pregnant and so lonely - despite having a Partner (Long I am afraid)

[Justmeandthebump]

I was going to post in the relationship forum but as it is so intertwined to pregnancy I thought I might get more useful advice here.

I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy. I find that I am going to bed most nights crying. I was lying there last night trying to understand why and I think it is because I feel so lonely. I lay there on my side with baby kicking about and felt like it was just him and me and he was comforting me. Which made me cry more.

I think the problem arises from my partner working and me not working. With him working and me not the dynamic is completely different. If I dare complain about the smallest thing the answer will be that he works hard all week. If I ask him to do anything at the weekend his response is that he works all week and he has two days off so he will do what he likes.

I go to bed every night early (around 8 sometimes) as I am really struggling with heartburn, exhaustion, depression and general pregnancy related horribleness. He comes to bed every night when he wants - as late as 11 or 12. But he works so he can do what he likes.

When he is home all he does is sit on his computer/phone, chat to 'friends' on web forums to do with his hobby, watch DVDs to do with his hobby or play computer games - but he works so he can do what he likes.

At the weekend we live completely separate lives - in the same house. He will never sit and watch anything with me. We generally can't eat together because we eat separate things (pregnancy sickness). We don't do anything together and I can't complain about him being on his computer etc because it is his day off and he works hard all week.

I think he thinks staying at home all the time is so much fun. But it isn't - it is crap daytime TV and feeling lonely, washing up, being on your own, feeling too sick to eat, drinking tea and just waiting - like a dog - for your partner to come home. When he gets home I get a hug, a little chat, and then the same old separateness till I go to bed. He gets to go to work and have friends there and have an escape from home and a social life.

I, on the other hand, have no one at all here because we are in a new town. The money he earns he is incredibly selfish with and it goes on him.

He basically gets to do what he wants, gets drunk, smokes, watches what he wants, plays what he wants, comes to bed when he wants, does whatever he wants and doesn't have to do anything I want while I have to take it all and just not say anything because he works and I don't. He used to care so much about what I thought about certain things (him smoking or his appearance for eg) now he doesn't care what my opinion is and his way goes.

I don't know what to do anymore because we are about to have a baby. Last night I made the decision to just accept that we are going to live separate lives because that is kinder on my heart than constantly being rejected by him and waiting for intimacy that doesn't come.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if it was just me and baby on our own. Does anyone have any similar feelings? Can anyone advise?

I am an older parent, so I can tell you this as a mum with older ones as well as babies, your parents would be far more worried about you living like this, than in one of their spare bedrooms.

Your dad would be upset to think you feel so down and are keeping it from him.

You don't have to be "dramatic", if you don't want to worry them, just tell them you feel rough and lonely and you would like some company until the baby comes, pack a bag and go home.

I would offer loads of advice, but you need money, who is paying bills/food - how much cash have you got a week - you need to be able to get out and about and even more so when baby arrives otherwise you will feel even more isolated.

I don't think I have ever said "leave" before on here, but I am feeling fairly rotten, and I know how it is to feel lonely in a houseful of people from my first marriage.

You will be entitled to a lot more help when the baby actually arrives.

This is not a situation you have to live in - it will be harder to go home once baby actually arrives - can you go home for a week, see how you feel?

It is a joint account but I have no control over it as it is 'his' money.

And why are you not working? Because of your pregnancy sickness or were you unemployed before? When you say the relationship dynamics changed with you not earning money, since when has that been going on?

Just trying to get a clearer picture.

If you want to meet new people and have anybaby groups nearby, you could start going now. I'm sure they'd welcome you anyway. It shouldn't cost more than a couple of pounds.

Does he no give you any money at all?

Where abouts up north? I live near Leeds.Am around if you want to meet for a chat/coffee?

If I have this right, you have moved for DPs work, haven't found a job yet and he is controlling all the money as if he is a single person - leaving you almost penniless.

I am really cross on your behalf.

It wasn't planned but I gave him the choice of what to do and we talked extensively and he was very happy about it and tells me he is still excited about it.

OP I really feel for you. Your partner is treating you like crap. He works all week and you don't? You're working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, growing his child. You're working far harder than he is.

To put it into perspective, my husband leaves the house at 5.30am and doesn't get home til 8.00pm during the week (I don't work at all, haven't for the last 6 years). The first thing he does when he gets in is find out how me and baby are doing, then does everything that needs doing that I've not felt well/strong enough to do during the day. At the weekend he waits on me hand and foot. I feel loved and cared for.

You deserve so much better and if he doesn't shape up then he should ship out.

We moved as a joint personal decision. Neither of us had work but thought it'd work out/ fresh start etc. I worked at first and then found out pregnant. Then we both worked. Then I left work late into preg - now he works. When I earnt the money it was completely shared. Now it is different.

Think forward 25 years or so, what would you advise your DD or DS to do? I bet you wouldn't want them to hide their problems from you so you didn't worry, your DP feel the same way about you from the sounds of it AND YOU ARE WORTH THEIR SUPPORT AND LOVE.

