to get his head around that.
If I were you I would go to my DPs house and let him stew for a bit. If that doesn't change his behaviour then your family stops bankrolling him in the house and he starts paying proper CM to you. You can't let somebody treat you horrendously once you know that they know what they are doing.

Also I'm in the NW, near Lancaster, if you do someone in RL to talk to.

OP you say your family is paying the rent, food, bills and providing the baby stuff. So he's doing nothing but making you feel bad. Pack his bags and turf him out if you want to stay where you are. You will still be better off than you are now.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I suffered with it myself a year ago. If you are anything like me you feel totally alone, everything seems an effort, you want to be comforted but feel like he doesn't understand and you get shot down in flames when you try to explain, everything makes you hugely emotional.

I only admitted something was wrong when I found myself sat in the bedroom sobbing uncontrollably over something insignificant. I bit the bullet and went to the doctors, he was lovely and so understanding. You don't have to have pills, you can be referred to see someone just to talk to, they are just their to listen not to judge.

I found that as soon as I admitted I wasn't myself and the doctor acknowledged that something was wrong I felt better.

I suggest going to see you GP just for a chat, you have so many hormones going round in your body at the moment they may have just thrown things off centre for you. I feel that emotionally I was in your situation last year and now me and my partner are happier than ever and are trying for a baby. Fingers crossed for you xxx

I've sent you a PM Justme, I'm in Cheshire if that's anywhere near you, and I'm up for a coffee and a chat if you fancy it. Would be a welcome distraction from waiting for baby to arrive (38 weeks pg)

I'm so sorry for you Justme. I know exactly how you're feeling. My DH is as selfish as yours and I got/get the same excuses (even when i did go back to work after having DS). I hope he'll change but i doubt it (yours and mine that is). I found it much better once DS arrived. Unlike you I have always been the main earner so I had the luxury of being able to afford to do what I wanted when I was off. Have you looked at the NCT for any bumps and babes groups near you (look for your due month). I found the girls there wonderful and we formed really strong friendships. As far as the money situation goes you need to take charge. I assume he gives you money for food etc? If not then you need to demand he starts doing this. And then simply add £40 a week (probably less if youre frugal) to the shop and use that money for your own treats.
Theres nothing worse then feeling lonely and without control so you need to start by taking control of something.
3 yrs on my DH hasnt changed and I am strongly consiering divorce at some point (but dont want to put DS through that since I've now forged a good seperate life). If I wasnt financially secure I would be a wreck so my advice is get that sorted before anythign else.
Also, when LO arrives look for your local sure start center - they are wonderful and many of their classes are free or 50p so quite affordable.

goodluck and believe in yourself

i agree with the kick up the arse bit - but short of me going home for a bit i dont have any way to kick him up the arse. and that wouldnt be a punishment to him. itd be more a punishment for me. he'd prob be happy as larry if i went away for a week - he could do what he wanted then and no moaning to put up with. maybe ill go to the doctors but i know ill just break down in tears and i hate that. thanks so much for all your help.

i wanted to go to an NCT group but it costs money.

Your parents pay your rent and bills - and he has a job? And spends all his wages on himself, leaving you potless?

I'm almost speechless. He's hardly working to support his family is he? Your mum and dad are doing that!

Seriously love - if your parents can afford to support you now, then throw yourself on their mercy. Ask them to stop paying the rent on current house and start you off in a small flat in the area where your friends/family/support are. Then put in a claim for benefits and be self sufficient. You cannot be worse off than you are now, financially or emotionally. You think he's going to pull his weight when the baby is here? is he bollocks. I really think you are at risk of PND if you stay with him because the isolation and the pressure could get too much.

OP, from what you've said here I don't think you are suffering from depression. I think you are unhappy because you're in a horrible situation. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Anyone in the same situation would feel the same. You don't need pills because the cause isn't a chemical inbalance in your head. You need a change in circumstances.

My heart really goes out to you as I know how it feels. I was in an abusive relationship when expecting my daughter (20 years ago). I stayed hoping he'd change, but people like that never do. I got out when my daughter was 1 but it took many, many years to repair the damage he'd done.

I really wish you well with whatever you decide to do. I think it's worth remembering that you cannot change him or his behaviour, no matter how much you want to. Only he can do that. All you can do is change what you do and how you respond to what he does/doesn't do.

justme your story really touched me. you will NOT feel alone once your baby is born - regardless of crap partners you'll have a little friend to take around with you, they are a great excuse to get out ('oh the baby needed a walk to get off to sleep' a coffee and browse in a bookshop 'oh the baby needed X' some chocolate etc.) you WILL also feel much more back to your usual self, no more nausea and able to tie your own shoelaces!!!

i second the advice to go to your parents, they love you and i'm sure will understand if you swallow your pride and take it on the chin (im very proud and 'independent', or like to think i am, too). but if you can't, i garantee once your wee pal arrives, you'll get the strength if your partner hasnt manned up. your priority will be getting that little person what you want for them.

^^
This is what I wanted to say; if your parents are paying for a house for you both to live in now I'm sure they'd be just as happy (if not happier) to stop paying it there and set you up on your own nearer to support. Then you just need to sort out benefits etc that you are entitled to (this is what they are they for; helping people in need!)
If you think he'd be happy at you going away for a week do it; you can see how much happier you'd be without him dragging you down and then the real kick up the arse bit would come when he has to start using his oh so precious money to actually support himself rather than to play with.

thank u everyone. i know youre right and i am going to try to change things. i am so scared of giving birth alone.

I am not sure you have depression but you are at risk and we don't know you could be suffering which would make it harder.
It is not healthy to be so isolated please get help from your doctor or your parents or both. Your midwives should help you but if you don't feel comfortable then you need to find other support.
X x

did you feel like this before pregnancy?. the reason i ask is when i was in late pregnancy i used to feel very lonely and isolated and exactly how you described as just me and my baby. I remember once he went fishing for the night (I had told him he could) but then once he had gone i cried myself to sleep and in my head was planning a divorce!!!! I always went to bed early like you and felt like we had separate lives and I would be a lone parent.

Now my baby is 5 months old and I realise my feelings were hormonal and I was a complete nag througout my pregnancy. He is an excellent father and is so supportive. Pregnancy doesn't happen to men so think they struggle to relate to it. He might change once baby arrives.

I am only posting this as i now realise hormones had an effect of me as prior to pregnancy and ever since i have felt utterly loved and well supported by my hubby.

When I had my DS (6 yo) I got pregnant accidentally and my partner at the time didn't want anything to do with me/baby. At the time I was traumatised and cried continually for 'my poor fatherless child'. I was petrified of being a single parent. When I actually had him I found I didn't want to share him with a person who had no interest in him. I loved him so much and whilst being a single parent wasn't the easiest thing it most DEFINITELY wasn't the hardest. Whilst I was pregnant I did work but in a low paid job (long story) and had very little spare money. I found the local childrens centre helpful as they did free groups and I met lots of people in lots of different circumstances. Do you have one nearby you could approach for support? Also lots of churches do free groups for parents and you often get lots of support even if you do not share their faith (certainly the case at our church).

I can understand that you don't want to go back to your parents but I do think its wise to share it with them. Especially if they are financially contributing to DPs lifestyle by paying rent etc - I'm sure they would want to know.

It can be hard to come to terms with being in an abusive relationship but whilst you are with him you are spoiling the possibility of a genuinely happy and loving relationship for both you and DC.

Looking back I remember begging Ex DP to stay with me but I am so so so glad he didn't...if we had stayed together I would have still been miserable and I wouldn't have met my DH and be expecting our 2nd child (DC3). Good luck.

I'm as incredulous as everyone else at your financial situation OP, and as many people have already said - this is abuse.
We can tell you til you're blue in the face that you need to get out (and you do) but you need to make the move yourself. Making the break may be scary, but frankly living the next 20 years in that sort of situation sounds even scarier to me.
One thing to bear in mind though - what happens if you stay? Your child will grow up thinking that this kind of behaviour is normal, when it most certainly isn't. You will soon have their upbringing and personal values to consider and what you and your partner do will be almost the only influence on these. So, if you stay your child will think that women should be kept totally without financial means or social life and men get to keep all their money, regardless of responsibilities, and do what they want.
Get. Out.

I can't read this and not respond. You won't be giving birth alone if you go back to your parents. It sounds like they really care for you if they are still supporting you. (And you'll understand how selfless a parent's love to a child is once your little one is here). If you decide to leave and move closer to your parents, they'll be there at your birth. Many have their mums with them, if you have seen one born every minute.

You need a partner that supports you, not abuses you. It's going to be harder when the child is born.

mrs mamma - thats what i worry about. i worry that i was really happy and what if im just making it all worse in my head and actually he is great / just terrible with money. i worry that my hormones are all over the place and i am being unreasonable.

giving birth alone - i 100% will be on my own if he isnt there because my mum cant be there. she had a tragedy in her past which means she wont b able to do it and she said she coyldnt see me in pain.

but no matter what my hormones are doing - i know 100% that he has changed over the last couple of months.

I have been waddling walking around town worrying about you OP! I agree with MotherOfCleo, get to your GP and ask for a referral to the practice counsellor. Doesn't matter if your feelings aren't "true depression", it would still be a neutral person to talk things over with. Also stay off the daytime tv - depressing for the most robust individual! Maybe try the library for some books about your work or study interests, finances, childcare...something to help you focus on the future. Also, NCT groups don't all cost money to attend - just the classes. A practical question - I was thinking who will be your birth partner as it doesn't sound like your partner will be up to the job? I don't think it's odd to move to a new area for a new start at all but you may have to be pragmatic as you have no support there and you'll need it.

Read about doulas - you have to pay but perhaps your dad might (especially if the alternative was him being there...)

hormones was definitely the case with me. I do think dh could have been a little more understanding. The only thing he did wrong was to expect me to be the same fun loving person i was before pregnancy during the pregnancy. At the time he would say I was hormonal which angered me even more! (never tell someone hormonal that they are hormonal.)

The minute I went into labour i knew i wasnt alone as he was there for me and completely had my back when snotty midwives that were not doing there job properly. 5 months on he is still fab - in fact he has just come home from work and took ds out to his fathers whilst i have a relaxing couple of hours.

I hope things work out for you. I always felt better and more rational in the mornings.