I think he feels entitled to it all as he earns it and I don't do anything. I sometimes think he also resents me for not working. The rent/our food/all our bills are paid for by my family by the way.

Go home and leave him to it - seriously, he is freeloading.

I understand what you all mean re: my parents. But they were so worried about things not working out with him and they are very old fashioned and would be so devastated if I was a 'single parent' - and my dad has already done so much worrying over me. I am old now and shouldn't be still causing them grief. If I went home i'd officially be a failure. Going home isn't an option whatever happens.

justme I've been where you are now, please don't dismiss the idea of returning home to your parents. My Ex started to emotionally and financially abuse me when I was pregnant with DS, we were living 160 miles away from my friends and family and I was scared to leave for fear of being seen as a failure. I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman but the impact of emotional abuse turned me into a shell. I left when DS was 2 and I saw him cower from his dad in fear and I realised it wasn't just about me. I didn't even tell my parents I was coming, I just turned up on their doorstep and they welcomed me with open arms and never asked me why. At the end of the day they are your parents and they want what is best for you and if being a single patent is what's best, let them help you with that. Believe me, there are worse things that can happen!

Really? Even if he hit you? You wouldn't leave because you don't want other people to think you are a failure?

Relationships end. That's life. Doesn't make YOU a failure, just means your relationship didn't work out.

Go home. Tell your parents it's just for a week. Get some space to think about what you need. this current situation is awful.

Who would think you were a failure? Your parents?

And you don't have access to the joint account???

Isn't that illegal? (General question to the other people on the thread!)

So you are going to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life no matter how he treats you. No matter he does to you, or your children for that matter. Think about that very carefully.

Look OP you are being abused. ABUSED. You do not have to put up with this. But you do have to do SOMETHING to sort it out. Burying your head in the sand will not make it go away. HE will not make it go away as he gets all the money at the moment.

Are you on Maternity Leave? Or have you given up work?

And btw my daughter will always be welcome at my home, no matter how old she is, no matter what she has done. She will always be my little girl - I hope most parents feel the same.

sorry - i dont mean i wouldnt leave him i just meant i couldnt go to home town again. im not sure what to do right now as it's made so much more complicated. i am carrying his child. i wanted to be a family. we live together. i would want to stay in this home - theres so much to take into consideration. but yes i know i have to do something. i am scared to make the decision and be alone and my child being without a father and asking me why he doesnt have a dad - especially if i am being over sensitive or if things could be changed. if i go "home" - he gets to stay in a house he doesnt pay for. and even though i havent got a job right now and havent made friends yet i know my future is in this town and i am happy in the area / with the people / with the possibilities for education and work in my future. if i went back to home town itd kill me. i wanted to move on no matter what.
to answer the work Q i left my work because i coyldnt cope with it and my late pregnabcy but nature of my work means iwont get maternity pay - only maternity allowance off Gov. and it is not processed yet.

I think you should go home for a visit and talk it over with your parents. Don't worry about all that 'failure' stuff, that's rubbish (and the depression talking). You need support and it doesn't sound like you're getting it from your partner. My younger sister, who is in her late 30s, relies heavily on our parents for such support. That's what families are there for - our DPs just want to know she and the DGC have what they need. Out of interest, why did you pick that area to live in if neither of you had jobs and you don't have any connections with the area?

I do not see the point of a joint account that one partner treats as his personal spending money. My DH and transfer a set amount each month into ours for joint expenses. I have just asked him to increase his contribution so it's in the same ratio as our respective incomes now I'm on maternity leave. I would be incandescent if he started acting like pregnancy/baby expenses were my issue alone, or leaving me without any spending money!!

Please talk to your parents...

Sorry, cross posted with you OP. In that case, if your DPs are underwriting the whole thing, you have an aversion to your home town and want to stick with the one you've chosen, see if your dad will come to you and give DP a talking to? He sounds very immature and head in the sand about the whole thing. He needs a wake up call...

phineyj sounds mad doesnt it? but we just wanted a fresh start somewhere and felt like it was a bit of an adventure. we read that there were lots of jobs here and i secured a temporary contract there. didnt expect at all to find out pregnant and i suppose that changed things. i have a family member who lives near the area and it just sounded like a nice place. i love it here but if i had not got pregnant and been ill i may have been more sociable/made work friends etc. unfortunately i am alone. ironically - i also wanted to finally be independent and not rely on my parents and make them happier. they worry about me a lot.

Where 'up north' are you? I'm in the north east and on maternity leave so could meet you for a coffee and a chat if that would help?

Tbh it sounds like at the moment it is just as well you are financially dependent on your parents otherwise you might not have any money for food and bills. Are they worried about you in a nice way or in "look all the stress you are putting us through, wish we had never had you" kind of way?

If the former, have you thought that they may be worried about your partner already?

no they are really really lovely and supportive and i am sure they are worriedabout him already.

north west x